有你在乎我就够了。。

我曾经握的太紧，放得太松，如此轻易地失去了我所爱的人。

现在我只想让你成为我的世界。除你以外，我的心容不下其他人。。

不管是心动还是冲动，我这次不想放手。。

现在还没牵手，但我知道我不会放手。
因为我真的感觉得到她的心在我这里。。
这种奇妙的经历，我说不清楚。。
没想到真的会有人在我动情之前就已经喜欢上我。
我真的幸福
很幸福。。

与你擦肩而过，我自认我已尽力了。
你对我的残忍，我不再想记住。

这次，我不想负了她。

如果有一天你不再是我的牵挂，你是否还在乎。。

如今，我竟然只能对这些小朋友聊天来减轻我的痛苦。。你对我的残忍。。。你真的舍得。。

能不能让我再倔强一次？
再让我固执一次。。
再为你疯狂一次。
不管你怎么对我，不管你怎么忽略我，不管你会不会看见我，我都想再为你奋不顾身 不顾一切一次。

我知道我傻。
但为了你，我宁愿傻下去。

真的爱你。我可以什么都不介意。。
只要你想要，只要你说出口，我不会说不。

或许是我气量不够广阔，不够大方吧。。。

喜欢听你的笑声，但你却不是因为我而笑。我甚至没有见过听过你笑的那么快乐。。能让你开怀的不是我。

喜欢与你共度的时光，喜欢你的存在。但你的人在这里，心却不在。。 又有什么意义呢。。

我知道我不该计较，不该在乎。。但我真的难过。我到底算什么。。。只是出外游玩的kaki...

What am I to you..

没关系。。。真的没关系。。。

早就知道你等待的人不是我，不该抱有任何期待。就算明白也接受这个事实，只是偶尔还是会难受我也没办法。没关系的。痛就流泪，一次过哭得够。。哭完就别再为同一件事流泪了。

你要的不是我

就这样待在你身边，就已经足够。

终于盼到你回来了。。。

I am driver of the day!!

Today is the first time I drove car to genting~~ I really like this new car of my bro-in-law, so powerful n high. Get me this shorty a better vision of the road. So nice~~

Today is the second day of roadtrip with my family. Another fun n interesting day~~ I like the fast n furious feeling when drive on road. N this car is so steady, I can't even feel I was speeding until my dad prompted me. So fun driving, but so tired too.. Especially during night time. My vision is playing tricks with me.. Fortunately, everything went quite well today. I am pretty satisfied so far~~

Took a family photo today. Will update it soon.

Day one with family trip at kl. Early in the morning went to my favourite noodle stall at Sri lalang, then ard afternoon went to kl eat fish head bee hoon. Then went to Ikea for crazy shopping~~~ really enjoy it because I saw so many new n cool stuff~ so many inspiration and I bought a few racks for my room. Hahahaha.. Then night went to doraemon cafe to eat dinner. Super long queue, so we went to pasar Malam at ss2. I did enjoy myself with a little bit of food hunt~~ overall is quite fun but tiring.. Lol... Day 1 ends here..

I am so not prepared for the family trip... Didn't bring my stuff back, din prepare my luggage, just bring myself back with nothing. Clumsy and panic. Lol...

I took 10days of leaves. Since sushi tei does not need me now, I give myself some decent off day. Enjoy my life abit. Some day off without having you on my mind.. Hopefully I can made some happy moments memories with my family in this short trip..

Good night world..

:价值观的不同。

用钱可以解决的问题就不是问题，可是问题是没有钱，所以问题本身就是问题。

我的同事都笑我太拼命了。每天做10full是会累死人的。后来他们都改口说我太需要钱～我也不否认。因为我真的需要。势利啊势利。。。但却不是我势利。

既然用钱可以解决的问题就不是问题，那我就向钱看齐，解决问题。

如今我变成这样，我都觉得自己可悲

我真的已经累到不行。。。一个礼拜四天做runner真的很累。。。

现在整个身体都不是我的，累得根本就动不了。。。

I guess you probably can't understand why am I working so hard during every vacation. I wun blame you for this because you dun need to worry about finance. But for me, I really need to plan before hand before I make any decision..

Sem 2 is always heavier to me in term of finance burden because all the loan I took is only sufficient to cover the school fees and living expenses for first sem. Which means I have to cover the remaining of the outstanding fees and full amount of the living expenses of sem 2 by myself. I need at least $900 to cover the fees, $1700 for the hostel fees and at least $1500 to cover my living expenses for 3 month. I can only earn ard 2k during this short vacation. In order for me to have this 2k, I need 4 solid week of working. As in, 6 working days per week, everyday work 11.5hours. Sound so easy, but I fact, this is quite challenging..  The uncertainties of falling sick, urgent leave and unable to secure schedule may causes varies in the expected salary that I needed. I really need this amount of money, I need it so badly simply bcoz I am self sustaining. If I sound materialistic to you, I admit it. I can't help. Reality had forces me to behave like this.

This is why I am so mad when you told me that you do not want to go road trip with me if you dun get to drive even when I have car for you to drive. N do u think I will go road trip without you on tat day? You knew It is not possible. N I would just waste my offday just like tat. I had planned my schedule and i had requested my offday to fall on tat day. It may seems easy to you, but not an easy process to ask for leaves during Christmas season. Furthermore, my personality dun like uncertainties and changes. I like to follow the plan that I planned. But it seems so miscellaneous to you. Changes are so easy and impromptu.... Perhaps this is the characteristic of Gemini... Of course I would made arrangement to accommodate your changes at the best that I can. I definitely can. Worst case is just ponteng work, but it would stained my reputation. 

You see, It is not the matters of money or time or whatsoever, this is the matter of integrity and trust. I am loyal to my job and I am loyal to my colleagues. I can't leave them to work extra hard when I am able to help out and share the woe with them. You know I will sacrifice everything for you, but u should know I have other roles to play in my circle. I can do anything and everything for you, and I will do it if you ask me to, but I hope you would at least take a second to think for me next time before you make changes in your plan. I am not forbidden you to do changes, just let me know before hand to allow me to make changes to accommodate it and remember It always causes ripples effects either big or small.please... Dun take my caring for granted.. You know I do not need to do these in the first place... I did it because I cherish the moments with you and appreciate your time...

或许生活平顺的人都没机会习得珍惜的奥义。一切都当作理所当然，轻而易举。。

其实我真的很气。。气人性的丑恶，气丑恶的势利。。但我最气我自己。是我没本事。如果我有车有钱，或许现在一切都不一样。但我后来发觉，其实人都是这样的。。人往高处爬，当然有吸引力的东西就容易把人吸过去。我只是个穷学生。或许自食其力已经不流行。自立跟生或许也不是吸引人的资格。 我虽然没有金山银山，但我有志气。我花我用我自己的劳力赚来的钱养活我自己 ，没车没房算什么？

你不需要我，你不屑我的付出，我都知道。你轻易用一句话就抹杀我的自尊。我真的没办法站起来。。。就算追不到你我也不要作贱自己。你看不到我的好，我认了。你不把我当一回事，我也认了。无论我说什么做什么，你都不放在心上，我也认了。你想怎样就怎样。我什么都认了。如果这是你想要的，我没资格再说什么。你可以不珍惜我，但请别再糟蹋我。

原来我并非非你不可。你如此对待我，我竟然什么都感觉不到。不管是已经免疫了，还是麻痹了，都已经不重要。因为心死了，其他的感觉都已失去。

原本一切美好的，瞬间一切都毁灭了。
我只能笑我自己傻。。
一切只是一场笑话

我好恨啊！！！
你为什么可以这样对我。。。

Reading into every word u said is silly. I dun even need your love.  I'm not even on ur list.. That's silly. Too silly.

