I am really concerned about making mistakes in my research. I am really cautious in how I interpret my results and triple check stuff all the time, add in all kinds of caveats in my discussion sections.
For example, I re-ran a huge set of analyses five different times for one paper, which took me months of extra time, on top of the year delay before I was convinced that a somewhat weird part of the dataset was legitimate to analyze in the way that I did (and it was really only "weird" because I lucked into discovering the resource so no one had ever applied a data set like it for that kind of analysis).
I am always amazed, impressed and kind of jealous at my colleagues who publish lots of glitzy papers with big sweeping interpretations. They totally aren't afraid to be wrong.
And, may I also point out, reviewers never seem to call them on it.
I want to be more gutsy.
I am at the point with a project that I have been working on for the last 14 years that it is time for big conclusions, broad sweeping ideas to be made. In fact, I am starting to get worried that someone is going to compile all my papers and do it themselves. Actually, there was a paper just published in a pretty high impact journal last month that sort of started this. And the authors did a sucky job of it.
So it is time for me to grow me some balls.
Any advice on how to do this? Any of you ever have this same problem?
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
the next night
Do you ever think that maybe babies and cats have some sort of internal barometer so that they know when they got a little too close to the edge of their caretaker's sanity?
the next night M slept from 6pm-1:30am and then from 1:40am-6:45am. The cat slept at the foot of my bed the entire night.
Yes, you heard that right. For the first time in over a year I slept for 5 contiguous hours... amazing how that changes one's perspective on the world.
That did not happen the next night, but I was feeling so much better from the one decent night's sleep that it was ok.
the next night M slept from 6pm-1:30am and then from 1:40am-6:45am. The cat slept at the foot of my bed the entire night.
Yes, you heard that right. For the first time in over a year I slept for 5 contiguous hours... amazing how that changes one's perspective on the world.
That did not happen the next night, but I was feeling so much better from the one decent night's sleep that it was ok.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
what was the point of going to bed at 9:30pm?
9:30pm lights out, sleepy
9:32pm cat wants under the covers
9:34pm, I roll over
9:35pm, cat jumps over my head so as to be on theother side of me, he prefers under the covers on my front side
9:36pm, I don't like the cat so close to my face when trying to sleep b/c I am mildly allergic and he makes me cough
9:37pm, I roll over again
9:38pm, cat leaves to get a kitty-crunchy snack
9:42pm, cat starts batting at my face, I pull covers over my head
9:43pm, cat starts attacking my hands just under the covers
9:44pm, I let him back under the covers
9:58pm, I roll over
10pm, cat jumps over my head to be on my front side
10:12pm, baby starts to cry
10:20pm, baby is still crying, harder now
10:25, I call out to baby and beg her to go back to sleep
10:27pm, cat starts bugging me again
10:30pm, I freak out and kick cat off of me and go to baby's room, she is standing in her crib totally freaking out crying
10:31pm, baby is in my arms asleep as I rock in the rocking chair
10:39pm, I lay sleeping baby down in her crib
10:40pm, baby starts crying again as I walk away from crib
10:41-43pm, I take cat outside and leave him there for the night
10:44pm, baby is crying really hard now
10:45pm, I close baby's door and my bedroom door and lay back down in bed, noticing that the sheets stink and wishing I had had time over the weekend to change them, but it was ridiculously hard just to find the time to wash my & baby's laundry and put all my clothes away that I had dropped on the floor in a state of exhaustion over the last 2 weeks
10:50pm, baby is still crying, and I have rolled over about 10 times trying to pretend like I can't hear it
10:55pm, the tension in my neck and back feels like a jack-in-the-box and I wish I could throw something across the room
11pm, I notice the clock and start feeling really mad that there is no way in hell I am going to get even a decent night's sleep at this point. Baby is still yowling in the other room.
11:10pm, baby is still yowling.
11:15pm, still crying
11:20pm, still crying
11:25pm, I go into baby's room, she is laying down facing the wall, crying. I pick her up and take her to the rocking chair, start to nurse her
11:40pm, try to unlatch myself from her asleep suckle-of-steel, she fusses a little but falls back to sleep
11:43pm, I lay her back down in her crib, she stays asleep as I leave the room
11:45pm, I am back in bed, wide awake
11:50pm, decide to blog about it
I honestly don't get this. Millions of years of evolution have mothers and babies coexisting. Adults have to sleep more than 1 hour at a time, and more like 6-8. While I know that cosleeping is an option, it isn't a viable one for me. Now that M is so mobile, she will crawl off the edge of the bed easily before I would be awake enough to notice. It is way too dangerous. Plus, every time I roll over I was waking her up. Our ancestors slept in nest for criminy sake, and that has all the same complicating factors as my bed. How did this work? Why can't I get a decent amount of sleep? I am honestly feeling like I might lose my mind...
9:32pm cat wants under the covers
9:34pm, I roll over
9:35pm, cat jumps over my head so as to be on theother side of me, he prefers under the covers on my front side
9:36pm, I don't like the cat so close to my face when trying to sleep b/c I am mildly allergic and he makes me cough
9:37pm, I roll over again
9:38pm, cat leaves to get a kitty-crunchy snack
9:42pm, cat starts batting at my face, I pull covers over my head
9:43pm, cat starts attacking my hands just under the covers
9:44pm, I let him back under the covers
9:58pm, I roll over
10pm, cat jumps over my head to be on my front side
10:12pm, baby starts to cry
10:20pm, baby is still crying, harder now
10:25, I call out to baby and beg her to go back to sleep
10:27pm, cat starts bugging me again
10:30pm, I freak out and kick cat off of me and go to baby's room, she is standing in her crib totally freaking out crying
10:31pm, baby is in my arms asleep as I rock in the rocking chair
10:39pm, I lay sleeping baby down in her crib
10:40pm, baby starts crying again as I walk away from crib
10:41-43pm, I take cat outside and leave him there for the night
10:44pm, baby is crying really hard now
10:45pm, I close baby's door and my bedroom door and lay back down in bed, noticing that the sheets stink and wishing I had had time over the weekend to change them, but it was ridiculously hard just to find the time to wash my & baby's laundry and put all my clothes away that I had dropped on the floor in a state of exhaustion over the last 2 weeks
10:50pm, baby is still crying, and I have rolled over about 10 times trying to pretend like I can't hear it
10:55pm, the tension in my neck and back feels like a jack-in-the-box and I wish I could throw something across the room
11pm, I notice the clock and start feeling really mad that there is no way in hell I am going to get even a decent night's sleep at this point. Baby is still yowling in the other room.
11:10pm, baby is still yowling.
11:15pm, still crying
11:20pm, still crying
11:25pm, I go into baby's room, she is laying down facing the wall, crying. I pick her up and take her to the rocking chair, start to nurse her
11:40pm, try to unlatch myself from her asleep suckle-of-steel, she fusses a little but falls back to sleep
11:43pm, I lay her back down in her crib, she stays asleep as I leave the room
11:45pm, I am back in bed, wide awake
11:50pm, decide to blog about it
I honestly don't get this. Millions of years of evolution have mothers and babies coexisting. Adults have to sleep more than 1 hour at a time, and more like 6-8. While I know that cosleeping is an option, it isn't a viable one for me. Now that M is so mobile, she will crawl off the edge of the bed easily before I would be awake enough to notice. It is way too dangerous. Plus, every time I roll over I was waking her up. Our ancestors slept in nest for criminy sake, and that has all the same complicating factors as my bed. How did this work? Why can't I get a decent amount of sleep? I am honestly feeling like I might lose my mind...
behavior modification
While M has definitely figured out how to go to sleep at night well, she still wakes up a lot. I tried to tell myself not to go to her until she'd been in her crib for at least 7 hours, thinking that was a good time-frame for when she might actually be getting hungry. That worked perfectly for one night.
Then I ran into the problem that she was having total melt downs from the moment I put her in her car seat coming home from day care until she went to bed.
I am sort of slow, but after 3 evenings of this I decided to try pickng her up earlier and putting her to bed at a ridiculously early hour (despite everything and everyone I checked with saying 6:30-7pm is a good bedtime for her age).
THAT worked like a charm. She was her wonderful sweet little M self, and totally zonked out without any tears at all by 5:45pm.
But then she starts waking up at 1am, and maybe every 2.5 hours from then on out...
I do not have enough adrenaline for this schedule.
The answer for my sanity is to go to sleep early. But there is really no way I can go to sleep at 6pm, which would be what it would take to get a solid 5 hours. But I am trying to sleep train myslef to go to bed around 9:30pm.
And I am trying to find a good way to work my schedule so that I can pick M up at 4pm every day, but it is so hard not to have things get scheduled up until 5pm, since I work in the 12-hour-work-day-world. But I am working on it. One really nice thing about the super early bedtime, aside from having a happier baby which is obviously the best part of it, is that my brain still sort of functions at 6pm. So this evening I wrote 2 letters of recommedation and quickly perused a re-review for a journal after M went to sleep. Can you say "productive"? yippee!
Ethical/child torture question for you:
1) grandmother's retirement community is coming to a nighttime Christmas tree thing very close to my house on Thursday. It doesn't start until 6:30pm. I know it would mean the world to her if her grand daughter were there to meet her, esp in front of all her new friends. While M might be ok at the time because of all the excitement, do you think it is ok to torture one's child for something like this?
2) ditto for a volunteer santa thing I have going on on Sunday. It doesn't start until 6pm and is an hour away from where I live... I can likely be home by 8pm.
do you think it is ok to keep a 9 month old up way past her bedtime to accommodate some adult needs from time to time? Or, should I work a little harder on modifying my behavior and just say that I can't keep her out/up that long past her bedtime? so hard to find the line between me being over-protective & freaky and my being selfish and not respecting M's routine enough...
Then I ran into the problem that she was having total melt downs from the moment I put her in her car seat coming home from day care until she went to bed.
I am sort of slow, but after 3 evenings of this I decided to try pickng her up earlier and putting her to bed at a ridiculously early hour (despite everything and everyone I checked with saying 6:30-7pm is a good bedtime for her age).
THAT worked like a charm. She was her wonderful sweet little M self, and totally zonked out without any tears at all by 5:45pm.
But then she starts waking up at 1am, and maybe every 2.5 hours from then on out...
I do not have enough adrenaline for this schedule.
The answer for my sanity is to go to sleep early. But there is really no way I can go to sleep at 6pm, which would be what it would take to get a solid 5 hours. But I am trying to sleep train myslef to go to bed around 9:30pm.
And I am trying to find a good way to work my schedule so that I can pick M up at 4pm every day, but it is so hard not to have things get scheduled up until 5pm, since I work in the 12-hour-work-day-world. But I am working on it. One really nice thing about the super early bedtime, aside from having a happier baby which is obviously the best part of it, is that my brain still sort of functions at 6pm. So this evening I wrote 2 letters of recommedation and quickly perused a re-review for a journal after M went to sleep. Can you say "productive"? yippee!
Ethical/child torture question for you:
1) grandmother's retirement community is coming to a nighttime Christmas tree thing very close to my house on Thursday. It doesn't start until 6:30pm. I know it would mean the world to her if her grand daughter were there to meet her, esp in front of all her new friends. While M might be ok at the time because of all the excitement, do you think it is ok to torture one's child for something like this?
2) ditto for a volunteer santa thing I have going on on Sunday. It doesn't start until 6pm and is an hour away from where I live... I can likely be home by 8pm.
do you think it is ok to keep a 9 month old up way past her bedtime to accommodate some adult needs from time to time? Or, should I work a little harder on modifying my behavior and just say that I can't keep her out/up that long past her bedtime? so hard to find the line between me being over-protective & freaky and my being selfish and not respecting M's routine enough...
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
dumb question
how do you tell if an 8.5 month old is hungry in the middle of the night? this parenting stuff was easier when M was a few weeks old and would gnaw on her fist when she was hungry...
Monday, December 5, 2011
baby sleep, part 2
The most amazing thing happened after the night I fell asleep to M's crying...
The next night she was up in the middle of the night again, getting more and more wound up wanting to play. After 1.5 hours of this, around 2am, I sat her down in her crib, kissed her forehead and told her that it was time to go to sleep, She fussed, but not very sincerely, for 3 minutes. She then laid down and cooed at her stuffed froggy for about an hour and then fell asleep.
The next night she was getting all hyper as I was trying to put her to bed, so I tried the same thing. Literally sat her in her crib upright (she was too awake to lay down), kissed her forehead and wished her a good night. You know what? she fussed for about 10 seconds as I walked out the room but then went to sleep. It has been like that every night since. This weekend I tried it with naps. It worked! She was still awake, I kissed her forehead and said "sweet dreams" and walked out of the room. After a few seconds of half-hearted protest she quietly coos at her toys or goes right to sleep. And then when she wakes up she just hangs out cooing at her toys. I have gone in to "wake" her up every time...
Crazy. Seriously weirds me out. But man, oh, man, is this wonderful!
I feel so incredibly fortunate that we seem to have gotten here with very very minimal crying-it-out pain.
Now, anyone have tips on how to get her to not wake up at 1am, 3am, and 5am? me is so, so, so, tired.
BTW, that letter of rec is done and I am now starting to read one of those dissertations...
The next night she was up in the middle of the night again, getting more and more wound up wanting to play. After 1.5 hours of this, around 2am, I sat her down in her crib, kissed her forehead and told her that it was time to go to sleep, She fussed, but not very sincerely, for 3 minutes. She then laid down and cooed at her stuffed froggy for about an hour and then fell asleep.
The next night she was getting all hyper as I was trying to put her to bed, so I tried the same thing. Literally sat her in her crib upright (she was too awake to lay down), kissed her forehead and wished her a good night. You know what? she fussed for about 10 seconds as I walked out the room but then went to sleep. It has been like that every night since. This weekend I tried it with naps. It worked! She was still awake, I kissed her forehead and said "sweet dreams" and walked out of the room. After a few seconds of half-hearted protest she quietly coos at her toys or goes right to sleep. And then when she wakes up she just hangs out cooing at her toys. I have gone in to "wake" her up every time...
Crazy. Seriously weirds me out. But man, oh, man, is this wonderful!
I feel so incredibly fortunate that we seem to have gotten here with very very minimal crying-it-out pain.
Now, anyone have tips on how to get her to not wake up at 1am, 3am, and 5am? me is so, so, so, tired.
BTW, that letter of rec is done and I am now starting to read one of those dissertations...
