Phew~~ I still survived! Never been running so intense ever since I quit dragonboat. Glad that I still survived and I can see my improvement each day after the run. Muscle aches, but I still hang in there... I know this is so trivial to many ppl, but to me is a huge challenge.. Mental challenge to b exact... Glad that I have you as my motivation and motivator. Because u never give up, I dun dare to give up during the gym..haha.. Thanks for giving me confidence and convince me that I will b able to complete the run on sun. I will try my best.

Although I am having fever, but I think I can manage it. It is not severe, So should b fine.. Hopefully I can still run tmr and may b tmr is the last training that I have before the run...

Thx for running with me.

run

today i went for a run.. after so many years, i finally run again.

i have to admit that i am really old ady... just a 10 minutes run make me fatigue and couldn't breath. what a shame to myself.. then i forgotten all the stuff i learnt in dragon boat. din do my warming up, drink water after run, face down and breath.. all the prohibited stuff. lol... i ended up vomit in toilet because drank water after run.

been too long since the last time i exercise... actually i kinda wanna ask myself, why am i doing this to myself? mentally is not really prepared for the 10km run in 6 days time. then i still wan to try it. at least convince myself i can do it. so i did put in my effort to try whether is it possible for me to make it. people may look down on me, but at least i should honour myself in any circumstances. honour my decision and never regret.

just now kena scolded for mentally weak. lol... i deserved it. i should kept telling myself, i wun die. i cannot die yet. so just take it and continue. mental must be stronger than physical. coz it is the control centre for the body. so i must not defeated by myself. jiayou. i can do it!

afternoon i went to shop for my D&D suit. i kinda dislike the salesperson at bugis junction. may b i looks like a student, so they dun even wan to entertain me. i wan to try on the shirt, but just that no one is entertaining me, so i just walk away. then i went to bugis street. totally different scene, ppl there so enthu and kept asking me to try on although they knew the smallest size wun fit me since it is man's size. i kinda easy to persuade de ppl also. i spent so much on unnecessary shirt just because the shirt fits me. lol... i think this is the second time i buy man's outfit. although i dress up like butch, i never own any men's attire. all my shirt are still ladies outfit. hmmm.... may b this will be the last time also. coz i dun really like it. haha.. overspent so much today, i think i gonna eat air or instant noodles for the rest of nov ady...

i'm gonna run again tmr. hopefully i wun wake up with muscle ache since i didn't do my cooling down properly.. =P

如果到现在你都还没察觉我的用心，我是不是太失败了。。。

又破记录了。今天一整天只吃了一餐brunch。。还有一片蛋糕。我真的太神了。。。现在肚子饿，只能睡觉去。。

Second consecutive night with insanity.. Basically I am sleeping in the morning and working on assignment in the night. Thus, no insomnia coz when I sleep, my brain is already malfunction..

Right before 1am I am still energetic. But near to 2am, I am toasted.. Brain begins to feel suffocating and backache. However, my stupid brain tend to be more productive in cool and quiet environment. Especially midnight... Gosh... Damn bad for health... I definitely will fall sick if I continue to sleep at this late. Life!? Where is my life?!?!

If you ever care about me, would you just stop for me for a second? Just stay with me... How much I wish you would understand how I feel... But I always end up disappointed because I know I can never step into your heart. 

24 Oct 2013

Sometimes it is nice to have ppl to celebrate some special occasion with you, especially when you are alone with no one else around. I always celebrate 24 Oct. Every year since the year I met yingsze. Never miss any year. However, we lost contact since 2009.. So actually every year I am actually celebrating the special day with no one. Then when I became a mentor in TPIS, I have this mentee who having birthday on the same day with yingsze. Then since that I always remember her birthday and celebrate with her. Sometime I think if I never met this mentee, I might always feeling sad and sorrow on 24 Oct just like before. But now on 24 oct, I am actually celebrating her birthday, n she is celebrating my birthday since our birthday is only few days apart. Kinda happening.. Furthermore it is good to talk with ppl outside my current situation. Change my view and talks about non academic related stuff.. Hear Different perspective from different people, then I can  kind of escape from reality for a while.. Relief from stress for a while.

