I'm not crazy...really.

Right now I am anxiously excited nervously awaiting news about a potential babysitter.

For weeks, I have been dreading this. Ever since our treatment by the social worker and then the therapist, I've literally been stressed out and terrified of letting ANYONE near my kids. People just don't seem to understand.

Hubbins and I have an appointment this Wednesday. I initially contacted the agency 3 weeks ago and barely signed up last week. OF COURSE, right after I signed up something happens. The kids and I had been working out in the yard and SS (who is 10) apparently got heat rash. Rather then tell me, she listened to her brother and decided to try and scrape the rash off her arm. It looked like someone had drug her arm through rocks. I told her to shower and put some aloe on it and never to listen to her brother again. I told her yet again that she needed to tell an adult and let an adult handle these types of things.

She nodded solemnly and promised. Apparently the Aloe caused her skin to break out on her arms and legs where she had put it on. Rather than come to us, I guess the sheer genius of a 7 year old brother who can't read or do much of anything convinced her that she should indeed listen to him and she continued with the scraping on her arms and legs. What puzzles me the most is that I have an intercom in the room and heard nothing. I have video in the room and I saw nothing. She was doing her school work, etc...They are on restriction from talking and touching each other. My only guess is that the boy sang it to her. Since he was singing and I was trying to block the screeching out busy. So now, no singing. *sigh*

Any how, I gave her benadryl (note to self: add aloe to list of SS allergies.) and had her put hydrocortisone on it. It's obvious that the rash itself is now gone but she still looks like someone dragged her through rocks. I guess I should note after I discovered she had done this to herself, I ordered her to fill the tub and take a bath so she could soak a little. When I went in with the hydrocortisone, I found her sitting in the bathtub fully clothed with the water running over her legs. I stared at her. Totally speechless. I was backing out of the bathroom to avoid saying something I shouldn't when I collided with the oldest. The oldest took one look in the bathroom and burst out laughing. I still had no expression. So the oldest reached out and gave me a hug. She thanked me for something too but I have no idea....

This type of thing infuriates me, not what she did but the way it makes me feel. I mean, I wonder if it was my bio child who had done something like this, would I still stress over it? Would the thoughts of CPS taking the kids away from me cross my mind? I mean things happen but I've been given the impression that things aren't supposed to happen in foster or adoptive care.

I know how it could probably look, I mean, I stood there totally dumbstruck and just stared at SS. There just weren't words. So if I tell someone else this happened and they look at me the same way...I know.... but the difference is I really saw it and it's unbelievable so if push ever came to shove would anyone believe me?

Which takes me back to my point... I was terrified and dreading hiring someone to come into my house. Then around noon, I got a call or rather a message on the machine from the agency. She thinks she has a perfect match for me. They have a babysitter who has been with the agency for 3 years. She lives with her mom and she is helping her raise her 13 year old nephew who has RAD. She knows about it, she has volunteered in orphanages and she spent last summer helping a friend who just had a baby get back on her feet.

SQUEEE!!!

I mean I have been on the verge of tears since then. I'm so afraid I'm going to make a damn fool out of myself and start crying.

I've NEVER met any one in REAL LIFE who deals with RAD on a daily basis much less anyone who is raising family with it.

I can't even describe how much stress was lifted from my shoulders when I heard that message. Don't get me wrong. I'm still stressed but suddenly I feel like there's a possibility of connecting with another tangible human being who knows some of what I am going through. I know I have all you out there and pllllease don't get me wrong...but you guys are well....out there.

I know you exist and I know you go through a lot of the same things, but do some of you feel like me, like maybe it's all a cruel joke? Like, we are all these families who go through the same things and yet we are all so far away from each other and never will really be close enough to help each other like we would want to? Almost like we aren't real...when we are so real it hurts? I've even wished for a compound where RAD families can choose to live and help each other....oh...ok...that's just me?

I know I probably don't make sense, I just don't know how to articulate it. But to have someone so close who KNOWS. I guess let me put it this way. Like I was saying above I am afraid of almost any little thing that happens with the kids or what people will think about the cameras,etc... because it's like if a social worker were to come knocking on my door and I'd tell them...well Lisa does this, and Dia does that... of course you guys are all in different states and the social worker would probably think I have lost MY mind. Does that make sense?

Damn, this post is going to make me seem like I've lost my marbles. But I'm putting it out there.

Things are like a thousand times better since I made my declaration that RAD doesn't live here anymore. But there's still that fear that the bitch will worm her way back in somehow. So we are still sort of living like a calmer milder version...RADs baby sister if you will, is napping in the other room and we don't want to wake her. You know...just in case...

