1 small step at a time.. someday i will succeed.
was toasted by sch workload until i am really dried today. too many assignments all due this week. it just the 3 week of sch n i am so stressful. really make me feels so scared about waking up in the morning..
i think i didn't sleep well since last monday... i woke up at 3 or 4 every day n i so scared that i couldn't fall back to sleep..
anyway, i am happy today~ i get to know new people today. new classmate~ n i am happy not only because she get to know her, is because she compliment me~ she say she spotted me since last semester coz i looks like one of her friends^^ i'm happy~~~ n today i get to know my project team member. 1 of them is angmor~ lol... but not handsome la..
so dead... i really need to sleep....
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
口是心非并不容易。。
it had been quite a few days since the last post... was really quite busy recently. last week got the heart attack by the timetable n out of sudden, i got a coding assignment to submit in 3 days time after i got the new timetable. fml.. then a lot of things need to adjust because of the new module. i gave my working schedule beforehand, then i dun work until sat, so when i go to work, they already printed the schedule. so is like i aeroplane them n made them shortage of man power. haiz... i dun feel good about aeroplane ppl de..
then was working until i almost die.. too busy coz tat day a lot of ppl mc. then super busy.. n yusheng~~ i like sst's yusheng. the combi very nice. but i hate it when the customers order it. coz it will get really messy. anyway, i still like to eat it. just the pickles n veggie. i dun eat raw~ LOL...
today i finally heard the library closing announcement liao~~~ been 3 weeks, n this is the first day i stay until 10 in sch. i supposed to do it since day 1, but i was too occupied by working. haiz... damn financial thingy. if not i dun need to suffer so much...
when i doing my checklist for this week, i almost faint.. everyday got something due... week 3 is like a total nightmare... n i'm so occupied with work again... totally got no mood for CNY actually.. din even have chance to buy clothes also. this year i dun even have time to meet anyone.. i want to visit baofong n yingsze. but i havent make appointment with them.. haiz... bz la...
then i dunno what's going on, n i am in the middle of these 2 kids. *facepalm... i dun want to get involve la.... it hurts... i'm not ready to talk about relationship, so dun ask me for suggestion or comments... i still havent recover from the wound... it's not easy.. coz i did put in my whole heart....
it had been quite a few days since the last post... was really quite busy recently. last week got the heart attack by the timetable n out of sudden, i got a coding assignment to submit in 3 days time after i got the new timetable. fml.. then a lot of things need to adjust because of the new module. i gave my working schedule beforehand, then i dun work until sat, so when i go to work, they already printed the schedule. so is like i aeroplane them n made them shortage of man power. haiz... i dun feel good about aeroplane ppl de..
then was working until i almost die.. too busy coz tat day a lot of ppl mc. then super busy.. n yusheng~~ i like sst's yusheng. the combi very nice. but i hate it when the customers order it. coz it will get really messy. anyway, i still like to eat it. just the pickles n veggie. i dun eat raw~ LOL...
today i finally heard the library closing announcement liao~~~ been 3 weeks, n this is the first day i stay until 10 in sch. i supposed to do it since day 1, but i was too occupied by working. haiz... damn financial thingy. if not i dun need to suffer so much...
when i doing my checklist for this week, i almost faint.. everyday got something due... week 3 is like a total nightmare... n i'm so occupied with work again... totally got no mood for CNY actually.. din even have chance to buy clothes also. this year i dun even have time to meet anyone.. i want to visit baofong n yingsze. but i havent make appointment with them.. haiz... bz la...
then i dunno what's going on, n i am in the middle of these 2 kids. *facepalm... i dun want to get involve la.... it hurts... i'm not ready to talk about relationship, so dun ask me for suggestion or comments... i still havent recover from the wound... it's not easy.. coz i did put in my whole heart....
Sunday, January 27, 2013
这一生中，我只爱过两个人。就是他和她。
如果我真的有遗憾，那遗憾就是你。
我们本来真的可能有一辈子的。真的。因为当初的我是真的真心喜欢着他。但因为他的不果断，我们都错过了。虽然暧昧是恋爱里最甜蜜的阶段，但是暧昧太久会让人很失望。。我想，他可能是让我对男生彻底失望的导火线。。
三年。
那三年又甜蜜又痛苦的暧昧。。甜蜜是因为彼此都知道彼此在对方心上有重量，痛苦是那秣陵两可，进退两难的关系。正所谓“友达以上，恋人未满。”最令我失望的是他对我的满不在乎。
我对这段遗憾作出的第一个反击就是彻底改变我的思考模式。反向思考。从前都是用女生的角度来思考，而此刻，我问我自己，如果我是他，我会怎么想，我会怎么做。如果我是女生，我会希望他怎么对我。而我也照着我的想法来实现我的行为。彻彻底底让自己转变成男生的思考模式。每次思考，都会有两个声音出现，会有两个自己。让我一度以为我有精神分裂。但却也因为这样，造就了我bi的身份。
如果不是她那微不足道的关怀，我不会如此的无法自拔。。
我和她，一切开始于一根蛋卷。如果没有那年的那天，没有那根蛋卷，没有与她的相遇，没有安排我们做partner，没有她的单纯，也没有我无意的玩笑，一切根本就不会开始。就因为我那随便一句，你喂我。。。
可能是因为他的关系，我把我所有的遗憾，所有的期待都付诸实际的行动，全部实现在她身上。。。没有拖泥带水，没有多余的暧昧。我追了她差不多整整一年多，好不容易终于要在一起了。他竟然在这个时候回来表白，介入了我和她。甚至威逼她成全。她突然离开，我痛不欲生。。可能是寂寞也或许是太痛苦，我竟然接受了他。虽然名分上是情侣，但是我心里却装不下他。满满的都是她。。特别是当我知道了真相，我根本就无法再面对他。分手，受伤的不是被甩的那个而已。。而那次，我们三个人都痛。。接下来的一年是我一辈子里最幸福的一年。。同时也成了我一辈子的痛。。一想起那段回不去的时光，我总是无法呼吸，说不出的痛。。
而如今 ，她还单身，但却已经不记得这一切了。。。而他也已经有了论及婚嫁的女朋友。对大家来说，一切都已经过去。。或许只有我一个人还拥有这段记忆。。
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
i never thought i would get a suicide module so soon at NUS.... omg...
