Undo

It was a cold, winter night and it was a gathering among friends. A bottle of Jim's, crystal and two bottles of Sierra later, only few survives. She felt a little sick herself so she grabbed a carrier bag and sneaked outside to get some air. She stepped onto the subzero tiles of the balcony barefoot but she was too buzzed to pay any attention to it. She got sick and was having a horrible headache from the drinks. But the balcony overlooked one of London's greatest views and it made everything better. So she sat down, arms around her knees and eyes shut. The silence away from the commotion indoors was calming and she was at peace with the cold.

All of a sudden, the doors to the balcony opens and someone unexpected steps out. He was geared for the cold; in his Moncler puffer that he loves to wear. He called out her name and asked 'What are you doing out here? Are you okay?' She replied that she was doing fine and just wanted some air. They stood in the dark for a while, ten feet apart and no other words were spoken.

Then he started walking towards her. She didn't want him to see her in the state she's in so she warned him to stay away and said,'I just threw up, don't come any closer.' Yet, he ignored her and continued to close the distance. He takes off his puffer as he gets closer. She quickly stood up and when he was right in front of her, he asked if she was cold. She denied but being a gentleman as he is, he draped the jacket over her shoulders and flashed his dorky smile, saying, 'Now this will keep you warm.' Just when she thought that was it, he held her hands in his, warmed them and put them through the sleeves one at a time and zipped her up. He told her this was his favorite jacket and that it'll keep her warm whilst she's out here. All the while, she was staring at him. Staring at this friend, trying to make sense of it all. She felt her heart race and felt all the blood rush to her face. If she wasn't blushing from the alcohol already, she sure was then. The worst part was that he had on his dorky smile the whole time and she was a sucker for it.

She felt something; something she couldn't explain. She felt taken care of; she hasn't felt that way in a while. There was no agenda; he just wanted her to be warm.

Standing outside alone with him got too much for her; she couldn't make out this wave of emotion. She had to leave. So she walked back indoors abruptly and unintentionally locked eyes with the girlfriend. The girlfriend started to recognize the jacket she had on and stared disapprovingly. To avoid any misunderstanding, she quickly took the puffer off and left it in a corner. He walked in right after her and frowned at the abandoned jacket but did not say a word. The night continued as a gathering of friends, filled with chatter and laughter as though nothing has changed.

But only she knows, something has. She felt something and couldn't resist it. She has been trapped ever since.

Dear New York

https://spowblog.wordpress.com/2016/07/31/dear-new-york/

Dear New York,

(Or instead, Hi New York- a phenomenon I've noticed from the email correspondences I've had whilst here, the salutation 'Dear' seems to be obsolete in this country.)

Hi New York, this is not a love letter. Before this, having only seen you on TV, I always found you too... overwhelming, like a Christmas tree whose blazing lights never turned off, whose every decorative article spoke so loud in character, nothing made sense when they came together and whose golden star on top, so luminous, so bright, threatens to blind anyone who dares look directly at it. I had no desire for you, New York and knowing you as a friend of a friend was enough for me.

It was only up until this year when I felt- London and I, we've become complacent with each other. There were no longer questions or conversations. There was no longer any curiosity or inspiration. London is always so perfect, too well-polished and too perfect; and when I was drowning in uncertainty and doubt, London had to keep moving and I could not keep up. I needed a break, not a getaway and when an opportunity emerged to come say Hello to you, I took it. I must admit, I was really nervous about our first meeting. I knew how you looked like; I've seen the posters, I've seen the movies. Everything I knew about you were mere illustrations and snapshots of scenes and everything I heard about you were lyrics that worshiped and painted you as a masterpiece. You too, sounded perfect and I was feeling dubious about my decision.

Despite all this, I've dreamt of you for months.

I've dreamt of the most cliché images, after all, I only know you so well- I've fantasized speeding pass city lights on tan leather seats in the back of a town car, surrounded by blaring sirens and impatient honking as sound effects in the background. I've pictured myself sipping on a Manhattan at the King Cole bar while inhaling smoke from the finest Bolivar cigars. I've imagined buying a train ticket at the Grand Central, just like in the movies, only to pretend to run away all the while watching those around me reunite in embrace or part after one. I've envisioned a selfie with Lady Liberty herself, I'd have on a blue outfit to match as best I can because I can never pull off that green like she does. I've constructed in my head the view from the top of the Empire State Building and I would let emotions take over, going deaf to the chaos down on the streets.

When I first set foot in the city, there were mixed feelings. First was that it was unreal. All the lights will really put you in such a daze. I'm finally in this city that I've always thought to be in a land far, far away (but nothing like the fairy-tales, of course). Next came something I still can't quite put my finger on. I wasn't overwhelmed and it wasn't disappointment; I felt this sense of relief. New York is plagued by imperfections- horrendous traffic, the noise was even worse than I've imagined it to be and the smell! Oh, New York you smell awful (a concoction of terrible sewage, mountains of unkempt trash bags, topping it off with a whiff of ammonia). I would apologize for all the trash-talk but I know you're sorry not sorry yourself, New York. All these imperfections and yet, you lay them bare for all to see (and smell). It definitely wasn't love at first sight but I do hope that you and I end up being more than just acquaintances, New York.

