Closure

I believe I am waiting for a closure... 

My heart still chipped a piece. Athough I know we are no going to be together anymore.. Yet part of my heart still wishing you would come back to me.... 

I need a closure.

I am very glad that you have the interest to be friend with me again. You were once my one and only soul mate who understand me so much which took so much pain away from me... I really cherish those times... I wish it could happen again in future. But with a totally different title. This time round, I want to be your best friend instead. 

Face the reality and move on. 

Let't make it happen. 

I believe there will be pure friendship between you and me. 

This is the time.

Back to my normal life routine again.. Wake up, work, eat, shower, sleep.... Lifeless and boring....

Today is the first round of CORS.. I seriously underestimate the kiasu-ness of soc-ian.. I had place The maximum bid that i can afford, but still, I outbided by my peers... But I die die must get the module. May b I will put higher bid next time or just go to UG office to beg them squeeze me in~ lol...

But seriously... I can't believe that I can't get this mod since this mod is a 2000-level mod, it shouldn't be popular in sem 1... Gosh..... I really need to try harder next round. 

Anyway, today was quite bad at work. I work in the kitchen as expected. but i get scald by hot soup. Luckily I wore safety boot and long pants so it doesn't scald directly to bare skin. But it still hurts. Anyway, I am just a part timer. Can't claim anything also. Part timer are not secure by company policy. So ya... Is my luck.. 

First night in my own room is quite cozy.. I did sleep well last night~ my mattress is brand new, n I did make my room very clean. So I really enjoy the embience and atmosphere. Hopefully I can sleep well tonight too~ since I am very tired from work today... 

I knew you wun read my blog when you back at home, it's ok~ I can understand. Actually I take your visit here as a bonus, because I didn't expect you will read in the first place. So I am cool with this~ will see you soon. Real soon!

Finale

This is how it should end...

Today was a busy day. I had moved to my own room in pgp~ no longer need to hide and worry about spot check anymore~ but I kinda sad... I can't see you everynight anymore.... But I appreciate all the times we spent together. Sincerely appreciate. I glad that today you still willing to let me tag along n share with me all the interesting stories you experienced in your trip.. I feel bliss~ and this is how simple happiness can be~~ there is nothing else I need~ this is a good finale to me... All the good times might end here, but i have absolutely no regret. I did everything I can offer, and I enjoyed spending my time with you. If this is the end, I am contented.

If possible, I still hope there will be more happiness in the future.

And I believe, there will be...

Thank you for everything you did for my pleasant six weeks of stay~

Ready

In a few more hours time u will be here... How will it going to be?.. 

I am ready to face any consequences... 

Stop and stay? Or flee and run?...

I am ready..

I had clear the room. The sadness surrounded me.. Again.. 

Is this the beginning or is the end?.

Tonight will be the final night of staying in 05-26... 

Will be the final chance of living with you...

No matter how it going to be, I never regret.

I will stay by your side, no matter you like me or not.

It doesn't matter at all. 

I don't need anything at all.

Because stay by your side is everything that I ever wanted..

I am ready.

Finally... I am still survive... 

I was so dead today... I dun remember what did I ate last night nor drink any weird stuff... I've been having diarrhea since last night... Today is worst... I am runner... after the first half of the lunch peak hour, i am in serious dehydrated and trembling... Almost faint in the kitchen.. Luckily the chef help us in the night, so it is not so bad.. I still survive thru the day... Hopefully tmr I will be able to keep this spirit high and survive thru... 6th day of my 10 full shift. How strong my body can hang in there?.. I really wish I can be as strong as how u view me as..

Last night yingsze find me on fb and v had a short chat.. I am still shock and couldn't believe this is actually true. It has been some time since the last fime v in contact. May b is last year before sem 1?. And every time when I want to meet her is always difficult. Cz she always decline my offer. Until now i am still confused and dunno what to do.... It's so complicated now.... 

Formula of happiness

Because this is how easy happiness can be~

I am very happy~ thinking of you put on happiness on my face. Although there are so many problems and stress everyday, I always find it relief and happy when I thought of you.. 

I dun need any superficial title nor action from you. I am satisfy with our current situation. Friends or more than friends or whatever~ it doesn't matters~ as long as I can still feel the happiness with you, I have nothing else to ask. 