yesterday was really a horrible day for me.. firstly i had forgotten that i have 10am lesson, so i woke up ard 9.20am, and i was shocked when i check my timetable. rushed to sch without having the chance to check my email. then was as usual the long thursday for me. ard 4pm i received a call from SOC UG office, informing that i didn't fulfill the minimum requirement for 1 semester studies. I require to take immediate actions to prevent from retaining. i was like... wth..... other than shock and panic, i do not know what to do. i am in the lecture. couldn't run out to computer lab or anything. didn't bring my laptop with me also. my tab is almost die n the stupid tab kept disconnect from NUS wifi when i was urgently contacting UG office via email n busy mapping the modules with my timetable using CORS. Totally disappointed with android. sux ttm. I was so angry that i wanted to change to ipad immediately. so i went to see the price and all the bundle deal.. i kick a big fuss in my family whatsapp group also. i am too impulse. i know i made them felt guilty when i did that...
i was so exhausted after UG emailed me that the module had allocated to me, i just need to wait for the result of the tutorial. at the mean while, i start to think about how to get the ipad. then i started to do my budget list. n i use 4 hours to sort out the minimum amount i need per month to keep me alive. minimum only... it still require me to work at least 6 days a month. that's a lot actually. i didn't plan to work during sch term actually. but i really left with no choice. n i still can see the red figures if any of the month i didn't work at least 6 days. was thinking probably i can use the extra money i get from my salary to get the ipad, but who knows, after i sorted out, i couldn't get anything because i need to covers the expenses of next month. really tough. serious financial problem goings on here.. n i will not get any bursaries this semester because it went straight into the sch fees. so i think i am helpless at this point. but will still survive thru with this few tonnes of financial burden. fml. I couldn't go home anymore for the next few month too... was planning to go home on 1 feb, now i cant even go back coz of the finance thingy. seriously. FML
insomnia... what a great friend of mine...
the worst is i couldn't sleep at all.. i went to bed at 1am, n i realized i didn't get any rest when i check my watch at 5am. friday is also quite heavy for me. 10-6 with my new timetable. since i couldn't get any sleep, i decide to catch up a little bit since i missed the lecture for this software engineering module. I stunned again. this is a hectic software engineering module with team project, programming exercise n exam. this is really very heavy for my situation where i really need to get A for my math. This almost gave me a immediate dead sentences. I know i couldn't cope with this module if i want to score A for math at the same time self sustaining by working 6 days a month. no way. because in order for me to work 6 days a month, i need to sacrifies 2 days of my study time for it. it gave me a shiver when i read the course description. the other bad news is i had missed the tutorial in which i did not get any team now. who will want a freshman in their team since this decision will affect their grade? i am quite helpless now. i dunno what's waiting for me today...
i think some times in this semester i might really need to meet counsellor, the real counsellor, for help. this is too much for me to bear... especially when i dun have anyone out there who willing to say "i have your back" anymore...
blame myself. karma had come..
yesterday was really a horrible day for me.. firstly i had forgotten that i have 10am lesson, so i woke up ard 9.20am, and i was shocked when i check my timetable. rushed to sch without having the chance to check my email. then was as usual the long thursday for me. ard 4pm i received a call from SOC UG office, informing that i didn't fulfill the minimum requirement for 1 semester studies. I require to take immediate actions to prevent from retaining. i was like... wth..... other than shock and panic, i do not know what to do. i am in the lecture. couldn't run out to computer lab or anything. didn't bring my laptop with me also. my tab is almost die n the stupid tab kept disconnect from NUS wifi when i was urgently contacting UG office via email n busy mapping the modules with my timetable using CORS. Totally disappointed with android. sux ttm. I was so angry that i wanted to change to ipad immediately. so i went to see the price and all the bundle deal.. i kick a big fuss in my family whatsapp group also. i am too impulse. i know i made them felt guilty when i did that...