I did dress up abit today. Not just because I am celebrating her birthday, but actually they accompany me to celebrate my birthday. Kinda wan to see you, at least let u see May b a bit of good side of me... Is okay... U r busy. I can understand.. Will have plenty of chance in future. 

Actually I old ady, birthday doesn't really important to me. It is just another normal day to me. But I still feeling happy because i know ppl still put me in their mind... Really appreciate all the small gesture and kindness... 

Drunk from eating hotpot... I win liao lo.... 

Drunk. This is how I end my 24 Oct 2013...

It is ok if all these r just mirage.. As long as I can still enjoy the moments with you, I dun care..

This morning I am struggling.. Should I go or I shouldn't? How I am going to hide the sorrow I am having right now? How am I going to pretend like nothing had happened after u rejected me for forth times?

I am glad that I still go out with you. I think I did a good job on hiding my feelings.. As far as I can sense, u didn't notice anything at all. Which is good. No awkward moments. Furthermore, early in the morning, my brain kinda still sleeping. So my sleepy face does cover up a bit too..

Food hunt is fun~ enjoyed nice food and a nice tea. But I enjoy more in talking to you n get to know more about u.. Well.. I dun wan to pressure you. I know when you r ready to tell me, you will. If u choose not to tell me, I honor your decision.

Your smile is a beautiful scenery. I enjoy watching you smile. It is beautiful, if u don't know it yet. I can't denied that your smile indeed attracts me. I wish I can b the reason for your smile, although I know u will never belongs to me.. I know I can only be your friend.. No matter how much I try...

It is ok. I dun care about it anymore. As long as you stop avoiding me and I still have the chance to stay by your side. I dun care. Nothing is important to me..

every time you do this to me and what i can do is just suck it up, pick myself up and move on... i dun even have the chance to confess nor confront with you.. that's what you always do to me.. i always think you are my last. n i really meant it. yet this isn't going to work out doesn't it... i never had any chance. i knew it from the start. u rejected me 3 times, and today the forth times. well.... may b i am just thinking too much.. care too much.. and spent too much time with you... it's hard for me.. well.... you will never understand it.. as ning always said, relationship isn't everything in life. so just move on.. although i still have some feeling on you, but is ok.. i can handle it. it going to be painful, but i will be alright. no time to dwell on it.. thanks for all the kindness... thanks for the short happiness that you gave me.. i understand all the false hope is myself.. u never meant anything from the beginning. never...

How much I wish I can see you today, yet you are pushing me away for many many reasons... I was really looking forward to your reaction on my new hairs, but is ok.. Will have chance...

I am glad that you share with me and allows me to b part of ur food hunt.. Really can see how excited u r.. Good good~~ let's looking forward to it..

Brain isn't working after traveling.. Good night world..

或许此刻我真的该说服自己看清现实。。痴心妄想，在没有可能会有等于我们的我和你之间浮沉。到最后只会换来一句，what do you want?

我特意拉开自己与你的距离，对你不说的事充耳不闻，视而不见。使我无法察觉你的不安，更无法对你无微不至。。
我多余的关心，是你所不需要的吧～

负担。
我的关心只是多余的负担。
对你的担心，也是多余的吧。。

我该高兴地告诉自己你终于发现我的存在了？还是该问自己白日梦醒了没？不真实的感觉。。你是在给我机会吗？还是又是我想太多会错意？。。对你来说这只是一般而已。。

与你短短的聊天，我就已经满足了。。就已足够让我高兴的快飞上天。。你的关怀对我来说真的好奢侈。。

就算这只是我想太多，白日梦。。我也已经很满足了。呆在你身边，已足够。

why should i?

may b i am too unreasonable?? why should i be 100% perfect? for a person who does not even care... why should i?

i kind of grumpy and hot tempered today.. may b because of the stupid fever, make me so uncomfortable and feeling so sick most of the time.

i am trying to be nice. yet what was your respond? no. ok. fine.
well.. since u does not care to spend time to complete your sentence, why should i?
i seriously dun wan to mad about this, but i just couldn't.
mutual respect please..
if you dun like my rude respond, could you stop doing it to me?

i am having fever, n you are the fire that boil up my blood...
headache.
shouldn't put u in my mind in the first place...