I find happiness in you. I found peace in yingsze. I found wisdom in Bree. I found confidence in yingru.

It's in totally diff context. If u can get what I mean. 

Anyway, I am glad that I met so many ppl who gave me so many support( in various way)  in my journey of life~ both sweet and bitter... Laugh and tears... 

All of these are the power that lead to this "Me" now.

with this I praise my Lord.

The formula of happiness, is to appreciate everything I am having now. 

I am so happy~~~~

Worry

I had a rough night last night.... Went to cousin's place is not a smart choice... I think my body had got used to your bed already, I barely got any sleep last night... Was "frying fish" whole night and so many things were occupied my mind.... unable to get any rest without the aid of medicine. may b I am worry about CORS too... My mistake for missed the modules pre-allocate exercise, so now I have to bid for all the modules.. Worry about unable to get the module I want.. Worry about the accommodation of my sis's friend by end aug... Worry about the room door replacement.. When I finally fell asleep, my alarm rang... 3 more days to go... I can do it!

I've been physco ppl to buy Starbucks 1 for 1 since yesterday. I drank dark mocha with white chocolate pudding and today had the matcha with white chocolate pudding. Ok la~~ I still prefer peppermint mocha during Christmas. But this 1 for 1 thingy always remind me of the study week period we spent tgt... The feeling had flooded me and I can't escape... I'm missing you so much....

How would you face me when u come back? 

Prepare to flee again?...

It has been 8 days after u left... How have u been? 

je suis mort de fatigue

.....

I am too tired to talk about anything now....

Insomnia and work life...

Drained my happiness away....

 原来牛奶喝多了会肚子痛。。。

刚才晚餐喝了一支800ml的牛奶，现在泻到我两腿发软。。。

下次便秘的时候就该买一大只牛奶来当水喝。。。

星期天就只要这样〜

逛街，买东西，休息，吃自己想吃的〜

可是钱包就破很大个洞咯〜〜〜〜

反正我今天过得很愉快〜

晚安啦

hmmmm..... i think... today is really not my day...

i kinda looking forward to my 10-3 half day off actually... because i had a tough week. i had worked 5 days 10-10.30 for 5 days.. so i am quite worn out actually... and i am so glad that when i off from work, i still can see the sun. usually i don't see the sun anymore after work.

today was really quite busy... i really tired of this job already... everyday repeating the same thing again and again... faced so many customers... nvm... is ok~ 2 more weeks i am going home and will go somewhere to get a short getaway. n i did not sleep well last night... having cramp all over the body.... haiz... overwork myself again.... = ="

went out to walk walk but cant find the shirt i am looking for. then rush to cousin's place to get change and put down my stuff.. then rush to sher's place for the party... really exhausted me... kinda made myself even more tired than working.....

wasn't in good mood also.... something had troubles me... i cant name it... just... depress...

i knew you hate chatting with me. especially when ppl are ard.. i know... just that...
i think i just knew you too well which make me hate myself to annoy you..

having crush on you isn't easy...

well... i knew you are not waiting for me, but can i just assume that you are actually waiting to make myself feels better? xD

i really happy to chat with you again~
although that was just a few min, i think this is already more than enough~
i am too happy now and i dunno how to express my feeling~
i just feel bliss~
i knew how tired you are yet you still spent some of your time with me, i really appreciate~

幸福本来就是很简单的一件事～

i should be able to sleep well tonight ^^

I miss you like crazy... 

What am I doing at his hour?...

What the hell is going on with me?..

I should be sleeping now actually...

I am Looking at your photo n wish so much you are here instead.... 

Gosh....

I need to get you out of my mind in the night...

I am so lost.

Idiot

I find myself so idiotic to stalk your whereabouts like stalker... 

Kept looking for your updates and photos like an idiot.. 

I really can't tahan myself anymore!

If I kept doing this, I might really end up crazy even before you come back. 

Instead of making myself so uncomfortable, 

I should use this chance to polish up my self esteem. 

i should cherish myself more and make myself happy. 

My happiness shouldn't depending on others, 

even you shouldn't in charged of my emotion. 

Yeap. I should do this. 

I want to be the safe haven that you can rely on. 