i was so exhausted after UG emailed me that the module had allocated to me, i just need to wait for the result of the tutorial. at the mean while, i start to think about how to get the ipad. then i started to do my budget list. n i use 4 hours to sort out the minimum amount i need per month to keep me alive. minimum only... it still require me to work at least 6 days a month. that's a lot actually. i didn't plan to work during sch term actually. but i really left with no choice. n i still can see the red figures if any of the month i didn't work at least 6 days. was thinking probably i can use the extra money i get from my salary to get the ipad, but who knows, after i sorted out, i couldn't get anything because i need to covers the expenses of next month. really tough. serious financial problem goings on here.. n i will not get any bursaries this semester because it went straight into the sch fees. so i think i am helpless at this point. but will still survive thru with this few tonnes of financial burden. fml. I couldn't go home anymore for the next few month too... was planning to go home on 1 feb, now i cant even go back coz of the finance thingy. seriously. FML
insomnia... what a great friend of mine...
the worst is i couldn't sleep at all.. i went to bed at 1am, n i realized i didn't get any rest when i check my watch at 5am. friday is also quite heavy for me. 10-6 with my new timetable. since i couldn't get any sleep, i decide to catch up a little bit since i missed the lecture for this software engineering module. I stunned again. this is a hectic software engineering module with team project, programming exercise n exam. this is really very heavy for my situation where i really need to get A for my math. This almost gave me a immediate dead sentences. I know i couldn't cope with this module if i want to score A for math at the same time self sustaining by working 6 days a month. no way. because in order for me to work 6 days a month, i need to sacrifies 2 days of my study time for it. it gave me a shiver when i read the course description. the other bad news is i had missed the tutorial in which i did not get any team now. who will want a freshman in their team since this decision will affect their grade? i am quite helpless now. i dunno what's waiting for me today...
i think some times in this semester i might really need to meet counsellor, the real counsellor, for help. this is too much for me to bear... especially when i dun have anyone out there who willing to say "i have your back" anymore...
blame myself. karma had come..
Thursday, January 24, 2013
today is really tough fight day.. last night was fighting with insomnia until quite late even though i had taken my pills which will cause drowsiness, but still couldn't defeat insomnia...
today i woke up with serious panda eyes, n i couldn't open my eyes... coz of the side effects of the pills... but i still went to work. n i lost all my appetite..
i am pissed. i never work host until so pissed. not because i'm tired or , but i am pissed because the coordination between me n my partner is damn poor. i speak, she also speak. i couldn't hear what she say, she cant hear what i say. really damn jialat. then she pissed at me, i also pissed at her. i can never never be nice to her. she is a true hypocrite. she show fierce and angry faces at me, then afterward when infront others, she can even joke with me? i hate it!
i so tired... my neck so pain...
today i woke up with serious panda eyes, n i couldn't open my eyes... coz of the side effects of the pills... but i still went to work. n i lost all my appetite..
i am pissed. i never work host until so pissed. not because i'm tired or , but i am pissed because the coordination between me n my partner is damn poor. i speak, she also speak. i couldn't hear what she say, she cant hear what i say. really damn jialat. then she pissed at me, i also pissed at her. i can never never be nice to her. she is a true hypocrite. she show fierce and angry faces at me, then afterward when infront others, she can even joke with me? i hate it!
i so tired... my neck so pain...
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
errrr..... i kind of regret much for giving my number away....
there is an uncle at sst who also malaysian. then 1 day when we was talking, he asked me for my number, then i din think much n just say my number.. then on monday i was studying at sch, he suddenly called my fon. i was shocked... din expect him to called. then he asked me about when i will work n so on.. = =" then today i went to work, he kept talking to me... omg.... what have i done???? idiot ttm.... T^T but i obviously dun like this old uncle n i think he got wife n kid ady... wth.... stop bugging on me....
then i fell down last night, so actually my knee is swollen, this morning is quite difficult to walk, but after i walk a lot today, not so bad ady... but still swell.. luckily i did went to work today, my colleague's last day in sst. i sad, but i din cry. coz i cried before for one of the trainee, n i know it is pointless. coz they dun rmb us. but i glad to work with her, she is a very nice person.
today also went for the data analysis lab. i am damn pissed. the tutor is a phd student i think. but he is damn arrogant and looked down on ppl. i really hate this kind of tutor. he is here to teach or to show off?? keep telling us he work in the industry before n this la that la... like he damn pro. please la.... i know u r pro, if not u wun be tutor right? dun need to repeat yourself every few second right?? then keep telling us do not ask him any question during lab before we know the answer. WTH... if we knew the answer ady, what for we ask question??? i really dun like this tutor. hopefully i wun get this irritating guy as my lab tutor. n i think this lab is totally a waste of my time. i didn't learnt any useful thing nor get a glimpse of idea on how to do the assignment coz he is boasting all the time.