Orphan Movie- Not what people think it is

I went to go see the movie Orphan yesterday.

First, I must share with you all that at the ripe old age of 33. I was carded. It was a pleasant shock but none the less a shock. lol

Based on the fact that I went to see the movie, you can guess I am not one of those adoptive parents boycotting the movie. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you are boycotting the movie, that is your option and I respect that.

But this is my blog and this is my opinion so play nice. For me, I personally believe the outcry is trying to make nothing into something; even more so after I saw the movie.

When I first saw the trailer, the little hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I saw this child and her behaviors and I immediately thought of CDQ. Not because she's adopted but because she has similar behaviors. I wanted to see this movie because I thought for once it might be one that would scare the beejeezus out of me.

But in fact, as I sat there basically non responsive while others were gasping and astounded by the child's behavior. I was reliving bits and pieces of the last three years. I could tell that I was experiencing this movie a totally different way then the people around me were. Sure there were far reaches and the movie has it's unrealistic lame moments, but it was what it was- a movie.

Honestly, until the video cameras, until the door alarms, until the baby monitors...I did not feel safe in my own home. I wasn't even aware of it until after the fact because when you are in the middle of it and you are alone in it, one can tend to think they are being silly about the whole situation and dismiss things. There are many of us, many of us that live this way, that sleep with one eye open or don't sleep at all. You know who you are. There are even some of us whose children have attempted to physically harm us or even succeeded in physically harming us or the other children in our home whether they be blood siblings or not.

This movie will hit home for us. I can guarantee you it will be like it was for me sitting there with terms like triangulation flying through your mind. You will see how the therapists operate, you will see the mother be blamed for the child's behavior, you will see the manipulation, the seduction, you will see things that you know to be real, even though the people around you will never really think of it as real.

I personally feel that if this movie were to make a family change their mind about adoption, that family was not ready to adopt and it's probably better that way. People need to know that adoption is not all rainbows and unicorns. I'm not saying it's all bad either. What I am saying is before I adopted my nieces and nephews, I had this idea that I had already seen the worst when I was raising my step nieces and step nephew. I was in no way prepared for 4 out of the 5 to be diagnosed with RAD or for any of the other disorders, most of which I had never heard of, even the social workers in both states weren't familiar with the disorders my kids have.

We were going to be a forever family and we would have so much fun and it would be great because it seemed like a win-win situation. Just like the parents believed at the beginning of the movie.

I've said it before, if these kids weren't my blood, we would not have adopted. As it was, we were pushed pretty hard and fast. That doesn't mean that I don't love the kids, but something was off and it was like a race to pawn them off before we found out what it was. At least that's what it felt like on this end.

There are some awesome mothers out there for whom raising children with traumas is their life's work. I am not one of those people. I've learned that most adoptive children have been through many things we can't fathom. I've learned that even if they haven't the very process of being adopted is a trauma for many. It's not just a beginning but it's also a very bittersweet end in most cases mainly for the child. I've also learned from other adoptive parents that whether you have your adoptive child from day 1 or right smack in the middle of their teenage years, there are no guarantees. To take it a step even further, I am actually half related to my kids and even then I had no clue.

I think the biggest oversight is not informing potential foster and adoptive parents of these possibilities. To try and hide these things from potential parents is setting the family up for failure. People are comparing the use of the word "orphan" to the use of the N word. People don't want others to see the movie because they think it is ignorant. How does that make sense?

What's ignorant is keeping people from vital information so that an informed decision can be made BEFORE a child is put through yet another trauma and another family. If this movie can make someone who is considering adoption think twice and do a little research, I think that's a wonderful thing. But sadly, I don't think this movie is anything more than a movie and no one believed *any* of it could really be true. I also don't think people will think of the "child" in the adopted context as much as they will think of her as her own separate being but of course, I can't say too much without giving anything away, all I can say is that maybe some people should have watched the movie before they said anything.

What??? You didn't know?

Apparently the deal in CDQ's head is once you get your period you are a woman.

So, all this time (almost a week), she's been strutting around telling everyone but the Hubbins and myself that she is a woman.

I killed that noise really quick and then she turned around and attacked the oldest by yelling at her that "she (the oldest) wasn't a young lady". The oldest was in her room studying and came out with a bewildered expression. She had no clue why she was being attacked. I'm afraid I couldn't tell her why either. Whatever. The girl has lost her mind. I did find it amusing that the oldest's comeback to that accusation was "I never said I WAS a young lady." hehehe

I explained to her and everyone else on the block that maybe when she is out on her own paying her own bills, with her own place and her own transportation... then maybe she could consider herself a woman but even then it's still up in the air because in my eyes it's not blood or age that makes you a woman but your maturity level. So there! Nanny nanny boo boo!

