Hope

I'll be the first to admit, there are days when I have no hope.  No hope for this awful disease that my daughters have.  No hope that it will ever get better for them. No hope that there will be a cure in their lifetime.  No hope that they will be accepted by all and not judged.   No hope that I will ever get any sleep. No hope that neither of them will never have complications.  No hope that there will ever be any sense of normalcy around my home.  No hope that the girls will find friends with moms who aren't scared and willing to do sleepovers and birthday parties. No hope that I will ever find anyone (besides my hubby) who can do what needs to be done for the girls.  Some days, I have no hope.  

It's not because I am a "debbie downer".  I am far from it.  The problem is  I am too realistic.

It seems to hit on days when diabetes is the hardest. Like last night when Lovebug had a low blood sugar for over 3 hours. I couldn't get that darn number to go above 60 for anything.  I was beyond frustrated, and tired. (Did I mention that Princess also ended up low....yeah...) I cursed,  I wanted to throw a grown-up temper tantrum.  It's not fair. It's just not fair.  This life is not the life I wanted, and certainly not the life I wanted for the girls.  But it is what it is right?  I was dealt this hand for some reason. I'm not sure I will ever know that reason, which is frustrating in itself.  

When I get like this I have to remind myself that to keep on keeping on, I can't loose Hope.  I can forget about it for a few minutes, to let myself vent, but deep down, If I didn't have hope, what would I have? For me, it's simple.  I would have nothing.  

I have to have Hope. Hope that I will accept our new normal, even 6 years later.  Hope that they will see a cure, even if I don't.   Hope that life will only get better for them. Hope that there will be more understanding for Type 1. Hope that despite all odds they will have no complications. Hope that the girls will find friends whose moms aren't scared and willing to take on just a smidgen of what I do so they can enjoy life.  Hope that some nights, I will actually get some sleep. Hope that there will be (more) friends that come and walk beside us and support us and the girls.  Hope, it's there, some days I just need to remind myself. 

Challenges

Life seems to get more complicated the older the girl gets.  More challenges arise in their care and while I thought it would get easier the older they get, which it is in some ways, it seems to be getting harder.

Perfect example is me trying to be everywhere they are all the time.  I don't always trust others to take care of the girls.  Especially when they are very active or the activity they are participating in is new to them and I don't know how their bodies will react.  Then times this by two...well, it's a bit overwhelming.

I had this all "under control" before little man came along.  I love him to pieces but my thought of helping out with every activity they did has gone to the waist side.  I can't drag little man everywhere. It's like I'm in a rock and a hard spot.  I want the girls to be able to participate in activities outside of school hours but how much control do I let them take and how much do I put on coaches and staff? Should I even trust the coaches and staff?

I love that there is technology out there that is making it a little easier but at the same time, if we don't have the means to set it up, well, it's pointless.  I would love to say that we could get a pebble watch for me and two iphones for the girls to use Dexcom share or set up Night Scout.  Night Scout is kinda big to carry everywhere too, not to conductive to running a 5k and keeping an eye on blood sugars.

We will rise to the challenge of figuring it all out. Seriously though, I wish we didn't have to.   Diabetes alone is enough, trying to rely on others to take as good a care of the girls is another thing.  I really wish we could just drop them off and not worry.  Being that they are in 3rd and 4th grade, that is too much to put all on them and I dread putting it all on coaches and staff.

That being said, it's what life is for us. Nothing is simple anymore and it never will be. We just need the strength to persevere through it. Which some days, is easier said than done.

Heather