then is the english lesson, whoa.... i think my english will fail... lol... today did the diagnostic test, then i couldn't answer all the question.... just simply circle any word in the sentences and i think i might get 0~ LOL.... all the while i knew my english is damn jialat. but i didn't know i am that bad.... lol.... really need to work hard this sem liao~
there is an uncle at sst who also malaysian. then 1 day when we was talking, he asked me for my number, then i din think much n just say my number.. then on monday i was studying at sch, he suddenly called my fon. i was shocked... din expect him to called. then he asked me about when i will work n so on.. = =" then today i went to work, he kept talking to me... omg.... what have i done???? idiot ttm.... T^T but i obviously dun like this old uncle n i think he got wife n kid ady... wth.... stop bugging on me....
then i fell down last night, so actually my knee is swollen, this morning is quite difficult to walk, but after i walk a lot today, not so bad ady... but still swell.. luckily i did went to work today, my colleague's last day in sst. i sad, but i din cry. coz i cried before for one of the trainee, n i know it is pointless. coz they dun rmb us. but i glad to work with her, she is a very nice person.
today also went for the data analysis lab. i am damn pissed. the tutor is a phd student i think. but he is damn arrogant and looked down on ppl. i really hate this kind of tutor. he is here to teach or to show off?? keep telling us he work in the industry before n this la that la... like he damn pro. please la.... i know u r pro, if not u wun be tutor right? dun need to repeat yourself every few second right?? then keep telling us do not ask him any question during lab before we know the answer. WTH... if we knew the answer ady, what for we ask question??? i really dun like this tutor. hopefully i wun get this irritating guy as my lab tutor. n i think this lab is totally a waste of my time. i didn't learnt any useful thing nor get a glimpse of idea on how to do the assignment coz he is boasting all the time.
then is the english lesson, whoa.... i think my english will fail... lol... today did the diagnostic test, then i couldn't answer all the question.... just simply circle any word in the sentences and i think i might get 0~ LOL.... all the while i knew my english is damn jialat. but i didn't know i am that bad.... lol.... really need to work hard this sem liao~
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
无端端的又吵架了。。
明明前一秒还在聊天。。下一秒气氛就突然间变了。。虽然也不算是真的吵架，但也搞得不欢而散。我不知道我为什么会生气，更不知道为什么你也生气了。我只是觉得。。。很伤。再问下去的话，我真的会哭。。我明明就告诉自己不要再去想了。不可以带着暧昧或关怀的语气。我也很努力了。。但结果往往不受我控制。。
你问我，我到底要什么？我不知道。。我想活下去。。可是我却活不了。。。一向来我的世界都围着别人转。。突然间没有了中心，我不知道怎么办。以前这样，现在也这样。。以前我是用很长的时间来麻痹自己。让忙碌拿走我的喜怒哀乐。。忙久了，就不记得了。。现在。。我不知道我需要多长的时间。。
小朋友一直在念我。是我自找的，我知道。不看不听不说不理就没事了。是我自己要看要听要说要理，怨不得别人。如果我真的想放下。这些根本就难不了我。
要改，就要下决心。
我交托。我放手。让上帝来动工。
明明前一秒还在聊天。。下一秒气氛就突然间变了。。虽然也不算是真的吵架，但也搞得不欢而散。我不知道我为什么会生气，更不知道为什么你也生气了。我只是觉得。。。很伤。再问下去的话，我真的会哭。。我明明就告诉自己不要再去想了。不可以带着暧昧或关怀的语气。我也很努力了。。但结果往往不受我控制。。
你问我，我到底要什么？我不知道。。我想活下去。。可是我却活不了。。。一向来我的世界都围着别人转。。突然间没有了中心，我不知道怎么办。以前这样，现在也这样。。以前我是用很长的时间来麻痹自己。让忙碌拿走我的喜怒哀乐。。忙久了，就不记得了。。现在。。我不知道我需要多长的时间。。
小朋友一直在念我。是我自找的，我知道。不看不听不说不理就没事了。是我自己要看要听要说要理，怨不得别人。如果我真的想放下。这些根本就难不了我。
要改，就要下决心。
我交托。我放手。让上帝来动工。
Saturday, January 19, 2013
i still couldn't see u straight into your eyes....
i know... i shouldn't feel this way...
but i still feel it... like a dagger stuck in the heart.....
i scared.... terrified...
this kind of helplessness.....
kind of regret much...
i really put myself in too much already...
should really stop thinking about u.....
so painful..
Friday, January 18, 2013
now i think about it, yeah.. u r right.
how to make me lost all the hope on someone? u said, just talk to the person, n u will realised each n every words u get are as cold as ice, emotionless. that's the prove.. n i know is the time to stop.
i didn't get insomnia last night.. i woke up at 5am, woke up at 6am, woke up at 7am, woke up at 8am, woke up at 9... kept hearing my alarm is ringing when it isn't. something wrong with my brain i think... too stressful for thurs. such a long day for me... non-stop lecture from 10-6. although in between there is 2 hours break today, but it will be gone by next week coz the lab n tutorial will fill in the gap. i am like superman, flying from SOC to Science, back to SOC and go Science again.. omg... is like from one end of NUS to the other end of NUS. to n forth... omg.... hell thursday... anyway, i could barely concentrate in the last 2 hours. my brain is suffocating... i think study is more tiring than working... the tiredness is not physical, is mentally... dying...