I can and I will. 

No matter what kind of relationship we are,

Someday, I definitely will be.

So now, stop all the stupid acts and behave like a grown up.

emptiness

this room is so empty without you...
empty room, empty soul...

insomnia haunt me down again...
is it because or the bed? or because of you?

let it go....
i shouldn't think about this anymore...

还好我没有冲动的一把抱住你
不然后果真的不堪设想。。。

Re-post from Sharing

她说：“每一次难过时就会想起你，就只有你对我最好。”

他说：“是啊，就只有我那么傻，才会对你那么好。”

她说：“你不要这样说好不好。”

他说：“那你知不知道我有多爱你？”

她说：“我知道啊，我也很爱你，但是我们不可能的啦。”

他说：“如果有一天，我爱上其他人，你会吃醋吗？”

她说：“我倒是希望你能爱上别人，可惜不太现实。”

他说：“那我就永远都对你那么好吧。”

她说：“我爱你。”

他说：“你想通了？”

她说：“我说我爱你，没说要和你在一起，我很自私，我希望爱我的人永远都爱我。这么说吧，其实我是不想失去你，但我又不想伤害你，我确实有点喜欢你，但你真的不是我要的那一个。”

他说：“这些我都知道，明知道自己永远只是配角，却不甘愿离开影棚。”

她说：“那你为什么还那么傻？我真的不是一个好女人，否则我也不会让你守在我身边那么久，我应该放开你的，你要的，我永远都给不起。”

他说：“每一个不愿意离开的人，其实都在等着离开，等一个死心的理由。”

她说：“那我是不是应该离开你。”

他说：“不是，但如果哪一天，你真的幸福了，就是我离开的时候了。”

慕康随笔～

心情

才刚刚送走你，我就开始想念你了。。

我到底是用什么心情送你。。我自己也不知道。。
希望你玩得开心～但却惋惜相处的时间结束了。。。

虽然我们相处的日子不久，但是也有至少一个月了。。。
虽然我们不常聊天，但每天回来都见得到你，早上睁开眼看得见你，
有时还会被你叫醒，虽然这些只是普通的生活，我也已经满足。

好不容易，今天你终于能直视我的眼睛不闪躲，我也终于能帮上你的忙。。
但这短暂的幸福，就这样结束了。。

从今天开始我一个人睡在空荡荡的房间，到处都是你的影子的房间。
两个礼拜后你回来，我们也都搬到各自的房间了。

就像两条线，短暂的交叠在一起，过后又重新走回平行的方向。。

内心的挣扎。。
希望你终有一天会发现我，靠近我，但却不想让你承受多余的压力。。
明明知道不可能，但还是暗暗希望会有奇迹发生。
就算只是一分钟都好。。
都已足够。

今晚。。
或许真的会是想你的夜。。。

昨天你突然间把我吓到了。看着你慌张，我也不知所措。。

我心里只有一个念头，一定要看你安心睡着我才能放心。

所以整个晚上其实都没什么睡。

时不时睁开眼睛看看你是不是睡着了，还是还在打电话。。

时不时起来看看机票有没有Change status..

担心你半夜做噩梦，还是偷偷起来哭什么的。。

当你问我可不可以借你钱offset ticket balance, 我想都没想直接答应了。

并不是因为我很有钱，搞不好我的银行里也只有这个数目而已，但我真的愿意马上拿出来替你解决。

剩下的再打算。只要你现在是安心的，其他的不需要担心。

你说得对，若钱可以解决的，就不是什么大问题。

钱没有了，还可以再赚。

时间和快乐错过了，就找不回来了。

所以，没有什么比让你开心更重要。

只要你需要我，我随时stand by.

Will you give me a chance....

Do I have a chance?...

To be more than a friend to you?...

Will you say "what do you want?" again to me?...

Seriously, I do not want anything. I just want to be with you. As long as I can stay by your side, I dun mind to be anyone or anything. I dun dare to ask you to like me just the way I am. I dun even dare to think you will treat me more than friends. 

I just wish to be with you.. 

