其实经过上次的初步报告，我觉得我有遗传Thalassemia，可是没做过深入的检查。这个星期我晕的次数太频密，缺氧的情况越来越严重，轮不到我不小心注意，因为真的太危险了。虽然症状和防范措施我都知道，但能做的我都做了，情况还是没改善。。。说真的，这次我真的很怕。。如果我就这样倒下，会怎样？我身上的负担该怎么办？。。以前我可以不顾一切，现在我不能。以前我的世界只围绕一个人转，现在围绕家人而转。。要顾虑的太多。。我真的怕。。下一秒我会不会就这样倒下，我自己都没把握。。

如果你还在，我现在是不是不会那么孤单？会不会像现在那么无助，害怕面对？

或许，你永远也不会知道。。因为我已经算不上是你的朋友了。对一个陌生人，“关心”也是多余的吧。。

phew... finally....

recently my schedule is really very very pack... full of admission stuff.. First of all, i had moved back to sg and currently settling down at "Clementi" actually is Bukit Timah to be exact.. Anyway, i think as long as i stay at west side, any place is fine with me, so i din bother much.. So last week and this week i was like 搬家工人.. moving my luggages from m'sia all the way to sg... n coz the house doesn't have landlord, so is a big mess all around... aiyoyo~~~~ spend almost everyday to clean up a bit n a bit of the house. the worst place in the house is the toilet.. really cannot take it... too disgusting liao.... n need to use it everyday... wa.... i almost fainted the first day i visit the house... @.@ the craziest thing i do this week is stay awake until 4am to wash the toilet. coz i put the bleach tablet in the toilet bowl, then they flush it away... = =" waste my tablet sia...

then this week like everyday need to go to sch. everyday different things need to settle. aiyo... why poly not so troublesome n now everything i need to do myself leh?.. i still have ezlink card havent do n 1 course havent waive. arrrrr...

tues i went to do my registration, then i am so stupid. i didn't prepare anything n just went. on the way i just open my booklet n read, then i realised i got so many paperworks need to prepare.... i dun have printer summore.... T-T then sms some of my NUS friends and run here and there to get the paperworks done.. omg... damn shaggggggg....

wed morning need to go for medical checkup and do my GIRO. so wake up early in the morning, dash to sch for medical checkup and endless wait wait wait.... after like 1.5 hours, then went to DBS bank at NUS, n wait wait wait n wait to get a signature done.... = =" i waited for 2 hours... solid 2 hours. hell yeah.... then the officer just sign n give back to me in 30 seconds. nice~~ afternoon went to sign loan with my parents at NUS.. then bring them to my new place to visit. LOL... my dad said this place is better then previous one... LOL....

i am damn shagg today.. finally have some time to write blog, but i think my mind and body is under too much stress, i am so exhausted and suffocate.. i really have no idea what happen to my body. like very hard to breath even if i breath as usual... m i dying?? = ="

so i just sleep thru the day and now i'm still feeling dizzy.. need to adjust my life back to sg style... 4 months is really too long....

welcome back~

wow... KL is an awesome place~ full of surprises and madness!!!!

today v went to a few places n do crazy things~~ firstly we woke up late, supposed to wake up by 10am and go dim sum, but then v both too lazy, so wake up ard 11 and went udon instead. then got into traffic jam, damn hungry~~~ then lost our way too~ LOL... but eventually v found my cousin's udon shop, quite nice =D

then v head straight to genting after lunch.. this is super crazy... i never thought she will drive up to genting, i always thought she will take bus or cab with me to go up.. LOL... we initially using GPS, but the gps like kisiao one, dunno lead us to where... then v follow instint n lost our way~ LOL... then follow gps again, hahaha... finally reaches genting n realised the starbucks there is renovating... ==" so we went walk walk and high tea at coffee beans instead =) i love the earl grey there!! very nice!! must buy the tea bag when i go next time.. i longs to visit genting since 3 years ago, but nobody want to go with me.. so when christine said she want to go genting with me, i was so happy n excited!! the journey go up is tough n it hurt the car a lot for a trip to genting.. i feel so bad... but i am really like a kid when v reach genting~ cold cold~~~ hahahaha... really like the weather =) expecially when i saw smoke coming from my mouth xD really enjoy the time at genting~~~

then after v came down, we went to eat bak kut teh, very nice one~ but before that is another round of crazy traffic jam. but nvm~ the scenary is nice~ i saw rainbow!! a full semicircle rainbow~ n the sky looks very nice too!! i love the te ka cho~ authentic taste =P

after dinner we went to buy movie ticket, midnight o!!! super excited~ my dad never allow me to watch midnight movie other than CNY first nite.. haiz... so i am super excited~~~ then while waiting for the time to pass, v went to a pub n drink~ i had a bit of motion sickness from genting, so i just order virgin mojito. hmmmm... unexpected spicy~~ coz of the pepermint leaves, but overall still taste quite good!

finally is the movie~~~~ batman!!! super long, but super nice!! love it to the max =D but the cinema is damn cold.. i was like freeze into ice cube already... n my knees cant get enough blood circulation, so after the movie i was like handicap... =( after the movie is already 3.20am. what an exciting and crazy day!!! I love my trip~~ I love my sista, christine~~ =D

wow... KL change a lot since the last time i came.....

