From Nat's sis' blog

"Ketika Tuhan ambil alih, terkadang kita ngerasa gak seneng. Apalagi kalau Tuhan uda mulai bikin semuanya gak seperti yang kita bayangkan, wuihh.. langsung deh ngamuk-ngamuk.. hahahah.. dan nuding-nuding, “Tuhan gimana sih??!!”

Tapi believe it or not, guys.. Memang harus begitu..

Kalau kita mau dipenuhi olehNya, kita juga harus jadi kosong supaya Tuhan bisa isi kita lebih banyak"

When I read this, I was completely blown over by it. Something so simple yet I think I am in that position. Running away. Beginning of this year, I seemed very high but when God really starts to shape things and put the trials in my way with all that juggling, I succumbed to the trials and casted Him aside. The worse thing is, sometimes I am aware of it. He tries in His own way to try and bring me back. With all the reminders, I know it but I just reject it.

Basically this clause tells of when we give our lives to God for Him to control, we should totally let Him be in control. Even when things turns out to be more than what we expected and start to complain to God, why like this, it is like that believe it or not. The more we want to be filled, the more we should empty ourselves so that He can fill us with the Spirit evermore.

I feel that everytime around this time I would start casting Him away with the whole crap about having no time. In fact, why cant I just squeeze in 10 minutes of QT or maybe a 3-5 mins prayer with Him. Afterall, I do have breaks in between. When He starts to take control, somehow i just want to control it all back. Somehow I know I am wrong, but at times it gets scary cos I dont feel guilty of it.

Pray for me.

I miss shopping!!! I miss Bangkok where we could have shopped till we literally drop and go broke! Eat like as if there's no end to our money supply!! And all this was just a year ago! One of the best trip I ever had.

Today there's a big bazaar in school. (Almost most of the time there's big bazaars) All the t-shirts reminded me of those that we often see in Bangkok. It's not too bad still about 10 each but of course in Bangkok we could get it at less than half the price. Bought 1 tee for myself, since I had to change from my previous day's clothes.

I ended up sleeping over at Ong's since today I have to make it for chinese. I am not so sure abt being able to wake up for the chinese class. And last night I got a terrible migraine. Hate it when that happens.

I cant help but still dwell on the question what constitute good quality of life. What is considered a good quality of life? How can I define it and relate it to my own?

A life that is balanced between nature and development? Does that truly matters?

A life that involves my family, friends vs careers and achievements?

How can we really get contented with a good quality of life? Is there a minimum bar where we can set "good" upon? Can we really be contented?

I know last time I used to think that as long as I can live happily I would be contented. Doesnt matter if I have money or not. But sometimes as I grow, the idea becomes too idealistic and somehow it is not like that. There are many things along the way that always blemish the idea.

I used to think that school or work is not that important. But i do realise that they are the determining factor of who we are. Society is not that lenient to let us be who we want to be. But society forced us to follow suit and it force-mould us into someone who we may or may not want to be. Our identity is decided by the society. As an undergrad, you are expected to behave more professional and educated. And who gets to decide this? Society. Being a graduate, you are supposed to be able to think better and smarter than the rest. And who set this mindset? Society.

Now there are thousands and thousands of people who are university graduates. What was once seem so prestigious, everyone can get it. It used to be the workforce preferring graduates with at least a Bachelor degree, but now everyone has a bachelor. The criterion is now increased to master.

--------Mind block... to be continued when I've thought about it more----------

I dont quite know if an extension of my FYP deadline is a blessing or a curse. I dont quite wish for it. I just wished that it will all be over soon and I can concentrate on my other modules. Today after getting the news that the machine broke down, I was hoping that my prof would let me take this part of from my FYP. Apparently not so. He had asked me to wait till I get the result and asked me to take my time in writing the thesis.

Apparently I think he doesnt intend to proof-read my thesis. SO i think my first draft would actually be my final draft as well. If that doesn't add to my burden to write a good thesis.

Today and tomorrow is the last few days I am going to be doing experiments. Today I was supposed to do some indentation test. And guess what! the machine broke down. So I decided to do plating today for tomorrow's EEG test. And guess what! Yes, the ultrasonic machine broke down. While my supervisor is fixing the bloody machine, I decided to do some of the simple stuff like cleaning the electrodes with alcohol. There's no alcohol. Went down to another lab to get and they banned me from taking alcohol cos they said that my lab took a lot already and that they already gave us a big bottle a few days ago.

The test today? I dont know. Question was Singapore's natural heritage does not benefit the human society. Development and technology can fully replace the natural heritage and at the same time provide us with good quality of life. Write it in 1 hour!!! damn that's 3 big major things that u have to link for an hour!!! How to! Even a gp essay gets 1.5 hours. I can only answer the first part and substantiate. But the other 2, I couldnt really think much at that short of a time. I dont even know if I had substantiate it. And a good quality of life. With 5 minutes left, I dont quite know how to even define it.

So what's a good quality of life. It's a question that even after leaving the lab, I couldnt stop thinking about it. What defines a good quality of life? Money? Development? Success? Is it my life or the general public? Doesnt it differ from one person to another?

One kind of a friend

Dont know to call her unique or weird.
Has her own sense of logic
Has thousands of reasonings for everything.

It gets worse when her brain gets short-circuit
No longer does she think straight
Her imagination just runs wild

The laziest person that you can ever find on earth

But for sure, you can rely on her
Can count on her to be there for you
Whenever and whereever

Still wanna be friends?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I think my brain is on hibernation mode. After the long weekend, although i keep it active, I guess after the test, it kind of get haywired. Cos these 2 days, I cant do anything much!!!! Neither can i think much. The lazy pang is back! and it's staying put! DamN!! This always happen when I overworked my brain too much. Even when i want to give it a break, my conscience will remind me of the THOUSAND things that i need to do! Like today, chinese gave us more work, with group presentations and an individual show and tell. I was speechless when I heard it. Even if it's a group thing, there's endless group meetings and all. DANG!!!!

These 2 days really seem like I'm evading all my work. I know i have tests and all coming, but I cant get myself to sit still and concentrate. I'm running away! Running away from all that work, from all the lab sessions that I have set myself to do. Finding comfort and break elsewhere with people whom I know are running away too.

This wont stop at least for another good 3 weeks!!! and then it's time for exam. Right now i am already neglecting 2 modules to spend time on the 4! I have so much to catch up on the rest!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I am not the only feeling this stress. Even my Germany friends who are here for exchange are feeling the heat. They are as stressed with all the deadlines and the amount of work that they have to do. It is really sad and I feel it for them. The rest of the Singaporeans or people who had gone on exchange to other countries do not have this problem. They practically go wild over there. Workload is not heavy and they pretty much enjoy the experience over there. Stress-less as they said it.

Just came back from my test feeling numb from all the pressure of tests and deadlines. The whole time in the bus, i was just drifting away trying to get away from reality.

I closed my eyes, not sleeping, and somehow, I found myself lying on this huge green grassland, facing up to the blue sky. The sky was full of clouds as if they were my blanket. The cool breeze lulling me to sleep, taking all my worries and the rest of the things away. My surroundings was all grass with some wishing flowers around. The ground was dry and though the grass looks rough, but they were soft. I could smell the fresh air and I was just taking deep breath with each breath i took.

When I opened my eyes, I am in the bus and reality brought me down. My brain reminded me:

• Test on thursday, (which means I have to finish reading the book on Natural Heritage of Singapore)
• 30% done thesis, which I had not touched for almost 1 week now, since I was concentrating on the test for today. Thesis due on monday the 31st, which I dont think I can finish by then.
  
• Collate lab results from SEM images
• Experiment on Nano-indentation on thursday
• Term papers due on 4th of April, 11th of April
• Chinese homeworks
  
• Chinese test on 1st of April, CA2.

Sometimes I wonder, if getting into accidents right now would be wise. At least it gives me a temporary break! But dont worry! My right mind is still very much alert to say that I will still have to face all this eventually. Even if that means delaying another semester.

THE SERVANT KING
By Graham Kendrick © 1983

From heaven you came, helpless babe,
Entered our world, your glory veiled;
Not to be served but to serve,
And give Your life That we might live.

This is our God, the servant king,
He calls us now to follow Him, to bring our lives
As a daily offering of worship to the Servant King.

There in the garden of tears,
My heavy load He chose to bear;
His heart with sorrow was torn,
'Yet not My will But Yours,' He said.

Come see His hands And His feet,
The scars that speak of sacrifice;
Hands that flung stars Into space
To cruel nails Surrendered.

So let us learn How to serve,
And in our lives Enthrone Him;
Each other's needs to prefer,
For it is Christ We're serving.

In Memory of the Lord Jesus, who had died on the cross to save and redeem us so that we might be reunited with our God the Father.

This song holds a special place in my heart. Each time I sing this this song, I am drawn into the song and I cant help but really feel the meaning of each words and really feel myself dying to return His love for me. Someone who is so mighty but chose to redeem us by sending His only Son. It is truly a great love displayed. And all He ever asks in return is just to come back to Him and just be with Him. Spread His love. It's not that difficult isn't it?

(disclaimer: the above picture was taken by my 2nd "apprentice", Ong)

It's just so easy to shine the light at other people to find fault with them. And I fall into the category of being the one finding other's fault and flaws so easily, without for once looking at my own. Or maybe I might be worse, I know my own shortness and handicap, but I easily point my fingers at others. And i think this is really the really really bad part of me.

These few days, each time i am on the bus or on the train, I've been reflecting about myself, and I find that I'm actually quite ugly on the inside. I may come across as someone like a smart alec. I easily point out that this is wrong and that is wrong, but to myself, I know it's wrong but I still do it anyway. Being the obstinate and stubborn ox!

And definitely on the top of the list is I am always very mindful of how I potray myself (indo: jaim) and I am quite proud of myself, which is one of the things that I know it's wrong but somehow I still do it (indo: gengsi). These 2 things I am trying hard to change, but I find myself still not very far from the old me. I've always reminded myself to always be humble, but somehow I still go back to my old ways. Can a leopard really change its spot?

I must say my friends must be very tolerant people, to think they can stand a person like me. Sorry guys and thank you for sticking by me all the time. I'm sorry to those that I pointed my fingers at. I am trying hard to change so bear with me.

Today on my way home from school, there was quite a lot of people in the bus and I had to stand all the way home. As much as i wish i could have a seat to take a nap, I'm glad i didnt. There was so many people, but few people gave up their seats to elderly and kids. It was noisy from all that bustling and talking, music ablast. It was quite chaotic journey home actually. Then there was this Down Syndrome guy who caught my attention. He was alone, and I'm guessing he's already pretty grown up. He instantly and willingly gave up his seat (not sure to who though) to others. Then when the bus entrance was pretty clogged up, he took initiative to ask the people inside to move in. I think, in a way, he was having fun helping the bus driver. He was acting like a bus conductor. Then he gestured the people outside to come in, welcoming them. Then there was this old Indian lady who was carrying quite a lot of stuff, trying to get on the bus. Without hesitation, he went ahead to help her carry her stuff and supported her up the bus. When i saw this, I was pretty moved and almost took out my camera to take a shot of this humane sight, but it all happened too fast, I couldnt take the camera out in time.

The sight made me think of how we, who are abled are actually more disabled than these people. Sometimes, when we see others who need more help, we turn our back on them. Yes we do help but sometimes it's not before we hesitate for a while. Just simple thing like holding the door for others or giving up seats still makes us hesitate for a while. No denying I am also like that. Just look at the elderly who sells tissue paper at our hawker centres. How many times have we rejected them? People argued that these people are being used and manipulated, but truly, isnt it circumstances that pushed them to this state. They are afterall still working for that few cents they earned. It's a lot better than begging.

Now looking at this from this angle, i think we are all too self-centred. Sometimes we think we are right, but are we right. We are abled-bodies, but we are pretty handicapped, caught in our own way of life. I am not saying that everyone are the same. There are many kind souls whom I really take my hats off them. But i guess this reflection is meant as a reminder and hopefully we'll remember to be kind and not be too caught up in our own world.

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
if I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
i know this is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,

And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
should i just keep chasing pavements?
oooh...

Truly great people usually don't feel important; they make others feel important.

Author Unknown

I guess when u know FYP is over, these are the kinds of smiles that you give out. Freedom smiles! Today the Chem Engine people had every reasons to celebrate! It's the end of their FYP. No more thinking too much abt F word.

