Truths for Mature Humans

I was sitting here with my kids reading this laughing my butt off.  They looked at me like I was crazy but that's ok they are only 1 and 2.

Truths for Mature Humans


1. I think part of a best friends job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to take a nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5.  How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary.

7. Map Quest really needs to start the directions at #5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all agree to just ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray ?  I just don't want to have to start my collection....Again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

14. " Do not machine wash or tumble dry"  means I will never wash this -  ever

15. I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring ( Hello?  Hello? **** it!) but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do when I didn't answer?  Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving the house confident and looking good and then not seeing any one of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freeze deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an " avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on the first time I saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over loaded plastic bags in each hand than have to make 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the difference between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just smile and nod because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line up of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong brothers and sisters.

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school students get dumber and dumber every year.

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond when you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back to far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what form of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still have no idea what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people can have a hard time locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pining the tail on the donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Courses for Men and Women

Now I didn't write this but it is just way to funny not to share, so enjoy.

Courses for
Men and Women

Courses for Women

Taught by men, for women.

101	Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
102	Doing Housework Without Complaining
103	Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge
104	Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)
105	Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
106	Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother
107	Learning How to Initiate Intimacy
108	How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
109	Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
110	Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
111	The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too
112	Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
113	"The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous
114	How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him
115	The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle
116	You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
117	Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable
118	Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem (formerly One Can Is Enough)
119	Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
120	Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
121	Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There
122	Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours
123	Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
124	Makeup: The Less is More Theory
125	Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

Courses for Men

Taught by women, for men.

101	Combating Stupidity
102	You Too Can Do Housework
103	P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
104	How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
105	We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas – Give Us Money
106	Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk At 4 AM
107	Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly "Don't Wash My  Silks")
108	Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception
109	Get a Life – Learn How To Cook
110	How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong
111	Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
112	Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
113	You – The Weaker Sex
114	Reasons To Give Flowers
115	How To Stay Awake After
116	Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom
117	Garbage – Getting It To the Curb
118A	You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
118B	The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
119	The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
120	How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
121	How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
122	The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
123	Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
124	How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
125	You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
126	Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
127	Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
128	The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary
129	Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
130	Real Men Ask For Directions
131	How To Take Illness Like a Man

Funny Travel Stories

These are apparently true stories from travel agencies, whether they are or not they are funny so I thought I would share them with you.

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!


A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."