N now I'm actually feeling nothing at all.. Perhaps my heart already get used to all the disappointment u gave me

我好累。。。累得想哭。
怎么突然间那么累。。
真的一点力气都没有了

Yesterday day was an awesome n fantastic food hunt trip!!! Super exciting and enjoyable~~ 

I'm so happy because I ate a lot of good n nice food~ I always love food hunt coz eating nice food made my day~ lol..

 

We ate Korean fry rice cake, kimchi pancake, takoyaki, Japanese fried noodle pancake, dorayaki, egg tart, camembert cheese cake, transformer berries cake, original royal pudding from Paris baguette, waffle, cafe latte, Kilkenny, ho chi mint cocktail, chicken wraps, roasted duck spring rolls.. A lot a lot of food~~~~ I finally get to explore orchard, especially takashimaya. I bought myself a cooking recipe and a book at kinokuniya, went to muji, bought Garrett popcorn for Mel n chien. Went to ion and loof~ so much so much fun!!! My off day is well spent with food hunt with my dedicated tour guide, yee chien~ wakakaka...

Then I miss the last bus to go back to pgp, so I took cab. The uncle prompt me so many funny questions. Lol.. He ask me am I foreign student since I stay in hostel. Then he asked me how much is the single room that I having. Then he ask me do I have gf? Do I bring my gf crash at my room or shared the room with my gf? I was like... ???????? I dun have gf. Then he say, u should get a gf mah~~ then u wun feel so boring to study. Lol lol lol... I dunno the uncle is open minded or he just can't identify my gender. So funny~~ I din even try to lower ny voice. My voice is so feminine... perhaps my outfit cheated him~ Lol...

What a wonderful and interesting day...

Today i had a surprise surprise day~~~ early in the morning, mel bought me venti toffee nut latte~ absolutely brighten up my day~ i was like flying over moon and super excited about it for whole day~~~ feeling energetic and high in spirit during work~~ i really love all these small little moves that mel did. even a short text telling me she took the gastric pills that i prepare for her, and i am so happy about it! 

another big surprise is during my lunch break. I was about to eat my lunch, then i received text from chien that she is waiting for me in front of sushi tei for lunch. i was holding my chicken katsu don and my yasai salad... lol... immediately gave away my rice and head out to eat thunder tea rice~ i am very surprise indeed. but i more appreciate her effort to come all the way from pioneer to vivo just to eat lunch with me. hahahaha... glad that i have friend like her~

what an exciting day for me~~~ i am the most blissful ppl in the world~~~ so many ppl love me in their own way~~ i feels loved~~

I can't blog tonight.. Coz I need yo wake up super early tmr... So ya.. Good night world~~

I am exhausted... My legs aren't mine.. I'm limping and walking like a crab... Coz my spine hurt so bad... Probably I walk too much today... Really too busy... Madness of Christmas season...

I feel so blissful each and every time I see the photos.. Probably this is the first time and only time we stand so close to each other... I didn't realised on the spot. Lol.. How fortunate I am~~~

I am glad that you finally think of me in emergency. Although is not physically 'me' there, but I really glad you listen to  my advise and took the pills. I'm so happy that it helps. How much I wish I could b more helpful to you, but I guess you dun even need me. Is okay~ I am fine to b the last on your list. As long as I'm on your list, I dun mind..

Today I am still in the overwhelming mood~ so actually I am actually working with extremely delightful mode. Is like I am not really feeling annoyed or tired for the two third of my working time. I suddenly feeling tired around 8 because the restaurant is really busy today.. Dunno why so busy... Is like all the customers came and goes at the same time, then order at the same time.. It makes us very busy n tiring... But anyway, I still survived... One more day to go then offday... Jiayou jiayou!!

Did you realized yesterday was the first time you hugged me? Although is just for photo shot, is just a few seconds, I am really happy about it! Perhaps it doesn't even considered as hug to you, but all these small little moves make me so happy!! Haha.. I understand you dun have any meaning behind it, yet I still grateful that you did it. Happy that you willing to put some effort on me. Haha. Can't think too much. And I wun. You never fail to surprise me~ 

I'm beat... Good nite world

Awesome night with awesome scenery, awesome meal and awesome people!!! Awesome gathering! Although this may b the last time we meet each others before everyone go back to their hometown..

I am really happy with the night. Even before thr gathering I'm feeling awesome. Just because you're with me. Although we're just walking around vivo and get the stuff that we wanted to get, I am feeling great and satisfy~ I really didn't ask for much. This is exactly the way that I wanted to be with you. Just random chatter, and sharing of some random stuff that happened ard us. That is what I ever wanted.. I wan to b carefree with you.. I really enjoy your company.. Love your smile. Every small little things about you  make me happy... I'm really happy to see you again!

We tooks some awesome photos with the exchange students. And I kinda love the environment of mount faber. Chill and cozy.. Love the photos we took there... Looks so fantasy.. Hahaha...

I m so drunk now... Good night world!

其实只要你开口，没有什么是能让我拒绝你的理由。

其实你都知道，只要你想我去，我一定会去。

但看到你那么感激，我还是很开心的～

只要你开口，我一定答应。

Yes!!! Survived!!!

I survived thru this semester!! No matter how is the result going to be, I've learnt what I could and I did my the best that I can. Hence, I have no regret.

Finally I tried itacho~~~ the sushi is really nice~~~ I'm so impressed!! This is a very good treat for my effort for all the pain during exam week.. Been eating cup noodles for few weeks ady... So unhealthy!! Thx yee chien for bringing me there~~ super lucky that she ended her exam same time as me...

N there goes my last day of school in this semester with hunger game. Kinda disappointed coz I had read the novel. Kinda knew what is going to happen next, so next time shall I read the novel or not?? Luckily is not watching it in 3D, gonna vomit in the middle of the movie man... I kinda think the movie is too short. There could b more details actually.. Anyway, I did enjoy the movie.

Watching movie alone is another kind of pleasure.. Probably coz I am sitting in between 2 pairs of couple. So I actually didn't feel lonely. I dislike the the feeling of emptiness. Just like I dun like to walk on the street alone surrounded by busy crowd. Coz it makes me feel odd. I am fine to shop alone in daiso, muji, supermarket. But shop at mall alone makes me uncomfortable. Furthermore, watching movie does not need to talk. Which is kinda ok. Perhaps next time I can watch movie alone again. Of course two is always better than one. May have common topic to talk about if watch it with somebody. But since situation is like this, is fine then..

Supposed to do laundry actually... Gosh... Working at 10 tmr... Lifeless life begins soon. 向钱看齐！

One more down. Last paper!!!! 

Actually I'm kinda already in vacation mood ady. Coz I only have 1 night for myself then I will begin my working life again. So been thinking what do I wan to do since Sunday.. Lol... Totally have no confident in the paper tmr. Probably will SU it coz perhaps I will change minor to life science. Perhaps 2 focus area in CS is really too heavy to myself. If I really fail this module and I score A in bio again, definitely I will change to bio. My real interest is there..

Today finally done with discrete structure. I am glad this time round I am not panic in the exam with math module. Lol... Although I did not finish the paper, but I am happy with myself. I did whatever I can, and I have no regret. The outcome is not so important to me~ 

Hopefully I can sleep well tonight without need to take medicine again. I wan to have clear conscious when I wake up... The side effects is really making me feel sick... 

Good night world~

Today had a very long talk with yee chien.. Supposed to study but I lost my emotional control after seeing you... I am glad to met you again, but it hurts me so badly when I cares too much on your words again...

