Okay so today is one of the rare days when I feel nostalgic and just.. Sad. So much has changed in a year and if you told me a year ago that things would turn out this way at the end of the year, I wouldn't have believed it. I guess that's my problem.. I am naive and I live too much in the moment, so much so that I am easily blinded by emotions that cloud my judgment. I believe that people in my life are ever constant. But that's not how life is isn't it - people change and circumstances change, whether we like it or not. That's why friends drift apart, couples break up and loved ones pass away. Sad as it is, life is never dull or stagnant. Life is exciting and full or surprises. I have tried so hard to forget about the bad things that have happened this year. But sometimes when I have nothing else to do or to occupy myself with, I find myself thinking of happier memories, when I was so innocently happy and contented with simple things.

I turned 21 in November this year. If I dare say so, I am much wiser, stronger and less naive as before. And even though 2010 hasn't always been pleasant, I am thankful for the memories- both good and bad. I am an adult now, in so many ways.

Here's to hoping that 2011 will be a better year.

<3

I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory
Will last for eternity
And all of our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I've found my way
Back to your arms again
But until that day

You know you will always have
A special place in my heart

Its ironic that the person who makes me feel the worst is my dad - my father, the person who is supposed to care for me, encourage me and make me feel like I am indeed worth something. Instead, he yells at me, insults me and says that i'm 'rotten inside with no redeeming qualities'. and that its no wonder my past relationships didnt work out because ambrose and brinden could see right through me and they saw what a rotten person i am inside? seriously? on the contrary, i thought that i treated them as well as i could. which was kinda stupid of me honestly. and he knows nothing about my past relationships. NOTHING. ZILCH. so what right does he have to pass judgement?

from now on, i'm going to be fucking selfish and place myself above others. we all have to be selfish. "you either kill, or be killed".

Maybe its true. maybe i am a fucked up person inside with no redeeming qualities. people come and go anyway.

You don't fucking treat me like your last priority and then expect me to come running back to you as and when you want me to.

Sometimes when you walk pass a billboard or when you glance at a brochure, and you see these photographs of perfect families? With the parents gazing lovingly at their newborn baby and you think to yourself, "I'd love to be like that some day. To be able to experience the joy that they're feeling right now." Of course, that's an ideal situation. And a perfect family can only be achieved by marrying a perfect guy, someone who shares the same beliefs and ideals as you. But then again, how do you ever know who is the perfect guy for you? Or do we naively coax ourselves into thinking that our present boyfriend is the perfect one and when we find out that he is indeed not 'the one', it's already way too late?

Then I watch shows like Sex And The City or read columns in the "Life" section of the newspaper. For eg Sumiko Tan. She's a journalist, in her fourties (I think), and she still lives with her mother in an apartment. And I think to myself, "That's not too bad as well." The idea of an independent, single, career- driven woman seems strangely appealing too.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, marrying 'the one' and starting a family seems to be the ideal in our society. But that's only if you marry the perfect guy for you. And I'm not talking about the guy with the best looks or with the largest trust fund. I'm talking about the guy who knows you inside out, someone who complements your character perfectly. Someone whom you'd wanna grow old with. If you can't seem to find the perfect guy for you, no biggie. Being an independent, strong woman is amazing too. Just think about it.

:)

On a side note, I think I might wanna start blogging more regularly after the exams. This blog is way too dead.

I want you

it's useless holding on to something that won't last anyway

Baby

Noone can love me the way you do

PS. It's kinda cute when you get jealous (: