trouble sleeping

i'm having trouble sleeping. and therefore eating. Sleeping and eating are directly correlated. I have been sleeping normally, but I do feel that I have trouble sleeping. I sleep as I hit the sack, it'd be a deep content sleep. I love sleeping on my bed. But i feel like I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm creating my own problems again.

I feel uneasy, don't know of what. maybe because I think too much? People tend to think otherwise (that i think too little, or don't think in that sense). I do. I am just unable to articulate them. Its really hard to put what you are thinking in phrases, or in sentences. It makes it all seem so simplified, so banal, so straight. Eternalizing your thoughts is not always a good thing since you change it all the time (well I do, as evident in this blog). But yeah, I feel so uneasy.

Found my old diaries. I've been having questions, I've been uncontent, and questioning since as far as i can remember. Always wanting what I don't have. Its a lifestyle I've chosen maybe? but why? I've been raised to stand on my own. self sufficiency, self sufficiency, self sufficiency. which makes me a control freak. I find it very hard to feel. I think, all right. But feeling is such a fleeting sensation, and therefore impermanent and ever changing. I have been resisting changes the past decade. I THINK I need to be a masochist in order to FEEL. Isn't it just sad. People have been consoling me "You need to learn, you'll find someone who will make you feel, help you feel". How can I let someone help me if I don't FEEL for them in the first place? or even FEEL with them. Being too self sufficient does not help much either. I hate not knowing.

Since I FEEL that I haven't been sleeping well, I also cannot eat well. I have been eating well because I TELL myself to feel well....

Maybe I'm just being hard on myself. Always have been. Its a standard I set for myself, the one that has been set forth for me by everybody else too. It can be excessive sometimes.

Solution? Still can't find it. people say "be content, learn to appreciate". I FEEL like I need to do that, but I THINK that I don't. and head goes in front of heart. so there goes.

taking on jomblohood

being jomblo is fun. tetep aja kangen sama ron and such. tapi kayaknya syl harus belajar untuk be over it. dan syl ngerasa kalo syl gak perlu ron untuk make me feel happy for myself.
being jomblo is fun. sekarang syl ngerasa cowo2 checking me out. and i don't have to feel guilty for it.

kick me when i'm down...

this is probably the most depressed i've been in YEARS... by that i mean mmm 6-7 years.
i broke up with ron after a 3year-1month and 11 days of relationship.
i know that i've made the right decision. that this needs to be done sooner or later, that this should happen. its just so hard. we've had so much together. we've planned so many things together. i felt that we were just gonna stick together for a long long time. but then again, i'm only twenty, everybody felt that way when they were 20, like the guy they're going with is the right person.
i've always looked down on people who cry when they break up, who feel like they can't do anything, when they wanna move away, or just run away from things. this is what i'm feeling now.
its a really long story but i need to justify myself, so when i question myself i can look back at this and say : i've made the right decision... maybe this is the justification i'm giving to myself to console myself. but again, my logic tells me this is the right thing to do.
i've repeated the same mistakes again and again, i've told him, and myself so many times: "i' m sorry i'm hurting you, i'll learn to love you, i'll learn to respect you, i'll learn to care about you" and he beleieves me. he still does, he feels that i can change all those with his help. he beleives that i can change for him, for me. i never do love him. i really care about him, sayang banget sama dia, sayaaang banget. but this is stupid. i really thought i can learn to love him. he provides me with constancy, with care, i know he won't ever lie, he won't hurt me, he won't cheat, that he'll change for me if i need him to. he's such a good guy and i don't understand why that is not enough. i thought "okay syl, this guy is here, he's nice to you, he's good to you, he understands you, he won't hurt you, now go ahead and love him" i thought i was trying, i thought i would love him. i really beleived it too.
the fact that i broke up with him doesn't hurt. what hurts is just he insists on not talking to me, not seeing me, pretending that i don't exist. its really childish, i know, but he told me that this is the only way he can forget me, to move on. he told me that i don't love him the way he does me, and that i should understand. i decide to let go and let him do whatever he needs to do.
i told him that i want to change, i need to change, i need to learn to respect my boyfriend, to accept him, to get hurt, to love. i'm tired of having to think of his feelings, that i'm hurting him. i wanted to understand him, to feel for him, but it gets too tiring. if i had loved him i would have done that voluntarily. this is so bad. it ends really badly.
i told him that we both need to change to make this work. to experience other things and when we're ready and if we're meant for each other we can always get back together. instead, he tries to forget me. "dont call me forever, and have a nice life" was what he said. maybe i should have been more understanding, its not as bad as it sounds. maybe he's just hurt, maybe thats what he needs to do. i'm afraid he'll do something stupid. i really do care about him. gw masih sayang sama dia titik.
what hurts the most was when he dropped boxes and boxes of my stuff that were at his house. i mean BOXES.. my letters since when we were started going out, my pictures that were on his wall, the watch that i gave him, everything. it hurts so much that he feels the need to forget me. i'm learning from this experience though its too prolonged and it shouldn't have happenned this way. i read my letters since the very beginning of our relationship saying that i'll learn to love him, that i'll try to understand him, that i want to try and i need his help. its been three years and i'm still saying the same thing. something is wrong there. something is missing. i can't LEARN to love someone how nice they are to me. how well they make me feel. i just haven't.
i've hurted him so many times. there are times when i was mad and i just had to do what i have to do e.g yell, leave hang up and other stuff. and i feel SOOO BAD right after. i feel like i've hurted him, that he deserves better. i always go back to him saying i'm sorry baby, i'm sorry, i'm gonna change for you, i'll make this up. and he always takes me back. always. i haven't changed and i'm still hurting him. i feel that he can't change me. i can't change for him. i need to learn. he said :"we'll learn together, we'll get okay together, we'll work this out" he has so much faith in me that makes me beleive i can do this too. but i don't wanna do this. i can't keep on thinking i'll change. i hate making him feel sad. i don't want to hurt him. i'm hurting him big time now but i feel that its for the best.
he sounded so cold on the phone. he said he needs to give me more of my stuff. all the little things. my shampoo, my toothbrush, my earrings that i left. everything. i'd rather he throws them away. this is pathetic. i don't even want them. boxes piled on the foot of my bed starring at me saying " what are you gonna do to us, your three years wasted for something you both had created, had clinged on for too long". i was really tempted to go back to him yesterday, saying i'm sorry baby, lets start over, i'll change. its so much more convenient, it'll make things so much better. but that'll be repeating my mistakes over again. i really believe that this is something that should happen. i've been crying for hours. it hurts so bad. it does physically hurt. i've been so alloof telling myself that i won't be hurt ever. i am hurting and this sucks.
i'm hurting him and i'm scared. i'm scared by the prospect that i'll never talk to him again, that i'll lose him. this is my decision in the first place, this is totally a one sided decision, but i'm scared. i was in my comfort zone totally, afraid to edge out.
he's so practical. i've tried explaining to him why i'm breaking up with him. he doesn't understand. it hurts that he doesn't. it hurts to know that he thinks that we're breaking up just because. he does feel that he can change with me. that he can change for me.
its been a very unhealthy relationship from the beginning. i've told myself i'll change i'll change for him i really do care about him. but for once i want to think about no one. i want to think for myself. i want to be happy. its so hard its so hard its so hard.
i was happy with him. i can choose to stay with him, but i'll be uncontent. i'll be wondering how things feel. we are so good together. i swear. my family loves him, he's so good to me. he's a perfect guy for me if i had loved him and if i had met him when i'm older not when i was 17.
we fit each other so well. his lifestyle, his attitude towards things. he keeps me grounded, he keeps me level. he keeps me constant.
i want to say right now baby baby aku sayang sama kamu... don't be sad don't be sad, we'll change and meet again in the future when we're both better people. it sounds foolproof but its soo hard to do i'm not even sure i wanna do it. he said he's happy when i'm happy and that its a shame that he has faith in me but i don't have faith in myself. it hurts. this is so stupid. he doesn't even wanna talk to me.
plus
mom just called. my grampa has a light stroke. life has its ways to kick me when i'm down...

return to normal entry

am at work. totally bored. looking at manual of steel construction, allowable stress design and looking at blueprint of delvalle wtp 10 mgd daf facility. zone 7 water agency's blueprint. great...