Sunday, December 4, 2011
and yes, I should be doing something else
like preparing for the talk I have to give at noon tomorrow, or writing the letter of recommedation for a colleague's big award nomination that is due on Tuesday (and has to be cowritten with a jerk colleague who insisted that he is busier than I am), or reading at least one of the two dissertations that got dropped on my lap by students who are late and absolutely have to have my comments back by wednsday, or reviewing that article that was due on Nov 29th.
but you know what? I am finding it very difficult to care. I had such a nice day playing with M, putting up a christmas tree and then doing a photo shoot of M in her santa dress in front of it, and then in her grinch t-shirt... and now I am catching up on blog posts.
life is good. M has taught me to really step away. It will all work out somehow...
but you know what? I am finding it very difficult to care. I had such a nice day playing with M, putting up a christmas tree and then doing a photo shoot of M in her santa dress in front of it, and then in her grinch t-shirt... and now I am catching up on blog posts.
life is good. M has taught me to really step away. It will all work out somehow...
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
letters to myself
In honor of my upcoming 41st birthday I wish that I could send these notes back through time to my former selves. What a difference time and experience make. As they say, youth is wasted on the young. I love being older, if only it didn't come with being old.
***************
Dear InB at 18 years old,
Care about the details of life, as I know you do. But also pay attention to the big picture. The world at large is full of amazing things, many good and many bad. And you should care about these things. And you shouldn't feel afraid to be outspoken. Join a demonstration, a public advocacy group, volunteer. Get outside of yourself as it will help you better see your role in this world. You will learn that you do have a voice and that your voice can make a difference. You matter, don't think that you are insignificant.
love,
InB at 41
*****************
Dear InB at 32,
I admire your motivation, determination, and drive. Trust that this will take you far. But also give some thought as to where "far" is. What do you mean by "success"? How is that defined and who defined it? Is that really your meaning of success? Who are you trying to impress? The only person that really matters in this regard is yourself. Do the things you need to do for you. Find a way to let go of wanting to impress other people. Most of them wouldn't be impressed even if you figured out a way to walk on water. And if they are impressed they won't let you know about it. In fact, the more you do the more they will try to hurt you, make you feel bad, and push you down. So don't work hard for them. Work hard because you enjoy it. Accomplish the things that will make YOU feel proud of yourself. Figure out what those are and let go of the rest -- it is a waste of emotional energy and time.
love, inB at 41
****************
Dear InB at 39,
I know you are terribly sad about the miscarriage and the infertility that is following it. You feel hopeless and filled with regret that you waited too long to start your family; regretful and embarrassed that you likely sacrificed too much for a career success that ended up feeling hollow. A baby feels like the only way to fill that void.
But it isn't. I know this is impossible to know from the side of the equation you are on right now, but now that I am on the other side I can speak with confidence. I now grasp the feelings that your baby would bring you and I can honestly say that you can fill that void in other ways if your baby doesn't come.
First off, you need to do some reshuffling of your goals. Come to appreciate that happiness is a decision you make. You know this already, but let me give you some specific suggestions to help with this. I know that you are wanting a project with meaning, and that a baby in your arms is a sure-fire way to get that. But there are other ways too.
You feel strongly about public education and defending excellent public universities, jump into that. It is a fight worth fighting and *you can make a difference*. Remember what I told you at 18 (see above)? Don't sell yourself short. Your lack of self-confidence is unfounded.
Be strong, be the woman you admire not the woman you fear you might be.
And speak up. Join a demonstration, lead a public advocacy group, volunteer. You really do have the power to change the world. What you have accomlplished professionally has brought you more power and recognition than you realize. Shake off the insecurity and use it, dammit.
You will find the same fullfillment and satisfaction from those pursuits as you will from a baby.
The part that will be missing is the physical intimacy, the snuggles. But you should push hard to regain more physical intimacy with dh. Hugs, snuggles on the couch, intertwined legs as you sleep. Make these a more prominent part of your relationship. That physical intimacy will go a long way.
And last, make sure you smile. Make a serious effort to make other people around you realize they are loved and appreciated and you will get the same sense of nurturing that a baby will bring. It is easier to love a baby and nurture them, but those young adults that you teach, they could really benefit from it too. Be there for them in ways you haven't been before. Get involved more specifically at the campus level. It is ok to love someone else's child, from your nephew to your students. Open your heart more. Don't be afraid to be a woman in a man's world. It will make you happier.
You can do it, and you can have a beautiful and equally fulfilling life without a baby. I wish I could have shared this with you at the time so that you could have felt less angry, less sad, and less desperate. You likely would not have believed me though. In fact, I know you wouldn't have, but maybe my advice would eventually sink in and you would have been ok. I love you InB. You are much too unforgiving of yourself.
love, InB at 41
***************
Dear InB at 18 years old,
Care about the details of life, as I know you do. But also pay attention to the big picture. The world at large is full of amazing things, many good and many bad. And you should care about these things. And you shouldn't feel afraid to be outspoken. Join a demonstration, a public advocacy group, volunteer. Get outside of yourself as it will help you better see your role in this world. You will learn that you do have a voice and that your voice can make a difference. You matter, don't think that you are insignificant.
love,
InB at 41
*****************
Dear InB at 32,
I admire your motivation, determination, and drive. Trust that this will take you far. But also give some thought as to where "far" is. What do you mean by "success"? How is that defined and who defined it? Is that really your meaning of success? Who are you trying to impress? The only person that really matters in this regard is yourself. Do the things you need to do for you. Find a way to let go of wanting to impress other people. Most of them wouldn't be impressed even if you figured out a way to walk on water. And if they are impressed they won't let you know about it. In fact, the more you do the more they will try to hurt you, make you feel bad, and push you down. So don't work hard for them. Work hard because you enjoy it. Accomplish the things that will make YOU feel proud of yourself. Figure out what those are and let go of the rest -- it is a waste of emotional energy and time.
love, inB at 41
****************
Dear InB at 39,
I know you are terribly sad about the miscarriage and the infertility that is following it. You feel hopeless and filled with regret that you waited too long to start your family; regretful and embarrassed that you likely sacrificed too much for a career success that ended up feeling hollow. A baby feels like the only way to fill that void.
But it isn't. I know this is impossible to know from the side of the equation you are on right now, but now that I am on the other side I can speak with confidence. I now grasp the feelings that your baby would bring you and I can honestly say that you can fill that void in other ways if your baby doesn't come.
First off, you need to do some reshuffling of your goals. Come to appreciate that happiness is a decision you make. You know this already, but let me give you some specific suggestions to help with this. I know that you are wanting a project with meaning, and that a baby in your arms is a sure-fire way to get that. But there are other ways too.
You feel strongly about public education and defending excellent public universities, jump into that. It is a fight worth fighting and *you can make a difference*. Remember what I told you at 18 (see above)? Don't sell yourself short. Your lack of self-confidence is unfounded.
Be strong, be the woman you admire not the woman you fear you might be.
And speak up. Join a demonstration, lead a public advocacy group, volunteer. You really do have the power to change the world. What you have accomlplished professionally has brought you more power and recognition than you realize. Shake off the insecurity and use it, dammit.
You will find the same fullfillment and satisfaction from those pursuits as you will from a baby.
The part that will be missing is the physical intimacy, the snuggles. But you should push hard to regain more physical intimacy with dh. Hugs, snuggles on the couch, intertwined legs as you sleep. Make these a more prominent part of your relationship. That physical intimacy will go a long way.
And last, make sure you smile. Make a serious effort to make other people around you realize they are loved and appreciated and you will get the same sense of nurturing that a baby will bring. It is easier to love a baby and nurture them, but those young adults that you teach, they could really benefit from it too. Be there for them in ways you haven't been before. Get involved more specifically at the campus level. It is ok to love someone else's child, from your nephew to your students. Open your heart more. Don't be afraid to be a woman in a man's world. It will make you happier.
You can do it, and you can have a beautiful and equally fulfilling life without a baby. I wish I could have shared this with you at the time so that you could have felt less angry, less sad, and less desperate. You likely would not have believed me though. In fact, I know you wouldn't have, but maybe my advice would eventually sink in and you would have been ok. I love you InB. You are much too unforgiving of yourself.
love, InB at 41
Monday, November 28, 2011
thoughts on coffee shops
1) I have always loved the feeling you get after a dinner party at your house. You know the one where everyone had a nice time, all the food turned out ok, the dishes are all cleaned and put away and there is no evidence of a party except for the wonderful memories that you linger over as you sit on the couch and catch your breath?
My mornings now feel like that, every day. By the time I drop M off at "school" I have been up for at least 3 hours and have accomplished so much but there is very little evidence of it other than that we are all dressed, fed, and where we need to be for the day. It's the exact same feeling, and it's a nice high.
I have gotten in the habit of stopping by starb.ucks on the way to school as a transition and a sort of "congrats" gift to myself every morning. Since I registered my gift card I get the soy part of my grande chai for free, so this feels like it's not so much of a splurge. Whoever came up with that idea was brilliant, as the psychology of it totally works on me.
2) One of the best perks of being a cop must be getting to park illegally in front of starb.ucks while you run in to get your coffee fix.
My mornings now feel like that, every day. By the time I drop M off at "school" I have been up for at least 3 hours and have accomplished so much but there is very little evidence of it other than that we are all dressed, fed, and where we need to be for the day. It's the exact same feeling, and it's a nice high.
I have gotten in the habit of stopping by starb.ucks on the way to school as a transition and a sort of "congrats" gift to myself every morning. Since I registered my gift card I get the soy part of my grande chai for free, so this feels like it's not so much of a splurge. Whoever came up with that idea was brilliant, as the psychology of it totally works on me.
2) One of the best perks of being a cop must be getting to park illegally in front of starb.ucks while you run in to get your coffee fix.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
baby sleep
I long ago realized that there was no way that I could do the "cry-it-out" sleep thing. I love holding M in my arms. I love gazing at her peaceful sleeping face and breathing in her sweet breath as she falls deeper and deeper into sleep.
Plus, the sheer agony of her crying breaks my heart and makes me feel down right cruel. Sometimes I let her cry for 5-10 minutes to get some of her tension out, she then just collapses into my arms and falls right to sleep.
So the usual sleep routine is that she goes to bed in her crib around 7pm. When she wakes up the next time I bring her to bed with me. This may be any time between 10:30pm - 1am, and once it was 3:30am (that rocked).
M is getting her top two incisors. OMG this has been such an event, off and on for the last month. But the last 3 days & nights have been particularly tough. I can see her teeth now just about to break through. I am glad I don't remember this phase, as it seems like it really hurts. The uppers seem to hurt much, much more than the lowers did, as she hardly fussed at all -- honestly I didn't even realize she was teething until she was chewing my arm and I felt something really sharp.
As I said, the last 3 nights have been rough, like up-almost-every-hour rough. This is hard on her and hard on me. Remember, dh is out of town.
Last night she woke up at 9:30pm and I could not get her back to sleep. She has a remarkable talent for keeping herself awake. And last night she just kept getting herself more and more awake. I decided to go to bed with her to see if that would help but she started crawling all over my bed and getting really wound up.
At 10:21pm I decided that this was not heading in the right direction. Being with me wasn't helping. So, I took her to her crib and said goodnite, intending to let her cry out some of her tension and get her in about 10 minutes and bring her back to bed with me.
I went back to snuggle in bed and watch the clock. I remember looking at the clock again at 10:27pm. And then I woke up suddenly at 11pm. Mads wasn't making a peep. Freaked.me.out. I left her!!! I felt terrible, and I have no idea how long she cried before falling sleep.
She called out again for me around 1am, and I brought her to bed and all went on as usual after that.
But I feel bad. My baby was crying, and I.fell.asleep.
Plus, the sheer agony of her crying breaks my heart and makes me feel down right cruel. Sometimes I let her cry for 5-10 minutes to get some of her tension out, she then just collapses into my arms and falls right to sleep.
So the usual sleep routine is that she goes to bed in her crib around 7pm. When she wakes up the next time I bring her to bed with me. This may be any time between 10:30pm - 1am, and once it was 3:30am (that rocked).
M is getting her top two incisors. OMG this has been such an event, off and on for the last month. But the last 3 days & nights have been particularly tough. I can see her teeth now just about to break through. I am glad I don't remember this phase, as it seems like it really hurts. The uppers seem to hurt much, much more than the lowers did, as she hardly fussed at all -- honestly I didn't even realize she was teething until she was chewing my arm and I felt something really sharp.
As I said, the last 3 nights have been rough, like up-almost-every-hour rough. This is hard on her and hard on me. Remember, dh is out of town.
Last night she woke up at 9:30pm and I could not get her back to sleep. She has a remarkable talent for keeping herself awake. And last night she just kept getting herself more and more awake. I decided to go to bed with her to see if that would help but she started crawling all over my bed and getting really wound up.
At 10:21pm I decided that this was not heading in the right direction. Being with me wasn't helping. So, I took her to her crib and said goodnite, intending to let her cry out some of her tension and get her in about 10 minutes and bring her back to bed with me.
I went back to snuggle in bed and watch the clock. I remember looking at the clock again at 10:27pm. And then I woke up suddenly at 11pm. Mads wasn't making a peep. Freaked.me.out. I left her!!! I felt terrible, and I have no idea how long she cried before falling sleep.
She called out again for me around 1am, and I brought her to bed and all went on as usual after that.
But I feel bad. My baby was crying, and I.fell.asleep.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Confliction
Love taking M out shopping as lots of people comment on what a cute baby she is.
Feel bad that I do this when I am getting frustrated with her and need a "re-set"...Thank heavens for Target.
Love making new, homemade foods for M to try.
Feel bad that it hurts my feelings when she gags at the new flavor/texture...
Love holding M asleep in my arms.
Feel bad that I get so frustrated when she immediately starts to cry when I set her in her crib...
Love seeing M in real shoes and jeans and enjoying her new-found ability to stand.
Feel sad that baby M is gone...
Love getting things in the mail that I ordered.
Feel bad about all the boxes...
Love driving.
Feel bad that I now do this when I need some quiet time and it means M is safely strapped into her car seat...
Love dancing with M to cute nursery rhymes.
Feel bad that I only just discovered this...
Love that M has learned to do "bunny kisses" with me (touching foreheads, rubbing noses).
Feel bad because I have always called them "eskimo kisses", and I am guessing that is too racist to use now.
Love to paint my toes.
Feel sad that it takes so much time that I have not done it in ages, and have yucky chipped nails as a consequnce.
Love that it is getting colder so that no one can see my toes.
Feel bad because I really need to replace my socks and undies. All are very old and falling apart, but I just can't bring myself to spend the money.
Love the super cute santa dress I got M to wear on Christmas.
Feel bad that I didn't get a bib for thanksgiving, were they ever even out there? did I just miss them?
Love the idea of M's first christmas.
Feel bad that I am kind of sad that we won't be home but rather visiting relatives.
Love that I will set up a tree at home anyway.
Feel bad that Every year I mean to buy a live tree, but this year I just gave up and invested in a fake tree. (on sale at Target)
and the list goes on...
