every year around this period i am always down...
how many years since the last time i laugh sincerely from my heart?
how long did i really celebrate my birthday with joy?..
i dun remember... cant recall......
i cried. i dunno is because of the drama or is because of my heart is so painful...
drama is just an excuse...
the sorrow that i hid, came back to me....
overflow me...
overpowered me....
i cried.... from the deepest, darkest side of my heart....
why are u still torturing me?....
how do i live my life from now on?....
Monday, October 29, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
万事互相效力，叫爱神的人得益处
well... today i learnt new lesson from my detest poly lecturer...
i think my mindset isn't right. but i refuse to face it coz i still innocent enough to think that i still able to slack and last minute will still works for uni just like what i did in poly. (although i didn't slack in poly at all).. just that kind of innocent thought. then when time goes by, i realise is harder and harder to catch up, my body just refuse to chiong anymore and just gave up without even trying.
this lecturer is the one that always has prejudice against me. he is bias to bright student and dun even bother to answer my question. so i hate him so much...
today i saw him in canteen of my school. then i wish so much that he dun see me and walk away... who knows he saw me and share table with me.. i was like... doom.... then he say, "why are u here?" .... obviously i am student right? cant he tell? "study lo~ why are u here then?" "I'm doing master here." i was like... i can feel my jaws fall to the ground... then he say he is nus alumni summore. and talk a lot about the teaching and study styles in nus... then he analyse to me that why nus is so tough as compare to other uni in sg. coz of the ranking. in order to maintain the world ranking, the student produces by the sch must be on certain quality. so it cant be simple, it cant portrait the quality of the student. and in order to have high quality student, the studies must be hard. what make a NUS graduates stand out among the others is how knowledgable and how easy the nus grads can solve a difficult problem as compare to the rest.. higher the competition, higher the quality. my lab TA is actually my TP senior. so surprise. he proves to me that poly grads is not inferior than JC, what make the difference? JC student are strong in math and literature, but we poly grads also have our strength. what make the difference? why china and vietnam student can perform better than us although they facing language barrier, what make the difference?? your competitor does not have 25 hours a day, does not have 2 brains, they are just another normal human being, just like you. you face difficulties, they face the same difficulties too. why they can surpass the challenge, why cant you??
i cant denied that, he is saying the truth. i totally agree to that. if i want an easy degree, i can choose to go to other uni, but i choose NUS because i know how valuable is the cert after 4 years. i choose this path isn't it? what make me lost my initial passion and faith to conquer this degree? just because of these small and minor threats and i admit defeated?? this is not me. i have to accept the truth that i am no longer kids, i'm no longer under the big umbrella of protection anymore. is the time to face my failure and pick myself up. if i dun do it myself, nobody would. if i choose to fail myself, no one can help me.
although i hate him, but i have to thank him very much. he did make my sense come back when i am at the edge of giving up.
i think my mindset isn't right. but i refuse to face it coz i still innocent enough to think that i still able to slack and last minute will still works for uni just like what i did in poly. (although i didn't slack in poly at all).. just that kind of innocent thought. then when time goes by, i realise is harder and harder to catch up, my body just refuse to chiong anymore and just gave up without even trying.
this lecturer is the one that always has prejudice against me. he is bias to bright student and dun even bother to answer my question. so i hate him so much...
today i saw him in canteen of my school. then i wish so much that he dun see me and walk away... who knows he saw me and share table with me.. i was like... doom.... then he say, "why are u here?" .... obviously i am student right? cant he tell? "study lo~ why are u here then?" "I'm doing master here." i was like... i can feel my jaws fall to the ground... then he say he is nus alumni summore. and talk a lot about the teaching and study styles in nus... then he analyse to me that why nus is so tough as compare to other uni in sg. coz of the ranking. in order to maintain the world ranking, the student produces by the sch must be on certain quality. so it cant be simple, it cant portrait the quality of the student. and in order to have high quality student, the studies must be hard. what make a NUS graduates stand out among the others is how knowledgable and how easy the nus grads can solve a difficult problem as compare to the rest.. higher the competition, higher the quality. my lab TA is actually my TP senior. so surprise. he proves to me that poly grads is not inferior than JC, what make the difference? JC student are strong in math and literature, but we poly grads also have our strength. what make the difference? why china and vietnam student can perform better than us although they facing language barrier, what make the difference?? your competitor does not have 25 hours a day, does not have 2 brains, they are just another normal human being, just like you. you face difficulties, they face the same difficulties too. why they can surpass the challenge, why cant you??
i cant denied that, he is saying the truth. i totally agree to that. if i want an easy degree, i can choose to go to other uni, but i choose NUS because i know how valuable is the cert after 4 years. i choose this path isn't it? what make me lost my initial passion and faith to conquer this degree? just because of these small and minor threats and i admit defeated?? this is not me. i have to accept the truth that i am no longer kids, i'm no longer under the big umbrella of protection anymore. is the time to face my failure and pick myself up. if i dun do it myself, nobody would. if i choose to fail myself, no one can help me.