First week in, I find myself spending most of my time comparing you to London; I've even come up with a score board- if you're curious, the scores are currently neck and neck.

But I must say this-

Oh New York, you're such a charmer. What I appreciate and love the most is your sense of humor.

Oh New York, I love your split personality. The difference before and after sundown- from nice guy by day to seductive gentleman by night.

Oh New York, you're so proud. You have a star-spangled banner in every direction I look, as though to constantly remind me that I'm in one of the most amazing countries on Earth.

Oh New York, I love how you are for everyone; for the strugglers and the dreamers; no judgement whatsoever. Even during times of doubt, you will never dim, always giving hope to whoever is in your presence.

Oh New York, although you are a far cry from the description of clean and tidy, we both know you can clean up good. I love how your views are ever so breathtaking and exhilaration and inspiration are always just a look up away.

Birthday

Blogged this as my first post on WordPress! Find me on: https://spowblog.wordpress.com/blog/

Happy 23rd Birthday to me. As you probably can tell, the excitement… is lacking. Status at the moment? Not sure how to feel or what to say.

If I really must decide, I would say it feels… weird. It’s weird because as much as I want to feel happy and positive about things, times are hard right now; just in case you didn’t know, I have exams in a few days (did I mention I’m in medical school?). I’m sitting at my desk trying to avoid eye contact with that open Dermatology book I’ve been putting off the whole day.

For now, I’m treating this as my little getaway from reality and a little gift to myself.

Do you remember the birthdays in your first few years of life? Me, neither. I remember I used to get my birth date (8th July) wrong- can’t remember if 8 came first or 7. Birthday, it was like a ritual- every year on a particular day, people gathered and brought you cakes and presents. ‘This is niiice, ' you thought to yourself.

Years later, you kinda get the idea, you sorta dig it too- must have been all the presents! On the same day every year, others got together and celebrated YOU; your mere existence was worth celebrating. Oh and the parties! There were always so many people at the party! Who are these wonderful people who has taken their time out to honor the day you were born?

Fast forward a few years, it wasn’t just about the presents. You start remembering the faces at the party. There definitely were a few constants (you know who you are). Birthdays became the excuse for you to spend time with friends, to come up with wacky ideas of what could be fun to do on that special day. It was pretty miraculous in the sense that I come from a very small town and went on to an even smaller town to study. It was such a challenge to plan an event without it being vaguely similar to the year before (credits to my incredibly unpredictable friends and their beautifully brilliant minds).

Fast forward another few years and you think to yourself ‘Gosh, where has the time gone?’ Yesterday I was 17, today I’m celebrating my 23rd.

In your 20s, birthdays become the time for you to- warning: cheesy word ahead- reflect.

You realize it’s no longer about the presents, nor is it about what you do on the day. It really is and always has been about the people, who made that day so special for you that you’d look forward to it every year. And for that, I am very, very grateful.

You also realize that as every year that you age up, your family does too. ‘The 20s is when you will begin to really humanize your parents’ was a quote from a commencement speech I watched the other day that really hit me hard. The more I think about it, the more frustrated I become. I am very much a family person. I really want to do my parents proud and at the same time, spend more time with them. My frustration stems from the fact that I’m not doing either well and it really is breaking my heart. This is still something I’m trying to figure out. *long sigh*

Anyway, personally, birthdays were always kinda like Disneyland; it’s always such a magical time. And I really hope that it stays that way; that it continues to inspire me and that it continues to be MY special day when I can choose to escape into a world filled with my loved ones and be able to trust that the promise ‘everything will be okay’ holds every ounce of truth in the universe.

Pitch black: darkness;
I've had this feeling before,
A gush of worry; an influx of insecurity,
Muddled thoughts and disproportionate fear;
Save me,
I'm drowning
In feelings I cannot control.

I gasp but I do not breathe;
My heart thumping,
My hands start to tingle;
Save me,
I'm drowning
In a wave so overwhelming
it swallows me whole.

I do not move;
My mind paralyzed,
I turn cold;
Save me,
I'm drowning,
In my own collapsing soul.