Feel bad that I do this when I am getting frustrated with her and need a "re-set"...Thank heavens for Target.
Love making new, homemade foods for M to try.
Feel bad that it hurts my feelings when she gags at the new flavor/texture...
Love holding M asleep in my arms.
Feel bad that I get so frustrated when she immediately starts to cry when I set her in her crib...
Love seeing M in real shoes and jeans and enjoying her new-found ability to stand.
Feel sad that baby M is gone...
Love getting things in the mail that I ordered.
Feel bad about all the boxes...
Love driving.
Feel bad that I now do this when I need some quiet time and it means M is safely strapped into her car seat...
Love dancing with M to cute nursery rhymes.
Feel bad that I only just discovered this...
Love that M has learned to do "bunny kisses" with me (touching foreheads, rubbing noses).
Feel bad because I have always called them "eskimo kisses", and I am guessing that is too racist to use now.
Love to paint my toes.
Feel sad that it takes so much time that I have not done it in ages, and have yucky chipped nails as a consequnce.
Love that it is getting colder so that no one can see my toes.
Feel bad because I really need to replace my socks and undies. All are very old and falling apart, but I just can't bring myself to spend the money.
Love the super cute santa dress I got M to wear on Christmas.
Feel bad that I didn't get a bib for thanksgiving, were they ever even out there? did I just miss them?
Love the idea of M's first christmas.
Feel bad that I am kind of sad that we won't be home but rather visiting relatives.
Love that I will set up a tree at home anyway.
Feel bad that Every year I mean to buy a live tree, but this year I just gave up and invested in a fake tree. (on sale at Target)
and the list goes on...
Friday, November 18, 2011
grad student follow up
Remember the guy that was causing me all kinds of annoyance? Well, I did fire his ass, as much as you can on an academic semester schedule. He is so clueless that he asked for a letter of recommendation for a fellowship he isn't qualified for, as I mentioned before as well.
The latest update is about an ongoing saga around the project he was assigned to do in the field last summer. So he got to go to the field, all paid for on my grant and including a salary, which is rare and unusual in my discipline. Field opportunities, esp paid ones, are few and far between for grad students, but much sought after.
He proceeded to not only ask that I pay for all of his unecessary vaccinations but also for sunglasses and boots. I had to say no to the latter two, but did cover the former out of my personal money, since my grant can't pay for vaccinations (and he never gave me the proper reciept documentation for me to use my more flexible funds despite my repeatedly explaining what I needed).
He went to the field with my colleague. I stayed home with the baby.
He proceeded to almost completely screw up one of our field vehicles and caused a huge nightmare getting into the field. He forgot his pen and field notebook on a regular basis. He forgot to bring a hat, as I had explicitly told him to bring, and got some sun poisoning despite the fact that I had given him 2 verbal warnings about how to avoid this and to be carful and written along detailed email about this. He didn't follow any of my advice on this front. All of the field crew guys kept saying that he was super lucky that I wasn't there. My colleague asked that he not come back next year, and has made it very clear that he thinks the guy is sloppy too.
And then he came home. I asked him to write up the rsults from the little project he was supposed to do. It is still not finished despite the fact that he has been working as a graduate student researcher for me all semester. He keeps sending me crap. No coherent outline, no proof reading, very poor writing.
On the latest version I told him that this was unacceptable and bad science.
He was pissed because I had cc'd the co-director on the project, who had been a part of all of the email correspondence and various draft edits. He was embarrassed and outraged that I would say he had done bad science in front of my colleague.
We met, although I really didn't want to because my patience is exhausted and I knew I'd get angry. He had all kinds of excuses about how mac and pc files don't transfer smoothly, etc. I forcefully told him that I really didn't care to hear any excuses because no matter what had happened he had sent me something that he hadn't proof read or put any serious effort into. He really pushed back and kept saying that he is wonderful and that I am a bad advisor. I told him that he is uneducable if he can't take constructive criticism, be self-critical, or willing to admit when he fucked up. I tried to explain that it undermines my confidence in the quality of the work done when the write-up is so sloppy, and that I was going to have to come up with the money somewhere to re-do everything he had done because I didn't trust him. I told him that I want him to vacate his desk on the last day of the semester whether he has a new advisor or not; he is not my student any longer as of that date.
The weird thing about this story is that I had given examples of the appropriate behavior he should have demonstrated, i.e., apologizing for sending work that wasn't complete, running drafts by only me if he didn't want the co-director to see my comments, etc.
He left the lab and was out all day after that. And then, you'll never guess this one, he did exactly what I had outlined that would have been the appropriate response rather than blaming me. Today he sent me a draft that he had actually worked on for the first time all semester, that included questions back to me about whether or not his writing was clear enough in certain places, etc.
Two questions for you:
1) what do you make of that odd about-face?
2) this is the first student I have had this kind of trouble with. He is also the only new student who came in during the year I was pregnant and then had a baby. He is a stereotypical big guy football-loving doofus. I have had trouble with him from early on sensing that he didn't really respect me. Because I am a woman? Pregnant and then had a baby? He seems obsessed with where I am from (a very poor part of the country). Is that more likely his problem? Or is he maybe just so insecure that he felt most comfortable working ith a female adviser but then felt like he's better than me, for whatever reason? He really really has trouble with my role as adviser and acts like he is a colleague rather than a very early graduate student... he even seems to think that he deserves all kinds of intellectual credit for the project he was hired to help with. What is your take?
The latest update is about an ongoing saga around the project he was assigned to do in the field last summer. So he got to go to the field, all paid for on my grant and including a salary, which is rare and unusual in my discipline. Field opportunities, esp paid ones, are few and far between for grad students, but much sought after.
He proceeded to not only ask that I pay for all of his unecessary vaccinations but also for sunglasses and boots. I had to say no to the latter two, but did cover the former out of my personal money, since my grant can't pay for vaccinations (and he never gave me the proper reciept documentation for me to use my more flexible funds despite my repeatedly explaining what I needed).
He went to the field with my colleague. I stayed home with the baby.
He proceeded to almost completely screw up one of our field vehicles and caused a huge nightmare getting into the field. He forgot his pen and field notebook on a regular basis. He forgot to bring a hat, as I had explicitly told him to bring, and got some sun poisoning despite the fact that I had given him 2 verbal warnings about how to avoid this and to be carful and written along detailed email about this. He didn't follow any of my advice on this front. All of the field crew guys kept saying that he was super lucky that I wasn't there. My colleague asked that he not come back next year, and has made it very clear that he thinks the guy is sloppy too.
And then he came home. I asked him to write up the rsults from the little project he was supposed to do. It is still not finished despite the fact that he has been working as a graduate student researcher for me all semester. He keeps sending me crap. No coherent outline, no proof reading, very poor writing.
On the latest version I told him that this was unacceptable and bad science.
He was pissed because I had cc'd the co-director on the project, who had been a part of all of the email correspondence and various draft edits. He was embarrassed and outraged that I would say he had done bad science in front of my colleague.
We met, although I really didn't want to because my patience is exhausted and I knew I'd get angry. He had all kinds of excuses about how mac and pc files don't transfer smoothly, etc. I forcefully told him that I really didn't care to hear any excuses because no matter what had happened he had sent me something that he hadn't proof read or put any serious effort into. He really pushed back and kept saying that he is wonderful and that I am a bad advisor. I told him that he is uneducable if he can't take constructive criticism, be self-critical, or willing to admit when he fucked up. I tried to explain that it undermines my confidence in the quality of the work done when the write-up is so sloppy, and that I was going to have to come up with the money somewhere to re-do everything he had done because I didn't trust him. I told him that I want him to vacate his desk on the last day of the semester whether he has a new advisor or not; he is not my student any longer as of that date.
The weird thing about this story is that I had given examples of the appropriate behavior he should have demonstrated, i.e., apologizing for sending work that wasn't complete, running drafts by only me if he didn't want the co-director to see my comments, etc.
He left the lab and was out all day after that. And then, you'll never guess this one, he did exactly what I had outlined that would have been the appropriate response rather than blaming me. Today he sent me a draft that he had actually worked on for the first time all semester, that included questions back to me about whether or not his writing was clear enough in certain places, etc.
Two questions for you:
1) what do you make of that odd about-face?
2) this is the first student I have had this kind of trouble with. He is also the only new student who came in during the year I was pregnant and then had a baby. He is a stereotypical big guy football-loving doofus. I have had trouble with him from early on sensing that he didn't really respect me. Because I am a woman? Pregnant and then had a baby? He seems obsessed with where I am from (a very poor part of the country). Is that more likely his problem? Or is he maybe just so insecure that he felt most comfortable working ith a female adviser but then felt like he's better than me, for whatever reason? He really really has trouble with my role as adviser and acts like he is a colleague rather than a very early graduate student... he even seems to think that he deserves all kinds of intellectual credit for the project he was hired to help with. What is your take?
Monday, November 14, 2011
no respite
This morning M had had enough of her play-yard and wanted to be held. We had just survived a meltdown in the highchair -- she has decided that solid food sucks and the tray on the highchair shouldn't be there. I ended up picking her up and nursing her instead. This meant no breakfast for me since I can't prepare food and nurse at the same time with a 22 pound baby. But that's ok, I can deal.
I was hanging in there, but those meltdowns are really tough on the nerves. And she'd had a few last night too. And we got up three times last night to nurse. But I was hanging in there. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept more than 3.5 hours in a row, since I didn't sleep well when I was pregnant either.
Then I really had to go to the toilet. So I managed to hold her on my lap. Then the phone rang. So I rang to the phone with my pants around my knees while holding M. Dh calling from the field, saying that he was going to go to bed early. (no comment)
I had a meeting at 9am, which is always a bad idea. As soon as I have to be somewhere that is when the shit hits the fan, almost literally every time. Clingy baby, uncooperative cat, every red light along the way, and of course, a poo-poo blow-out by the time we reach day care.
And why is it that I have so much stuff to carry around everywhere I go? Between the pumping supplies, milk, diaper bag, and computer jump drive, I carry three bags plus the baby-in-car-seat every morning when I leave the house. And this morning I also had the dirty diapers for the garbage and a bunch of new diapers for the day care supply. Some days I wish we could go back to nomadic hunter-gatherer times. So much less gear to carry everywhere.
We get into the car and all is fine on the way to school, except that we are already 30 minutes late for my meeting and I hit every single red light.
We arrive. I pick her up and carry her in. And of course, there is poo all over her pants. This is like the third time in a row this has happened on the way to daycare. Maybe I should just skip putting her in pants, but then what would catch the poo-overflow?
I made it to my meeting at 10:07am, as the last person was locking the door behind them.
I am so tired that I physically kind of ache. How many more weeks before Dh gets home? And then how long before he can mesh back into daily life and be helpful? Too many to be thinking like this.
Mads crawls these days, and as of yesterday she crawls fast. So amazing and so freaking cute, I love it. But the level of needed supervision just increased 10-fold. My clever little gorilla baby... 8 months old today! And honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. This is the happiest I've ever been in my life, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
My hat is off to all the single moms out there. I really don't know how you do it with a smile. It's hard, and I am finding that I have to catch myself a couple of times a day from getting really frustrated. Breathe deeply.
I was hanging in there, but those meltdowns are really tough on the nerves. And she'd had a few last night too. And we got up three times last night to nurse. But I was hanging in there. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept more than 3.5 hours in a row, since I didn't sleep well when I was pregnant either.
Then I really had to go to the toilet. So I managed to hold her on my lap. Then the phone rang. So I rang to the phone with my pants around my knees while holding M. Dh calling from the field, saying that he was going to go to bed early. (no comment)
I had a meeting at 9am, which is always a bad idea. As soon as I have to be somewhere that is when the shit hits the fan, almost literally every time. Clingy baby, uncooperative cat, every red light along the way, and of course, a poo-poo blow-out by the time we reach day care.
And why is it that I have so much stuff to carry around everywhere I go? Between the pumping supplies, milk, diaper bag, and computer jump drive, I carry three bags plus the baby-in-car-seat every morning when I leave the house. And this morning I also had the dirty diapers for the garbage and a bunch of new diapers for the day care supply. Some days I wish we could go back to nomadic hunter-gatherer times. So much less gear to carry everywhere.
We get into the car and all is fine on the way to school, except that we are already 30 minutes late for my meeting and I hit every single red light.
We arrive. I pick her up and carry her in. And of course, there is poo all over her pants. This is like the third time in a row this has happened on the way to daycare. Maybe I should just skip putting her in pants, but then what would catch the poo-overflow?
I made it to my meeting at 10:07am, as the last person was locking the door behind them.
I am so tired that I physically kind of ache. How many more weeks before Dh gets home? And then how long before he can mesh back into daily life and be helpful? Too many to be thinking like this.
Mads crawls these days, and as of yesterday she crawls fast. So amazing and so freaking cute, I love it. But the level of needed supervision just increased 10-fold. My clever little gorilla baby... 8 months old today! And honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. This is the happiest I've ever been in my life, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
My hat is off to all the single moms out there. I really don't know how you do it with a smile. It's hard, and I am finding that I have to catch myself a couple of times a day from getting really frustrated. Breathe deeply.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
A rant post, be forewarned if you don't like controversy
I am feeling disgusted and frustrated today. Not by anything specific that has happened in my little microcosm of the universe but by things in the national news here in the US.
1) Herman Cain
It goes without saying that I think sexual harassment says a lot about a person's true feelings about equity between the sexes and personal entitlement. Let's ignore that for a minute and go to my jaded disgust.
Why does anyone think that accusations of sexual harassment will have any negative effect on Herman Cain's campaign for president? From what I have seen very few people in this country seem to think that disrespecting women is a problem.
I mean really, we live in a country where more and more people think that women shouldn't have access to birth control but rather be taught to save themselves for marriage, shouldn't be given a vaccine to protect them against cervical cancer because they shouldn't be having sex anyway (but it's a different story for boys), and that if they do have sex they shouldn't have to the right to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. It's like we are moving back towards medieval times in terms of women's rights. What happened to us? I am so afraid that I will end up having had more freedom and control over my body than my daughter will.
2) Penn State
I am not a huge fan by any measure of the financial burden that Division 1A collegiate sports puts on the academic mission of universities (for example, my university spends on average $13million a year out of our academic funds to support an increasingly expensive intercollegiate athletics program -- yes it brings in a lot of money but it spends $13 million more than it raises, at the same time that we are closing down the recreational facilities for all the other students on campus, oh, and no longer have a gynecologist at our student health center...)
But I did think that if there was a big-time football program that might have some dignity to it that this would be Penn State and Joe Paterno.
How wrong I appear to have been. If Penn State can't even do it then I don't think there is a respectable Division 1A football program out there. Disgusting I tell you, disgusting.