...... i think i might insomnia again.. tmr i gonna study at utown whole day.. i really hope it wouldn't be a awkward one... it's a long day... i really hope i am able to face u without fear....
how to make me lost all the hope on someone? u said, just talk to the person, n u will realised each n every words u get are as cold as ice, emotionless. that's the prove.. n i know is the time to stop.
i didn't get insomnia last night.. i woke up at 5am, woke up at 6am, woke up at 7am, woke up at 8am, woke up at 9... kept hearing my alarm is ringing when it isn't. something wrong with my brain i think... too stressful for thurs. such a long day for me... non-stop lecture from 10-6. although in between there is 2 hours break today, but it will be gone by next week coz the lab n tutorial will fill in the gap. i am like superman, flying from SOC to Science, back to SOC and go Science again.. omg... is like from one end of NUS to the other end of NUS. to n forth... omg.... hell thursday... anyway, i could barely concentrate in the last 2 hours. my brain is suffocating... i think study is more tiring than working... the tiredness is not physical, is mentally... dying...
...... i think i might insomnia again.. tmr i gonna study at utown whole day.. i really hope it wouldn't be a awkward one... it's a long day... i really hope i am able to face u without fear....
Thursday, January 17, 2013
it's not the same... i'm not comparing, but it just not the same...
the emptiness... it just couldn't be filled...
although u r there accompany me, u smile, u laugh, but it just not the same..
i'm sorry.. but i didn't feel any better... the hollowness is still the same..
i know... the person matters..
u are not the one..
i cant explain how this happened nor why i'm feeling this way...
when i was sitting at the road side, i felt so cold...
i was shivering.. not only because of the wind.. but the chill came from inside out...
i am lost... i dunno what to do...
what's holding me? what else is there for me to cherish? what's the point of hanging on?..
i cant see through the mist....
i am so lost.....
u took the centre of my world away from me & leave me with nothing...
what am i suppose to do now?...
who can tell me?...
the emptiness... it just couldn't be filled...
although u r there accompany me, u smile, u laugh, but it just not the same..
i'm sorry.. but i didn't feel any better... the hollowness is still the same..
i know... the person matters..
u are not the one..
i cant explain how this happened nor why i'm feeling this way...
when i was sitting at the road side, i felt so cold...
i was shivering.. not only because of the wind.. but the chill came from inside out...
i am lost... i dunno what to do...
what's holding me? what else is there for me to cherish? what's the point of hanging on?..
i cant see through the mist....
i am so lost.....
u took the centre of my world away from me & leave me with nothing...
what am i suppose to do now?...
who can tell me?...
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
what done cant be undone right?..
i'm a big idiot... how can i so dumb until i asked u to promise not to fall for me no matter how i treat u?
but i dun regret for this though.. i lost too many things... lost every single person that meant so much to me and i dun want to lost another person who still willing to lend a ear for me...
无论是喜欢我或者我喜欢的人都没有好结果。
i am too nice? being nice is my greatest weakness. my concern always turned out to be too burden. in the end, everyone avoiding me or treat me like air, like i was never exist in their life..
now i'm just somebody that u used to know...
i'm truly scared.... what if someday i really fall for u, u would definitely leave me just like everyone else did. i do not want it to happen, so i want to ensure u will never fall for me, then i wun even have the chance to misunderstand anything even fall for u. i know u will try ur best to restrain me, right?
i have very low self esteem. mainly because i been curse and reprimand myself every single day.. such a person like me, do not deserved to be treated evenly like everyone else. i'm a jerk who ruin other's life. this is me. such despicable me... i myself dun even appreciate my own existence, who else i can wish for?..
no one..
there is no one for me when i need them most....
i'm a big idiot... how can i so dumb until i asked u to promise not to fall for me no matter how i treat u?
but i dun regret for this though.. i lost too many things... lost every single person that meant so much to me and i dun want to lost another person who still willing to lend a ear for me...
无论是喜欢我或者我喜欢的人都没有好结果。
i am too nice? being nice is my greatest weakness. my concern always turned out to be too burden. in the end, everyone avoiding me or treat me like air, like i was never exist in their life..
now i'm just somebody that u used to know...
i'm truly scared.... what if someday i really fall for u, u would definitely leave me just like everyone else did. i do not want it to happen, so i want to ensure u will never fall for me, then i wun even have the chance to misunderstand anything even fall for u. i know u will try ur best to restrain me, right?
i have very low self esteem. mainly because i been curse and reprimand myself every single day.. such a person like me, do not deserved to be treated evenly like everyone else. i'm a jerk who ruin other's life. this is me. such despicable me... i myself dun even appreciate my own existence, who else i can wish for?..
no one..
there is no one for me when i need them most....
Monday, January 14, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
why do i even care?.... when u dun even care about it...
想太多只会让心更痛。。
i let work occupied my mind. i let tiredness conquer my body. i removed my ring. hope out from my sight will out from my mind. i do everything i could to prevent my heart thinking about it.. i did.. but when i am alone, when my mind is not occupied, i couldn't stop thinking...
it's so empty inside.... hollow... i'm tired....