I will admit...there was a part of me that wanted to give her the whole wacko-you-are-an-unclean-sinner and are "cursed" breakdown and how she must be especially evil to get hers so soon but I couldn't do it. My feminist within just wouldn't let me go that low. lol

Instead, I told her she was 9 and still just a child, a little girl...just like everyone else and of course she tried to kill me with her eyes. I don't know about the rest of you but I have very low tolerance for that type of thing. Very low. It's going to be an interesting 9 years to say the least.

How can this be?

Ok, there are several things that have been bugging me lately. I feel like the world is on my shoulders (I know it's not).

My mom called me several days ago. In case you haven't been reading my blog for very long, I have an ex-stepsister we will call her L. She's pushing 40--still a druggie, still a prostitute...and pregnant again. She had 4 children back to back when I was starting high school and I spent the whole of my high school years and the first part of my college years taking care of them save for a year in college out of state. They were all born drug addicted.

These kids are now almost legal. Only three are alive. C killed herself. That was those kids.

With that background...please also know that before all this happened with my kids I have now, My mother had guardianship of them. She was supposed to have all the kids except for baby Bela who was killed but she let my sister take them anyway.

Alright, with that said...my mom called me. She went on and on about how she misses me and I'm the best kid she has and she tells everyone, blah blah blah. Then she tells me L had the baby and the baby was born addicted to meth. She said they ran background checks on everyone who L had submitted names to get the baby. My mom was the only one who passed. I don't even get that since they terminated her rights and supposedly charged her with failure to protect as well. But I guess that is another story.

The night she called me they had gone to court to decide placement of the baby. Well the judge decided this poor drug addicted baby had no business being pulled from the "mother" who caused this addiction and gave the baby back to L. W. T. F!!!!!

I don't get it. We have these people fighting for the right of an unborn child to live only so the courts can place them in the very circumstances that kill them? How could they lay down this murder sentence for this poor innocent child by giving the child back to her? How can they do this? I can only conclude that it is their way of ridding the world of all the "mistakes". Some sort of twisted survival of the fittest which somehow releases them from a guilty conscience.

Then my mom tells me that L called her. She saw the baby get the shakes from withdrawals and she "sees everything she did to her children." Stupid #$%^$. She will never see what she's done to her children. Even if she sticks around long enough for this one. Withdrawals are a drop in the bucket compared to all I have seen and I was only there for the first several years. The fear, the loneliness, the unhappiness. The kids at school. The confusion. The eternal sadness. That's all the tip of the iceberg. She will never see that. I was so shaking mad, one withdrawal and she thinks she understands.

It's been eating at me that she still has that newborn. It's a death sentence for that baby.

-------

I had to surrender our dog Dellyne. In our neighborhood there are pits and rottweilers running loose constantly. There are also a ton of unsupervised children daily. Young children.

Dellyne kept getting out of her kennel and our gate. She had on a harness, a collar, two tie downs and was in a dog run and a gated yard. She got out of all that and broke the gate and was down the street where all the mess is.

I couldn't risk her being attacked by one of those other dogs. I couldn't risk a child getting hurt. I did all I could to keep her locked in and safe and she just wasn't having it. So I had to surrender her to the pound. It was heartbreaking, but I know it was the responsible thing to do. She had been getting out for months and I was still able to keep her in for a couple of weeks at a time but by this time she was breaking out every night. At least, I think.

I don't know if someone was coming in. I told Hubbins about the morning before I took her in. I saw the tie downs leading to her dog house. Madi was going to the bathroom and I was calling Dellyne. She wouldn't come out (so I thought). I was asking her if she was still mad at me about the other day and she still didn't come out which was very odd. I walked over to the dog house where I found the collar and the harness thrown in there. I don't really know if she could have done it that way or broken the fence. But she's gone now and I miss her. Stupid dog. Why couldn't she stay in the yard? *sigh*

---

Lastly, CDQ started her period. I couldn't sleep over that one. Literally. I stayed up all night until about noon the next day. If you are thinking, isn't there another one before CDQ? Yes. SS is 10, CDQ is 9.

Lovely.

Even more lovelier, I don't think 8 year old Poufy is far behind. She's growing on top just as much as CDQ is. I really wouldn't be surprised if she started next.