I'm a bitch....

I am,i truly am. you don't ever want to be my boyfriend. It sucks. I'll make you squirm inside.

the old news is:

I'm a total bitch...

thoughts on london bombs

It sucks that things like this have to happen again.
First off, i would like to say that I am sorry that this happens, and I am sorry for those who have lost someone or have been hurt.
I just think that the headlines are blown way out of proportion. I know it is awful, i know that a lot of people are suffering because of it.
What I don't agree with is the mentality that since this is a bombing of an industrialised country, the whole world has to grief with them.
think about how many bombs that explode in iraq, in africa where centuries- long kudettas are unavoidable. or sri lanka, a country with reportedly the most numbers of terrorists. every single day during american attacks, hundreds of iraqi civilians are killed and tortured.
sure there are small articles about the bombs and attacks, but there is no report on iraqis who have lost all of his/her family members that anymore death would not make any difference at all...
are we fostering a self centered mentality to make people from industrialised countries think that their lives are more valuable than their less fortunate counterparts??
Medias do not exactly help either. i believe that they magnify things that embed fear within those who read it, making the general public feel that their lives are at stake, and thus making them consent attacks on the suspected terrorist countries.

I don't know what to think of anything anymore.

one of those random diary entries

i just found this diary entry that i wrote on may 14' 05 during the finals week, when i was cramming my wormy brain in the library....its so funny i don't remember feeling what i wrote. but then again i don't remember anything.
so here goes...

i have been smoking too much the past few days, i don't think i'm stressed and its the reason why i smoked... i just did, it feels good it makes me feel guilty, like i know its not supposed to feel good, i'm not supposed to feel better, its the damn chemical that starts to poison me, i don't want to get addicted. i don't think i've ever been addicted to anything, or so i would like to think, i don't understand why i am such a control freak. I think i feel the need to be sure that I know what I am doing and that I can do whatever I want to do. I don't know... I think i'm way too dependent than i would like to be. I know i shouldn't be, i want to venture, i dont' even have a friend to go backpacking with, really wanna go. I know that when "I graduate I won't be able to go, that i would have to go look for a job and start thinking of the future, whether that is career development or settling down. damn citizenship and its disadvantages. i think the only time i'm proud of being indonesian is when people think im ethnically educated. i'm not though. i know i was a part of a community but the community i was in was damn well not how the rest of the country was. i want to feel like that, but i guess i'm way too used to what i have now. I hate taking things for granted. It is very banal, i know, but i hate it, i do'nt know how else to act or think.

People keep on saying that we shouldn't take things for granted. how the hell is that possible? you get used to the simplest fact that say... you have an index finger to pick your nose with, but you don't necessarily feel grateful that you do after you pick your nose... its weird. people say that they don't take things for granted. they must be busy feeling grateful all the time. or maybe they just don't function at all.

I know i sound spiteful, maybe i'm trying to be, i'm just procrastinating i know. I feel lonely lately because i have been hanging out with ron all the time and I feel bad when someone does ask me to go out. I feel bad I'm leaving him alone. I know i shouldn't feel this way, i'm retarded. I hope i can adjust well this time. I'm excited though because soon I would start working and that means I can go shopping for elegant clothes, meaning: things that i do not currenlty have.

oh man this is going to be one of those coming of age passage. i hate those books like 'the secret lives of bees' by sue monk kidd that I read. I feel that its so fake written by old lady and all... i feel that the bitterness in those books are fake. i know i sound spitefull and all-- just like they do. maybe i want to sound spiteful? that is so confusing. i hate sounding spiteful. i want to sound happy all the time. and here i am again thinking why the hell do i try to please everybody?? everybody but ron that is. poor guy he has been through so much, he still keeps up though and i try to be happy with him. maybe its just a weird way of making myself think that he is mine and that he will never leave. i've tested him enough though i swear.