喜欢别人好累。。。
Friday, January 11, 2013
hmmmm... cooling down huh?? am i cool now?
not so sure thought... today was really a rest day for me. i wake up ard 11.45 and started to read manga, then i got a call from vivo. man... i cancelled my schedule ady, but they just lazy to cross it. so sam thought i 放飞机... actually i was pissed and sick yesterday, so i dun want to go working today. today was feeling better ady so tmr should be able to go back to work. hope i am not runner. i dun want to be the trigger between kitchen and service again..
today i also thought a lot... seriously... i dunno... i am so scared... i dun want to make wrong decision that will regret myself... should i go the camp? i dunno....
i realize i havent get rid of the habit... kept looking at the fon although i know nothing will be there...
no point wasting my time....
i cant denied... i hurt so bad...
not so sure thought... today was really a rest day for me. i wake up ard 11.45 and started to read manga, then i got a call from vivo. man... i cancelled my schedule ady, but they just lazy to cross it. so sam thought i 放飞机... actually i was pissed and sick yesterday, so i dun want to go working today. today was feeling better ady so tmr should be able to go back to work. hope i am not runner. i dun want to be the trigger between kitchen and service again..
today i also thought a lot... seriously... i dunno... i am so scared... i dun want to make wrong decision that will regret myself... should i go the camp? i dunno....
i realize i havent get rid of the habit... kept looking at the fon although i know nothing will be there...
no point wasting my time....
i cant denied... i hurt so bad...
what's the point?....
i could sense this is coming.. not because of deja-vu. but i could sense from your 语气. i knew.. i knew from the start... my care is too burden.. i knew... so i wun care anymore. that's it. as your wish. i will step back.
i was wrong and i am wrong, and definitely i will be wrong.
what's the point..... i dun see the point of staying anymore.... since i am nobody to anyone, i dun see the point of continuing the effort..
i was alone, and i am alive. now i am back to alone, i believe i will still survive thru..
委屈求全不是我的专长。既然我不被需要，我没有必要让别人践踏我的尊严。
i could sense this is coming.. not because of deja-vu. but i could sense from your 语气. i knew.. i knew from the start... my care is too burden.. i knew... so i wun care anymore. that's it. as your wish. i will step back.
i was wrong and i am wrong, and definitely i will be wrong.
what's the point..... i dun see the point of staying anymore.... since i am nobody to anyone, i dun see the point of continuing the effort..
i was alone, and i am alive. now i am back to alone, i believe i will still survive thru..
委屈求全不是我的专长。既然我不被需要，我没有必要让别人践踏我的尊严。
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
i rather not to know this news... this is so depressing... at first i was really thought u r jk, but now i hear it from u second time, i know u r serious. u r leaving...
when u first told me, v were nt close yet. i still treat u like newbies. not really care. coz newbies come n go, 不值得留意。n there are so many newbies summore... then after that i also dunno why v r close. coz v both get scolded by jane before?? hmm... anyway, i only treat a few of u guys nicer than the rest coz u guys cause me less troubles, 不用我收拾残局～～i very 现实的～～～
although u always make me angry. n i did angry. not fake de. but i find myself couldnt really angry at u . i think u also realise. the morning i am angry, but at night i am fine. dun ask me why..
Saturday, January 5, 2013
now i really understand what is 好心被雷劈。。
i was worry about this xiao peng you. i thought she was moody because of the code thingy. who knows is because of relationship?? anyway... in order to solve her code thingy misunderstanding with the management, i went to talk to chew yet. then after it's finally settle, this xiao peng you told me she is not interested in using her own code. wth... why am i went thru all the troubles for nothing? then she keep asking about the rumour la, who la... is that really important? all the troubles la, misunderstanding la, rumour la already settle wat... and it's false rumour. i already clarify it and there is no misunderstanding liao... yet she still upset. = =" 我真的是服了。。 language barrier... i dunno what to say.... 我只是不想小事变大事。大化小不是很好吗？am i angry? yes, i am. put urself in my shoe and think. 我不是太得空才那么鸡婆。i dun like and dun wish to sabo other's friendship or whatever ship. if u want to 追究下去，dun drag me into it. 我不想淌这股浑水。leave me out from this.
i was not in good condition. woke up ard 6am because of a weird dream. i couldn't remember what had happening in the dream, but it was damn weird. i was shivering when i woke up. not because i am cold, is because i am scared. but that's not a nightmare. i know something must be happened in the dream that make me scared. i could feel my uneasiness...
then when i was ironing my uniform n i suddenly realised today is the window for my round of CORS. the vacancy so little and i cant afford to miss it coz it affects too many things... and it did. = =" i was vex and i was about to late for work. damn... n i really almost late. fffffff.... during the time i ate my breakfast, i was about to vomit coz i was late and i was really like forcing myself to finish the food when i really got no appetite to eat.