凡事不要抓得太紧，
抓太紧，东西会碎，手会痛，心会累。

是不是因为我抓太紧了。。。

I just knew it. Damn fever... Why are u coming back to haunt me again??? The weakness and dizziness.. I just knew it.

Ya... May b u just wan someone's company. Anyone is fine. So I shouldn't take it personal. Just company. Nothing else. Ya.... Just friends...

I knew I never has a chance..

由不得

应该停止一切自责的行为。

你不信任我，不是我的错。
我已做了我该做的，别人怎么待我，
由不得我。

不是我不够好，是你不懂得欣赏。
我已说了我该说的，你接不接受我，
由不得我。

你不把我当一回事，对我毫不在乎，
错过了我，不是我的错。
我就是这样的我，你看不上，接受不了，
由不得我。

既然由不得我，我再自责也改变不了你的决定。与其痛苦折磨我自己，不如忽视你对我的影响。好好待自己。

For those who can't accept the worst of me, doesn't fit to see the best in me either.

Mirage..

I am confused.. I don't know what do you want. One moment ago you gave me cold shoulder and the next moment gave me false hope... What do u want?.. I really wish all these are just my own illusions. You never have a thing in me. Never even... That's y you can be that cruel to me.. Broken dreams.

And now I saw the weak part of you... I knew I still care for you. But I am not in the right position to comfort you nor eligible to be your listener... Simply because u still do not have the trust in me yet... Kinda sad.. After all the time we spent together... You still doesn't trust me.

Zillions times I told myself I shouldn't hold the feeling to you anymore.. Zillions times I told myself we are not suitable to each other... Zillions times I told myself all these are just mirage... Zillions times...

How do I say I never like u before?..
How do I let you go...
We are just hurting each other like nobody cares....

All the kindness... All the false hope...
All these are just mirage...
It doesn't happened in reality at all.
I am not your man in mind...
I should really get over you.

梦醒了。
我不再等待虚幻的你。。。

脚踏实地，为自己奋斗

well.... the medicine really put me down until i was unable to wake up...
i woke up by 1pm today.. really out of my expectation.. missed 2 lectures due to overslept, and manage to rush for my 2pm lecture. but i did sleep well and rest well. i do have quite good mood and energy for my midterm paper.

the midterm is quite easy, but i do not have enough time to write them. too indecisive  i think... kept changing my answer which waste too much of time. but overall i am happy with my performance. i had did my best and i have no regret. this might not be the best of me, but it is best of my effort. so ya~ i can rest for a while~~~

planning to play some games as complement of my effort~ so i think i will play until i really tired and sleep with med tonight. wakaka..

hopefully it will not put me down until i couldn't wake up tmr~

Waiting for then medicine to take effect... Been insomnia since last week. Getting worsen each night... Yesterday was awake until 8am. This is really really bad for my body... Today I decide to take medicine that will put me down.. But tmr will b very difficult to wake up coz if the side effects... Anyway, I really need to sleep coz midterm is tmr.. I believe all my stress are source from that, hopefully tmr onward I can rest with peace of mind... Good night world.. The med begin to work ady..

不是人

最讨厌这个时间。。。醒着就是无止境的煎熬。。。想念你也不是，不想念你也不是。。想念了，却又更自责了。。不想念你却又是不可能的。。自虐啊！！！理性和感性的战争。我夹在中间，里外不是人。。。我不是人。。