today is another adventure for me.. alone at KL... i never come to KL alone before, so i was very scared... expecially when i dun even know bus terminal had changed from pudu to TBS... then dunno where to take lrt... so many ppl... scared will meet thief or robber... scary KL...

then luckily i got a map from aishan... thanks to her detail map n i arrives in one piece when christine came to fetch me. then i met the wellknown "traffic jam of KL". really scary sia... if i am the driver, i'd gone mad...

then v went to sunway pyramid. tons of interesting stuff, but is just like another ion orchard to me... hmmm.... too similar liao.... n saw ice skating~ wow... got so many pro r training there... damn cool!! then i shopping n shopping... dunno where my money gone to... hmmmmmm....

went to eat dinner with christine n her friend, after that went to watch futsal... an interesting day, but my legs pain like almost break into half... hmmm... tired....

if i knew we would end up in this state..

keep challenging myself. i noe i wouldn't b able to take it.. i noe i cant withstand the temptation.. coz i am the devil of myself....

end up in this state.. not even friend... is more like worst than stranger... what did i get in the end?... Karma...
i can only watching u from far and couldn't talk to you as friend anymore...

i still hate myself. u don't need to go thru all these pain caused by me, i am the culprit.

tired and tired.. both mental and physical.. i need a break, i need a new start... everything should start over or end right now..

please allow me to RIP.

不想触碰的记忆，一碰就心碎。。。花了好久好不容易把破碎的心拾起来，可是它又经不起自责，再一次碎了一地。。。

i cant... no matter how much i tried, i cant...

i need to change my focus. i need to concentrate on something else.

the pain is killing me...

怎么又吐了。。。今天是第几次了？被胃痛折磨得不像人了。。。吃了药还是这样没起色，到底要怎样才可以不要那么压力。。。要瘦到什么程度才甘愿？

if i could express how i feel, i would do so...but the prob is,i cant...

today i went for my math tuition.. i overslept, so is a bit rushing for me to go down. then i was very nervous n scared... i dunno the reason, just very panic... i think this is the cause of my nausea...

this route... so familiar yet so stranger to me now...

i'm not in condition today... i tried to withstand the nausea, but then i really couldn't take it anymore... went to washroom n vomit.... dare not tell u anything.. but i was really not feeling well... my brain is totally blank. n i am really weak after vomit... i noe u r angry with my attitude, but i wasn't do in on purpose... i'm sorry.. 
i couldn't control... tears running from my eyes after u left. i am frustrated with myself. i am such a failure.... waste ur time again n again to teach me,the big idiot of math.. i am stress. really stress with the test n unpredictable uni life... i could't go home... i cant let my parents saw this pathetic state of me... i texted manni n suning but nobody is free to lend me a shoulder... suning's grandmum passed away, so i go there accompany her. she din cry, i did. i just couldn't stand anymore... yet no one really understand... i did my best already... i want to b strong, but this is too much for me to bear...

u used to b my strongest stronghold when i need support... now i have no one to b there for me... there is no one like u who understand me more than anyone else. even if i dun say, u can still sense my pain... after so many years, i still couldn't find anyone who can replace ur role in my heart...

my soulmate.... can u b my shelter again？.... i need a place to hang my heart....

temptation?.. or a test?...

I cant give myself any answer yet.. coz i thought i had buried all the memoies and walk away. but what i feel now, is tons of sorrow...

i think i'm fine... really think i can handle it. n i trust myself that i can cover it. but the only thing that i couldn't sure is how good i perform. i dun wan to disappoint u anymore..

i'm sad.. only because i still hope v could be friends.. best friends.. or even sista... but now, i think v still have a long way to go... this is not easy, but i'll show u my effort...

3 years already... are we friend yet?...

又失眠了~太在乎反而失去的越快。。

你也在害怕我对吧。。。
我明白，也知道该怎么做。
不会再让一切重演 。
不会让你再次经历这一切。。

藏在心里更长久。
谢谢你的坚强。

are we friend yet?

从上个星期开始就一直胃痛，什么也吃不下。。我以为我是食物中毒，原来不是啊。。


今天又有这种感觉，什么也吃不下。。我像真的是被我爸爸讲中了。太过压力。
原来见你一面会有那么多的压力啊~~


我无法给自己什么答案。但我只能说，我尽力了。如果这样都还不足够，我已不知道还能够怎么样了。


最近学了一句，“藏在心里更长久，不是吗？” 现在我真的可以深切体会。。
就这样一直在心里就够了。

time flew... it's july...

i am coming back to sg soon.. very soon, in 2 weeks time. but before i go back, i got tons of preparation to do.. first of all is my proficiency test. i need to start working on math start from tmr, so ya... endless hell is coming....

good news about july is i'll get my pay soon =D hope i will get it before thurs, coz i got a date on thurs... 

i dunno what to do actually... temptation... i am really scared that i'll lost her again forever... there is no win-win solution... seriously... i.. really don't know what to to...

july... hell yeah..