A year's worth

July 2, 2010: I was a phone call from the RE's office.
July 1, 2011: I discovered my feet.  My mama is very, very nostalgic today.

This time last year

This time last year was the culmination of the most difficult phase of my life so far.  A year ago I posted about how surreal infertility is.  I was in the thick of an IVF treatment and at my wit's end after all the TTC, the failed IVF cycle earlier that spring, the cyst, and the miscarriage.

Last year, on June 10th we got bad news about our impending IVF cycle (attempt #2).  I only had one follicle after injecting a ridiculous amount of extremely expensive drugs into my belly.  The monitoring appointment where we learned this was, of course, the day we took off from work to belatedly celebrate our 6-year anniversary.  I was devastated.  I knew then that I had to give up or I'd lose my mind.  I hated my body, I hated the situation, I hated that nothing we did had any effect on fixing or altering the situation.  I cried really hard for about an hour after we left the doctor's office.  And then I stopped crying.  I hit that cold emotional state when you realize that you've cried all you can about that issue.  It was time to move on.

But to add to the surreal-ness of the situation, we saw our regular and much-loved RE a day or two later.  There was one big follicle and two smaller ones by that time and she recommended that we go ahead with IVF anyway.  She said that even though there were only a few follicles they might be really good ones and we should go forward in order to see how my body would respond.

And so we did.  We decided that since we were so far into the process we should at least follow this one all the way through even though it looked grim.

I want to quote myself here.  This is from my post on June 14, 2010, "what a crazy crazy world...  if I actually get a baby out of this it would make some sense.  Nothing I do ever happens without some "wonky" involved.  I sure hope we are passed the worst part of it though."

And the craziness of it all?  We were.  We were past the worst part of it.  My wonderful Madsy was one of those two smaller follicles, one of only two that fertilized, one of only two that were transferred back to me two days later, the one who implanted, the one who survived all of my fear and a CVS test.  She was the one who made it all the way to her birth and now to being 3 months old.  

That surreal mind frame continues though.  Despite the fact that I have gotten up every night for the last 91 nights to nurse Mads, and had some nights that never contained anything that even remotely resembled "going to bed" for me, I still look at her in amazement that she's mine.  She's this little stranger who has come into my life.  A little stranger that has shown me that mothering her is even better than I had dreamed it would be or dared to let myself fantasize.

It is cliche to say this, but I stand in awe of the last year and how much things have changed.  It really is surreal.

Thank you all for the love and support.  Thank you for understanding my shout-out for help the other day.  I really appreciate all the suggestions and empathy.  I have now instigated Feel-Good-Fridays.  Last week I had a massage on Friday afternoon and this coming Friday I am getting a mani-pedi (and I think I'll paint my finger nails a color even though Dh hates it).  I have done a few bouts of modest exercise, made myself some good food to eat, and am motivated to take care of me as well as taking care of M.  I want her to be super good to herself.  What better way than to show her by example?  I owe it to this wonderful little creature who has brought me so much peace and happiness.  I owe it to that sweet little follicle who beat the odds.