It will be an interesting test of moral decency to see if people's love of "the gladiators" amongst us overwhelms their aversion to abusing children. I hate to say it, but I'm afraid that most people will defend the gladiators and forget about those little boys.
1) Herman Cain
It goes without saying that I think sexual harassment says a lot about a person's true feelings about equity between the sexes and personal entitlement. Let's ignore that for a minute and go to my jaded disgust.
Why does anyone think that accusations of sexual harassment will have any negative effect on Herman Cain's campaign for president? From what I have seen very few people in this country seem to think that disrespecting women is a problem.
I mean really, we live in a country where more and more people think that women shouldn't have access to birth control but rather be taught to save themselves for marriage, shouldn't be given a vaccine to protect them against cervical cancer because they shouldn't be having sex anyway (but it's a different story for boys), and that if they do have sex they shouldn't have to the right to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. It's like we are moving back towards medieval times in terms of women's rights. What happened to us? I am so afraid that I will end up having had more freedom and control over my body than my daughter will.
2) Penn State
I am not a huge fan by any measure of the financial burden that Division 1A collegiate sports puts on the academic mission of universities (for example, my university spends on average $13million a year out of our academic funds to support an increasingly expensive intercollegiate athletics program -- yes it brings in a lot of money but it spends $13 million more than it raises, at the same time that we are closing down the recreational facilities for all the other students on campus, oh, and no longer have a gynecologist at our student health center...)
But I did think that if there was a big-time football program that might have some dignity to it that this would be Penn State and Joe Paterno.
How wrong I appear to have been. If Penn State can't even do it then I don't think there is a respectable Division 1A football program out there. Disgusting I tell you, disgusting.
It will be an interesting test of moral decency to see if people's love of "the gladiators" amongst us overwhelms their aversion to abusing children. I hate to say it, but I'm afraid that most people will defend the gladiators and forget about those little boys.
things I did today
I bought this hat. I might look like a dork but it sure makes me feel cute.
I made a pan of ghiradelli brownies and ate 2/3 of them. Yes, it was a big regular-sized pan. And yes, I really did eat 2/3 of it.
I wrote 6 paragraphs of a research paper that I am extremely excited about. Like, extremely excited. It is the finale of three grants I have had & something I have wanted to do since graduate school.
I met a woman who took her 11 month old to the field. She agreed that my field site is a bit too remote for taking M, but it was nice to have some comaraderie on the women-with-babies-who-do-fieldwork-in-africa issue. There aren't very many of us that I know of.
I made a pan of ghiradelli brownies and ate 2/3 of them. Yes, it was a big regular-sized pan. And yes, I really did eat 2/3 of it.
I wrote 6 paragraphs of a research paper that I am extremely excited about. Like, extremely excited. It is the finale of three grants I have had & something I have wanted to do since graduate school.
I met a woman who took her 11 month old to the field. She agreed that my field site is a bit too remote for taking M, but it was nice to have some comaraderie on the women-with-babies-who-do-fieldwork-in-africa issue. There aren't very many of us that I know of.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
why?
First off, where does time go? I kept thinking that I needed to post and catch up on my blog reading, but it wasn't until I got those sweet "what the heck happened to you?" cooments that it dawned on me just how long it has been... thank you all for checking in on me!
Life is good but busy, and busy good not busy bad. M and I have been on several adventures. We flew to DC and then Nashville to visit family. Which begs my first "why" question.
Why do some airlines not have changing tables in their bathrooms? We were on 2 United Airlines flights and it totally sucked, not to mention seems pretty dangerous. And M wasn't the only baby on either flight.
Why # 2... why did the grad student who I have kicked out if my lab as of December ask me for a letter of recommendation for a fellowship application? Just goes to show how stupid he is...
Why # 3... why did the kind lady in the YMCA dressing room who offered to hold M while I changed out of my wet bathing suit (we went to our first swim class!) not finish putting on her shirt before taking her from me? M was all kinds of confused about why she couldn't try the new milk source... weird I tell you. But I was really grateful for the help. The logistics of swim class almost overwhelm the fun of swim class. BTW, do you really think that baby swim diapers actually do any good or is it just a charade? seems sketchy to me.
Why # 4... when nursing in public, and only in public, why does M like to hold onto my shirt and straighten out her arm, therby raising my shirt the full length of her arm and exposing all of my bosom? The only time I didn't mind was when the guy sitting beside me on one of those plane trips was kind of a jerk and I could tell the nursing made him really really uncomfortable. So we nursed a lot on that flight... :)
Why # 5... Dh is out of town for 3 months. I hate to say this out loud, as I do really miss him, but why does it seem like things are in many ways easier without him around?
Love, inB
Life is good but busy, and busy good not busy bad. M and I have been on several adventures. We flew to DC and then Nashville to visit family. Which begs my first "why" question.
Why do some airlines not have changing tables in their bathrooms? We were on 2 United Airlines flights and it totally sucked, not to mention seems pretty dangerous. And M wasn't the only baby on either flight.
Why # 2... why did the grad student who I have kicked out if my lab as of December ask me for a letter of recommendation for a fellowship application? Just goes to show how stupid he is...
Why # 3... why did the kind lady in the YMCA dressing room who offered to hold M while I changed out of my wet bathing suit (we went to our first swim class!) not finish putting on her shirt before taking her from me? M was all kinds of confused about why she couldn't try the new milk source... weird I tell you. But I was really grateful for the help. The logistics of swim class almost overwhelm the fun of swim class. BTW, do you really think that baby swim diapers actually do any good or is it just a charade? seems sketchy to me.
Why # 4... when nursing in public, and only in public, why does M like to hold onto my shirt and straighten out her arm, therby raising my shirt the full length of her arm and exposing all of my bosom? The only time I didn't mind was when the guy sitting beside me on one of those plane trips was kind of a jerk and I could tell the nursing made him really really uncomfortable. So we nursed a lot on that flight... :)
Why # 5... Dh is out of town for 3 months. I hate to say this out loud, as I do really miss him, but why does it seem like things are in many ways easier without him around?
Love, inB
Friday, September 9, 2011
Graduate student trouble
I have this guy in my lab who I currently fund off of an NSF grant. He is not particularly good at what I need him to do, but I didn't have any other options at the time so had to go with him. This also meant that he got to go to the field this past summer, where he massively under-impressed my colleagues (the co-director on the project even suggested that I put someone else on the project, and this is one of the most laid-back, nicest guys on the planet). I'm working on this, but obviously can't do it overnight. So I'm stuck with him for this semester while I sneaky transition his project over to my new graduate student who will likely be really good at this.
This guy came into my lab with a pretty inchoate idea of what he wanted to do for a dissertation project. (For some background, in our department students typically do not do a subset of their advisor's work for their thesis but rather have to develop an independent project.) He had some general interests that are better suited for a different lab and somewhat tangential to my work (and IMHO rather boring), but I was very clear with him that if he came into my lab he needed to get his ideas more in line with the kinds of projects that I can supervise.
For the last 1.5 years he has continued to come back to me with dissertation ideas that are in this boring area of research that I don't do. We have the same conversation over and over and over. I have told him more than once that if this is what he wants to do he would be better off trying to switch advisors/labs.
But here he sits, always sort-of seeming to adjust his direction by the end of each of these conversations, but it does not appear to sink in.
And yesterday he missed our first lab meeting of the semester so that he could go to a meeting with another graduate student with whom he is collaborating on a little project on Topic Boring (from the lab of the faculty member who does Topic Boring very well).
He did not send me an email either telling me that he was going to miss the lab meeting, or apologizing for missing it (and why) once he remembered that he missed it. I asked him this morning where he was and he said he had mistakenly scheduled another meeting. I then ask what the meeting was that he deemed more important than our lab meeting. He tells me, Topic Boring with graduate student Y. I ask him what he plans to do to about missing the meeting, and he says that he talked to the other graduate students in my lab. I then asked who was paying for his salary and his tuition last semester, this summer, and this semester. He says, "I guess you want me to say 'you'." And I then ask him why he didn't write to me, apologize, or explain what happened TO ME. He said he didn't have an reason.
I said, "yes you did, it is because you are disrespectful."
What would you do with this guy? I am leaning towards finding a graceful way to get him the hell out of my lab. I have a wonderful relationship with all of my other students and we get along great, and I bend over backwards to make sure they have as many opportunities as I can provide for them and that they get good jobs when they leave my lab. But there is a lot of mutual respect there and so it is easy to be inspired to go the distance for them. I don't get this sense at all from this guy.
This guy came into my lab with a pretty inchoate idea of what he wanted to do for a dissertation project. (For some background, in our department students typically do not do a subset of their advisor's work for their thesis but rather have to develop an independent project.) He had some general interests that are better suited for a different lab and somewhat tangential to my work (and IMHO rather boring), but I was very clear with him that if he came into my lab he needed to get his ideas more in line with the kinds of projects that I can supervise.
For the last 1.5 years he has continued to come back to me with dissertation ideas that are in this boring area of research that I don't do. We have the same conversation over and over and over. I have told him more than once that if this is what he wants to do he would be better off trying to switch advisors/labs.
But here he sits, always sort-of seeming to adjust his direction by the end of each of these conversations, but it does not appear to sink in.
And yesterday he missed our first lab meeting of the semester so that he could go to a meeting with another graduate student with whom he is collaborating on a little project on Topic Boring (from the lab of the faculty member who does Topic Boring very well).
He did not send me an email either telling me that he was going to miss the lab meeting, or apologizing for missing it (and why) once he remembered that he missed it. I asked him this morning where he was and he said he had mistakenly scheduled another meeting. I then ask what the meeting was that he deemed more important than our lab meeting. He tells me, Topic Boring with graduate student Y. I ask him what he plans to do to about missing the meeting, and he says that he talked to the other graduate students in my lab. I then asked who was paying for his salary and his tuition last semester, this summer, and this semester. He says, "I guess you want me to say 'you'." And I then ask him why he didn't write to me, apologize, or explain what happened TO ME. He said he didn't have an reason.
I said, "yes you did, it is because you are disrespectful."
What would you do with this guy? I am leaning towards finding a graceful way to get him the hell out of my lab. I have a wonderful relationship with all of my other students and we get along great, and I bend over backwards to make sure they have as many opportunities as I can provide for them and that they get good jobs when they leave my lab. But there is a lot of mutual respect there and so it is easy to be inspired to go the distance for them. I don't get this sense at all from this guy.
Monday, September 5, 2011
It's been a long week
I miss sleep.
She wakes up about every 1.5-2 hours; at least last night she only needed me for two of those wake-ups, but I still wake up and listen intently to her for about 5 minutes every time she calls out to make sure she falls back to sleep. This is not what I call restful sleep, and did I mention that I have come down with the cold-from-hell too? Oof.
I hate to admit this but I am SO looking forward to daycare tomorrow. Mads is wonderful, but this week has been intense and I'm really tired. I kept her home all last week because her cough was so awful, she needed meds, she couldn't lay down without a horrible coughing fit, and I really didn't want to risk her getting all those other kids so sick. There are a couple of 3 month old babies in her "class" and that would be really sad for someone so freaking little. Mads' 6 months was little and sad enough.
I have come to realize that I am a much better mama if I have some time away from the pip squeak.
One of the good things that came from all of this is that Dh took care of Mads on Saturday from 1-10pm by himself so I could go to school and get some work done. Yesterday he was a changed man, saying things like, "are you sure you are ok to take care of her *all day* by yourself? it's a lot of work and kind of stressful." He even noticed that it is not so relaxing to watch TV after she goes to sleep 'cause you gotta listen for her. :)
I loved the time at work. It was the first time since Mads was born that I went to school and didn't have to watch the clock in order to be back in time to relieve the nanny or pick her up from day care. While I totally love picking Maddy up, it was nice to let my mind be free of the responsibility for a night.
(BTW, I think I traumatized my child by suctioning her nose. She won't let me anywhere near her nose now, hence the huge boogy in her left nostril. Poor Tiny Tot)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Research problem: need to sleep
Remember the cold that Dh brought home with him? Well, my tiny tot came down with it on Friday night. By Saturday afternoon she was truly a snotty kid, and by Monday morning her cough was so bad I took her in to see the doctor.
(as an aside, do any of you find it difficult not to refer to pediatrician as the vet? try as I might I can't stop automatically saying that I took Mads to the vet's... so now I just call it the baby vet.)
Luckily Mads hasn't yet had a fever, so I was mostly just worried because she was wheezy and having to use some effort to breath a little more than usual.
Turns out that it is really common for babies to get bronchulitis, and she had only a mild case. But the baby vet sent us home with albuterol and a vapor machine thing to give her 3-4 times a day. She hates it by the way, it kind of smells funny and is weird.
Needless to say the last few days have been kind of hard. But the nights even moreso. Mads couldn't sleep for more than about 1.5 hours before waking herself up with a scary coughing fit or because her nose was so stuffed up she couldn't really breath right. And even worse, from her perspective, her nose was so stuffed up that she couldn't suck her thumb.
I was exhausted by Monday morning after 3 nights of this. It was like having a newborn again without the adrenaline rush to keep me going. I was losing my mental abilities again -- for example I was at the pharmacy picking up her prescription and had to sign for it. The form also required me to state the signer's relationship to the patient. I had to read this aloud to myself three times before I could figure out that the answer was "mother".
Anyway, back to the point of this post.
I had some mothering break-throughs yesterday.
1) she screamed bloody murder the whole time, but it really did seem to help when I suctioned her nose. So, I just got strong and held her head down tight and suctioned that nose out last night. She forgave me and fell asleep on my shoulder within minutes of the horrible-scary-thing.
2) parenting has some serious similarities to my work, and as a consequence some of the same feelings of reward.
Background:
Designing and running research projects means that I have to figure out the important parameters of a problem and then determine what data I need to test a hypothesis. A sick baby is like a research problem. After 3 nights I knew that I wanted her to be comfortable, but that my initial approach was way too labor intensive. I was getting up and holding her for hours. She was sleeping, but I was losing my mind and starting to get sick.
Problem:
how to get her comfortable enough that she can sleep but that I can at least sort-of sleep
Solution:
car seat on the bed between dh and me.
Materials and Methods:
Mads first went to sleep in her crib at 5:30pm last night. This only worked for about 30 minutes, and she was up coughing. After time in a steamy bathroom, lots of soothing, and other attempts at a longer-term solution (ranging from putting folded blankets under her crib mattress so she wouldn't be flat to starting to resign myself to having to hold her all night), we had the creative break-through.
