忘记微笑

原来微笑也是那么难的一件事。。。

最近开始越来越压力了。最明显的症状就是失眠。连续好几天失眠导致我身心疲惫，到最后情绪失控。。。一点点小事就足够让我崩溃。。每天都带着疲惫的脸，疲惫的身体，疲惫的精神。。。根本就笑不出来。回居銮到底是不是明智的选择? 回来了反而更压力，更慌张。。。

今天就跟camp的teammate吃饭，可是我觉得不知道是尴尬还是我没心情，就是没办法开心起来。。。吃饭就真的是吃饭。。都没什么说话。我觉得这样的meet up不如不要 meet更好。这样太尴尬了。。。

到了晚上去meeting，大家都没准备，我其实蛮气。没准备怎么开会？去浪费时间而已。。。 回来赶了一下programming，又是一头雾水。。。明天又meeting。。都不知道怎么办好。。。

累得我精神恍惚了。。想笑一个。。。

但却好难。。

如果这时候有人能跟我说说话该有多好。。。

或许我就不需要带着眼泪入眠

好不好就到此为止结束我无止境的煎熬？。。。我好想让你自由，也让我自由。。我想过的开心，过的自在。。绑着你，困住我，好痛苦。。。

我不想每当夜深人静时我又一次次被自责与愧疚淹没，压得我透不过气来。。。我伤害你那么深。。。
我该怎么饶恕我。。。。

我爱你，可是我却害了你。。。
耳边又回响起你的声音。。
央求我放过你。。

到何时
我才能放过我自己

为什么人总要等到失去了才来后悔？。。
当初人家费心费力的时候不把人家当一回事，
现在人家放弃了，现在想挽回又有什么用？。。

人啊～
就是不懂得珍惜。。

最近每晚都梦见你。。。
不知道你感冒了吗？

苦难

苦难让我看清现状。

若不是我又回去打工，错失了休息的机会，丧失了专心准备功课的时间，我怎么会落得现在的下场？丢脸是小事。看清我不所不会的才是大事。虽然题解错了，丢脸了，可是当下发现自己太自以为是，以为自己可以应付是大大的错误。大学如果是那么简单为什么要花那么多钱来学习？真的不该在这样堕落下去了。。first thing first. 学习才是最优先的。其他的丢抛下，都不该再占有我的时间。这个学期答应过自己的，对自己许下的承诺要尽力去完成。千万不要到最后才来后悔，一切已经无法挽回。

决心决心！觉悟啊！
再多一次这样的结果，我绝不轻饶。
为自己再奋斗一次。

I will be the man you want me to be...

I just saw this tag line on one of my fb friend's photo. Hmmmm..... Easy to say, difficult to do...

But I can never be the person you want me to be although I wish I can. Simply because I am not the person on your mind. Therefore there is no target for me to change to. And I do believe, you will see and fall for the true me instead of asking me to change into someone that I am not..

Someday I will find someone who really cherish and love me more than myself. The day will come. It is pointless to let my heart wander again.. And get hurt again... This time, I will b patience..

Life still go on with or without love.

this is how much i hate to be leader....

considerate please.... I seriously hate to do all these shit by myself since everyone is not giving a damn about the door tag, but please la!!! considerate!!! everyone is like super busy n i never seen them. i am also very busy de hor... i supposed to study and do my tutorial for elearning. yet i am stuck with this stupid door tag thingy... ok... dun want to help out then nvm, but COOPERATE LA!!!! when i ask for idea, dun wan. when i ask for basic info also no reply... what am i supposed to do then??? stalk them on fb? fug la.... i hate ppl do that to me now i need to do that to them??? damn angry sia.....

then i need to prepare all the materials by myself summore... where got so much time??? if tmr i do not have appointment with my TA, i dun mind, but i am busy leh.... FUG!!!! so many things to do and i am so far behind my studies... selfish sia..... i really wanna die liao....

leader is not good if leader is the only one who is pulling the weight.... CONSIDERATE PPL!!!

finally came back from camp... I have no regret~

was really a hectic and exciting camp. really challenging with all the height challenge, team work raft building and tons and tons of sharing sessions... challenging to not only physical strength, it challenge my mental and mind too... get to know a lots of friends, and i really had fun with people~ especially my buddy.. glad to know her~ a lots of trust had been practiced in this camp also... i really lay my life in her hand when doing the height challenge as well as the blindfold exercise. i still glad i did that. because trust is both way. i treasure sincere friendship very much actually..

although my body was giving me all kind of signal that i do not wish to go the camp, but thankful i went, actively participating and gave in everything i can. in the end this camp was really fruitful... i have learnt a lot. although i had learnt something similar to this before, but is good to learn the same thing from different perspective and different context. i'm glad i went.

i miss my dragonboat days.... rowing is really in my blood.... if i can manage my time well, i should go back to dragonboat. i am amazed by my rowing picture. db db....my awesome days....

i really hope someone will be there for me always.. no matter when or what happened.. this song is very comfy to my heart..

Give me a break

I need to face myself honestly. But i am too afraid to do so.. the truth under the mask is ugly. I knew it too well...

Just give me a break. I am too tired about all these. Hopefully tmr will b better. It should b... exhaustion make me more and more passive. I knew i should keep my mind open. I should...

Good night world... hopefully i did not miss any deadline today when i am away...

我多么希望是我想太多。。。

今天一整天都没空陪你，我真的很抱歉。我知道你不是刻意找我，但我心里其实还是开心的。今天真的太忙了。。才一个星期没电脑，我的进度就赶不上了。这个星期到我慌了。。好多事要做，可是时间却不够用。

本来还想用这个学期拉高我的cap。现在那么吃力，我真的慌。。力不从心的感觉。。。明天有lab。我很担心。。这个mod明明是我熟悉的，但我却很lost。都不知道该怎么办才好。。。好多事要做啊。。。。

刚才在厨房看着你的背影，我真的很内疚。真的想下去陪你打球，只是我真的走不开。。对不起~下次一定不失约。。

有或许。。。只是我想太多了。。

toasted

gosh.... today was really hectic day for me... was spending more than 12 hours on opengl to figure out those basic stuff....

what we learnt in poly is far not enuf to handle modules in NUS... this is so crazy yet true. we spend 3 years learning nothing but the very very basic of computer science.... now i regret much for not doing self study when i was in poly....

this is what i drew using opengl with just squares. since prof had limited our work in pure 2D, i cant even use the firework assignment for this. so ya... just simple stuff, yet burn at least 8 hours for me to produce this....

now i am so toasted and burned... my tutorial and lab tomorrow havent touch yet....
gosh.... HELL LIFE!!!!!!