i am like lost soul today also... cant focus... may b because of the dream and CORS, too many things occupied my mind. n work with guri summore... make it even worst. night time is quite busy... and i was walking too fast and i knee on the stairs when i fell down. at first i still able to walk fast, then when time goes by, i can feel the pain getting more n more painful... until the end of the day, i can only walk slowly and limping. i hope the swell can goes down a bit tmr. really hope i can still walk tmr. coz from my past experience, i could barely walk the next day i fell down. cross my finger and pray hard...
today after break, i thought i lost my ring.. i panic a while.. then i think, is it a sign to get new ring? lol... but after like 5 min, i found it in my apron coz before break i was washing something, i scared it slips, so i took it off. lol.... super bad memory... but hor~~ i think i should get a new ring, this ring is too loose for my hand ady... i lost quite some weight actually....
i was worry about this xiao peng you. i thought she was moody because of the code thingy. who knows is because of relationship?? anyway... in order to solve her code thingy misunderstanding with the management, i went to talk to chew yet. then after it's finally settle, this xiao peng you told me she is not interested in using her own code. wth... why am i went thru all the troubles for nothing? then she keep asking about the rumour la, who la... is that really important? all the troubles la, misunderstanding la, rumour la already settle wat... and it's false rumour. i already clarify it and there is no misunderstanding liao... yet she still upset. = =" 我真的是服了。。 language barrier... i dunno what to say.... 我只是不想小事变大事。大化小不是很好吗？am i angry? yes, i am. put urself in my shoe and think. 我不是太得空才那么鸡婆。i dun like and dun wish to sabo other's friendship or whatever ship. if u want to 追究下去，dun drag me into it. 我不想淌这股浑水。leave me out from this.
i was not in good condition. woke up ard 6am because of a weird dream. i couldn't remember what had happening in the dream, but it was damn weird. i was shivering when i woke up. not because i am cold, is because i am scared. but that's not a nightmare. i know something must be happened in the dream that make me scared. i could feel my uneasiness...
then when i was ironing my uniform n i suddenly realised today is the window for my round of CORS. the vacancy so little and i cant afford to miss it coz it affects too many things... and it did. = =" i was vex and i was about to late for work. damn... n i really almost late. fffffff.... during the time i ate my breakfast, i was about to vomit coz i was late and i was really like forcing myself to finish the food when i really got no appetite to eat.
i am like lost soul today also... cant focus... may b because of the dream and CORS, too many things occupied my mind. n work with guri summore... make it even worst. night time is quite busy... and i was walking too fast and i knee on the stairs when i fell down. at first i still able to walk fast, then when time goes by, i can feel the pain getting more n more painful... until the end of the day, i can only walk slowly and limping. i hope the swell can goes down a bit tmr. really hope i can still walk tmr. coz from my past experience, i could barely walk the next day i fell down. cross my finger and pray hard...
today after break, i thought i lost my ring.. i panic a while.. then i think, is it a sign to get new ring? lol... but after like 5 min, i found it in my apron coz before break i was washing something, i scared it slips, so i took it off. lol.... super bad memory... but hor~~ i think i should get a new ring, this ring is too loose for my hand ady... i lost quite some weight actually....
Friday, January 4, 2013
well... today i was really angry in the morning. but i think i am angry for nothing. i felt unease when someone trigger my past memories that i hate to recall. i think i am angry with myself but i vent my anger on other ppl... so i am actually damn pissed to my attitude... so sorry if i freak u out.... my apology.
haiz... i dunno la... u also make me so confuse... i hate that kind of helpless feeling... may b i'm a control freak.
hmmmm.... ya... today i want to talk about ring... actually i posted a post very long time ago regarding the ring. i wore ring. is not because the ring is special to me, is the meaning of wearing ring is important to me..
the ring remind me i have to behave, coz someone is on my heart.
i lost my ring for some times. during that time my heart is vacant also... but surprisingly, when i found it, i found somebody already occupied my heart. so i kept wearing it now.
my eyes really pain... coz i didn't sleep much + wearing contact lens for too long.. really tired.. hope i wun blind~~ lol... kept rubbing my eyes after i took the lens off...
time to bed.. nite
haiz... i dunno la... u also make me so confuse... i hate that kind of helpless feeling... may b i'm a control freak.
hmmmm.... ya... today i want to talk about ring... actually i posted a post very long time ago regarding the ring. i wore ring. is not because the ring is special to me, is the meaning of wearing ring is important to me..
the ring remind me i have to behave, coz someone is on my heart.
i lost my ring for some times. during that time my heart is vacant also... but surprisingly, when i found it, i found somebody already occupied my heart. so i kept wearing it now.
my eyes really pain... coz i didn't sleep much + wearing contact lens for too long.. really tired.. hope i wun blind~~ lol... kept rubbing my eyes after i took the lens off...
time to bed.. nite
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
so tiring...
i didn't sleep well last night... slept at 2++, nightmare ard 4 or 5, finally slept at 6, waken up by my mum's alarm at 8, mine at 9, out from bed by 10 because the babies were at my house ady. din really had much sleep actually...
what a nice way to start my new year~~~
then my baby niece kept crying n crying.. i think she was shocked from the countdown lastnight. she cried in the middle of her dream. so poor thing..