冷却

冷静一天后，我更不知道该怎么面对。。。

在36小时后你就离开了，我该住下来还是去阿娟家。。。

是我小气吗？还是我脸皮薄。。。总觉得不好意思打扰。

不管还有没有感觉，我还是觉得很不好意思。。

我该用什么心情送你。。。。

Tenant

What do u want?.... U want me to be real and sincere or faking myself in front of you? So tell me what do you really want?

I am frustrated and angry.. Some disappointment too... I thought I can be who I am and be real in front you you. At least I do feel at home while staying with you in the past few weeks... But now I realized, all the plesant stay are building on your pain...  I am causing so much trouble to you and even irritate you... I felt shame. You should tell me earlier then I will seal my mouth and pretend I am iron man that doesn't need to rest. I am really disappointed because I thought u knew me well.. Well... This may be just my imagination.... You dun even know i am weak in nature. You dun even know i have sinus and running nose everyday. You dun even know how tiring my work is and yet.... You are accusing me of not taking good care of myself. I have no defense for myself.... What can I say ? I am staying with you. You can see how I took care of myself isn't it? What's the use of taking all the medicine everyday? Why am I sleeping so early everyday? For wat? Because I like to eat medicine?? Or because I am practicing healthy lifestyle?

 I am exhausted from work, jeez!! 

 I don't work 10-10.30 in the past because it is very very burden to my body. Although is just 1.5hour more than usual, but I need to wake up at least 3 hours before my usual time. When working hour is longer than the time for rest, it is like overclock my body, forcing it to work over time everyday intensively.. Even the full timer do not work 10-10.30 everyday for a week. Because this is too insane.. We are not made of iron, we are human too.... Yeah... U wun notice I am more shag and shag everyday because I am just nobody here.

Have you ever wonder why I am still sick since haze period until today? Is because I have insufficient rest... Who the hell will love to get sick anyway? I feel miserable now. Especially when my body is aching like hell, menses, sinus and fever. What do you want me to do? I can't think of other alternative other than taking a good rest at home... I wun say a word anymore regarding my work since all this is just negative energy to you. 

Cut the line clear now, it will be better for me and for you.

In the end...

 I am just a tenant to you... 

总有一天

今天大头跟她女朋友又闹分手。。 Jeslyn说大头管太多了，搞得她自己好像犯人。我只说，我不想知道详情，我也当做没听到。因为他们三天一小吵，五天一大吵，越吵越恩爱。我真的懒得管那么多。。而且我不想夹在中间左右为难，无论说谁错都不对。

其实，在一起并不是为了互相牵制。是为了在一起自在的感觉。如果在一起那么痛苦，一开始何必在一起？为了一段不可能有结果的感情，搞得两个人都辛苦，到底为了什么？

我不求你对我有任何表达或感情。我甚至不要你的喜欢。就像你现在这样对我，对我来说已经很奢侈了。。。至少现在面对你，我不需要逃避你的眼神。。总有一天你也能看着我的眼睛不闪躲。。。总有一天。。。

Sista

I understand my position... You will never take me for real.

Zillion times I asked myself, what do I want? The question u asked me 1 year ago... 

What do I want if we were together and what's next? Am I expecting you to fall in love with me and end up breaking up with broken heart? When I already knew this is a tough and never gonna have good ending road from the beginning... Do I really wan you to go down this path with me? You told me you will never disappointed your mum again. And i do know there are ppl who still waiting for you and courting you... I will not stand in your way for this. We will never able to get together. I should let you go and put this down. Move forward. 

I really wish I can face you with absolutely no feeling at all. Really wish... But not now.. I still can't.. Although I knew I had chosen you over myself, I should hide or even eliminate this feeling...

I do not know what do you want... Where should I stand? And what am I to you.... I am confused....

May be someday in the future I can really treat you as my sista.. Since we been thru so much together.... but only When this feeling had gone forever...

我不想喜欢你

我把自己折磨得好累。。。

明知道你对我不曾有意思，

但还是一头栽下去。

自作多情，

搞得自己里外不是人。。

我不想喜欢你，

但是我却做不到。。

最终，我还是选择了你。。。
你的否定好坚决

在你拒绝的眼神里，我知道我的举动吓坏了你。
虽然只是微不足道的娃娃
你仍旧拒绝了。

我还有什么立足之地。。。
我无言与对

我选择了你，放弃了自己。
今后，对你的一切感情，我都放弃。