Postpartum depression

I feel wonderful.  I feel happy.  In fact, these last five months have been the best of my life.  I have always felt like I could take care of my baby.  Of course there have been a couple of minor lack-of-self-confidence moments but these were mostly about my not being able to be a really great mom rather than an adequate mom.  I have never doubted my ability to be an adequate mother.

But this morning I was listening to this story on NPR about postpartum depression.

I have been thinking of posting about some thoughts that do frequently cross my mind.  I had decided not to because it would sound like a bigger deal than it is.  But this news story about a psychiatric unit dedicated to treating postpartum depression really struck a cord with me.

One of the doctors interviewed talked about how women with postpartum depression have images in their head of things like knives sticking into their babies, and that they will avoid the kitchen for fear of this happening.

I do this.  I have done this since she was born.  I still do this, even today.  I cringe at the sight of knives and make a very conscious effort to be super careful.  I do it with other things too, although knives are my biggest fear.

I am struck by the vulnerability of my baby.  I buttoned up her PJs this morning and thought about how she needs help with everything.  A month or so ago I was overwhelmed with this thought: if I laid her outside the front door at night she couldn't do anything about it and would be there the next morning unless the racoons took her.  It broke my heart.

I wonder if postpartum depression is at one end of a range, and that the middle part of the range is really important for mothering.  Here's my thought.  To mother you need empathy, right?  And so imagining bad things happening to your helpless infant helps evoke even more empathy than women may have had prior to birth.  I could cry at the horrible images that come into my mind sometimes and it makes me hold Maddy super tight and feel even more committed to keeping her safe. 

Since most things about our biology have a normal distribution, there are going to be a few women who have these thoughts to a debilitating degree whereas there are others that won't have them at all.  But, the majority of women will have them but be inspired to take even better care of their infants because of them.

What do you think?  I am normal?  Do you have these images in your mind too since your baby was born?  Or maybe, I do have a bit of postpartum depression.