This morning M had had enough of her play-yard and wanted to be held. We had just survived a meltdown in the highchair -- she has decided that solid food sucks and the tray on the highchair shouldn't be there. I ended up picking her up and nursing her instead. This meant no breakfast for me since I can't prepare food and nurse at the same time with a 22 pound baby. But that's ok, I can deal.
I was hanging in there, but those meltdowns are really tough on the nerves. And she'd had a few last night too. And we got up three times last night to nurse. But I was hanging in there. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept more than 3.5 hours in a row, since I didn't sleep well when I was pregnant either.
Then I really had to go to the toilet. So I managed to hold her on my lap. Then the phone rang. So I rang to the phone with my pants around my knees while holding M. Dh calling from the field, saying that he was going to go to bed early. (no comment)
I had a meeting at 9am, which is always a bad idea. As soon as I have to be somewhere that is when the shit hits the fan, almost literally every time. Clingy baby, uncooperative cat, every red light along the way, and of course, a poo-poo blow-out by the time we reach day care.
And why is it that I have so much stuff to carry around everywhere I go? Between the pumping supplies, milk, diaper bag, and computer jump drive, I carry three bags plus the baby-in-car-seat every morning when I leave the house. And this morning I also had the dirty diapers for the garbage and a bunch of new diapers for the day care supply. Some days I wish we could go back to nomadic hunter-gatherer times. So much less gear to carry everywhere.
We get into the car and all is fine on the way to school, except that we are already 30 minutes late for my meeting and I hit every single red light.
We arrive. I pick her up and carry her in. And of course, there is poo all over her pants. This is like the third time in a row this has happened on the way to daycare. Maybe I should just skip putting her in pants, but then what would catch the poo-overflow?
I made it to my meeting at 10:07am, as the last person was locking the door behind them.
I am so tired that I physically kind of ache. How many more weeks before Dh gets home? And then how long before he can mesh back into daily life and be helpful? Too many to be thinking like this.
Mads crawls these days, and as of yesterday she crawls fast. So amazing and so freaking cute, I love it. But the level of needed supervision just increased 10-fold. My clever little gorilla baby... 8 months old today! And honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. This is the happiest I've ever been in my life, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
My hat is off to all the single moms out there. I really don't know how you do it with a smile. It's hard, and I am finding that I have to catch myself a couple of times a day from getting really frustrated. Breathe deeply.
A lot of it is the fact that I went into this knowing I was going to be doing it on my own. Makes it so much easier than having times of single parenthood when you're used to doing it with a partner.
ReplyDeleteA nanny helps, too.
Two words: luna bars. :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there ... and happy birthday to Mads!
Ugh, I'm tired just reading that. My strategy for the poo is put her in her ugliest outfit, the one you got as a gift and just hate, and she will keep it clean all day. I swear. It works.
ReplyDeleteI second the Luna/granola/Nutrigrain bar for breakfast (or any missed meal or snack). Easy, portable, I keep them stashed everywhere, just in case. I began eating them when I was BFing and up in the middle of the night for a feeding and was hungry too. They are multipurpose!
Hang in there! i think it is harder to get in a routine that involves someone else, then have them leave. It'd just be easier to have been alone to begin with!!
I hear ya! I have no advice except stash tons of snacks in the car, bring lots of extra clothes and be prepared to be late for many years to come. Oh yeah and when your sweetie starts sassing, don't hit her. :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there. It doesn't get easier, you will just get used to it.
Snacks in the diaper bag. For me. Kind bars are what I like, as I feel all sanctimoniously healthy since they aren't covered in chocolate.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Pie on the poop. Just put her in something ugly that doesn't fit. She won't poop all day.
I'm sorry you are being run so ragged right now. I do think that they need a special day honoring single parents, because I don't know how they do it. Maybe consider getting a babysitter a couple mornings a week for an hour or two so you can get ready and have some breathing room? You will figure it out soon -- I have faith in you and M.
I hear ya about the exhaustion. My husband is at home, and helps a lot with the older kids and around the house, and I still feel quite resentful... I think the issue is that when the baby is little no one can really help with a lot of the exhausting mommy things like nursing at night. And when we are chronically tired, things seem quite bleak. Then it's easy to direct the negativity at the husband because we can't really direct it at the little creature who so depends on us...
ReplyDeleteHang in there! And try to sneak out of work early to catch some shut eye, or simply bring Mads to daycare and you stay home and do something for yourself (sleep, eat bonbons, watch a movie). The ability to do that without repercussions is *the* biggest perk of being a faculty!