My child really doesn't like the car seat, so I was not sure how I was going to be able to get the vision to work out logistically, but after an hour or so (and lots of lullabies, hushing, and nursing) she zonked out in the car seat at 11:30pm last night. I barely fit on the bed too, but I was laying down and could sort-of sleep. Tiny tot coughed and shuffled and did all kinds of weird things that kept me from sleeping well, but she stayed asleep until about 5am when I fed her, and amazingly was able to put her right back in the car seat and to sleep. And then she woke up again at 7am.
Well, she didn't really wake up on her own. She did a HUGE poopoo and Dh just had to get in her face and marvel at what she'd just done. This of course woke her up, but that wasn't a big deal because it was 7am and not 5am!!!
Goal accomplished. She was comfortable enough to sleep and I was comfortable enough to sort-of sleep. I am feeling very proud of myself today. And you know what Tiny Tot is doing right now?
napping in her car seat in her crib.
(as an aside, do any of you find it difficult not to refer to pediatrician as the vet? try as I might I can't stop automatically saying that I took Mads to the vet's... so now I just call it the baby vet.)
Luckily Mads hasn't yet had a fever, so I was mostly just worried because she was wheezy and having to use some effort to breath a little more than usual.
Turns out that it is really common for babies to get bronchulitis, and she had only a mild case. But the baby vet sent us home with albuterol and a vapor machine thing to give her 3-4 times a day. She hates it by the way, it kind of smells funny and is weird.
Needless to say the last few days have been kind of hard. But the nights even moreso. Mads couldn't sleep for more than about 1.5 hours before waking herself up with a scary coughing fit or because her nose was so stuffed up she couldn't really breath right. And even worse, from her perspective, her nose was so stuffed up that she couldn't suck her thumb.
I was exhausted by Monday morning after 3 nights of this. It was like having a newborn again without the adrenaline rush to keep me going. I was losing my mental abilities again -- for example I was at the pharmacy picking up her prescription and had to sign for it. The form also required me to state the signer's relationship to the patient. I had to read this aloud to myself three times before I could figure out that the answer was "mother".
Anyway, back to the point of this post.
I had some mothering break-throughs yesterday.
1) she screamed bloody murder the whole time, but it really did seem to help when I suctioned her nose. So, I just got strong and held her head down tight and suctioned that nose out last night. She forgave me and fell asleep on my shoulder within minutes of the horrible-scary-thing.
2) parenting has some serious similarities to my work, and as a consequence some of the same feelings of reward.
Background:
Designing and running research projects means that I have to figure out the important parameters of a problem and then determine what data I need to test a hypothesis. A sick baby is like a research problem. After 3 nights I knew that I wanted her to be comfortable, but that my initial approach was way too labor intensive. I was getting up and holding her for hours. She was sleeping, but I was losing my mind and starting to get sick.
Problem:
how to get her comfortable enough that she can sleep but that I can at least sort-of sleep
Solution:
car seat on the bed between dh and me.
Materials and Methods:
Mads first went to sleep in her crib at 5:30pm last night. This only worked for about 30 minutes, and she was up coughing. After time in a steamy bathroom, lots of soothing, and other attempts at a longer-term solution (ranging from putting folded blankets under her crib mattress so she wouldn't be flat to starting to resign myself to having to hold her all night), we had the creative break-through.
My child really doesn't like the car seat, so I was not sure how I was going to be able to get the vision to work out logistically, but after an hour or so (and lots of lullabies, hushing, and nursing) she zonked out in the car seat at 11:30pm last night. I barely fit on the bed too, but I was laying down and could sort-of sleep. Tiny tot coughed and shuffled and did all kinds of weird things that kept me from sleeping well, but she stayed asleep until about 5am when I fed her, and amazingly was able to put her right back in the car seat and to sleep. And then she woke up again at 7am.
Well, she didn't really wake up on her own. She did a HUGE poopoo and Dh just had to get in her face and marvel at what she'd just done. This of course woke her up, but that wasn't a big deal because it was 7am and not 5am!!!
Goal accomplished. She was comfortable enough to sleep and I was comfortable enough to sort-of sleep. I am feeling very proud of myself today. And you know what Tiny Tot is doing right now?
napping in her car seat in her crib.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tapped out
Thanks for your comments on yesterday's displeased-with-dh post. I have been thinking lots about it today. It bothers me that I feel so pissed off but that I can't really put my finger on what it is that is bothering me.
Here's my current idea. I think I am getting tapped out on the spouting love. Dh has been overseas for the last month and because of how the poor phone system works it is best if I call him. But this requires the use of an annoying phone card, lines into the country that don't always work and are often busy, a hotel front desk clerk that gets too excited saying "hello" over and over again that they can't hear me and then hang up, etc. I can easily spend 30 minutes just trying to get dh's voice on the line for a quick hello. Imagine this with a little baby on your lap... When I do get through Dh likes to complain about the crap that he's dealing with. I would then share a cute story about Mads, and then it was time to go. Did you notice there that we never talked about me? Yep, there many phone calls when I wasn't even asked how I was doing.
Every day I emailed him a video or a few photos of Mads so he could see what she was up to.
And then there were the afternoons I took Mads over to see Dh's mom while he was gone.
And then there is the blog that Maddy writes for our families, so that takes up time every other day but my mom and dh's mom LOVE it so much that I am really happy to do it.
And I went to visit family, so of course there was a lot of emotional energy expenditure and emotional stuff I would have liked to have talked with dh about. Mom threw a couple of parties, so that was emotional expenditure, numerous thank-you notes to write, etc. All nice, but kind of exhausting.
Oh, and did I tell you about how dh had said he'd leave the same day Mads and I did but later in the day so that he could give us a ride to the airport, to make my life easier? yea, well, he messed up and actually bought a ticket that had him on the red eye the night before we left so that I and a baby-past-her-bedtime took him and one of his students to the airport at 11pm the night before I had an 8am pick-up for our taxi ride to the airport. And we live about an hour away from the airport. Needless to say, I only got about 3 hours of sleep the night before I took Mads on her first airplane flight. Thanks Dh.
And now it is the start of the semester and all these students need something from me.
I think maybe I have run out of emotional energy to give. Mads gives me smiles and laughs and makes everything I do for her rewarding. But honestly, no one else does.
I need to feel some love back from the spouse. In many ways it was a little easier when he wasn't here and I knew it was all on me. But now that he's back I could really use a boost. But unfortunately my husband is the type who believes that since he told me that he thinks I am beautiful in 1996 that that should suffice until the end of our lives...
Is this a permanent woman condition?
Here's my current idea. I think I am getting tapped out on the spouting love. Dh has been overseas for the last month and because of how the poor phone system works it is best if I call him. But this requires the use of an annoying phone card, lines into the country that don't always work and are often busy, a hotel front desk clerk that gets too excited saying "hello" over and over again that they can't hear me and then hang up, etc. I can easily spend 30 minutes just trying to get dh's voice on the line for a quick hello. Imagine this with a little baby on your lap... When I do get through Dh likes to complain about the crap that he's dealing with. I would then share a cute story about Mads, and then it was time to go. Did you notice there that we never talked about me? Yep, there many phone calls when I wasn't even asked how I was doing.
Every day I emailed him a video or a few photos of Mads so he could see what she was up to.
And then there were the afternoons I took Mads over to see Dh's mom while he was gone.
And then there is the blog that Maddy writes for our families, so that takes up time every other day but my mom and dh's mom LOVE it so much that I am really happy to do it.
And I went to visit family, so of course there was a lot of emotional energy expenditure and emotional stuff I would have liked to have talked with dh about. Mom threw a couple of parties, so that was emotional expenditure, numerous thank-you notes to write, etc. All nice, but kind of exhausting.
Oh, and did I tell you about how dh had said he'd leave the same day Mads and I did but later in the day so that he could give us a ride to the airport, to make my life easier? yea, well, he messed up and actually bought a ticket that had him on the red eye the night before we left so that I and a baby-past-her-bedtime took him and one of his students to the airport at 11pm the night before I had an 8am pick-up for our taxi ride to the airport. And we live about an hour away from the airport. Needless to say, I only got about 3 hours of sleep the night before I took Mads on her first airplane flight. Thanks Dh.
And now it is the start of the semester and all these students need something from me.
I think maybe I have run out of emotional energy to give. Mads gives me smiles and laughs and makes everything I do for her rewarding. But honestly, no one else does.
I need to feel some love back from the spouse. In many ways it was a little easier when he wasn't here and I knew it was all on me. But now that he's back I could really use a boost. But unfortunately my husband is the type who believes that since he told me that he thinks I am beautiful in 1996 that that should suffice until the end of our lives...
Is this a permanent woman condition?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
conditional love
I used to think that I love my husband unconditionally. Now that I have Madsy, I know that this is not true.
I love Mads unconditionally.
I expect things from my husband.
And I have been surprised by just how frustrated I am by his usual inability to do these things.
I feel like I am being mean, and I try to stop myself. But I just can't.
For example, Mads sometimes pees in between diapers and gets the changing pad cover all wet. He never replaces it but leaves it wet. I then set Mads down for her next diaper change and notice that it is wet and her clothes are now wet from whatever it was that made the pad wet. I have to ask if Mads peed on it and he always says "yes". WTF?
Another example, we have two bathrooms. One is close to our bedroom and Maddy's room. The other is a floor away next to the guest bedroom and very cold. I have been using the cold bathroom for the last year or two because Dh said I should use it since it was the refinished one (we recently remodeled our house). Ok, whatever.
When Dh was out of town for the last month I moved into the closer bathroom so that I could hear Madsy when I took a shower and was getting dressed. I decided that I did not want to move out when he came home, so I stayed. He then suggested that he move down to the cold bathroom. Ok. But his idea of "move" was to take the new bar of soap that he opened and leave the 8 little soap-bar-remainders in the shower. I don't use this soap and he knows it, so it isn't like he was leaving them for me to use. He left them for me to clean up. Small, I know. But come on.
And the last example... he has a cold that he picked up on his flight home. This has of course rendered him absolutely incapacitated. He insists that he doesn't want to touch Maddy so that he won't get her sick. But when I suggest that he just wash his hands a lot he completely ignores me. The couple of times I have managed to get him to wash his hands he runs them under the water for 2 seconds and then dries them. No soap. WTF?
And then this morning he is sitting on the footstool in her room "watching" her play on the floor while I was getting a bunch of stuff ready so we could go take his mom out for a picnic lunch. Remember, he won't touch Maddy so as not to get her sick, but he was coughing and coughing right over her without covering his mouth or even coughing in a different direction. She was literally laying underneath his mouth as he coughed. Again, WTF?
I have others but I am feeling kind of mean and petty to be writing them out. Am I the only new mom who has oodles and oodles of patience for the baby but absolutely none for her husband? How do I get my head into a better place?
I love Mads unconditionally.
I expect things from my husband.
And I have been surprised by just how frustrated I am by his usual inability to do these things.
I feel like I am being mean, and I try to stop myself. But I just can't.
For example, Mads sometimes pees in between diapers and gets the changing pad cover all wet. He never replaces it but leaves it wet. I then set Mads down for her next diaper change and notice that it is wet and her clothes are now wet from whatever it was that made the pad wet. I have to ask if Mads peed on it and he always says "yes". WTF?
Another example, we have two bathrooms. One is close to our bedroom and Maddy's room. The other is a floor away next to the guest bedroom and very cold. I have been using the cold bathroom for the last year or two because Dh said I should use it since it was the refinished one (we recently remodeled our house). Ok, whatever.
When Dh was out of town for the last month I moved into the closer bathroom so that I could hear Madsy when I took a shower and was getting dressed. I decided that I did not want to move out when he came home, so I stayed. He then suggested that he move down to the cold bathroom. Ok. But his idea of "move" was to take the new bar of soap that he opened and leave the 8 little soap-bar-remainders in the shower. I don't use this soap and he knows it, so it isn't like he was leaving them for me to use. He left them for me to clean up. Small, I know. But come on.
And the last example... he has a cold that he picked up on his flight home. This has of course rendered him absolutely incapacitated. He insists that he doesn't want to touch Maddy so that he won't get her sick. But when I suggest that he just wash his hands a lot he completely ignores me. The couple of times I have managed to get him to wash his hands he runs them under the water for 2 seconds and then dries them. No soap. WTF?
And then this morning he is sitting on the footstool in her room "watching" her play on the floor while I was getting a bunch of stuff ready so we could go take his mom out for a picnic lunch. Remember, he won't touch Maddy so as not to get her sick, but he was coughing and coughing right over her without covering his mouth or even coughing in a different direction. She was literally laying underneath his mouth as he coughed. Again, WTF?
I have others but I am feeling kind of mean and petty to be writing them out. Am I the only new mom who has oodles and oodles of patience for the baby but absolutely none for her husband? How do I get my head into a better place?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
I finally found it.
I am now over 5 months into this breast feeding gig.
7 bras, 5 emotional breakdowns, and about $350 into it I have finally found a nursing bra that really, and I mean really works for me. It's this one:
The Bravado Bliss. If that were a picture of me you'd see an even goofier elated grin.
I never thought I'd like a padded bra since it just adds more to my already ample breasts, but this is awesome. I am supported. The padding catches little leaks so I can skip on the breast pad, which I have grown to hate after numerous experiences similar to this one. I have support so my breasts don't hang around my elbows. AND, that extra support and normal breast location means that I can actually fit into some of my pre-pregnancy shirts when I have on this bra. As some of you will remember, this is a big deal for me.
I just ordered two more because I'm really needing to wash the one I have. Love, love love. You have no idea how much better I feel with a good bra on.
Geez, I sound like a really bad commercial...
7 bras, 5 emotional breakdowns, and about $350 into it I have finally found a nursing bra that really, and I mean really works for me. It's this one:
I never thought I'd like a padded bra since it just adds more to my already ample breasts, but this is awesome. I am supported. The padding catches little leaks so I can skip on the breast pad, which I have grown to hate after numerous experiences similar to this one. I have support so my breasts don't hang around my elbows. AND, that extra support and normal breast location means that I can actually fit into some of my pre-pregnancy shirts when I have on this bra. As some of you will remember, this is a big deal for me.
I just ordered two more because I'm really needing to wash the one I have. Love, love love. You have no idea how much better I feel with a good bra on.
Geez, I sound like a really bad commercial...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
coked up baby
When Mads and I got home this afternoon she was tired and went for a nap. I was tired and hungry and went for a snack. Yummy humus, oh, and there was a lone can of coca.cola hiding in the back corner of the fridge left over from a party we had in May. It looked so good and sounded like a perfect match with the humus, and I knew the sugar/caffeine boost would be a nice mood boost.
This evening my child was getting nicely tired, had a good bath, all was looking set for another easy bed time. Until she nursed. And then she couldn't relax enough to go to sleep. About an hour into the won't-go-to-sleep thing it dawns on me...