As for SS, word through the grapevine is that she is jealous. Oh honey...don't be. Really. I don't know how to tell her she's blessed. lol

I guess first I need to find out what kind of magic they think is going to happen when they get their period because I can't for the life of me understand the happiness that has been coming from this curse development.

The icing on the cake. Mine started the same day. Argh.

Damn my shoulders hurt.

Banks are the devil's work... I tell ya!

**Language Warning**

So, this morning I woke up to a bank account that I just don't understand. $200 in fees that I don't understand.

Before I appear like a complete moron, my first job when I was 16 was in data processing at the local bank. My last job before my current job was in Information Technology. I know they are using their databases to screw people.

Sure, I should keep a register and sure, I should know my balances...if I had legitimately been charged for my mistakes, I would suck it up and move on, plus I would still have $170 in my pocket. But I feel the practice of backing out all my transactions from the LAST THREE WEEKS and reordering them so that the smaller amounts (i.e. $1.07. $3.98, etc...) are the most current and the larger amounts are the oldest so that they can charge me $30 multiple times is worthy of an asskicking. There's not mine. Especially when the bitch CSR on the other end of the line is lying.

Do I think shooting up a building is justified? no. But I think I can see how someone would lose it. But I digress.

So, I went searching for a new bank...I thought I had scoured all the information at this particular bank and it looked good. So I applied. Then I logged in for online banking where I was offered the opportunity to earn $100 for opening a new account. Ahem.

If you said "Cool Sasha, you just opened an account and earned $100. Go girl!" then you are sadly mistaken.

I launched the chat window to see if I qualified for this offer. The CSR successfully found me the very URL I was staring at with the offer on it. At this point I am thinking Oh Shit I probably typed it weird and he misunderstood me. I explain again that I just opened an account 20 minutes ago and when I launched my online banking there was an offer to earn $100 if I opened an account. He directs me to the right phone number I need to call.

So I call the number. I'm speaking to the CSR there, telling the story again for the third time.

She tells me there isn't an offer like that unless you go the home page then there is this "thing called a banner that changes." That's where the offer is. I explain to her that actually the offer is sitting on my online banking page under new accounts and special offers.

She tells me if I type in the url I *might* see the offer at the top of the page. "Like right now, I'm at the website and the banner says we now print copies of checks on receipts when you pay with a check."

Me: "Oh, I see, I didn't see that because I did a search for bank name checking and it took me straight to your checking page."

Her: "Oh, well you have to go to bank name .com. You can't go through another websites page. "

Me: "But it's not another websites page, it's still part of bank name. "

Her: "You have to go to bank name .com, that's the only way to see the banner."

Me: "Really, that check receipt thing seems like a great feature...so do I have to go to the homepage every day and refresh it every time to find out what your bank offers me as a customer or is there a page I can go to where all the new offers are at?"

Her: *silence* then "You have to go to the website bank name.com"

Me: *thud, thud, thud* the sound of bashing my head against the desk.

Her: "I can check and see if your application has been processed and if it hasn't I can cancel it and you can start again and use the code for that offer?"

Me: "ok"

Her: "It looks like it's not here yet. You can keep calling us within the next three hours so we can cancel it, but if we process it before or in between your calls we can't cancel it. Sorry."

Me:"Ok, bye."

About 15 minutes later, I get an e-mail that my application has been processed. fuckers

P.S. Did I mention they held my direct deposit paycheck so they could overdraft me and then deposited it so they could collect their fees? fuckers

A misunderstanding

Madi's first bath at home.

Yesterday was Madigan's first vet appointment. He has a bit of a hacking cough, so we suspected kennel cough.

He was so well-behaved he impressed everyone there. When the vet asked for a sample. He obliged. (Outside in the dirt area of course)

So, the receptionist said she would take the sample and asked me to show her where it was. Boy was it stinky.

Fast forward to this morning's phone call

Receptionist: Madigan has (some word I don't know). I have antibiotics waiting for him.

Me: What is that?

R: It's a protozoan.

Me: What is that?

R: It's a protozoan. I've had pets who have had that before.

Me: Still wondering what the hell that is...

R: I thought I smelled it when I collected the sample. Can you hold a minute?

I hear her answer the other line and ask them to hold... then she comes back:

R: I put my finger in what was left behind and apparently my dog likes it too.

Me: EWWWWWW!!!

R: So, I don't think you'll have a problem giving Madigan the medicine.

M: The medicine?! OH! *giggles*

Yep, I thought she was still talking about the stool sample. I know my eyes must've been huge saucers starting with the whole "I put my finger in what was left" LOL!

New family member

After the last post, we decided to go ahead and add to the family...

Make a Smilebox scrapbook