Dying. Exactly my point.
I think ultimately, after much reflection, this is what I'm really scared of. The tears and heavy heart moments these days all stem from this. All because I'm terrified. I just can't come to terms with it.

I'm gna be really honest. I know it's a natural process and everyone has to go through it. Just a matter of when. But I really don't even want to try to picture life without you and your family. You guys have been like the best best bestest people to me, and the last thing I'd want is to see any one of you in any sort of pain. I know the emotional trauma that comes in the process. You guys are like my family. It's so horrible seeing all these. And it's even more horrible to know that I'm not strong enough to give you faith in such times. Perhaps that's why I think it'd be better if I distant myself and not dampen your spirits with my negativity.

But now it feels like all the more I should be there for you. You'd like that. Forgive whatever I've done, however immature and mean I might've been to you. I guess sometimes my words and my actions do upset you quite a bit. And I know I've neglected you, for the amount of love you've been showing me. Now I should just keep faith by praying, praying that all these will go away in time and true joy will surface.

It's hard, but let's do it together. (L)

Good morning, and happy 16th :)

Woke up with a really really heavy heart. This horrible sinking feeling that I know will be with me for the rest of the day. As I'm typing this I'm seating at the backseat of a bus, with this terrible urge to cry. Really dunno what the issue is, just want to cry it all out.

Gah looks like I only blog when I'm upset. :(

Perhaps I'm just feeling so damn insecure about it. Logically, it wasn't your fault at all. And I guess some part of me knows that. I'm just afraid, afraid that if I followed my heart and do what I want to do, I'll be digging a grave for myself. And it doesn't make things better that I've always felt that compared to you, I mean nothing. Wasnt that what sparked the Desire issue anyway?

But I should take a chance. And build a safety net in the meantime. Because if it were to happen it would. Whenever, however, wherever, whoever.

Haha, sound so easy.
This could be the start or the end of it all.

But in all honesty, what's mine to you?

Am in a horrible state of mind right now, so pardon the melodrama if any. And I've decided to blog about it. Just as how you need to share such perfect stories with the world, I need to vent my bottled up anger the same way. Should stop spamming twitter timeline anyway.

The opportune chancing upon that has spoilt my entire evening terribly. Can't exactly pin-point how, but seriously this suck so bad. And crying in the middle of Clarke Quay whilst watching a Timbre performance at the front seat isn't the most glamorous thing for anyone. All the stares. But i really couldnt help it. Thank God for my girls. Felt much better afterwards. But those words really hit me on my raw nerve. I've never felt secured about the issue. And it has to be you. It leaves me wondering what do you want out of it? What do you want to achieve really?

I hope you could reflect on the status of things right now. It's different from whatever shit period you were living in. Right now there are implications. Other people are involved. If I could I'd personally get rid of everything else forever, but I can't, and so I'll gladly appreciate it if you stfu and stop this shit. Yes, it is your right and free speech and choice media and what not. But I'm talking about thinking in other people's pov here. I respect memories, but I don't see why you gotta abuse that by using it to hurt another. Because if you have the slightest sensitivity, you would know how not to put such things on a public domain because it'll make other people who're involved feel so damn uncomfortable, and cause so much pain.

But yes on a side note, I felt freaking horrible. I really have no idea why. Perhaps I'm in a dilemma, at a loss of what to do. Perhaps I dunno what to expect, I dunno what to do to get the best outcome. All I could do was to cry and cry and cry. Without making a sound. I was scared, but yet there's another part of me assuring myself that it was all unnecessary. I had more faith, but now everything's tumbling over. Hate this emotional mess I am. And it doesnt help that I dont know who I can talk to about this. So damn helpless. Noone's around.

But now I don't feel like speaking of this any longer. Perhaps burying it in the depths will do us all good.