How i wish I am the one smiling like them right now.

Oh well anyway, CONGRATS People!! =) have fun with ur design project now... (at least that one is less worrying than FYP right!)

Can someone explain the logic to me? It's supposed to be the hot season in Southeast Asia. But it's been raining for a week! Scientifically speaking, at this season, rain can only be formed when there's much condensation through evaporation. But it's been raining all week, there's hardly any evaporation. SO how did the sky have so much clouds???

Unless all these are because of the delayed winter in China and Hong Kong. It's just weird the weather these days. All tat global warming signs are coming true.

Actually last monday when i went for this "forest" lecture, the lecturer was talking about the human impacts on our environment. SEA is one of the places with little recycling practise. All the trash and rubbish are just dumped and incinerated. Some maybe biodegradeble but most are not especially our plastics! I think it's time that we all do something to help save the earth. Even if it's a little action of not taking plastic bags. Or separating our trashes.

Recently i have been feeling quite different than before. I feel like i'm changing and i dont know if this is growing up. But things that used to matter more than anything is slowly losing its importance. I feel that my life path is somehow going to another direction than from what I thought just a few years ago.

People around me are still the same, but I find myself changing to become another person that I'm quite amazed I can change into. Of course the fact that now i'm nearing the next phase doesnt help much. It sort of makes my mind think more and more about what is ahead for me. The complexity of it is a little too much to handle. I dont know what I want! I dont know where I want to go! And I dont really know what is important for me anymore, except my family.

I feel like I'm kind of walking away from those 'ideals' thoughts that I used to have. I dont know if they were just naive and childish thinking. But i just know that it is impossible now. Maybe impossible is too harsh but more like it's not a likely thing to happen. Little things like meeting up once a week or 2 weeks, it just seems quite taxing at the current timetable. What's more next time? I dont quite know it. I dont know if it is possible.

Looking at Elaine and Chris and how they are going with their good friends kind of things, somehow as u grow up i find that meeting up weekly is not that possible. Life itself has so many things and it's pretty tiring. Somedays can meet up, but it's not an every week kind of things. Even before they were married, I dont see them always meeting up with the same group of people. I guess as we grow up and have more social networks, it's just not possible.

But of course, there is always the telephone or handphone and i think, we all have to thank Graham Bell for that.

What's ahead of me...

Let's see...

• 2 tests this week ( tues and thurs)
• 1 test next week (saturday)
• thesis submission the following week
• term paper submission the week after
• another term paper submission the week after that...

basically no way i can get a break! and actually i think there's more to this..

Ong this is for you!

Time for more food eh...

While the world is busy with themselves, God is watching from above calmly. And He must have been pleased with His creation.

My cosy dinner. Simple and enjoyable. The company was great, the food was good, and the ambience was really nice. The music sets the mood. It was everything that I've hoped it would turn out to be. In fact probably better than expected since it is bringing fine dining home. It is one of the best nights I have in my 23 years!

It's just simple and I think 'simple' is really my theme of this year. I just want everything to be simple, short and sweet. I dont really want to get into complicated and fussy stuff. I just want peace. And that is my wish for this year. (apart from the Vietnam trip, Y!) I just want to get by
evrythign peacefully and keep everything simple.


Thanks for the company people... Really appreciated it! And i thank you for being my guinea pigs..

Thanks to those who has tried to make my 23rd a memorable one. It is and i really appreciated it.

Thanks to everyone for making my 23 years full of memories, ups and downs, and for guiding me and playing a part in my maturing process. I owe it all to u...

ANd of course thanks to God for His multiple blessings, and for all the things that He's done for me. For guiding me, for bestowing His wisdom and definitely for never giving up on me all these years. Thank You for Your love for me Lord. I love You too!

whoa that was the longest post i've made this year!!!!! WOW!

Yeap it's that time of the year again. I have forgotten how old am I other than knowing that it's definitely above 21. So let's see this year I'm (counting the candles on the cake) 23.... Not that old yet but yeah i guess i've grown out of the age where birthdays should be special. In fact now im pretty used to creating surprises that now i no longer think that they are special at all. So yeah actually better not to have any surprises la. hehehe cos i can see through them. But hey anyway it's the thought that counts... Just make the people doing the surprise happy a bit lah yah!...

