walked out and leave me cold...

*sigh
*sigh
*sigh
*sigh
*sigh


i sigh all the time at home because i cant do anything internet related.bummer.

2008's wish list:

- streamyx @ 20,PBC

- new job that i really have passion about ;( ^sada is R.I.G.H.T^

- all the sweetmeats that i adore

currently im obsessed with house-keeping.

i wanted all kinds of storage container so that i can neatly stack my possession(s) away...out of sight...

and i want to add that..

if i have washed all my clothes, i refuse to use it all over again

i want it to be clean and softlan-scented.

how OCB is that?

taa ;)

places where hungry hearts have nothing to eat...

from now on, i will try to post every entry with my favourite lines of lyrics of songs LOL ;p

i know it is a cliche of the saying "u will never miss the water until it is gone". no matter how much we are being reminded of it, we never actually bring ourselves to obey it. u know, if someone can point out to me that there is such person out there, i want to get to know him or her...

often when i read my emails that contain these things, i will experience the heartfelt emotions running through my bloodstream. but sadly, the effect only lasts awhile. i know im the kind who like to focus on what others do to me,especially those who directly/indirectly HURT me whom i also consider as my friends. this is a promise im trying to fulfill that i hope in later years, i will be able to appreciate them for the good things so that i will not have to suffer the consequences of not embracing the "people are flawed" reality check.

though i refused to be the "bigger person" any longer.
now, that is a new fact of me =)

what??

Your Love Life is Like The Princess Bride

"Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." For you, love is like a fairy tale - albeit a fairly twisted one. You believe romance is all about loyalty, fate, and a good big of goofy fun. Your love style: Idealistic yet quirky Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Perfectly romantic

What Movie Is Your Love Life Like?

complications of the heart.

so i watched an episode of OPRAH

and she had a guest which was mr barrack obama

one of the senator in US

he believes in an individual should think

how they are useful to others

rather than think of how others are useful to them.



somehow i found his words intriguing...

u see,when i was growing up

my mother always make sure that we learn

learn almost about anything possible

so that we will be able to become

a "useful" being [or so she calls it]

therefore i have become

one who will always try the best

to ease up other people's life

to the extend that

i think i am a doormat

where everyone can step on me

and wipe off all the dirt those people have on their feet

and i am just another accessory

which is not important until it is actually needed.

yeah,there. i said it.

again some might think

"oh~ there she goes again..thinking too much"

yadayadayada

but this time is no longer the mind's doing

it is the HEART

i consider myself as quite good-natured

notice that i use the word *quite*

as i have gone through several moments

of cursing+ill thoughts+paranoia

now, i would like to stop being the doormat

i want to be selfish..

in a way that i will no longer feel like

i am being used for the advantage of other people
wipe your feet somewhere else, sucker!!!

mood:convocation *yeay*

tomorrow will be THE DAY
where i round up my studying
of 5 years in UiTM
in TESL course...

never it crossed my mind
that im actually able to further studies
to this stage...
too many hardships/circumstances that discouraged me
to go on with pursuing better education

despite of financial difficulties
my beloved mother
who has suffered so much
who are ever willing to sacrifice
in every aspect of human being's capabilities
who never hang her hopes up
who eager to talk about improving life's situation
who despite of having to argue with her
very stubborn and always want to drag everyone down to earth
whenever people [in general] on cloud 9 *note:ME!*
she stands her ground,firmly.
she is the one who convinced me
to just study and let her worry about other things herself
which eventually
made me feel so damn proud to have her as my mom

my life would never be happy,
pleasant, worry-free...
i accepted the fact ever since i can think. logically.
but all her effort made it so different
that i dont feel too bad myself.

i hope my big bro is coming too
although i resented the idea in the first place
no thanks to his attitude for the past 8 years..
it just too bad that HE could not
celebrate it with us since he shut us
out of his life i-lost-count years ago...

i know i should be grateful
i know i shoud be content
i know i should be pompous
for having such a blissful people around me
throughout my 23 years of living and breathing

i should care less about those
conniving creatures
who expect me to fall from grace
who was sure that i would not make it in life
they can definitely "enjoy" the ride of karma...

facts:
*i watch hindustan movie and my favourite is mujhse dosti karoge *huge grin*
*i wanted to drive so badly that i even dreamed of driving cars. quite a number of time. =D
*my heart is like things in a box that says "fragile:handle with care"
*im a sickening crowd pleaser that people tend to get sick of after far too long
*my secret of staying so-called thin is to get yourself.... *tada* a gastritis
*i have bruxism and that helps in making my teeth look so straight...
*i choose my friends to the extend i avoid being too chummy with people
that sarcastic and harsh *fragility level is over the roof*
*i want to meet ZAID MUHAMMAD SAHARUN for the last time and get myself
the closure i have been looking for ;)
*i hate my handwriting LOL
*i let out a small chuckle whenever i think of something ridiculous
*i think i have two deformed, left feet. not because i cant dance,but because i walk funny =)
*i look at my feet's walking reflections everytime i walk past a glass.

ta~

when two worlds collide...

random mode.


