I need something.

Do you ever feel hungry for something specific but you can't figure out what it is?

I have that all the time lately.  I have it for food and I have it emotionally.  I am amazingly happy with Madsy.  I love mothering her, and if I had nothing else to do I would be totally happy with that.  But when I am not with her I have this "need something" feeling that makes me grumpy and short tempered.

No, it's not that I am missing her (which I do when I'm not with her).  It's more that when I am not with her is when I have time to think about myself.  And I just am not quite right.

I could blame Dh as I could use something special, like a romantic night out just the two of us that HE plans.  Maybe some sex?  Although, despite an earlier post of mine, I feel incredibly unattractive and uninterested in sex these days. 

I could blame the 7 pounds that I haven't lost yet, as I do feel incredibly unattractive even though I know that it takes time to lose the weight and that I am not actually overweight, I just have a pudgier middle than I am used to or am happy with.

I could blame the fact that I feel overwhelmed by my milk-producing breasts.  They are definitely the dominant part of my body these days in terms of size and attention/function, and the limitations they put on my wardrobe are a little frustrating when I stand in front of my closet.

I could blame the fact that I am pretty out of shape, although my arms are getting amazingly strong hefting my 14 pound baby around.  But I don't look strong and I am pretty soft all over.  Do you remember that scene in Bridget Jones' Diary where she's making out with that younger guy and he starts going on and on about how soft and squishy she is?  That's what I find myself doing about myself.

Maybe some new clothes?  I bought a couple of cute things at Target the other day, but I really am not in the mood to buy clothes because I don't want to spend the money, don't want to invest in stuff that I don't intend to be able to wear for too much longer.  Plus, I am quite limited in options due to breastfeeding logistics and need to have very washable wear (since Mads spits up milk a lot these days, and inevitably it is when I don't have a burp cloth on my shoulder).

I was thinking that a new hand bag might cheer me up, but I'm not really in the mood to spend much money since my budget is much tighter these days with childcare and housecleaning expenses (I have someone clean the house every other week because I was getting really resentful doing it myself -- it is worth every penny these days).  And, Dh has managed to never be around when the car needs a new tank of gas or groceries need to be purchased.  (We keep separate finances, more out of habit than anything else.)  So I don't get much enjoyment out of shopping.

What can I do to get more into homeostasis?  Do you have any suggestions for things that might help satisfy the craving for I-don't-know-what?