This is why I don't like to keep soda in the house. I can't be trusted to think it through.
This evening my child was getting nicely tired, had a good bath, all was looking set for another easy bed time. Until she nursed. And then she couldn't relax enough to go to sleep. About an hour into the won't-go-to-sleep thing it dawns on me...
This is why I don't like to keep soda in the house. I can't be trusted to think it through.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Postpartum depression
I feel wonderful. I feel happy. In fact, these last five months have been the best of my life. I have always felt like I could take care of my baby. Of course there have been a couple of minor lack-of-self-confidence moments but these were mostly about my not being able to be a really great mom rather than an adequate mom. I have never doubted my ability to be an adequate mother.
But this morning I was listening to this story on NPR about postpartum depression.
I have been thinking of posting about some thoughts that do frequently cross my mind. I had decided not to because it would sound like a bigger deal than it is. But this news story about a psychiatric unit dedicated to treating postpartum depression really struck a cord with me.
One of the doctors interviewed talked about how women with postpartum depression have images in their head of things like knives sticking into their babies, and that they will avoid the kitchen for fear of this happening.
I do this. I have done this since she was born. I still do this, even today. I cringe at the sight of knives and make a very conscious effort to be super careful. I do it with other things too, although knives are my biggest fear.
I am struck by the vulnerability of my baby. I buttoned up her PJs this morning and thought about how she needs help with everything. A month or so ago I was overwhelmed with this thought: if I laid her outside the front door at night she couldn't do anything about it and would be there the next morning unless the racoons took her. It broke my heart.
I wonder if postpartum depression is at one end of a range, and that the middle part of the range is really important for mothering. Here's my thought. To mother you need empathy, right? And so imagining bad things happening to your helpless infant helps evoke even more empathy than women may have had prior to birth. I could cry at the horrible images that come into my mind sometimes and it makes me hold Maddy super tight and feel even more committed to keeping her safe.
Since most things about our biology have a normal distribution, there are going to be a few women who have these thoughts to a debilitating degree whereas there are others that won't have them at all. But, the majority of women will have them but be inspired to take even better care of their infants because of them.
What do you think? I am normal? Do you have these images in your mind too since your baby was born? Or maybe, I do have a bit of postpartum depression.
But this morning I was listening to this story on NPR about postpartum depression.
I have been thinking of posting about some thoughts that do frequently cross my mind. I had decided not to because it would sound like a bigger deal than it is. But this news story about a psychiatric unit dedicated to treating postpartum depression really struck a cord with me.
One of the doctors interviewed talked about how women with postpartum depression have images in their head of things like knives sticking into their babies, and that they will avoid the kitchen for fear of this happening.
I do this. I have done this since she was born. I still do this, even today. I cringe at the sight of knives and make a very conscious effort to be super careful. I do it with other things too, although knives are my biggest fear.
I am struck by the vulnerability of my baby. I buttoned up her PJs this morning and thought about how she needs help with everything. A month or so ago I was overwhelmed with this thought: if I laid her outside the front door at night she couldn't do anything about it and would be there the next morning unless the racoons took her. It broke my heart.
I wonder if postpartum depression is at one end of a range, and that the middle part of the range is really important for mothering. Here's my thought. To mother you need empathy, right? And so imagining bad things happening to your helpless infant helps evoke even more empathy than women may have had prior to birth. I could cry at the horrible images that come into my mind sometimes and it makes me hold Maddy super tight and feel even more committed to keeping her safe.
Since most things about our biology have a normal distribution, there are going to be a few women who have these thoughts to a debilitating degree whereas there are others that won't have them at all. But, the majority of women will have them but be inspired to take even better care of their infants because of them.
What do you think? I am normal? Do you have these images in your mind too since your baby was born? Or maybe, I do have a bit of postpartum depression.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Do you pump at work?
I have been pumping at school for the two days a week I've been going in for a few months now. I lug my pump with me and take 30 minutes to do two-breasted hands-free pumping sometime in the middle of the day. I am not good at mimicking the nursing if I were at home because it would take more time. I feel a little uncomfortable pumping at work.
Ok, honestly, I hate pumping. I feel uncomfortable pumping ANYWHERE.
But now that I am going to start being at work for 4-5 hours a day during the week I need to come up with a system that works better. I dislike pumping in my office because we have thin walls and I know that the graduate students in my lab can hear it.
Another thing to add into the equation: I am going to start freezing more milk in September for my sister's baby.
Any advice on the logistics of pumping more often?
Ok, honestly, I hate pumping. I feel uncomfortable pumping ANYWHERE.
But now that I am going to start being at work for 4-5 hours a day during the week I need to come up with a system that works better. I dislike pumping in my office because we have thin walls and I know that the graduate students in my lab can hear it.
Another thing to add into the equation: I am going to start freezing more milk in September for my sister's baby.
Any advice on the logistics of pumping more often?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Reflections on the trip back home
1) I am very grateful that I am older and more comfortable with my life choices. By the time I left I had had about enough of the sideways comments from my mom about breastfeeding (she actually told several people that I missed my calling as a wet nurse, in front of me; talk about awkward). I had also had about enough of people implying that I was torturing my baby by not letting her eat anything but milk. Luckily my parents' friends are much more supportive of breast feeding than my mom is so there were some supportive conversations, and ones that they initiated in front of her. Oh, and I was getting really tired of not having a chair to sit in in my room. It is really hard to nurse hunched over on the edge of the bed six times a day.
2) My sister. Oh my sister. She is amazing. I don't think I've shared much of her story here so let me give you some background. She had her son when she was 29 and at 31 started trying for a second baby. That was 12 years ago. She has been through more infertility treatments than I could keep track of. We stopped talking about it for a long time because she wanted our relationship to be an escape from all of that. So I never asked, she just told me things when she wanted me to know. And she called me a couple of months ago to tell me that their third surrogate is pregnant! She was SO nervous about telling my parents. Neither of us was sure what their reaction to the surrogacy thing would be. Let me tell you, my sister made the announcement in the most eloquent way that it would have been impossible for someone to not be excited and happy for them. I was really really impressed. And can I tell you that she is *glowing*! I think the pregnant lady glow is more from happiness than pregnancy hormones.
3) Mads did not realize that adults prefer babies that sleep on planes. Needless to say, she did not make many friends on the plane ride there. And then she totally lost it on the drive to my parents' house from the airport (which is about 2.5 hours). Luckily it was just family in the car... The flight home had all the makings for a nightmare. The flight was delayed about 4 hours and we were stuck at the gate just the two of us. But Mads was happy to watch all the people and to play with me. There was a little nursing nook in the bathroom right near our gate so feeding her wasn't awkward. And when we got on the plane she fell right to sleep. BUT THEN... 100 french teenagers on a school trip got on and sat all around us. They were all simultaneously shouting and talking and, of course, Mads woke up and wanted to know what was going on. This was now an hour past her bed time so she was pretty tired. We sat on the tarmac for another hour listening to the french teenagers. Me trying to keep Mads from getting too crazy. Luckily, once the plane took off the lights went out and all of them (the french teenagers and my baby) slept for the entire flight. BTW, if you can afford it I strongly recommend getting a separate seat for the baby. It would have been a nightmare having her in my lap the whole time (it was a 5 hours flight).
4) It is wonderful to be home.
5) My husband has been out of town since right before we left for my parents house and he won't be back until the 19th of August. I have even more respect and awe for you single moms out there. It is really hard always being the one on call and I haven't been doing it for all that long. Dh isn't even that involved of a dad; I do about 95% of the childcare. But having that fall-back for the 5% really does make a big difference. You all are AMAZING.
2) My sister. Oh my sister. She is amazing. I don't think I've shared much of her story here so let me give you some background. She had her son when she was 29 and at 31 started trying for a second baby. That was 12 years ago. She has been through more infertility treatments than I could keep track of. We stopped talking about it for a long time because she wanted our relationship to be an escape from all of that. So I never asked, she just told me things when she wanted me to know. And she called me a couple of months ago to tell me that their third surrogate is pregnant! She was SO nervous about telling my parents. Neither of us was sure what their reaction to the surrogacy thing would be. Let me tell you, my sister made the announcement in the most eloquent way that it would have been impossible for someone to not be excited and happy for them. I was really really impressed. And can I tell you that she is *glowing*! I think the pregnant lady glow is more from happiness than pregnancy hormones.
3) Mads did not realize that adults prefer babies that sleep on planes. Needless to say, she did not make many friends on the plane ride there. And then she totally lost it on the drive to my parents' house from the airport (which is about 2.5 hours). Luckily it was just family in the car... The flight home had all the makings for a nightmare. The flight was delayed about 4 hours and we were stuck at the gate just the two of us. But Mads was happy to watch all the people and to play with me. There was a little nursing nook in the bathroom right near our gate so feeding her wasn't awkward. And when we got on the plane she fell right to sleep. BUT THEN... 100 french teenagers on a school trip got on and sat all around us. They were all simultaneously shouting and talking and, of course, Mads woke up and wanted to know what was going on. This was now an hour past her bed time so she was pretty tired. We sat on the tarmac for another hour listening to the french teenagers. Me trying to keep Mads from getting too crazy. Luckily, once the plane took off the lights went out and all of them (the french teenagers and my baby) slept for the entire flight. BTW, if you can afford it I strongly recommend getting a separate seat for the baby. It would have been a nightmare having her in my lap the whole time (it was a 5 hours flight).
4) It is wonderful to be home.
5) My husband has been out of town since right before we left for my parents house and he won't be back until the 19th of August. I have even more respect and awe for you single moms out there. It is really hard always being the one on call and I haven't been doing it for all that long. Dh isn't even that involved of a dad; I do about 95% of the childcare. But having that fall-back for the 5% really does make a big difference. You all are AMAZING.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
20 weeks
I am back at my parents visiting just like I was this time last year.
But this year I have Maddy with me in her separate flesh. In 8 hours she will be exactly 20 weeks old.
We have a rhythm. We know each other. I can calm her, I can make her laugh. She nestles her head against my neck in a way she does with no one else. She is my baby and I am her mama. It is beautiful.
But in all honesty I still can't believe I am a mother. Sometimes I worry when she isn't with me that I will forget her. I worry about accidentally leaving the house without her or forgetting to pick her up from day care when she starts, or coming home in time to relieve the nanny. I have never even come close to doing this but it still worries me. I have no idea where that fear comes from.
I also worry that I won't ever be special to her. She has grown into a really gregarious baby that smiles at everyone and loves to be held by anyone. Even if she is crying she'll pause for a few moments in order to give someone a big smile, as if she can't bring herself to be rude. Maybe this is just her age. Maybe it is her personality. But I don't seem to be a particularly special person to her yet, just another really nice person who is around her more than everyone else. I know this is absurd, but this fear feels real to me right now.
I am genuinely excited by her development. What an amazing emotion overwhelmed me when I felt her little sharp tooth breaking through her gum a week ago. And the pride I feel when she leans forward in her car seat in anticipation of being picked up. But as these things happen I see her newborn babyness as history, and I wish I could have it back for just another few weeks more. I wasn't ready for that stage to be over. I hadn't had enough. Now she is starting to get hair. She is starting to grab fiercely and with strength for things. She is starting to want things, like this monkey balloon here at my parents house. When you take it away she cries. My little newborn cries for want of a monkey balloon. She isn't a newborn anymore. And while this is wonderful and so fun to watch, it is heartbreaking. I am sad that she is no longer a newborn baby.
20 weeks. 60 weeks in total this wonderful little thing has been in my life. While it feels comfortable and natural on so many levels it still doesn't really feel like my life. There is still this sense that I will wake up and it will be all back the way it was.
But then in the middle of the night I wake up when I hear her scratch away at the side of her portable crib beside my bed here in the guest room at my parents house. I smile. I am her mother. I am the one who gets up with her no matter how tired I am. And I always give her a big smile. And she always gives me one too.
But this year I have Maddy with me in her separate flesh. In 8 hours she will be exactly 20 weeks old.
We have a rhythm. We know each other. I can calm her, I can make her laugh. She nestles her head against my neck in a way she does with no one else. She is my baby and I am her mama. It is beautiful.
But in all honesty I still can't believe I am a mother. Sometimes I worry when she isn't with me that I will forget her. I worry about accidentally leaving the house without her or forgetting to pick her up from day care when she starts, or coming home in time to relieve the nanny. I have never even come close to doing this but it still worries me. I have no idea where that fear comes from.
I also worry that I won't ever be special to her. She has grown into a really gregarious baby that smiles at everyone and loves to be held by anyone. Even if she is crying she'll pause for a few moments in order to give someone a big smile, as if she can't bring herself to be rude. Maybe this is just her age. Maybe it is her personality. But I don't seem to be a particularly special person to her yet, just another really nice person who is around her more than everyone else. I know this is absurd, but this fear feels real to me right now.
I am genuinely excited by her development. What an amazing emotion overwhelmed me when I felt her little sharp tooth breaking through her gum a week ago. And the pride I feel when she leans forward in her car seat in anticipation of being picked up. But as these things happen I see her newborn babyness as history, and I wish I could have it back for just another few weeks more. I wasn't ready for that stage to be over. I hadn't had enough. Now she is starting to get hair. She is starting to grab fiercely and with strength for things. She is starting to want things, like this monkey balloon here at my parents house. When you take it away she cries. My little newborn cries for want of a monkey balloon. She isn't a newborn anymore. And while this is wonderful and so fun to watch, it is heartbreaking. I am sad that she is no longer a newborn baby.
20 weeks. 60 weeks in total this wonderful little thing has been in my life. While it feels comfortable and natural on so many levels it still doesn't really feel like my life. There is still this sense that I will wake up and it will be all back the way it was.
But then in the middle of the night I wake up when I hear her scratch away at the side of her portable crib beside my bed here in the guest room at my parents house. I smile. I am her mother. I am the one who gets up with her no matter how tired I am. And I always give her a big smile. And she always gives me one too.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Full circle x 2
My period started this morning. It breaks my heart to reach the end of this pregnancy/birth experience. I wanted it for so long and cherished every second of it. I wish I could somehow hold onto this phase of my life for a little longer, but alas, the inevitability of time has turned this into a memory now too.
Maddy's color-code at the RE's office way back when was light blue or brown. Her color-code at daycare is light blue. Funny coincidence.
Maddy's color-code at the RE's office way back when was light blue or brown. Her color-code at daycare is light blue. Funny coincidence.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
4month birthday: settling love
A month or so ago one of my graduate students asked me if I actually had time to do anything aside from look after Mads. She wanted to know, on a personal level, what is was like to have a baby.