It says here my last post was July 9th 2014. Ha.
Today, I'm back here again. Heck, I shouldn't be. It's practical soon and I should be studying.
Honestly, as I'm typing this, I'm exhausted, so so very exhausted; every time I think about it, all I wanna do is cry. And cry some more. I just had the worst month of my life and it's not getting better yet. I think I was treading on the brink of depression. I can tell you that I had multiple panic attacks, took sleeping pills and I couldn't eat. Every single day, I break down and I can't seem to stop. Despite the number of times I told myself to suck it up, I seem to want to cry even more. Let me just say deciding to move out on my own at this period wasn't the wisest choice. People say things will pass. But sometimes, I don't think I can get through times like this alone. I feel weak, needy and pathetic. I'm not like this; I used to be able to focus so well. I know what I want in life and strive for it. I've been through failure, I've done badly in exams and why is it I still don't learn to stand back on my two feet? This year is the year I feel most wary of myself. It's such a shame because it all started out so well. I got praises from my consultant and done not too badly in mocks. But now, I've noticed there's so much more that I haven't covered. I can't breathe just thinking about it. I hate this version of me. Why can't I just sit down and get to work? The moment I open my books and see the amount of information in it, I start panicking. It's been like that for quite a while and once your brain is conditioned to it, it's hard to stop.
On particularly difficult nights, I think about the question "Is medicine not for me?". This question has been playing itself again and again in my head for the past month. I'm not that person who would sit down and study all the side effects of a medication. I can remember the first like two but no.3 and no.4, forget it. I can only remember so much. I can't take it in. Back in high school, I used to make the effort to remember the extras because I wish to be an insufferable know-it-all. But medical school, I can't, it really destroys your soul just sitting there; remembering that there are soooooo many drugs that interact with that one liver enzyme; and once it interacts with that enzyme, it affects another whole list of drugs. I'M EXHAUSTED. I'M TIRED. I am officially in my burn out phase. People tell me medicine is hard; yeah, I know but I'll do it anyway. This year is finally the point where I go 'Medicine is hard, can I still do this?'
Medical school has destroyed all my confidence. At 22, I feel so defeated. And so drained. I don't feel inspired and I don't feel energized. I'm just so tired.
I feel pathetic that I'm defeated by exams; I mean it's supposed to be one of the easiest struggles or something. But I can't help but feel this way.
I've worked so hard for this, giving up now will just reflect how weak I am and how easily I give up on things. I know, I know but now that I'm this exhausted, I'm actually thinking twice. I don't wanna give up too. I really don't, but is this path really right for me?
I honestly do not know.

This picture is actually the perfect story of my life at the moment. Except that my next exit is definitely way more than just 54 yards away.

Twenty One.

Been a while and I don't normally do birthday posts. But yippee yaya, I'm 21. and officially legal worldwide. and my theme song for today would be "Grown Woman" by Beyoncé if you haven't heard it already.
21 should be special in a way that after this year's celebration, the next few birthdays will just be about you growing a year older.
So anyway, this year I've been such a good girl. hehe. Birthday was simple. A lunch, an afternoon spent with my Baby, an evening with my family, and a surprise at night! Friends were honestly pretty good this year, minor mistakes that blew their cover. haha every year, I list them out so that they can improve and maybe by the time we're 30 they'll be professional scammers. Anyway. that's beside the point. Was a little confused as to how I was gonna celebrate. ... still not used to this yet but I'm starting to get a hang of it.
Anyway, started with a lunch. and no one told me when and where it was happening till I called up and asked where they were. Turns out they were all at the location already. and by the time I arrived, most of them were already done with their meal. Thankful for a certain black hole Mr. Lo and slow eater Ms. Thio, so I didn't have to eat alone.
Afternoon, was doggie outing day and was an absolute bliss. It was pretty fun for me. But I think my baby was bored instead. haha was a whole afternoon of doggie drama going on. Mic ended up educating Olivia's dogs about girls. and that part was kinda weird
Then, an evening with la familia. They surprised me with cake, pretty balloons hehe and my favourite cheap sparkling grape drink. And let me just say, Lu Tai was not in town... and that was kinda disappointing for me. Birthdays aren't exactly complete without a blessing of chocolate moist cake. hehe
So to make up for it, Olivia made me red velvet cupcakes and they were pretty good. :) surprise was good. brother's acting was bad haha and then we spent the whole night talking about the past. (which we always do)
I dunno bout you guys, but reminiscing is one of the things I actually quite like doing. When you slowly grow up, you start to question yourself and most of the time, you're just doubting yourself. and with work and everything, life is pretty stressful at times and I cannot even imagine how work life would be. but thinking back of the good times, it keeps me sane. reminds me that I was part of something wonderful. and that sometimes, you just need to believe, have faith. cause with the way we were studying back then, faith was all we had. haha and hitting 21 is sort of a milestone in itself and it's really a reminder for appreciation and also a hit in the head for me start figuring out my life haha. 
It's so draggy I feel like it's one of those compositions titled 'My Birthday' with a moral story at the end. So I'll just end it with a speech given by a school principal that I found not too long ago which really got me thinking. I hope you do too!

"Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons, and after you've finished, read a book. Your town does not owe you recreational facilities and your parents do not owe you fun. The world does not owe you a living, you owe the world something. You owe it your time, energy and talent so that no one will be at war, in poverty or sick and lonely again. In other words, grow up, stop being a cry baby, get out of your dream world and develop a backbone, not a wishbone. Start behaving like a responsible person. You are important and you are needed. It's too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now and that somebody is you."

Be the change you wish to see in this world. (because honestly, no one will do it for you)

Been missin you guys lately. Been missin the old times. Because when I'm with you guys, I felt like I could be myself, I could be anything I wanted and those times were the best. No sweat just love.
Growing up, sometimes I feel like I have to be a certain way with certain people. But I shouldn't need to. I feel like I need to constantly tolerate and understand. But back in the days, we did not have concerns as such. We were just being us, happy, loud, sometimes it's embarassing but it didn't matter cause we dominated and we ruled. I miss that feeling. I miss being part of that. Might be the hormones but I miss you guys.