我不想因为我想要依靠就随随便便找个男人来爱。我很确定如果将来我真的与男性开始一段新的感情，那人一定是我以结婚为前提，托付一生的对象。如果这个人没出现，我宁愿一辈子单身也不愿随便。所以我对这件事很执着，很认真。不是可以随随便便拿来开玩笑的话题。但我听到你这样轻描淡写的就说出这句话的时候，我就明白你真的不太了解我。或许因为我也从来没提起过，你也不曾问我吧。。也或许你真的希望我少缠着你而无意说的吧。。

说者无意，听者有心。

我有我的立场，我有我的坚持。你要怎么想，我控制不了。我也没想要控制。在你眼里的我可能就那么肤浅吧。。。可能也就只值这样。

我其实很难受。。这整个礼拜明明痛苦的不得了，却还要用开心和平静的语气回应你说的话。。我到底变成了什么人？连我自己也不认识的一个陌生人。。什么时候开始在你面前我也开始伪装起来。。。我很难过。。我似乎已失去了自我。

可能瑜倩的想法跟你太相像，解开了我很多对你的误解，对你的疑惑。。但一时间我还适应不过来。。我知道你从头到尾并没有错，根本就没有给我任何承诺和期待。一切都是我太过在乎，小心翼翼时不小心失去了自己，是我误解了你。是我没站在的立场替你想。。我再退一步，再冷静一段时间可能就可以找到我和你之间的平衡。

我知道你在我身上找不到安全感，找不到chemistry，我不勉强。。每个人都需要一个聆听者，只不过你的聆听者不是我而已。没事。我接受也尊重你的一切决定。你不想见我，我不会勉强。不想聊天，就不需要回复，没事。不喜欢我对你的关心，告诉我，我停止。你不说，我不会知道，我不是你肚子里的虫，I can't read your mind..我跟你之间没有默默无声的那种默契，所以我不能感应你的想法。没办法像你说的，了解的不必说，不了解的说了也没用。我不需要知道所有一切。我知道你想说自然会说。但我需要知道你不喜欢什么，那我才可以避免。

我知道那天你跟我谈了之后就move on了，就只是我还困在里面，走不出来。我的理性知道你完全没有意思也知道我该放手，真的清楚明白。但我的内心就是打死不肯妥协。我真心的想待在你身边，可是又不知道待在你身边有什么意义。何况你也真的不需要我。但我对你的情感没办法转移。真的没办法。。我的理性斗不过我的心，我快精神崩溃了。。可不可以就让我把情感寄托在你身上，我会尽量保持距离，什么也不做，什么也不期望。。 我真心想在你面前做自己。想在你面前不用伪装。不满你对待我的方式时可以表达我的感受和意见。不想像现在这样一直退让到一个地步，我已经失去自我的状态。。我不想这样面对你。。你明明就让我很快乐，但这样伪装自己来面对你时就已经失去了让我快乐的意义。。

感情是需要双方面的努力的。就算你只把我当友情，也一样需要经营对吧。我拼命想维持，想给你平衡，但我一直退 你也往后退 这样联系就断了。。如果你还有一丝丝在乎，可以请你先别放弃我好吗？。。帮助我fine tune，帮助我适应。我们可以一起努力找出那一个平衡点。给我点时间和机会协调。 我真的很在乎也很珍惜你。。我不想就因为喜欢你而失去你。。

一个人的旅程

独身主义。

这是我最近在思考的问题。最近太多小学同学，中学学妹结婚的喜讯。突然让我想思考我到底想要什么样的人生？大学毕业，然后找份工作，然后随便找个人嫁掉，就这样每天循环着工作，家庭，工作，家庭，直到生命的尽头的那一刻？似乎不是我遐想里的画面。。。如果我一开始的终极目标是要找个依靠，现在就不可能会决定要独身了。

有份朝九晚五，稳定的工作是我所想要的。但随便嫁掉却不是我的梦想。如果在我有生之年，能够遇到一个爱我多过我爱且值得我用一生的信任来依靠的男人，我愿意用我所剩下所有的时间与他共度。但至今为止我还没遇到。。所以在我还没遇到这人之前，我决定以独身主义精彩的活下去。至少在我遇到这人之前，我可以确定我的人生没白白的过，至少可以与别人分享我人生旅程中各种足迹带给我的回忆。无论是美好的，悲哀的，色彩缤纷的或是黑白的，都会丰富我的人生。到那一天我必须离开的时候，我可以昂首对自己说，这一生，我没白活。

24岁是一个奇妙的岁数。
说老吗？还没到30的一半呢。
但说年轻呢，却已经过了21。是该为自己的人生负责的年纪了。

再不疯狂我们就老了。
话说，今年24的我还真的疯狂了好几回。
在一个礼拜的通知下参加10K Nike Run。
对一个讨厌流汗的人来说已经是跨出很大一步了。
当我知道李宇春要来新加坡，我兴奋到不行。所以今天我又疯狂了一回。
我买了我人生中的第一张sistic单人票去看李宇春的歌剧。

刚刚跟家里人提了要一个人去旅行的提议，直接被全家炮轰。
理由却是简简单单的一句，“你还没长大，不放心你一个人去”
第一次知道原来在家人眼里我也是温室里的小花。
可是他们却忘了我曾经一个人去了香港自由行。
曾经去过了地球的另一边实行，经历了不一般的两个月。
已经一个人在新加坡生活了四年。。
披着无比沉重的经济压力重担和学习压力走过来的四年。。。

以后只要有机会，只要我有能力，我一定还会再去美国一次。
一定会去瑞士会会我不平凡的笔友。

或许我会开始另一个部落格单单记录我这刚刚要开始的旅程里的点点滴滴。
我想在我迷惑，无法坚持下去的时候，回顾我一路怎么走过来。。
想想当初的初衷。想想当初为了什么开始，为了什么坚持，为了什么一路走来。。

我一个人独身主义的人生旅程，就要开始了。

遇见你是我至今最大的收获。
跟你相处让我明白许多事，开始思考许多事。很多时候我真的觉得我人生的历练真的还没你多。或许一路走来我经历的波折没你多。或许许多我还没知晓的事，你都已经经历过了。许多时候你都会tweet一两句让我觉得羞愧的post。虽然可能你不是写我，但我往往都会不小心对号入座，然后痛苦难过一两天，然后就会对此深思。往往你都是对的。

我不坚强，软弱给谁看？

没错。可能你觉得我太懦弱了。。唯有知道自己的软弱，才能明白什么是坚强。但我软弱的一面，你或许还没真正的见识到，如果我露出软弱的一面，纯粹因为我完全的信任你。不了解我的人可能至今为止都从没见过我流一滴泪。能让我伤心痛苦也因为着同样的原因。只有最信任的人才能伤你最深。

我想让自己强大起来。直到能够成为自己的避风港。
既然天大地大，却没有能收留我的地方，我就自己来保护自己好了。
累了就休息。心烦了就想办法让自己舒坦。饿了就吃饭。心情不好就奖励自己一顿好吃的。忍不住泪水了，就大哭一场。哭到没办法呼吸了，就想办法让自己平静下来。
再没办法就找人求救。偶尔软弱一下是被允许的。

太过在乎你的话是我的致命伤。
总有一天我也要学会选择分辨和聆听什么是正面或负面的声音。
需要学会你不是我的一切，其实一开始就什么也不是。
需要学会忽略，因为我根本就不算什么。基本上，其实什么也不是。
但我从没后悔我做的决定。
虽然每每经历被你一次又一次的拒绝，和伤害。
但你带给我的快乐又一次次的覆盖了之前的一切难过。

我依然感激你所带给我的快乐和一切与你度过的时刻。
桌上的照片依然是支持我继续期待明天的动力。。
这一切都是丰富我人生的美好，和成长必须经历的难关。

as usual, CS paper is always killer. furthermore i only slept 2 hours due to unstable emotion last night.. basically, i went into the exam hall with blank mind and i totally have no idea what had i wrote after i finish the paper.. my mind is not functioning.. too painful... but is my fault.. can't blame anyone for this. although i did study for it, it just dun help much.. hopefully i wun fail this paper...

i took pills straight after i came back from exam and slept my whole day off just like tat.. my heart is painful.. my brain is suffocating too.. still unable to restore after the cry... whole body system had collapsed... exhausted... after the long nap i think i am feeling slightly better.. at least i am not capable to think about it in my dream..

hopefully tonight i am able to get some sleep without pill. been taking too much of the pill in the past few days.. almost overdose level ady... cross my finger n pray hard that i am not waking up in a soaking wet pillow again..

good night world

我好想你。。。

好后悔。。。为什么跟自己赌气，为什么要为小事而伤心。。为什么要因为这样就不联系你。。结果我度过了一天没有你的休息日。。现在我只有一句话。。我好想你。

冷静后才发现昨晚根本就是我无理取闹。无端端的哭了一整个晚上，无端端的失眠，为了不该吃醋的事伤心生气。我又有什么资格生气。。说到底，你没有给过我任何希望，所以我根本就没有资格失望。。就这样轻易的让你又离我远了一些。。。是我不该。

may be i just care too much and fell too deep... 真的一点点小事就能让我痛不欲生。如果昨晚没有人陪着我的话，我可能真的就因为哭得太过而窒息了。已经很久很久没有那么痛苦的哭过了。。或许这次我真的伤的太重。。要重新站起来，需要一些冷静的时间。。

我知道你只是把我当朋友。也应验了我dejavu里的噩梦。。就算是我单恋暗恋，也不要对我太残忍好吗？朋友之间难道就只剩下残忍吗？。。有很多事情其实可以圆滑的处理的。。。没必要把我逼到绝境就因为我喜欢你。。没必要做得那么绝。。。或许有时候换个角度来想想，你可能就可以体会我的痛。。或许就可以明白为什么我那么难过。。。

不是我不独立。我也可以一个人生活。毕竟这一路以来也是一个人活着走过来。只是我真的很珍惜有你陪伴的时间。你的存在让我感到快乐。没有理由的快乐。所以喜欢找你，喜欢见到你，因为这些时刻都让我感到快乐。但恐怕对你而言，我可能就是那些让你感到不快的人吧。。所以你跟我相处都觉得特别煎熬吧。。。

接下来或许又是没办法再见到你的时候了。。
祝你考试顺利。
感谢你陪我走过这个学期。

recently i seldom write blog using my lappy coz my specs spoiled.. so i can't see clearly without contact lens on.. today i use my lappy again coz my finger is not fast enough to type with fon as compared to typing on laptop.

was really in good mood and happy until few seconds ago... *facepalm... speechless... how simply you mess with my mind with just a few characters... i hate myself for care so much on you... seriously.... why am i letting you take control on my emotion again? kept telling myself to live independently without you, without care about your opinion, your words... and yet.. i still broken down coz of you.. haiz....

stop

it needs to stop. perhaps i expose too much of myself to you, which makes me getting hurt so easily.. too fragile.

why push me into hell right on the night before my early paper tmr morning.....
only you are capable of killing me like this...
as easy like this...

今天见到你的时间不超过一分钟。。虽然只有短短的一分钟，我已经觉得很满足了。好过见不到。真的想天天见到你，但是你可能会觉得见到我很烦吧。。没事。。有缘就一定会见到。我知道我很压力，觉得你应该也一样。考试越来越近，时间越来越不够。。我自身难保，所以只能说一句，加油。

昨晚失眠特别严重。。可能是因为咖啡，也可能是因为压力。我整个晚上脑里都是circuit和gates。。不大可能会睡着。严重的panic状态。但却不甘愿起来吃药。结果到早上都没睡着。。今天靠一杯venti的cafe latte撑一整天。我觉得明天可能要喝espresso了。。再这样下去，还没考完我就已经变僵尸了。。。今天没办法，还是要靠药物了。。不睡不行，不然明天考试一定会没办法思考。。三天吃完12个chapter的bio。我佩服我自己对bio的热爱！

没什么时间写post了。今天就到这里吧。药物开始take effects了。。。

不能对号入座。不能陷进不属于我的圈套里。

虽然嘴上这么说，心里这么说，理性这么说，但是我还是会难过。如果没有经历过刻骨铭心的爱情，是不可能会朝思暮想，苦苦思念那人无法入眠。。我经历过，所以我明白那种伤感。。那种离愁。。

我难过，因为我无法代替也无法帮助你。我当然知道你根本就不需要我，更不想要我帮忙。我本来就不在你的考量范围内。所以根本就不用白费心思，你不稀罕。。我真的想问自己，我到底还要让你践踏我的心多久？还想让你折磨我多久？。。我的真心对你来说好像是垃圾。。我到底要被忽略，被藐视多久才甘愿？。。

就算这次说服自己，像每次被你拒绝后那样放手，到最后也只是自己骗自己。。到最后还是会喜欢你。。你无奈，我何尝不无奈呢？。。我不是没努力过，不是没尝试过放弃，就是放弃不了。。

我没想再往前靠，只想保持现状就好。好不容易你不再逃避我的眼神，见面聊天也不尴尬了，我不想要再经历一次与我唯一的朋友隔绝的日子。。

忍耐。

把对你的爱慕收起来这点事，我还是做的到。我说过，you will be my last. And you are my last. 你就是最终。

今天不是很想说话。。。越来越多人post spencer的照片，新闻，感言。。我不是很可以承受失去朋友的悲痛。。就算不是很熟的朋友，我也还是会很难过。。我不知道要怎么表达。。不代表我没感觉。。我只希望这件事赶快平静下来。。大家都很难过，再提起也只是更难过而已。。。

我不知道该怎么跟你说。。
我没办法表达。。。

能不能借我一个肩膀。。让我靠一下，一分钟就好。。

I am so glad we r back to the usual atmosphere again~~ perhaps staying too close for too often is bad for "health"? Health of friendship I mean..

I may b getting too close to the boundary of your comfort zone. So perhaps the cooling down in the past few days did help me to step back from there.. Ya... I might really over hyped up myself and went too far.. But... I was crazy in love tat time.. Aiyo... Now i'm still love, but subtle abit. Haha... I still enjoy seeing you around. I Can't help it~ You made me happy~

Was chatting with yingsze this noon. Just random chatter.. Thanks to her who help me divert my attention, I was able to put down some sorrows.. Was really depressed when I saw the news feed of fb this morning... Everyone is talking about Spencer... I'm sad.. But there is nothing that I can do.. Life is unpredictable... No one would ever know what's going to happen next seconds. So live to the fullest and enjoy current moment.

Putting all my attentions in revision so that I am not capable to think about anything else.. I am trying to blind myself.. Hopefully I can get back on my feet soon...

Positive positive.

Today another junior in tp passed away... I do not know the actual news, but I kinda shocked when I saw them posting it on fb... Pity much.... Although I did not know him very well, but still make me sad about it to hear the news... RIP.. Spencer you will live in our memory..

如果不看不听不问让你觉得好一些，那我从今天起是不是就要当哑巴聋子瞎子了？。。 我都分不出我今天究竟是尴尬还是我在尽量避免说话。说多错多。。我觉得这样很奇怪。。气氛很怪。难道你不觉得很怪吗？。。两个人吃饭交谈不到五句。我看今天我们说了几句话十只手指都还有多。。。

相处真的是一门学问。

我很不喜欢现在这样。。感觉很压力。。明明跟你在一起的时间应该是开开心心的，现在却变成无比的压力。。到底有什么误会还没解开。。我还是喜欢之前那样说说笑笑的时候。。怎么样才能变回之前那样。。。

This is whay I scare of... Awkwardness...