although i hate him, but i have to thank him very much. he did make my sense come back when i am at the edge of giving up.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
m i still consider living? i cant even feel my existence...
i dunno what happened to me.. so tired and annoyed by everything... i thought i am ok and i thought i had caught a glimpse of uni life management skill... but i think i failed badly...
failure once is accident, failure twice is coincident, failure 3 times is human fault.
i am sure all these is my fault... cause i am really big failure here... may b programming is really not my strength, but i kept hold on to it... WHY? what i like is not what i good at. i thought i have the passion to overcome everything. why effort and workdone is never equal? 事倍功半了吗？
i really think depression is so near to me...
yesterday was doing research for depression, then saw the symptoms. is like i got 4 out of 5. the last one is i havent feel i am worthless. but today... i did everything i could and i still fail my test. i did improve all my error from previous failure, but i still fail. what is wrong with me???? kind of lost faith in everything i do.... feel so weak and useless...
nothing is as easy as give up...
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
我好不容易终于定下决心，决定不回头了，为什么偏偏这种时候找我？
伤过了，痛醒了，就连喜欢是什么都不知道了。。。
今天大头突然跟我说，晚上找我出去吃饭唱歌。可是我这个星期有考试，所以不是很想出去。然后她就说，“我有女朋友了！想带给你看看。然后她的朋友也是单身，想找个伴。。”其实我第一个反应是，“哦。”没有特别想去的冲动，也不想去。更应该说是我已经害怕受伤了。与其一次次让自己片体鳞伤的回来，不如不要踏出这冒险的一步，回头不是更好吗？ 说真的，我真的累了。没有力气再让自己付出，更没有勇气喜欢别人。
这个星期五考数学，其实本来我已经放弃了，可是就是不甘心。。不想retake任何科目。就算必死无疑也要撑过pass。所以上个星期有回居銮，就找璎持出来救命。我的策略是专攻其中两个chapter，其他的不会就算了。至少不会交白卷。
我觉得这次我成长了许多。或许以前是我从没放弃，所以每次见面都是折磨，但这次见面我竟然完全没感觉。难得的释怀。就好像很久没见的朋友一样，竟然可以聊天了！是我的改变她终于看到了吗？还是我的决心终于有成效了吗？我好像突然间不想再作les了。没感觉了？我不敢说，但是我觉得我已经可以平常心地面对她了。没有冲动，没有假想。就是朋友一样。仿佛就好像回到刚刚认识她的时候，那种单纯的关心。我觉得唯一没变的是，“知我者莫若璎持也～” 过了那么久，她依然是我心里最了解我的人。虽然很久都没联络，但是那种沉默就能传达意思的默契，依然存在。
天蝎座不需要很多朋友，知己一两个就足够了。
今天一直泻肚子。是喝太多橙汁了吗？
伤过了，痛醒了，就连喜欢是什么都不知道了。。。
今天大头突然跟我说，晚上找我出去吃饭唱歌。可是我这个星期有考试，所以不是很想出去。然后她就说，“我有女朋友了！想带给你看看。然后她的朋友也是单身，想找个伴。。”其实我第一个反应是，“哦。”没有特别想去的冲动，也不想去。更应该说是我已经害怕受伤了。与其一次次让自己片体鳞伤的回来，不如不要踏出这冒险的一步，回头不是更好吗？ 说真的，我真的累了。没有力气再让自己付出，更没有勇气喜欢别人。
这个星期五考数学，其实本来我已经放弃了，可是就是不甘心。。不想retake任何科目。就算必死无疑也要撑过pass。所以上个星期有回居銮，就找璎持出来救命。我的策略是专攻其中两个chapter，其他的不会就算了。至少不会交白卷。
我觉得这次我成长了许多。或许以前是我从没放弃，所以每次见面都是折磨，但这次见面我竟然完全没感觉。难得的释怀。就好像很久没见的朋友一样，竟然可以聊天了！是我的改变她终于看到了吗？还是我的决心终于有成效了吗？我好像突然间不想再作les了。没感觉了？我不敢说，但是我觉得我已经可以平常心地面对她了。没有冲动，没有假想。就是朋友一样。仿佛就好像回到刚刚认识她的时候，那种单纯的关心。我觉得唯一没变的是，“知我者莫若璎持也～” 过了那么久，她依然是我心里最了解我的人。虽然很久都没联络，但是那种沉默就能传达意思的默契，依然存在。
天蝎座不需要很多朋友，知己一两个就足够了。
今天一直泻肚子。是喝太多橙汁了吗？
i think depression is not far from me ady...
recently kept seeing the signboard regarding depression. one of it really fits my situation.
"I don't feel like (i can do anything) going to work (is just pointless)."
I had that feeling for whole week of week 5. really depressing.. no matter how much effort i put into maths, it just didn't change anything.. *sigh....
attitude? mindset? i dun understand... there r things that are beyond my control... no matter how hard i tried, it just does not have any improvement... i'm kind of lost faith in "practice make perfect" ady... efforts is just useless...
i shall stop now. shall stop all the nonsense that i am saying now coz my mood is super bad now.
first day after term break yet so hectic...
kill me please....
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