true confessions

I find my own baby absolutely adorable but 90% of the other babies I see? not so much.

Sometimes when I pick up M from daycare I don't immediately recognize which kid is mine.

I am sad to think about weaning M as I will really miss the amazing intimacy we share. I have never had that with someone before and know I never will again. The more she learns to walk and be independent, the more she moves away from that intimacy, and it makes me sad. Although I guess it is good that my immediate reaction when she does something new is excitement. Later, when I am holding her sleeping in my arms before putting her in her crib for the night, I hold my face very close to hers, feel her breath on my face, and feel very nostalgic.

M knows the word "shoe". She is so my daughter.

I have been pumping extra milk for my sister's new baby. I am very, very tired of doing it. In fact, I am really tired of the whole pumping thing. I loved the christmas trip to visit family as I didn't pump at all. But my sister is so grateful that I feel guilty for wanting to stop. One more month... and then my last couple of months of nursing M will be just for M.

The last couple of evenings I have found myself watching MTV's "Teen Moms 2". It is like a bad car accident that I can't look away from... Tears well up in my eyes for some of those little babies. It is just so unfair how the chance of who your parents are determines so much of your life.

Questions for you

Did I jinx Mads' sleeping habits by...
1) posting about how great they are?
2) reading a book about healthy sleep habits for kids and now I have started to worry about it?
3) not cause any effect but just became more aware of how not-routine they really are?

What should Dh do special for me since I...
1) made a big deal out of father's day and we all had fun despite how crappy he let mother's day be for me?
2) took Maddy to see his mom (without him) yesterday on my mommy-maddy day?
3) wasted an hour and a half today of my nanny-time going to coffee with a colleague of his with him?  He told me that the colleague invited me too but once I got there it became clear that I wasn't invited and Dh just wanted me along because he hates to make small talk.

Is there something wrong with me because I think this new hobby of Maddy's is hilarious, and that I made a video of it and posted it on my website?

For those of you who also have a Sophie the Giraffe, have you ever noticed that she makes baby's breath smell like a condom?  It totally cracks me up but feels so so wrong...

this will jinx me

I have been very hesitant to write about Mads' sleep patterns as I know it will jinx me.  Plus, I feel guilty.  Babies aren't supposed to be this easy, so I'm sure the other shoe will drop soon.  I'm know that confessing about M's wonderful sleep habits means that they will change very soon and likely for the worse.

For the last 5-6 weeks Mads has gone to sleep very easily at 7:30 or 8pm.  Up to about 10 days ago she'd wake up between 1-3am and then again between 4am-5am for a 20 minute milk snack.  When she nurses at night she's all business, hardly moves and goes immediately back to sleep.  I mean the kid doesn't even burp.  I don't think she even opens her eyes. 

(Confession #1: one night when Mads was about 8 weeks old my breasts were particularly full for some reason.  When Mads was nursing, and she was still about 75% asleep, she was getting some serious let-down and gulping like mad.  In my sleep haze I thought, "this is good, she'll drink a lot and then be really full and sleep longer."  Theoretically this was a good idea.  In reality though, this was a bad mommy moment.  I shoulda known better.  As soon as I lifted her upright a huge gush of milk came out of her mouth and nose and projectiled into my face and all down my front.  This wasn't just a regular spit-up, which can be quite spectacular.  No, this was a huge gush of warm partly digested milk in my face and all down the front of me.  It came out for long enough that I have a vivid memory of what it looked like projectiling out of her mouth and nose at the same time.  Poor kid.  It totally freaked her out, as you can imagine.)

For the last week she's only done the 4am-5am snack time.  Some days she'll stir at about 6:30am but just about always falls back to sleep until 7:30 or 8am.  One night last weekend she went to sleep around 7pm, woke up at 5am for 20 minutes and then slept until 9am.  That was freaky though, honestly.

She isn't much of a napper during the day though and lately only takes a few ~1hr naps. 

If I were smart I'd go to bed at 9am but I just can't seem to do it.  I typically stay up until 11pm, silly silly girl.

I credit her sumo wrestler size for this sleep feat.  My child is huge.  She started out at 7 pounds but weighs something like 15 pounds now, I'm guessing.  She was 97th percentile when she was at the pediatrician's office about a month ago, up from her last visit weigh-in that put her in the 90th percentile.  She loves to eat and seems to noticeably grow every night.  She's got that healthy pudgy baby look but definitely isn't really fat, she's just a really big baby. 

(Confession #2: I have googled all versions of "weight gain" in infants about a gazillion times over the last 3 months, worried sick that she's got some weird metabolic disorder.  But I can't seem to find any disease that would lead to her growing too fast.  Do you know if there is any such thing?)

But she is still so tiny in the whole scheme of things...  I just adore rubbing her tiny little back when I hold her...  and those big eyes looking out at the world over a pacifier...  I better stop or I'll end up going in and waking her up so I can give her a hug!

A-choo to you

In honor of my cold, I thought I'd share some non-sick baby sneezes with you. 

Her baby sneezes are so freaking cute -- I can't get over the four-limb involvement.  I finally caught 'em on video the other day.  We gave her a gender-neutral family name but her little-girl nicknames are Maddy, Madsy, or Mad-Maddy (after Mad Max), whichever suits her mood. 

Enjoy...

The creature that melts my heart (caution: cutesy alert)

Do you remember when you first fell in love and how it was so freaking hard to get the guy out of your head?   How it seemed like you could never survive being apart for even a few minutes, not even long enough to go take a shower and get dressed?  Remember how it seemed like you'd never be able to function in the world again because you'd never be able to not think about him constantly?

That is how I feel about M.  It's weird though to have that feeling and it not be a sexual kind of thing.  That is the only kind of in-love I knew before.  It's neat how this is similar in so many ways, but obviously different.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to concentrate on anything else ever again. Just in case it changes, I am doing all I can to relish in baby-world for now.

Here are some obnoxious photos of little M.

Her picnic last weekend.  Everyone hates the hat but me.  But since I'm her mama I get to pick out what she wears until she can complain otherwise.  That's just the way it is.

And with the new crib thing, here is what I will miss seeing every morning peering out from the snuggle nest.

She has kind of a serious disposition so I know I really deserve it when she smiles.  M doesn't go throwing out smiles for just anything.

the crib

The last few nights I have had M fall asleep in her crib.

The first night I brought her to bed with me after she woke up the first time for a snack (after 4 hours).

The second night she looked so small and alone all swaddled in the middle of the big barren crib that I brought her to bed with me about an hour after she fell fast asleep.

Last night I got up to nurse her but put her back in her crib. She spent the entire night alone in her crib and was totaly ok, and maybe even better than when she sleeps with us. Maybe it was a fluke, but she went back to sleep really remarkably quickly both time she woke up to snack.

My baby apparently no longer needs to be touching me in order to sleep. It breaks my heart as it makes her seem so grown up.

I just know I'll find her packing up all her onesies tomorrow and heading out the door for college...

making contact

M and I are home alone for a few hours while Dh and MIL go to the bank to take care of some of the business of death. It is probably the longest I have been alone with M since she was born and it is really nice. I think we needed some mommy-baby time.

M was laying on the floor on a blanket with a toy on either side for her to check out. At one point I heard all sorts of grunting and heavy breathng. M had managed to get on her side and was reaching out her hand far enough to touch her bunny rabbit. I was so impressed and proud that I started crying! She's too young to have this kind of control and it was likely a fluke that it worked out for her, but still...

I am such a goof ball. I had no idea I would cry over things like that! Hormones are crazy things.