Why are v like stranger again... I really do not wish to end up with this situation with you again.. But I should give you more freedom right? I am wondering did I really bounded you in the first place? I did not forbidden you to go out for date nor stop you from meeting anyone. All I did was having lunch with you, study at lib with you n go gym with you. Definitely you can go for meal with other friends, have group study with your peers and gym with other pgp residents. I did not stop you from any of the above ar... So I am confused again... What did I do that made you feel so uncomfortable?..

What did I said in the past 2 weeks?... I am trying to recall.. Other than so called "confession" on 3 nov, I did not texted you regarding my affections to you Nor telling you face to face.. Tweets may b? Or even here... But tweets n post are my private social media ar... I should b able to say what I wan here right?.. Ok la.. I will try to say less affections here next time... But how come I didn't feel that I did said any overdoing stuff in tweets?.. Am I too insensitive about the topic?.. Haiz... May b I really am..

Then did my facial expressions betrayed me? I think it did. Coz I really feel blissful and happy with you ard.. It is hard to disguise.. I genuinely feeling happy from the bottom of my heart... Can I dun hide it with poker face?...

I do not know what do you wan me to do... How should I behave to reduce this awkwardness.. I dun wan to lost myself in giving in to you.. That will be very sad if I really turned out tat way.. I can give you everything I have, but can I just keep my dignity to myself. I honour any of your decision and fully support you in everything you wanted to do. so can you please do the same to me? At least let me have my freedom to make my decision. I really wan to keep this fragile bond between you and me as tight as possible..
Hopefully this is not just my one's wishful thinking.. I sincerely hope you actually cherish our friendship... At least for once...

I am not trying to say you dishonor my decision or what so ever. I know you always respect my decision. I am just trying to say, actually I did mulled over my feelings toward you before I confess to you. I actually did thought about the consequences.. I know what I am doing.. I just wan to be truthful to myself.. I understand this may sound selfish to you, but I never wanted to cause any inconvenient to you. Sincerely I apologize, but I will not give up on you.. Stay by your side is all I ever asked for. As friends or as bff, even anything you name it, I dun mind. As long as you dun avoid me again. I will do the best that I can to maintain our current situation.. I promise. Have some faith in me.

recently the weather is really nice.. too nice that i couldn't wake up for morning lesson earlier than 12.. lol... i've been missing a lot of morning lesson this week already...

today as usual, study in lib. hardcore time now... then actually when i just put down my bag and took out my books, i got a text... to buy waffle. immediately i packed by stuff and walk back to soc where i came from... lol... but it turned out not so good as i expected.. lol... may b this is the trigger that made you wanted to talk with me for the problem that we r facing ba...

then after soaking in bio lecture slides and text book for 3 hours, we went to gym. today something that i can't explained happened. i faint.. to b exact, i lost conscious for < 1 seconds. i fell down from treadmill.. i was running, but i am sure i am not exhausted the seconds before i fell because i've been slowed down the pace to walk about 1 min plus before i start to run again.. i just can't explain...

today another miracle happened. you talk to me about the issue that i fond of you. i am surprise that you raise the topic. coz you always avoid it and treat like nothing had happened. i never thought you will willing to talk it with me openly. i am really happy about it and i really appreciate it. i always wanted to talk to you... i wan to know how you feel about it and i really wan to figure out am i really love you... suning kept telling me this is just the illusion that i create for myself after i let my past go.. is like a substitute image that keep my mind in one piece without falling apart. i am confused actually... i know the feeling is real, but it is not the same level as how i feel for yingsze. i am not comparing. is just that... the degree of love is different... may b really as what you said, love for friend? but it is kinda beyond friends... i dunno... may b i am wrong.. i still need some time to figure it out and realise the reality... for now i should stop hypnotise myself and behave a bit... you think i had went too far when i haven't do anything yet... i should slow down myself abit.. may b dun care so much about you anymore.. i will try~ if i can let you go, i would already did it in a year ago... it's not easy when this feeling had rooted for so long....

anyway, i am happy that you willing to be someone that i can rely on.. at least my mind is at ease now... but i dunno when will that day be.. hopefully it would not be the day that i lost you again.. i feel relief after talking to you. thanks a lot.

其实我现在不知道该怎么办。。乱了方向。。总之现在走一步看一步吧。。。

我想说。。你跟璎持不一样。她带给我宁静。好像世界再乱，有她在，我就很稳妥，不用担心。跟你在一起就很快乐。虽然压力还是一样大，但是暂时的快乐可以让我忘了我其实很压力。而跟你在一起时的快乐，是我坚持下去的动力。每天都在期待见到你。所以期待明天的到来。。

I really wish someday I can cry in front of you when I am sad.. But I know tat day will never come true... Because this is a one sided feeling.. one sided from me who have unconditional love towards you, but you might not feel the same way..
I have to be strong n positive in front of you. Because you dislike the negative me and hated when my negative thoughts affect you.. I know. But sometime I really cant help... You r the only one whom I can talk to.. I do not know who else I can turn to besides you... N I thought you might b able to understand.. But I always make you angry instead... I am trying.. Trying to hypnotize myself to think positively. Trying to try again.. Try harder to understand.. I'm really trying...

I'm not perfect.. But I'm trying to be the best that I can be.. No matter have you see my efforts, I am trying.

For once... I really wish you would be there for me to rely on... But It seems it can only happens in my dream...

Today was another rainy day... If I no need to wake up, wouldn't it be nice?? Lol... But today I really woke up quite late.. Coz no more morning lab ady. Haha.. I am so glad that you reply my msg coz  I think I will b still lying on my bed if I didn't received your msg... I think Your msg has the power to kick me out from my bed. Probably in everything I doing also.. Lol.. Last night I was watching anime while waiting for you.. then when you text me, I got heart attack, immediately stop everything I am doing and keep all my stuff then rush to bus stop. Phew.. Heart attack sia... Lol 

Finally I had completed the last lab of the sem. 2 days had burned for it. Supposingly I should complete it within 1 day and move on to other stuff. But things happened, so ya.. No choice~ eventually I still completed it. So I feel the sense of satisfaction actually~~ coding is fun when the code is working..

Then we resume gym today.. Been slacking for a week ady.. Muscles are so slack and get tired easily.. I tend to give up so easily when I run, but with you around I dun dare to slack too much, dun even dare to think about giving up. Simply because u never stop.. I really admire your spirit.. Been looking at you and I feel sweetness overflow in my heart.. Although is just a few seconds.. Lol.. I'm Crazy in love I think.. 

Now both my mental and physical are exhausted.. I had a long day actually... 

Good night world...

The weather is so chilly~~ I feel like I am in the state of hibernating... Probably because I'm a snake, so I really lazy to move in this kind of weather.. Lol lol lol...

Actually today is first day of mensus, so I got terrible cramp. But I was spending my whole day in lib, so cramp + cold lib is not a good day for me actually.. Furthermore, the heater of my block spoiled this morning when I bath. So ya... Cold water + cold weather = terrible cramp. Now all make sense to me. Hahaha.. No wonder I feeling so tired and weak. Now I know rhe reason. Hahaha... Blogging help me to analyze my day, so now I understand what's has happened to me. Oic..

I am tat kind of programmer whom cannot be interrupted during coding. Once I stop typing n stop thinking in terms of syntax, I can't continue. Was coding for my lab actually. Then my bro text me said he came sg, so he wan to meet me. Coz I was coding in lib, so when he came, I have to go back to pgp n meet him. Then when I came back to lib, the mood and ideas were gone... Haiz.. Back to square one. So I have to code again tmr.. Supposed to start study for another mod ady. But now still stuck with lab. I wan to clear all the CA as soon as I can then only I can concentrate on revision. Jiayou jiayou~~ few more days to go..