ya.. was babysitting whole week. sometimes is fun, sometimes is not. coz babies cry can be very annoying~~
then the journey back to sg is quite jam... ffffff... the driver drive like snail.. took 2 hours to reach larkin from klg.. so many ppl... i quite some times didn't come back to sg by bus already... kind of lost also..
when i reach home, i am stunned... so dirty... omg... all the house chore... haiz...
i'm like the FOC malaysian maid for this house. fug la!!!
i confess not because i want to be in relationship. i just want u to know my feeling.
that's all~ as simple as that.. no need to scared about me. i dun bite.
but nvm la....
i didn't sleep well last night... slept at 2++, nightmare ard 4 or 5, finally slept at 6, waken up by my mum's alarm at 8, mine at 9, out from bed by 10 because the babies were at my house ady. din really had much sleep actually...
what a nice way to start my new year~~~
then my baby niece kept crying n crying.. i think she was shocked from the countdown lastnight. she cried in the middle of her dream. so poor thing..
ya.. was babysitting whole week. sometimes is fun, sometimes is not. coz babies cry can be very annoying~~
then the journey back to sg is quite jam... ffffff... the driver drive like snail.. took 2 hours to reach larkin from klg.. so many ppl... i quite some times didn't come back to sg by bus already... kind of lost also..
when i reach home, i am stunned... so dirty... omg... all the house chore... haiz...
i'm like the FOC malaysian maid for this house. fug la!!!
i confess not because i want to be in relationship. i just want u to know my feeling.
that's all~ as simple as that.. no need to scared about me. i dun bite.
but nvm la....
i woke up in shiver n sweats... so scared....
this dream is so realistic... too real...
i woke up n check my fons, twice, to ensure it's just a dream...
but i am scared of the deja-vu..
i dun want to experience the same pain twice... not now.
when i just began to experience new beginning...
i really hope all thes scenes just stayed in the nightmare...
coz i am too scared to face it again...
this dream is so realistic... too real...
i woke up n check my fons, twice, to ensure it's just a dream...
but i am scared of the deja-vu..
i dun want to experience the same pain twice... not now.
when i just began to experience new beginning...
i really hope all thes scenes just stayed in the nightmare...
coz i am too scared to face it again...
well.. this is the first post of the year~ coz i miss the chance to post the last post of 2012. lol
last day of 2012 is tiring and stressful. coz of the performance. i did a handsome hairstyle. it's the last time i would make my hair so handsome. in the 1 year in future, i will suffer from 不长不短 hairstyle. so i also dunno how will i make myself presentable in 2013. just let it grow on it's own~ lol...
the photo... hmmm... may b will put on twitter~ lol.. see how first.
the performance.. hmmmmm.... sux. not as good as i expect. but still fair enough~ i think i made some small mistake, but luckily the PA system not so good, so my flaws were covered. lol... but i am damn stressful for it.. i think tonight i should be able to sleep in peace.
i spent my last day of 2012 in kluang with my family. supper~ i like the gathering~
ya~ the tiring part, i dunno why ladies need to makeup. i really hate it. so troublesome and tiring. makeup is tiring, removal of makeup after that is even more tiring... how i do my countdown? removing my makeup. fug... stupid mascara! now i looked like a panda. ffffff
2012 have been pretty kind to me. i din hurt much, although still hurts, but i am grateful for all the pain and fun i've been through. at least i still survive~ at least i still possessed hope and wishes to 2013. that's already very lucky.
i had been through the darkest period in the past, now nothing is as worst as that.
this new year, i hope nothing but staying alive. if only if i am still alive then i can do so much things in the future.
i still wish the best for you. although i am not the right person, but i sincerely wish you best out of the best~
Happy new year
last day of 2012 is tiring and stressful. coz of the performance. i did a handsome hairstyle. it's the last time i would make my hair so handsome. in the 1 year in future, i will suffer from 不长不短 hairstyle. so i also dunno how will i make myself presentable in 2013. just let it grow on it's own~ lol...
the photo... hmmm... may b will put on twitter~ lol.. see how first.
the performance.. hmmmmm.... sux. not as good as i expect. but still fair enough~ i think i made some small mistake, but luckily the PA system not so good, so my flaws were covered. lol... but i am damn stressful for it.. i think tonight i should be able to sleep in peace.
i spent my last day of 2012 in kluang with my family. supper~ i like the gathering~
ya~ the tiring part, i dunno why ladies need to makeup. i really hate it. so troublesome and tiring. makeup is tiring, removal of makeup after that is even more tiring... how i do my countdown? removing my makeup. fug... stupid mascara! now i looked like a panda. ffffff
2012 have been pretty kind to me. i din hurt much, although still hurts, but i am grateful for all the pain and fun i've been through. at least i still survive~ at least i still possessed hope and wishes to 2013. that's already very lucky.
i had been through the darkest period in the past, now nothing is as worst as that.
this new year, i hope nothing but staying alive. if only if i am still alive then i can do so much things in the future.
i still wish the best for you. although i am not the right person, but i sincerely wish you best out of the best~
Happy new year
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