Celebrated my birthday since last sunday. Sunday was a family thing since we were celebrating Chloe's birthday. But of course i refused to have my own set of candles so i just helped chloe blew her 4 candles... Actually i didnt really blow any since she blew so hard, i didnt even have chance to blow one candle. I refused the set of candles cos it was a cinderella cake, so I would rather just keep it as Chloe's birthday cake rather than sharing it with her. Oh And dajie got me this really nice glass necklace! It's really nice. I like it alot...

On tuesday night met up with meiyi for dinner. After dinner at Marutama, it was really nice.. I love the egg!! and i love the yaki cha siu! Definitely going back there again. Then it was a "lim kopi" session at Coffee Club. Ordered a tiramisu and that meiyi, on the pretext of choosing a cake on the display, went to tell the waitresses to get the tiramisu whipped up with candles. I knew she would do that but yeah the waiter was good. I couldnt even tell he was beside me all the while, while waiting for his colleague to light up the candle. So yeah it was nice... simple celebration, just the kind that I've kind of thought of for this year. Oh and they (meiyi and sheena) got me a Braun Buffel card holder which i've been wanting to get as a wallet. And apparently they managed to get the one that i've been thinking of getting. Such a coincidence.


Oh after much thinkin about when the celebration started, i think it was saturday. Raina and Kenneth both got me this bracelet for me. We had steamboat dinner at Liang Seah. Queued up for almost an hour! My legs almost gave way. We had fun crapping that day. From all that talk about school to people in school, to bullying Raina, the youngest in the lot. the last time we had such dinner setting was exactly a year ago when we were busy with out robot project. We went out for long dinner break. And crawled our way back to our project meeting.

Today at midnight, my 2 housemates gave me a "surprise" which somehow kind of surprised them instead cos I opened the door so hard, the candles actually got blown out. And as usual, it's hard to try to surprise marlin... But yeah just to make them happy and all excited, just play along... ehehee... When rina came back, she was already whispering with nata and all. And obviously it's not the exactly secretive whispers.. The tv is even softer than their whisper, naturally anyone would know the secret right.. and being my birthday eve, it's not that hard to guess what is it right.. but Yeah they had all the fun trying to hide the cake... Oh well what is more important is the present (not that I'm greedy or hard up for presents!) But i gotta say this is a very nice present and one of my favourite, really! Nata got me a whole complete set of diningwares, except the cutleries. And A serving bowl and serving plates. Really very nice. I love it. Thanks you both!

Tonight, i plan a simple (but might not be so simple after all, since i wanna cook many things) dinner. Just a cosy one at my home. NO reason for nata to reject since it's MY birthday! hahaha.. So dont need to go down to function room. Well that one wait for tonight then i'll blog about it.

Saturday, it's feasting day with Elaine and Chris! =)

Okay it's gonna be a nice weekend ahead, but then I better be level-headed, cos 2 tests are coming up next week. And i have to start on my thesis soon.

Something new that I got from watching House MD.

In life, everything will not be right all the time
But, everything will not be wrong all the time too.

So i guess we just have to take that leap of faith and do what we have to do to the best we can.

So take that shot!

Cant believe this is how PGP looks from a camera... It sure looks like we are not in Singapore...

This week was meant to be term break but i think this is the only time that I've actually spent it everyday in school on doing my FYP. Everyday from 10-6! Almost like a real job! It's been pretty crazy and pretty taxing since I dont really have any break at all, with the exception of yesterday. I couldnt take it yesterday but today I had to go back again.

Thankfully im not alone and I have friends who are there to keep me sane and keep me going. Have not been having much social life this semester. I hardly go out except on friday nights where I go out for late-night supper.Only on certain days, went out to celebrate birthdays, went out to watch performance like Gaya by SMUKI and Love in the Heir by Eusoff Production. Saturdays been pretty much cooped at home trying to catch up with the rest of the modules. But this break is not that efficient at all since I have not caught up with any.

It's 3 more months towards the end and I'm determined to really try finish it well. I really want to at least make my parents proud and not disappoint them. Let's jiayou people! =) And i miss my family more and more now. I cant wait for June to come by! Hopefully even July too. As much as I wish i can get a job soon, I am hoping to remain jobless!