And today I found out something amazing. YouTube is kind of awesome. I was so lazy to construct my own playlist today.. So I simply search n listen to Jason Chen's gravity.. Then I accidentally clicked the YouTube recommended playlist, it turned out pretty neat! All the songs of the channel that i've subscribed and some songs related to my most recent search. Really good~ it made my life so easy~ hahaha.. Discovered some cool songs too.

I think recently I'm really in some good mood. So when I listen to love songs, it made me happy. I used to hate love songs coz it always brought me sorrow... It never fails to trigger some past memories. But now it makes me happy~~~ I even feel the air is so sweet.. Lol... Exaggerated right? But that is how blissful I feel~~ thinking of you made me happy~ especially when I had met you earlier in the day, I really feels energetic and motivated.

Magical influences by you? Probably.. Or Probably this is just myself hallucinating myself in my mind, but this is fine with me though... As long as it bring positive impacts n not hurting anyone else, I think this is acceptable.

I'm trying very hard not to 对号入座. And I trying to give you as much freedom as I can. I'm really trying.. No matter are you referred to me, I wun take it to heart, but I will improve from that.. I never wanted to be burden to you.

Today is sushi tei annual D&D. So the boss belanja all the staff to a hotel to eat n have fun.. I kinda photo shy, so I didn't took a lot of photos wih others. These are my brothers in sushi tei. Hahaha... Kinda scary isn't it.. Vivo already have so many handsome gals. Each outlet has at least 2 butch I ink... Hahaha... 

This morning I was jumped up from my bed. I thought I was dreaming, but then when I saw green light is blinking on my fon instead of orange light for charging, I was shocked and sat up on my bed. Blinking green light is the notification for line messenger. But luckily the SMS was not from your, if not I might really fall down from my bed coz I will b so nervous. Hahaha.. The weather is too chilled that I dun wan to wake up. But I can't 赖床coz I had promised you I would deliver food for you before I attend my tut. Luckily I went for tutorial coz the TA discussed past year paper which is very important. So I really glad that i promised you to go for tutorial! You saved my life again~ hahaha... 

I think I did something pretty stupid today~~ but I am looking forward for the response. Hopefully it would turned up good~~ I am not romantic in neither personality nor character... I really dunno how to express... But At least I've tried~~ hopefully it would not get me banned by you... 

I miss goin gym with you... Looking forward to meet you for gym again tmr~ 

I am so glad that you did think of me when you needed help~ 

at least I am on your mind at this moment..

简单的幼稚

快乐对我来说本来是件很简单的事。知足，所以我快乐。感觉自在，所以我快乐。做我想做的事，吃我想吃的，都让我很快乐。明明今早起来自我感觉良好，可是为什么突然间情绪跌入谷底？就因为莫名其妙抛来的一个问题，“人需要学会一个人快乐。有别人陪伴是意料外的奖励，并不是别人的义务。”

我是不是也不知不觉中变成了别人的负担。我享受别人的陪伴，不喜欢一个人孤孤单单。但我表达的太多，似乎把你的陪伴当作理所当然。。你根本就没有义务陪伴我。就连回短信也不是你的义务范围。而我却因为这些琐碎的事消沉。。这样岂不变成我太过执着于本来就不该发生的现象里。。

然后又回到这个问题。。什么是义务？
当朋友的义务是什么？我没有答案。。是在朋友需要帮助的时候才出现？是时常混在一起，一起经历生活的点点滴滴？一起冒险？还是根本就没有“一起” 因为“一起”本身就不是义务。。

我知道我在钻牛角尖。可是我很困惑。。明明快乐和幸福对我来说都是简单的事。。但为什么“成熟”要把一切变得复杂？为什么要思考所有一切的理由？世上明明就有很多事是没有理由也不需要理由的。。暂且不说我自己的感情，难道爱慕一个人需要理由？感觉是可以用理由来解释的吗？立出来的理由，又包含着多少表面，肤浅和浮夸。。

对自己坚持我的信念又哪里不成熟了？我想在这复杂的世界里维护我的简单，我的单纯。我还想相信这个世界有好人。还想相信不是每个人都必须带着面具才能生存的世界。又是谁来定义谁比较成熟谁比较幼稚？又以什么标准来定义？难道是年龄？经历？学历？目标？

如果这个社会定义我是幼稚，那我接纳我的幼稚 。至少这是真的我。让我快乐的我。别人的眼光在意的再多也不能改变什么。别人无法替我承但接下来的决定，无法替我走我未完成的路。我的生命，我主宰。

我对你的好也不是我的义务，若不是出于我对你的爱，我不可能忍耐那么多的拒绝，那么久的等待。 如果爱你让我变得卑微，甚至让我迷失了自己，那我还有什么立场问自己“what can I give?” when I am left with nothing even my dignity.. 我要壮大我自己。以我的方式。

今天的思考，的确让我看清了许多。

Simple and innocence.
My rule

This is my ex roommate, Mico~ We only meet once in a year~ hahahaha... today had some playful chat time & dinner with her at tampines~ silly us~ 

你不在。。。

也没空跟我聊天。。。

no motivation....

我的周末过的好堕落啊。。。

今天我看了你一个人看的“天台”。。想看看你喜欢的电影，想听听你喜欢的歌曲。。想再多的认识你。。看看跟你的距离会不会缩短一些些。。。你拒我于千里之外，好像我是会吃人似的。。不想看到你害怕我的表情。。。。明明被爱应该是幸福的，怎么我却成了别人的梦魇。。。。

今天起得太早，感冒了。。结果一整天在家混。。。
其实不是不想睡，只是突然间就醒了。
醒醒睡睡。。。昏昏沉沉不小心又睡着了。。
虽然只是短短几秒的噩梦，我害怕的不知道怎么办。。。
害怕闭上眼又梦到同样的画面。。
害怕看到你对我说，我们只是朋友。
害怕你突然消失。。然后又是一个sem不联系。。。

我不在乎你喜不喜欢我，但我在乎能不能见到你。。
在乎能不能与你聊天。。在乎能不能待在你身边。。
我真的在乎。。。

我喜欢有你的陪伴。。
只要有你在我就很快乐。。
喜欢看你的笑容。。
喜欢你身上的味道。。
喜欢你不知觉散发的自信。。

其实我觉得我并没有很了解你。。
平时你太坚强，比我还要man。。
但有时你累了，却也不曾在我面前软弱一下。。
往往都是事后才告诉我。。。

我也想在你需要依靠的时候陪着你。。
可你都不给我机会。。
或许，你觉得我们的交情还不到那个程度吧。。

我还想要陪你度过更多生活中的点点滴滴。。
我想记住更多你的身影。
想聆听你的故事。。
想要参与你的梦想。。
如果我还有机会的话。

就算不可能在一起，我也想在你身边做你永远的支撑者。。
谁知道未来到底长什么样？。。
我只希望，当下我活得精彩，活得开心。
但愿每天能与你同行，我已知足。

Today i sneakily took this photo when we study in lib today~ Hahaha... rajin-nya~~~ This is my sunshine and my positive energy whom keep me going. I knew i have been pretty颓废and lazy on this semester. but i will try my best to improve on it. hopefully now is still not too late.. I will try to catch up with your pace and give my best... i wan you to be proud of me, at least as a friend. so tat's my new objective!

I figured out that morning lesson is kinda tough on me. i struggle a lot to wake up by 8am. is like a curse. no matter how early i slept the night before that, i tend to wake up much later than the time i supposed to be.. i wan to change that. really wish. so i gonna try again tonight. i wan to sleep early and wake up for it. just try again. "Never say die" just like the slogan of rumah merah~

somehow u didn't realised a slight change of me. but is ok~ you don't have to pay attention to me anyway~ haha.. i can't denied that i was really hoping that you can tell. however, i am fine thought. when i ask myself, "does she really need to pay attention to my hair?" and my answer is "no", then all the problem has solved. because i understood you do not have any obligation to treat me like how i treat you. Actually your willingness to study with me is far beyond my expectation. i am already very fortunate that you still willing to meet me and spent time with me in the tight schedule of yours. I am grateful~~

i admire your diligence. looking at you kind of make me wanna go extra mile beyond my concentration limit and hang in there for awhile more. i admire how smart you are. looking at how you solve those complicated numbers and formula make me wanna tell you how amazed i am by you... i wanna keep learning from you, keep inspired by you~  because of you, my day began to be meaningful..

i think i'm gonna miss you... hahaha....

Running again.. Today was feeling ok ady, muscle were no longer aching, so I went out for a short run. Was planned to jog but at the end, I become running faster n faster.. Probably because I only run for 10 min, might as well give my best to sweat. So ya... Now was covered in sweat...

Tmr have morning lesson, so I need to sleep earlier tonight. Hopefully I can sleep early and fall asleep easily.

Finally I manage to attent the lecture on wed. N finally I am back on the track. Coz the topic begin to back to something that I am more familiar with. So hopefully I can catch up from here. Was totally lost for quite a few weeks ady, now it the time to camp at lib and eat all the materials. One by one. Follow my schedule and my pace. Jiayou jiayou!!!

I still manage to see u today~ hahaha..may b this is not ur original plan. But I accidentally messed it up.. Lol... In which causes u need to see me after all.. I am happy, but my happiness may had build on ur inconvenient~ since u never angry, I also wun take it to heart then~~ Hahaha.. Anyway, I'm still very excited to see you~ seem like怎么看都不会腻～every night I am looking forward to meet u again~ hopefully tmr I will still able to meet u.. I feel so blissful with you around~ I probably is the most fortunate ppl in the world right now~~ at least in my mind~~I am so glad that I have the chance to spend time with my love one who make my day so meaningful~ although is just few hours, I am contented~ I really love to be with the ppl whom brighten up my day~ thank you for being my sunshine~

I can see how tired you are today... Been a long day for you isn't it.. Rest well~ hope to see you soon~

I swear I will go to lecture tmr. Can't skip it anymore. The quality of the webcast is so disturbing.... Watch half way got the green screen of death... Lol.. Anyway, I gonna rate this module as super poor anyway. I'm kind of bad student here. Haha.. But I seriously wan to pass this module. Die die have to pass. I dun wan to go thru another 1 sem of hell with this prof again.

I spent half of my day in lib today. With webcast and my love one~ this situation is so blissful~~ I really enjoy spending my time with you... Even doing nothing I still very happy. Something must be wrong with my brain, just sitting side by side also can be so happy~ I really wish I can see you everyday.. A few minutes is fine also~ coz your presence did cheer me up and brighten up my day~ I cherish every moments with you. How lucky I am to get to know you~~ I am a blissful man~ you are everything I need.

惨了。。我觉得我最近越来越帅。。
超自恋的说～～～
自信是好的，但自恋嘛。。。
Hmmm...

although i didn't get to meet you up today, i am still contented~

today i happened to read some of my previous post, then i realised i was really insane... i didn't know that i had wrote so many post about you in the past.. you were taking part in many many moments and memories of mine since my first sem in NUS... n i believe all my posts are my honest feeling at that point of time. indeed.. my affections toward you is not just my reckless decision. it is not some impetous feeling that fade away easily... i never knew i would fall in love with you in the first place... these feeling build up as time goes by... as the more time i spent with you, the more i fond of you.. and eventually, i am in love with you. even after u had rejected me so many times...

today i read about a fb post about true love.
"Marriage isn't about you. "
yup. love is selfless. love is giving. love is about you, not me.
your happiness is far more important than myself.
should always ask myself, what can i give to make you happy? what should i do to make you felt loved? no worry, i am not asking you to do anything. i feel happy when you are happy. so you just need to stay happy will do~

i am happy because i still in contact with you~ at least you still respond to me. that's a lot of improvement from previous sem already. i am contented because u didn't runaway and hide from me. i am really happy about this.

i can even find myself glowing~ simply because i am always so happy and contented with you around. I could't be more blessed to have met you in my life~ thanks for being the source of my happiness~

My brain is too painful to blog right now....

Thx for taking part in my first 10k of my life.. This awesome memory will last forever..

I am very happy and contented.. Simply because I had a wonderful day with you~

To Jiun

Finally I am brave enough and comfortable enough to say 'I love you' again to the second person in my 24 years of life.

I can always say I fond of u or I like you. I can in relationship with the person I like. I like and fond of each and every one of my gf, but it does not meant that I love each and every one of my ex. I never said 'I love you' to the second person other than yingsze.

I am very stubborn on my principles. To me, like and love is very different. Is like 2 totally different context. I can like anyone, but I can't love everyone. I have to boast that I am a very faithful person. Indeed I am. My heart can never fit 2 persons at the same time. Whole heartedly faithful to one n only one, all the time.

Today, I finally can say good bye to all the old memories.. Finally able to release myself from the guilty bound.. I can finally  face myself without fear. I think I am ready for a new start and I've cleared up my heart for you. I am ready to love you wholeheartedly. No matter what happens and no matter what kind of relationship we are, I will still love you. Unconditionally.

I dun even care would u love me back or would you even consider accept me. It is not important to me anymore. Because all I want is just to stay by your side. I just want to show my affections to you. You do not have any obligation to respond to my affections. And you are free to love anybody or even be someone's girlfriend. I will fully support you and bless you. Simply because, I indeed love you.
爱一个人不是占有。只要你是幸福的，我就是快乐的。

Jiun, I am falling in love with you.

Today, this run is for you.

You are the motivations that driven me to keep going. I was looking for you in the crowd.. I was running after you, and whenever I found someone who looks like you, I ran and keep up, but when I am near to the person, I realised she is not you. I keep going and looking for you until you told me you had finished the run.. This run is for you. You are the reason for me to hang in there.. Without you, this run is meaningless to me. I am grateful for having you in my life. What else could I still asked for when I already owned so much... I am contented with you.

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!

I've never been so excited about my birthday before.
This year probably is the best birthday that i ever had!

All the while, i just treat 2 nov as any usual day after my 21st birthday, because nothing much will change on this particular day also. no lover, no dating, nothing. so is just a normal day to me. This year, i did dress up, buy new suit, style my hair and kept watching my watch.. because i have a date! hmmm.. not that lover kind of date, but with my special one. I was really looking forward to this date and i am so so so happy to spend this day with her, although is one day before the exact date. i did have a lot's of fun! so many random ppl sang birthday song for me~ drank my first pure liquor in my 24 years of life~ first try on long island tea~ and so many polaroid!!! I am so happy and contented! what else could i still ask for when i already owned so much? I appreciate all the small little efforts and time we spent together..

particularly i enjoy talking to you about random stuff~ hearing your past, sharing my past~ get to know you more.. i really very happy. i hope you will sneak into my dream again tonight. then i may wake up with bliss and smile on my face. really love the pendant. it meant so much to me. it state my wish also.

Raku - 楽

secretly i made my small little wish in my heart... this time, i really hope it will come true...
not that i am not brave enough to tell you how much i treasure you and appreciate you... may b the timing isn't right yet. if i am still surviving on sun. i will give a try. at most i fail again. but at least i tried. i dun wan to regret myself anymore.. running out of time...

i think i kinda fell in love with you....

another hectic day... project project project... endless project after project...
i thought my part has done already.. didn't know that my team has a free rider who only know how to talk but don't know how to do... kinda suey... at the end, i think i am so screwed.... need to do so many stuff... haiz... fate sia....

was having fever again, then i stupid stupid go n drink 猪肚汤, end up the fever suddenly shoot up. thought i will be too weak to go running, but at the end i still go coz u wanted to go. today ran shorter distance, but my body kind of getting used to it already. not so suffocate after the run and finally can drink some water after run. good good~ with this state, i should b able to finish the run without faint. jiayou jiayou~~~

just now on the way back to my room after the project meeting, i still saw a lot of ppl camping at reading room.. it's 2.30am.. i feel so guilty sia... i slept ard 12 everyday... slept my grades away~ hahaha... i never know NUS residence life is so crazy until today..

finally is nov~~~ last strike for survival!!!