I described it as being kind of overwhelming and distracting in a wonderful way, like when you are falling in love. You know those weeks or months when you can't really do anything except think about that person? Can't even stand to take a shower without them because that's too long to be apart? You feel so special and overwhelmingly wonderful and unique, like no one else could possibly understand how passionate this emotion is.
I felt/feel that way about Mads and have wondered how in the world I will ever be able to focus on work again.
But I think I am starting to get settled in our love. Yesterday I went to school and actually started doing a literature search and read a couple of articles. I forgot to watch the clock while I was there and two hours flew by without my once jerking out of the focus of research. I brought an article home and read while she napped, and I actually remember what I read.
We take Mads to the orientation for her day care program this afternoon. Despite my earlier angst I am actually kind of excited to see what she thinks of it. I think she's going to really like it. I look forward to seeing the expression on her face. There will be some other babies there, her future friends. How cool is that?
I'm just about there, ready to figure out a schedule that has more work-time in it for me. We will spend about 10 days with my family across the country from July 24-August 4th and then we settle into day care and the new schedule.
Mads is 4 months old today and I am just about ready.
I couldn't envision how I'd ever get to feel this way but I am so relieved that baby-love settles just like romantic-love.
I described it as being kind of overwhelming and distracting in a wonderful way, like when you are falling in love. You know those weeks or months when you can't really do anything except think about that person? Can't even stand to take a shower without them because that's too long to be apart? You feel so special and overwhelmingly wonderful and unique, like no one else could possibly understand how passionate this emotion is.
I felt/feel that way about Mads and have wondered how in the world I will ever be able to focus on work again.
But I think I am starting to get settled in our love. Yesterday I went to school and actually started doing a literature search and read a couple of articles. I forgot to watch the clock while I was there and two hours flew by without my once jerking out of the focus of research. I brought an article home and read while she napped, and I actually remember what I read.
We take Mads to the orientation for her day care program this afternoon. Despite my earlier angst I am actually kind of excited to see what she thinks of it. I think she's going to really like it. I look forward to seeing the expression on her face. There will be some other babies there, her future friends. How cool is that?
I'm just about there, ready to figure out a schedule that has more work-time in it for me. We will spend about 10 days with my family across the country from July 24-August 4th and then we settle into day care and the new schedule.
Mads is 4 months old today and I am just about ready.
I couldn't envision how I'd ever get to feel this way but I am so relieved that baby-love settles just like romantic-love.
Friday, July 8, 2011
madonna and child
I always envisioned nursing as this sweet tender time between mother and baby. Don't get me wrong, I get those sometimes, like at 4:30am when Maddy is half asleep. But the vast majority of the time I am nursing a wild animal. We are talking crazy-eyed shark-attack latching, squirms, kicks, back arches, at least one flailing arm that now grabs quite effectively, and a number of shrieks and squeels. Most of the time these are happy kinds of activities, like she's celebrating her good fortune. But sometimes you'd think I was torturing the child.
Animal instincts seem to be quite well expressed in my baby.
I am still happy about breastfeeding, don't get me wrong, but I am wondering if this is usual or if indeed my child is more wild animal than human baby.
Animal instincts seem to be quite well expressed in my baby.
I am still happy about breastfeeding, don't get me wrong, but I am wondering if this is usual or if indeed my child is more wild animal than human baby.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Butt Elmo
I typically use Pam.pers Swad.dlers and have developed an appreciation for the cute sesame street babies on the front and the whiteness everywhere else.
Yesterday we had to go with a type we haven't tried before due to a bad-mama emergency situation, the last diaper was on Mads. It amazes me how decorated these diapers are, and I found that I had the same problem that a guy wrote about in Slate.
He called it Butt Elmo.
This got me thinking. This advertising is geared for the baby and not the parent. My four month old baby can't see these things as they are on her bod, and in this case the cute stuff is on her butt. No way is that going to be noticed by its apparent target audience.
I think it would be hilarious to have a line of diapers with photos of political figures on them. Imagine your favorite Fox News talk show host or, depending on your political leanings, one of the op-ed writers for the NY Times right on your baby's butt. This way, when she poos you get to smile at the symbolism and take out some of your frustration against the world in an amusing way. It would make cleaning up poo-poo blow-outs kind of fun... imagine, poo smeared all over your favorite ex-President's snarky smile.
I was describing this idea to Madsy yesterday and patted her rear end for effect. As if on cue she did a really huge poo in the new diaper. It really added to the moment. Too bad we weren't presenting as a team to an investor...
Yesterday we had to go with a type we haven't tried before due to a bad-mama emergency situation, the last diaper was on Mads. It amazes me how decorated these diapers are, and I found that I had the same problem that a guy wrote about in Slate.
He called it Butt Elmo.
This got me thinking. This advertising is geared for the baby and not the parent. My four month old baby can't see these things as they are on her bod, and in this case the cute stuff is on her butt. No way is that going to be noticed by its apparent target audience.
I think it would be hilarious to have a line of diapers with photos of political figures on them. Imagine your favorite Fox News talk show host or, depending on your political leanings, one of the op-ed writers for the NY Times right on your baby's butt. This way, when she poos you get to smile at the symbolism and take out some of your frustration against the world in an amusing way. It would make cleaning up poo-poo blow-outs kind of fun... imagine, poo smeared all over your favorite ex-President's snarky smile.
I was describing this idea to Madsy yesterday and patted her rear end for effect. As if on cue she did a really huge poo in the new diaper. It really added to the moment. Too bad we weren't presenting as a team to an investor...
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A funny thing happened on the way to...
Yesterday we went down to a pier where there was a family friendly fourth of July celebration. It was Mads with dh, me, and the grandmother in tow. The grandmother complains ad nauseum and doesn't approve of eating, as some of you may remember from an earlier post. It is really quite amusing how everything is terrible, and I mean terrible from her perspective. But the day was ok. Family is as it is, right? (like my good attitude?)
So we were walking along and this woman with a baby in a stroller passes in the other direction. I smile and say hi and she bee-lines over to me and starts chatting.
I love this weird world where people with little babies, or who just love little babies stop and totally strike up a lovely complimentary conversation. If I am ever feeling blue all I have to do is go out walking with my Madsy. (sounds like lyrics to a song)
This woman yesterday, I'll call her MCL (for "maybe a crazy lady?") has a sweet little 7 month old. It felt like we connected and I learned all kinds of stuff about her. She's in her early forties, SMC, etc.
Turns out that we actually met at our OB's office a month or so ago. Small world, especially since I drive over to another town that is a little fancier in order to go to a fancier doctor's office. (I can be such a snob about health care stuff.)
For some history here, I met a woman years ago who decided that we were going to be friends and she made it happen. And she has continued to carry the weight of our friendship even though I am lame and pretty selfish, as I confessed to you all a while back. I like people who are so self-confident that they just decide someone is going to be their friend and they make it happen, probably because I am SO not like this.
I am thinking that MCL is either the same, aggressive about being friends and that this will be really good. Or, maybe she's nuts and this will get really weird really fast. We'll see...
So we were walking along and this woman with a baby in a stroller passes in the other direction. I smile and say hi and she bee-lines over to me and starts chatting.
I love this weird world where people with little babies, or who just love little babies stop and totally strike up a lovely complimentary conversation. If I am ever feeling blue all I have to do is go out walking with my Madsy. (sounds like lyrics to a song)
This woman yesterday, I'll call her MCL (for "maybe a crazy lady?") has a sweet little 7 month old. It felt like we connected and I learned all kinds of stuff about her. She's in her early forties, SMC, etc.
Turns out that we actually met at our OB's office a month or so ago. Small world, especially since I drive over to another town that is a little fancier in order to go to a fancier doctor's office. (I can be such a snob about health care stuff.)
For some history here, I met a woman years ago who decided that we were going to be friends and she made it happen. And she has continued to carry the weight of our friendship even though I am lame and pretty selfish, as I confessed to you all a while back. I like people who are so self-confident that they just decide someone is going to be their friend and they make it happen, probably because I am SO not like this.
I am thinking that MCL is either the same, aggressive about being friends and that this will be really good. Or, maybe she's nuts and this will get really weird really fast. We'll see...
Friday, July 1, 2011
A year's worth
July 2, 2010: I was a phone call from the RE's office.
July 1, 2011: I discovered my feet. My mama is very, very nostalgic today.
July 1, 2011: I discovered my feet. My mama is very, very nostalgic today.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The poopy side of childcare
Mads is napping in her room, which is a good 30 feet away from me. I just heard her fart, a nice juicy one. Always makes me snicker. I'm so proud when she makes good use of those diapers... challenging their capacity...
I need some support/advice/thoughts on childcare. At some point I need to work more than 8 hours a week. Since I don't technically work over the summer* I am ok with letting my lab kind of go to hell for a few more months while I enjoy my baby. (*Such an ironic twist to the professor job, we work just as much over the summer but are technically speaking not being paid unless you are really lucky and have a grant that pays summer salary. Since I'm in evolutionary biology and funded through NSF and small non-profit foundations that ain't happening.)
Starting in late August I need to be available to go to school during the work week. I don't necessarily have to be there full time since I have leave from teaching for another semester, but I do need childcare that is more accommodating. I have a wonderful nanny for Mads right now who comes on Wednesdays and Fridays, but the most she can do starting in August is 4 days a week.
Surprisingly, we got Mads into the university's childcare program. It is a wonderful program and really hard to get into. I didn't think we even had a shot but applied anyway. I think the fact that dh and I both work at the university and have been here so long amazingly pushed us to the top of the list. Mads got in right away.
It is a really good program since it is "child development" rather than day care per se, but it is still a situation where there are nine infants in her class and three teachers. It isn't the one-on-one attention that a nanny can provide.
All of the baby instruction books I read go on and on about how one-on-one care is the ideal and a day care situation is acceptable if absolutely necessary.
Do you all know of anyone, or do you use a day care type of childcare and are there any success stories?
When I think of the logistics of our day-to-day lives I really like the day care thing. This place is about 5 blocks (about 600 steps, I counted) from my office. I can park my car right beside it, drop Mads off and then walk to work, stopping for coffee along the way. The place is open from 7:30am to 5:30pm so I can drop her off and pick her up with a lot of flexibility. I envision her being in daycare for about 4-5 hours a day, giving me a good 3-4 hours of work every day of the week. I can do email and other things at home when she naps and at night and get in another 2 hours each day. This will be enough to keep my lab running at a decent level for the next academic year. And, will give me a nice amount of time with Mads.
The nanny situation sounds like it is probably the best for Mads, but it commits me to working full days 4 days a week. I can't decide not to go to school one day when I don't have any meetings and stay home to play with Mads if the nanny is showing up. Plus, it leaves me unavailable for school things one day a week, which I know will be problematical. There is always shit that comes up that I need to deal with, and not being available at all one day during the week will mean that it will always be on that day. I am pretty against taking Mads to school with me regularly as I really want to avoid ever feeling like she is keeping me from doing work things. Better to keep them separate so that I am "all there" wherever that happens to be. And, I will never ask any of my students to babysit. That just feels like a big, big mistake.
And Mads has a really easy-going personality so far. She seems to really like new places and people, is happy to be held by anyone, falls asleep easily, likes to eat so much that she's not really all that particular (but see my adventures in nursing 1 and 2), and is basically a really easy baby. I don't know if that is good or bad for a day care situation, but I think it is good (or does it mean she'll get ignored, you know "squeaky wheel gets the grease"?)
Plus, and this is probably not inconsequential, I have to be honest and admit that I have a bit of a jealousy issue that I am working hard to contain. It is hard to explain but let me try through an anecdote. The nanny has taken to trimming Mads' fingernails all the time and keeping them very short. Yes, this is a good thing for Mads' sake but I want to be the one who gets to trim her nails. It bothers me. You know what I mean? Does that make sense?
And the other very selfish reason I lean towards the day care thing? I will make friends with the other parents, something I have been longing for for so long.
But I angst over the guilt. Do you decide what is best for the baby, what is best for you, what feels best for your relationship? Financially it is a wash, four days a week of nanny is about the same as five days of day care. What would you all do in my situation? Any success stories with day care to share?
I need some support/advice/thoughts on childcare. At some point I need to work more than 8 hours a week. Since I don't technically work over the summer* I am ok with letting my lab kind of go to hell for a few more months while I enjoy my baby. (*Such an ironic twist to the professor job, we work just as much over the summer but are technically speaking not being paid unless you are really lucky and have a grant that pays summer salary. Since I'm in evolutionary biology and funded through NSF and small non-profit foundations that ain't happening.)
Starting in late August I need to be available to go to school during the work week. I don't necessarily have to be there full time since I have leave from teaching for another semester, but I do need childcare that is more accommodating. I have a wonderful nanny for Mads right now who comes on Wednesdays and Fridays, but the most she can do starting in August is 4 days a week.
Surprisingly, we got Mads into the university's childcare program. It is a wonderful program and really hard to get into. I didn't think we even had a shot but applied anyway. I think the fact that dh and I both work at the university and have been here so long amazingly pushed us to the top of the list. Mads got in right away.
It is a really good program since it is "child development" rather than day care per se, but it is still a situation where there are nine infants in her class and three teachers. It isn't the one-on-one attention that a nanny can provide.
All of the baby instruction books I read go on and on about how one-on-one care is the ideal and a day care situation is acceptable if absolutely necessary.
Do you all know of anyone, or do you use a day care type of childcare and are there any success stories?
When I think of the logistics of our day-to-day lives I really like the day care thing. This place is about 5 blocks (about 600 steps, I counted) from my office. I can park my car right beside it, drop Mads off and then walk to work, stopping for coffee along the way. The place is open from 7:30am to 5:30pm so I can drop her off and pick her up with a lot of flexibility. I envision her being in daycare for about 4-5 hours a day, giving me a good 3-4 hours of work every day of the week. I can do email and other things at home when she naps and at night and get in another 2 hours each day. This will be enough to keep my lab running at a decent level for the next academic year. And, will give me a nice amount of time with Mads.
The nanny situation sounds like it is probably the best for Mads, but it commits me to working full days 4 days a week. I can't decide not to go to school one day when I don't have any meetings and stay home to play with Mads if the nanny is showing up. Plus, it leaves me unavailable for school things one day a week, which I know will be problematical. There is always shit that comes up that I need to deal with, and not being available at all one day during the week will mean that it will always be on that day. I am pretty against taking Mads to school with me regularly as I really want to avoid ever feeling like she is keeping me from doing work things. Better to keep them separate so that I am "all there" wherever that happens to be. And, I will never ask any of my students to babysit. That just feels like a big, big mistake.
And Mads has a really easy-going personality so far. She seems to really like new places and people, is happy to be held by anyone, falls asleep easily, likes to eat so much that she's not really all that particular (but see my adventures in nursing 1 and 2), and is basically a really easy baby. I don't know if that is good or bad for a day care situation, but I think it is good (or does it mean she'll get ignored, you know "squeaky wheel gets the grease"?)