*i cant scream,literally.
*i need more fatty tissue in my body.ASAP.
*im currently craving for whipped cream and toasted bread with butter+kaya.
*its true, my playlist is full of melayan-perasaan songs.
*i shake my head a little when i thought of something unpleasant,usually about perspective.
*i dont actually have perfect skin, thank u.
*dont feel like doing anything at all, mood:numb.
*deperately need to stop thinking...for some time
*guilt ridden.
*love and loathe them so much.
*hoping to finish reading the girl in times square
*longing for acceptance.
*she said i worth more than i think.
*want a new watch!!
*dreamt of my sis got good grades for SPM ^praying hard^

P:why did they do this to me?
N:dont even ask why, they just do.
P:maybe they dont mean to.
N:no, in fact they meant everything.
P:why do u have to make it such drama?
N:if i dont, they think its ok. they think im not pissed off. which i so am
P:let it be, u are making a big deal out of nothing...
N:am i now?

to be continued...

overwhelmed...

im at my wit's end currently...
first my mobile is broken
then i borrowed my roommate's
then i stupidly lost it last friday *damn!*

after that,on the very same friday i went to KLIA
with the rest of my relatives
to send my cousin off to Japan...she is studying there
we had to spend a night over at my uncle's house

however, when we got home only to realize
that some of our things was left there
its exahusting to return to bangi
just for the sake of picking up those things
and i ended up being blame for carelessness
my sister and i to be exact...

then i found out that several students of mine
*is it complaining or just pouring their hearts out*
are not happy with my teaching...
frankly i dont blame them...
i dont have the passion for teaching anyway
so go figure
im so sorry that u have to put up with
such novice yet unwilling to improve teacher...

im used to blaming myself
whenever things go wrong
which in the end
i suffer from anxiety attack
most of the time my hands will tremble continuously
my heart pounding so fast as if i have been running 24/7
another session of bottling up negative emotions
god~ sometimes i even think that
im not worth living.....

not saying out loud whatever that hurts me from the inside
i always find myself in defensive mode
and people make fun of it...
they claim im not open-minded
they claim im overly sensitive
they even claim that im a big cry-baby
WTF??


no matter how much i told myself
not to listen to them
not to take it to the heart
not to cry silently during sleep
i can never brace myself to obey
i always end up a mess
a disastrous mess as i always be

*positive is no longer an option*

jaded...~

What Your Pizza Reveals

People may tell you that you have a small appetite... but you aren't under eating. You just aren't a pig. You consider pizza to be bread... very good bread. You fit in best in the Midwest part of the US. You like food that's traditional and well crafted. You aren't impressed with "gourmet" foods. You are generous, outgoing, and considerate with your choices. You are cultured and intellectual. You should consider traveling to Vienna. The stereotype that best fits you is upper class preppy. You don't anything too ordinary or vulgar.

What Does Your Pizza Say About You?

You Are the Middle Finger

A bit fragile and dependent on your friends, you're not nearly as hostile as you seem. You are balanced, easy to get along with, and quite serious. However, you can get angry and fed up with those around you. And you aren't afraid to show it! You get along well with: The Index Finger Stay away from: The Pinky

What Finger Are You?

You Are a Chocolate Mocha and Orange Cheesecake

Enthusiastic and intense, there's so much you love in the world... it's hard to do it all. You are good at getting things to mix - friends, flavors, hobbies. You're the master of fusion!

What Kind of Cheesecake Are You?

You Are a Cookie-Browine-Sundae

Totally sweet, delicious, and comforting. You are a total glutton for... everything!

What Kind of Sundae Are You?

You Should Be With an Air Sign!

Your best match is a Gemini, Libra, or Aquarius Why? You crave excitement and playful banter Only an Air Sign can match your wit - and keep you on your toes As for fun, an Air Sign guy will show you plenty? with tons of surprises Just be sure to introduce him to some new playful experiences as well!

What Sign Guy Should You Date?

You Are 60% Real

You're pretty real with people, but you can't help hiding a good part of yourself. You're not truly happy with who you are at times... and believe it or not, it shows. Try not to hide parts of your life from the people who matter to you. Your friends and family are probably a lot more accepting than you realize!

How Real Are You?

preference/liking/fond

i like u
but u are not within reach
i like u
but u are wayyyy out of my league
i like u
but u are taken
i like u
but u are emotionally unavailable
why do i like u?
nobody knows for sure
is it actually wrong
just because u like someone?

so many to say
but words scarcely express the truth

life after college would be....?

to answer the question above,

the suitable answer is W.O.R.K.IN.G!!~

being a regular visitor to my mom's workplace

i have learned a little bit about the do's and dont's of employment

THE TOP 3 DO'S

DO participate in every event conducted by your department

DO make small talk with your superior(s)

[smile is indeed not sufficient]

DO accept anything comes your way despite of the feeling of loathsome

[hypocrisy as you may call it]

THE TOP 3 DONT'S

DONT cross your colleagues' path in a way that will place you in hot water

DONT gather around with the same kind of crowd

DONT do your work in a hurry [take your time]

actually i wanted to blog about my biggest crush in high school

he had gotten married on july

at first he misscalled me

and being paranoid,i sent a message saying if it was his fiancee's doing

that i got nothing to do with it.

it turned out to be him...

he replied n asked for my current address

to send his wedding invitation over =(

i was so taken aback when i was reading the message

i didnt expect him to be getting married THAT early

when the actual day comes,

i still havent found anyone who i can ask to go to his wedding

when i asked my mom,she refused to

the reason was she didnt want me to break down

seeing him on the pelamin with another person...

somehow my sis agreed with the notion too...

no matter how hurt i was after what he did to me

i refuse to hold grudges to them anymore...

though i may say that im still bitter about it

but now that they have gotten married,

all seems to melt away with the sacred bond

they committed to their respective other half...


my lil sis,however,has different perspective

regarding the matter..

she said that she would never let those people

to live in peace [let alone rest in peace *erks*]

i want to live a content life,thats all =)



i need a closure~

unfinished business...

she said that my habit of saying hanging utterances are
due to the unfinished business that i have with people in general



yes thank you so much
it is obvious though despite of me having a little shock
listening to her to say that

to be frank,

my life has never been empty without

any kind of unfinished business
because deep down inside,

i think my self-worth is zero,nada,zilch
i dont serve any importance to anyone...at all

therefore,my life has always been about other people

they worth a lot more than i do (see?)

after discussing it with my mom+aunt

they advised me not to bottle up everything

inside me because its definitely unhealthy

i got headaches

i got bloated stomach

i got feet cramps

it even makes me grind my teeth harder during my sleep *yikes*

so how do i finish the unfinished?

my beloved mom and aunt

has asked me to just speak up

whenever i feel like im being verbally attacked

as not to store every single upset thought

so that i wont have i-should-have-said-that moments

after the awkward time long gone

yes,thats what i love to do

think of what had happened to me

analyzed it

come up with the possible outbursts that i should have said

to the person who whether directly and indirectly hurt my feelings

its pathetic,i know that

but i cant help it...

its my nature hence i keep on

repeating the same mistakes

over and over again

*sigh of relief*

heck,i feel soooooo much better now ^_^

life is never easy

i have admitted to the fact long ago

but its never too late to improve yourself right??

ta~

sebey~

1.What are your initials?
-SMS ;p
2. What is your favorite thing to wear?
-jeans n shirt
3. Last thing you ate?
-secret recipe's chocolate indulgence
4. I say "SHOTGUN", you say?
-"marriage?" hehe ;)
5. last person you hugged?
-iqbal azahar
6. Does anyone you know wanna date you?
-nope,never i think
7. The last place you went out to eat?
-this fabolous restaurant in rawang
8. Who is your best friend(s)?
-ermm....
9.What do you want to eat at the moment?
-chicken lasagna
10. Who/What made you angry today?
-nothing really =)
11. Favorite type of Food?
-mom's cooking
12. Favorite holiday:
-penang/new zealand/uk+us
13. Do you download music:
-yup,from friends haha
14. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
-Yup,usually because im quite particular about these things
15. Would you date the person who posted this?
-of course not,shes my junior...go figure
16. Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?
-nope but only dedicated it to me *sigh*
17. Do you love anyone?
-sure,my family (mom+lil sis) and close relatives
19. Have you ever gone sky diving?
-not yet haha as if im going to *im afraid of heights*
20. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
-ten years older??hit me??hmmm~
21. Have you ever met a real rapper?
-Never!
22. What is your mood now?
-still blur and need to take bath
23. How is the weather right now?
-i think its sunny
24. What are you listening to rightnow?
-jenny from the click five...
25. What is your current favorite song?
-hey there delilah from plain white t's
26. What was the last movie youwatched?
-transformers/ratatouille/shrek 3
27. How many red shirts you own?
-2...i dont know what got into me,i dont even like red *_*
28. What's one thing you've learned this year?
-nothing is easy,especially working!!...
29. Have you ever fired a gun?
-no,dont want to
30. Favorite channels/shows?
-hallmark,axn,8tv,e!,star world
31. have you cried recently?
-last wednesday...too much pressure and i was in the middle of that time of the month
32. Who would you like to see right now?
-ZMS,after he got married :D
33. Favorite movie?
-currently transformers ^_^
34. Do you find yourself loved?
-yes...although sometimes i dont think so
35. Favorite flower?
-tulips...actually any will do as long as it smells great
36. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
-caramel-ed...is there such word??haha ;p
37. What Magazines are you reading?
-currently not reading any but i read cleo,eh!,women's weekly etc
38. Who or what made you laugh today?
-naughty iqbal
39. What's something that really bugs you?
-annoyance huhu
40. Do you like michael jackson?
-erm not now,used to when his songs were awesome
41. What is your favorite smell?
-ambi pur's lavender breeze and softlan's spring fresh
42. Favorite cereal?
-kellogs' frosties
43. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep?
-the longest would be until 7am...assignments...dont ask :D
44. Last time you went bowling?
-last year
45. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
-erm none??i live a pathetic life hahaha :D
46. From whom was your last phone call?
-lin mis,high school friend
47. Last text message?
-iedot,housemate
48. What's the closest orange object to u?
-the icon "publish post" hahaha ;p
49. Do you love someone?
-i hope so.... ;(

kebosanan melanda~~

merdeka getaway?

for the first time in my life (im sure)

i slept early on the merdeka eve

11.30pm to be exact *LOL*

u cant blame me though

i was so tired of working that day

(its not like im not tired any other day)

;p

so my mother,my little sis and i decided

go to my beloved aunt's house in bkt beruntung

this is the third place i want to be to calm myself

i miss iqbal so much anyway ;)

since i just got my first pay last thursday,

and since she has been helping my family a lot

through emotional and financial predicament

i treat them dinner as well as

secret recipe's chocolate indulgence *yummy*

i dont mind spending for them

as im forever indebted to this whole family...

they are the only family i regard as the coolest

because of their humble lifestyles

and not forgetting excellent social skills :D

oh yeah,now that i have mentioned about my salary,

the only 2 prized possession i bought with it are:

++my violet sony walkman

1GB for rm199

i thought of buying another for little sis

nah~ maybe next salary ;p

++my zara blazer

it cost me a damn rm249 *_*

my other housemates bought their own blazers too

but it cost them less than rm100

one even bought 2 for rm150

*ugh*

no more explanation thank u

i feel like suffocating myself to death *_*

there are lots of other things that i would like to buy

but then i have to control my cravings

as im no longer depending on my mother

i have to be fully responsible of my own expenses *sigh*

sometimes i wish that i dont have to grow up

because growing up is painful

it BITES through your soul~

huhuhu

i cant wait for another session of food-indulging

with syahda,nazi and wawa ^_^

ta~

p/s:i couldnt find the picture for my zara blazer/jacket ;)

it aint easy..~

hey there...yes i know it has been awhile
though i doubt anyone would like to read my blog heee :D
anyway it has been 1month i have started teaching
INTEC students...i had my own cold-feet session
where i thought they would not be cooperative
being straight A's students and all
well,u get the idea...
they are not half as bad as i thought they would be...
there are some of whom i call *my angels*
that is only because they actually participated in class
so far,i should say i enjoy teaching them ^_^

i need life adjustment~

the cutie now has turned into
the good-looking... ;p

i have experienced so much that
i refuse to have any anymore

its been awhile....

hey peeps...
ever since streamyx@115 has been terminated,
i can hardly update the blog
(not that i update it frequently if the streamyx is still exist)
huahuahuahua :P
last week,a lot of incidents happen

-my pre-grad dinner
-i got heat stroke *not as bad*
-i sent my first AE draft

cant remember anymore important than these 3 ;)

going to graduate soon

*sobs*

ta~

lie but dont pretend

i dreamt last night
i got RM1 coin
and that i cut my hair
short...

does it supposed to mean anything??
*ponders*

im sick
sick of missing
and wondering

do u know that
i used to be a generous smiler
back when i was a toodler?
it all vanished
when somebody gave a VERY NEGATIVE response
to my smile
since then i couldnt really
brace myself to smile
ever again...

being in this field,
i cant help myself
from agreeing to the fact
that parents wouldnt bother
how they treat their children
they always claim that
its their way to "educate" them

go and burn yourself in H.E.L.L