Phew~~ I still survived! Never been running so intense ever since I quit dragonboat. Glad that I still survived and I can see my improvement each day after the run. Muscle aches, but I still hang in there... I know this is so trivial to many ppl, but to me is a huge challenge.. Mental challenge to b exact... Glad that I have you as my motivation and motivator. Because u never give up, I dun dare to give up during the gym..haha.. Thanks for giving me confidence and convince me that I will b able to complete the run on sun. I will try my best.

Although I am having fever, but I think I can manage it. It is not severe, So should b fine.. Hopefully I can still run tmr and may b tmr is the last training that I have before the run...

Thx for running with me.

run

today i went for a run.. after so many years, i finally run again.

i have to admit that i am really old ady... just a 10 minutes run make me fatigue and couldn't breath. what a shame to myself.. then i forgotten all the stuff i learnt in dragon boat. din do my warming up, drink water after run, face down and breath.. all the prohibited stuff. lol... i ended up vomit in toilet because drank water after run.

been too long since the last time i exercise... actually i kinda wanna ask myself, why am i doing this to myself? mentally is not really prepared for the 10km run in 6 days time. then i still wan to try it. at least convince myself i can do it. so i did put in my effort to try whether is it possible for me to make it. people may look down on me, but at least i should honour myself in any circumstances. honour my decision and never regret.

just now kena scolded for mentally weak. lol... i deserved it. i should kept telling myself, i wun die. i cannot die yet. so just take it and continue. mental must be stronger than physical. coz it is the control centre for the body. so i must not defeated by myself. jiayou. i can do it!

afternoon i went to shop for my D&D suit. i kinda dislike the salesperson at bugis junction. may b i looks like a student, so they dun even wan to entertain me. i wan to try on the shirt, but just that no one is entertaining me, so i just walk away. then i went to bugis street. totally different scene, ppl there so enthu and kept asking me to try on although they knew the smallest size wun fit me since it is man's size. i kinda easy to persuade de ppl also. i spent so much on unnecessary shirt just because the shirt fits me. lol... i think this is the second time i buy man's outfit. although i dress up like butch, i never own any men's attire. all my shirt are still ladies outfit. hmmm.... may b this will be the last time also. coz i dun really like it. haha.. overspent so much today, i think i gonna eat air or instant noodles for the rest of nov ady...

i'm gonna run again tmr. hopefully i wun wake up with muscle ache since i didn't do my cooling down properly.. =P

如果到现在你都还没察觉我的用心，我是不是太失败了。。。

又破记录了。今天一整天只吃了一餐brunch。。还有一片蛋糕。我真的太神了。。。现在肚子饿，只能睡觉去。。

Second consecutive night with insanity.. Basically I am sleeping in the morning and working on assignment in the night. Thus, no insomnia coz when I sleep, my brain is already malfunction..

Right before 1am I am still energetic. But near to 2am, I am toasted.. Brain begins to feel suffocating and backache. However, my stupid brain tend to be more productive in cool and quiet environment. Especially midnight... Gosh... Damn bad for health... I definitely will fall sick if I continue to sleep at this late. Life!? Where is my life?!?!

If you ever care about me, would you just stop for me for a second? Just stay with me... How much I wish you would understand how I feel... But I always end up disappointed because I know I can never step into your heart. 

24 Oct 2013

Sometimes it is nice to have ppl to celebrate some special occasion with you, especially when you are alone with no one else around. I always celebrate 24 Oct. Every year since the year I met yingsze. Never miss any year. However, we lost contact since 2009.. So actually every year I am actually celebrating the special day with no one. Then when I became a mentor in TPIS, I have this mentee who having birthday on the same day with yingsze. Then since that I always remember her birthday and celebrate with her. Sometime I think if I never met this mentee, I might always feeling sad and sorrow on 24 Oct just like before. But now on 24 oct, I am actually celebrating her birthday, n she is celebrating my birthday since our birthday is only few days apart. Kinda happening.. Furthermore it is good to talk with ppl outside my current situation. Change my view and talks about non academic related stuff.. Hear Different perspective from different people, then I can  kind of escape from reality for a while.. Relief from stress for a while.

I did dress up abit today. Not just because I am celebrating her birthday, but actually they accompany me to celebrate my birthday. Kinda wan to see you, at least let u see May b a bit of good side of me... Is okay... U r busy. I can understand.. Will have plenty of chance in future. 

Actually I old ady, birthday doesn't really important to me. It is just another normal day to me. But I still feeling happy because i know ppl still put me in their mind... Really appreciate all the small gesture and kindness... 

Drunk from eating hotpot... I win liao lo.... 

Drunk. This is how I end my 24 Oct 2013...

It is ok if all these r just mirage.. As long as I can still enjoy the moments with you, I dun care..

This morning I am struggling.. Should I go or I shouldn't? How I am going to hide the sorrow I am having right now? How am I going to pretend like nothing had happened after u rejected me for forth times?

I am glad that I still go out with you. I think I did a good job on hiding my feelings.. As far as I can sense, u didn't notice anything at all. Which is good. No awkward moments. Furthermore, early in the morning, my brain kinda still sleeping. So my sleepy face does cover up a bit too..

Food hunt is fun~ enjoyed nice food and a nice tea. But I enjoy more in talking to you n get to know more about u.. Well.. I dun wan to pressure you. I know when you r ready to tell me, you will. If u choose not to tell me, I honor your decision.

Your smile is a beautiful scenery. I enjoy watching you smile. It is beautiful, if u don't know it yet. I can't denied that your smile indeed attracts me. I wish I can b the reason for your smile, although I know u will never belongs to me.. I know I can only be your friend.. No matter how much I try...

It is ok. I dun care about it anymore. As long as you stop avoiding me and I still have the chance to stay by your side. I dun care. Nothing is important to me..

every time you do this to me and what i can do is just suck it up, pick myself up and move on... i dun even have the chance to confess nor confront with you.. that's what you always do to me.. i always think you are my last. n i really meant it. yet this isn't going to work out doesn't it... i never had any chance. i knew it from the start. u rejected me 3 times, and today the forth times. well.... may b i am just thinking too much.. care too much.. and spent too much time with you... it's hard for me.. well.... you will never understand it.. as ning always said, relationship isn't everything in life. so just move on.. although i still have some feeling on you, but is ok.. i can handle it. it going to be painful, but i will be alright. no time to dwell on it.. thanks for all the kindness... thanks for the short happiness that you gave me.. i understand all the false hope is myself.. u never meant anything from the beginning. never...

How much I wish I can see you today, yet you are pushing me away for many many reasons... I was really looking forward to your reaction on my new hairs, but is ok.. Will have chance...

I am glad that you share with me and allows me to b part of ur food hunt.. Really can see how excited u r.. Good good~~ let's looking forward to it..

Brain isn't working after traveling.. Good night world..

或许此刻我真的该说服自己看清现实。。痴心妄想，在没有可能会有等于我们的我和你之间浮沉。到最后只会换来一句，what do you want?

我特意拉开自己与你的距离，对你不说的事充耳不闻，视而不见。使我无法察觉你的不安，更无法对你无微不至。。
我多余的关心，是你所不需要的吧～

负担。
我的关心只是多余的负担。
对你的担心，也是多余的吧。。