Plus, and this is probably not inconsequential, I have to be honest and admit that I have a bit of a jealousy issue that I am working hard to contain. It is hard to explain but let me try through an anecdote. The nanny has taken to trimming Mads' fingernails all the time and keeping them very short. Yes, this is a good thing for Mads' sake but I want to be the one who gets to trim her nails. It bothers me. You know what I mean? Does that make sense?
And the other very selfish reason I lean towards the day care thing? I will make friends with the other parents, something I have been longing for for so long.
But I angst over the guilt. Do you decide what is best for the baby, what is best for you, what feels best for your relationship? Financially it is a wash, four days a week of nanny is about the same as five days of day care. What would you all do in my situation? Any success stories with day care to share?
Friday, June 24, 2011
Questions for you
Did I jinx Mads' sleeping habits by...
1) posting about how great they are?
2) reading a book about healthy sleep habits for kids and now I have started to worry about it?
3) not cause any effect but just became more aware of how not-routine they really are?
What should Dh do special for me since I...
1) made a big deal out of father's day and we all had fun despite how crappy he let mother's day be for me?
2) took Maddy to see his mom (without him) yesterday on my mommy-maddy day?
3) wasted an hour and a half today of my nanny-time going to coffee with a colleague of his with him? He told me that the colleague invited me too but once I got there it became clear that I wasn't invited and Dh just wanted me along because he hates to make small talk.
Is there something wrong with me because I think this new hobby of Maddy's is hilarious, and that I made a video of it and posted it on my website?
For those of you who also have a Sophie the Giraffe, have you ever noticed that she makes baby's breath smell like a condom? It totally cracks me up but feels so so wrong...
1) posting about how great they are?
2) reading a book about healthy sleep habits for kids and now I have started to worry about it?
3) not cause any effect but just became more aware of how not-routine they really are?
What should Dh do special for me since I...
1) made a big deal out of father's day and we all had fun despite how crappy he let mother's day be for me?
2) took Maddy to see his mom (without him) yesterday on my mommy-maddy day?
3) wasted an hour and a half today of my nanny-time going to coffee with a colleague of his with him? He told me that the colleague invited me too but once I got there it became clear that I wasn't invited and Dh just wanted me along because he hates to make small talk.
Is there something wrong with me because I think this new hobby of Maddy's is hilarious, and that I made a video of it and posted it on my website?
For those of you who also have a Sophie the Giraffe, have you ever noticed that she makes baby's breath smell like a condom? It totally cracks me up but feels so so wrong...
Saturday, June 18, 2011
this will jinx me
I have been very hesitant to write about Mads' sleep patterns as I know it will jinx me. Plus, I feel guilty. Babies aren't supposed to be this easy, so I'm sure the other shoe will drop soon. I'm know that confessing about M's wonderful sleep habits means that they will change very soon and likely for the worse.
For the last 5-6 weeks Mads has gone to sleep very easily at 7:30 or 8pm. Up to about 10 days ago she'd wake up between 1-3am and then again between 4am-5am for a 20 minute milk snack. When she nurses at night she's all business, hardly moves and goes immediately back to sleep. I mean the kid doesn't even burp. I don't think she even opens her eyes.
(Confession #1: one night when Mads was about 8 weeks old my breasts were particularly full for some reason. When Mads was nursing, and she was still about 75% asleep, she was getting some serious let-down and gulping like mad. In my sleep haze I thought, "this is good, she'll drink a lot and then be really full and sleep longer." Theoretically this was a good idea. In reality though, this was a bad mommy moment. I shoulda known better. As soon as I lifted her upright a huge gush of milk came out of her mouth and nose and projectiled into my face and all down my front. This wasn't just a regular spit-up, which can be quite spectacular. No, this was a huge gush of warm partly digested milk in my face and all down the front of me. It came out for long enough that I have a vivid memory of what it looked like projectiling out of her mouth and nose at the same time. Poor kid. It totally freaked her out, as you can imagine.)
For the last week she's only done the 4am-5am snack time. Some days she'll stir at about 6:30am but just about always falls back to sleep until 7:30 or 8am. One night last weekend she went to sleep around 7pm, woke up at 5am for 20 minutes and then slept until 9am. That was freaky though, honestly.
She isn't much of a napper during the day though and lately only takes a few ~1hr naps.
If I were smart I'd go to bed at 9am but I just can't seem to do it. I typically stay up until 11pm, silly silly girl.
I credit her sumo wrestler size for this sleep feat. My child is huge. She started out at 7 pounds but weighs something like 15 pounds now, I'm guessing. She was 97th percentile when she was at the pediatrician's office about a month ago, up from her last visit weigh-in that put her in the 90th percentile. She loves to eat and seems to noticeably grow every night. She's got that healthy pudgy baby look but definitely isn't really fat, she's just a really big baby.
(Confession #2: I have googled all versions of "weight gain" in infants about a gazillion times over the last 3 months, worried sick that she's got some weird metabolic disorder. But I can't seem to find any disease that would lead to her growing too fast. Do you know if there is any such thing?)
But she is still so tiny in the whole scheme of things... I just adore rubbing her tiny little back when I hold her... and those big eyes looking out at the world over a pacifier... I better stop or I'll end up going in and waking her up so I can give her a hug!
For the last 5-6 weeks Mads has gone to sleep very easily at 7:30 or 8pm. Up to about 10 days ago she'd wake up between 1-3am and then again between 4am-5am for a 20 minute milk snack. When she nurses at night she's all business, hardly moves and goes immediately back to sleep. I mean the kid doesn't even burp. I don't think she even opens her eyes.
(Confession #1: one night when Mads was about 8 weeks old my breasts were particularly full for some reason. When Mads was nursing, and she was still about 75% asleep, she was getting some serious let-down and gulping like mad. In my sleep haze I thought, "this is good, she'll drink a lot and then be really full and sleep longer." Theoretically this was a good idea. In reality though, this was a bad mommy moment. I shoulda known better. As soon as I lifted her upright a huge gush of milk came out of her mouth and nose and projectiled into my face and all down my front. This wasn't just a regular spit-up, which can be quite spectacular. No, this was a huge gush of warm partly digested milk in my face and all down the front of me. It came out for long enough that I have a vivid memory of what it looked like projectiling out of her mouth and nose at the same time. Poor kid. It totally freaked her out, as you can imagine.)
For the last week she's only done the 4am-5am snack time. Some days she'll stir at about 6:30am but just about always falls back to sleep until 7:30 or 8am. One night last weekend she went to sleep around 7pm, woke up at 5am for 20 minutes and then slept until 9am. That was freaky though, honestly.
She isn't much of a napper during the day though and lately only takes a few ~1hr naps.
If I were smart I'd go to bed at 9am but I just can't seem to do it. I typically stay up until 11pm, silly silly girl.
I credit her sumo wrestler size for this sleep feat. My child is huge. She started out at 7 pounds but weighs something like 15 pounds now, I'm guessing. She was 97th percentile when she was at the pediatrician's office about a month ago, up from her last visit weigh-in that put her in the 90th percentile. She loves to eat and seems to noticeably grow every night. She's got that healthy pudgy baby look but definitely isn't really fat, she's just a really big baby.
(Confession #2: I have googled all versions of "weight gain" in infants about a gazillion times over the last 3 months, worried sick that she's got some weird metabolic disorder. But I can't seem to find any disease that would lead to her growing too fast. Do you know if there is any such thing?)
But she is still so tiny in the whole scheme of things... I just adore rubbing her tiny little back when I hold her... and those big eyes looking out at the world over a pacifier... I better stop or I'll end up going in and waking her up so I can give her a hug!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Redux
Back in early May I took Mads over to meet my friend L. As you may remember, it did not go well. In fact, it was so bad that I should sell it as a skit to Saturday Night Live. Lesbian couple with no kids, Mads getting hungry and needing to be nursed, breastfeeding not going well, Mads acting like wild coyote and flailing around, my shirt coming off, milk everywhere, the loss of a breast pad... OMG.
L and her partner just got back from a vacation in a romantic country in Europe. Despite the shenanigans of our last visit Mads and I were invited over to see photos. The date was set for today, June 16th at 2pm.
I seriously strategized this one as I wanted to see if we could make a better impression this time around. The thoroughly thought-out plan began at 8:00am when Mads woke up and wanted to play.
We played, I kept her up until 10am. I fed her, she napped for an hour while I showered. We played until12:15pm when I fed her again and she, luckily, fell asleep again. She started stirring at 1:30pm and I sort-of woke her up, nursed her (even though she wasn't really hungry and milk started leaking out her nose while she was still suckling... I did not even know that was possible), changed the diaper and we were off.
We arrived at 2:07pm for our 2pm date with flowers from our backyard in hand, we even had a ribbon tied around the vase. Nothing quite like trying to look like we had our act together!
The weather was beautiful so we sat out back on their deck and drank lemonade.
Mads was an angel, an angel I tell you. She smiled big smiles when spoken too, sat on my lap and looked around very cutely most of the time. She got a smidge antsy but was satisfied when I lifted her up so she could look over my shoulder. She then cooed at the flowers behind me in a super cute but not too loud voice for a little while. We then went inside to look at pictures from L's trip.
Mads was not too happy with the opera music to which the slideshow was set but she wasn't too loud about her opinion. In fact, the dog that luckily appears not to have choked to death on the MIA breast pad was more of a nuisance than Mads while watching the slideshow -- he rested his head on the keyboard and caused a minor glitch in the presentation. As the slideshow came to an end M started to hit that point where I knew she might break into a more vociferous need for a change of scenery. That was exactly when L commented on what an angel M is, at which point I said, "and it's probably time for us to go before she gets out of her angelic mode."
Nice segue, yes?
We were back in our car at exactly 3:07pm. That was when M decided that it was time to be a bit more upfront about her displeasure. But, by then she was getting back into her car seat and was far from L and her partner's ears, and only moments away from being lulled to sleep by the moving car.
We did it!!!
Please note that I do realize that this little outburst of mothering confidence will mean that our next outing will be another SNL skit, possibly involving Sarah Palin and maybe even Eddie Murphy or Steve Martin.
L and her partner just got back from a vacation in a romantic country in Europe. Despite the shenanigans of our last visit Mads and I were invited over to see photos. The date was set for today, June 16th at 2pm.
I seriously strategized this one as I wanted to see if we could make a better impression this time around. The thoroughly thought-out plan began at 8:00am when Mads woke up and wanted to play.
We played, I kept her up until 10am. I fed her, she napped for an hour while I showered. We played until12:15pm when I fed her again and she, luckily, fell asleep again. She started stirring at 1:30pm and I sort-of woke her up, nursed her (even though she wasn't really hungry and milk started leaking out her nose while she was still suckling... I did not even know that was possible), changed the diaper and we were off.
We arrived at 2:07pm for our 2pm date with flowers from our backyard in hand, we even had a ribbon tied around the vase. Nothing quite like trying to look like we had our act together!
The weather was beautiful so we sat out back on their deck and drank lemonade.
Mads was an angel, an angel I tell you. She smiled big smiles when spoken too, sat on my lap and looked around very cutely most of the time. She got a smidge antsy but was satisfied when I lifted her up so she could look over my shoulder. She then cooed at the flowers behind me in a super cute but not too loud voice for a little while. We then went inside to look at pictures from L's trip.
Mads was not too happy with the opera music to which the slideshow was set but she wasn't too loud about her opinion. In fact, the dog that luckily appears not to have choked to death on the MIA breast pad was more of a nuisance than Mads while watching the slideshow -- he rested his head on the keyboard and caused a minor glitch in the presentation. As the slideshow came to an end M started to hit that point where I knew she might break into a more vociferous need for a change of scenery. That was exactly when L commented on what an angel M is, at which point I said, "and it's probably time for us to go before she gets out of her angelic mode."
Nice segue, yes?
We were back in our car at exactly 3:07pm. That was when M decided that it was time to be a bit more upfront about her displeasure. But, by then she was getting back into her car seat and was far from L and her partner's ears, and only moments away from being lulled to sleep by the moving car.
We did it!!!
Please note that I do realize that this little outburst of mothering confidence will mean that our next outing will be another SNL skit, possibly involving Sarah Palin and maybe even Eddie Murphy or Steve Martin.
Monday, June 13, 2011
This time last year
This time last year was the culmination of the most difficult phase of my life so far. A year ago I posted about how surreal infertility is. I was in the thick of an IVF treatment and at my wit's end after all the TTC, the failed IVF cycle earlier that spring, the cyst, and the miscarriage.
Last year, on June 10th we got bad news about our impending IVF cycle (attempt #2). I only had one follicle after injecting a ridiculous amount of extremely expensive drugs into my belly. The monitoring appointment where we learned this was, of course, the day we took off from work to belatedly celebrate our 6-year anniversary. I was devastated. I knew then that I had to give up or I'd lose my mind. I hated my body, I hated the situation, I hated that nothing we did had any effect on fixing or altering the situation. I cried really hard for about an hour after we left the doctor's office. And then I stopped crying. I hit that cold emotional state when you realize that you've cried all you can about that issue. It was time to move on.
But to add to the surreal-ness of the situation, we saw our regular and much-loved RE a day or two later. There was one big follicle and two smaller ones by that time and she recommended that we go ahead with IVF anyway. She said that even though there were only a few follicles they might be really good ones and we should go forward in order to see how my body would respond.
And so we did. We decided that since we were so far into the process we should at least follow this one all the way through even though it looked grim.
I want to quote myself here. This is from my post on June 14, 2010, "what a crazy crazy world... if I actually get a baby out of this it would make some sense. Nothing I do ever happens without some "wonky" involved. I sure hope we are passed the worst part of it though."
And the craziness of it all? We were. We were past the worst part of it. My wonderful Madsy was one of those two smaller follicles, one of only two that fertilized, one of only two that were transferred back to me two days later, the one who implanted, the one who survived all of my fear and a CVS test. She was the one who made it all the way to her birth and now to being 3 months old.
That surreal mind frame continues though. Despite the fact that I have gotten up every night for the last 91 nights to nurse Mads, and had some nights that never contained anything that even remotely resembled "going to bed" for me, I still look at her in amazement that she's mine. She's this little stranger who has come into my life. A little stranger that has shown me that mothering her is even better than I had dreamed it would be or dared to let myself fantasize.
It is cliche to say this, but I stand in awe of the last year and how much things have changed. It really is surreal.
Thank you all for the love and support. Thank you for understanding my shout-out for help the other day. I really appreciate all the suggestions and empathy. I have now instigated Feel-Good-Fridays. Last week I had a massage on Friday afternoon and this coming Friday I am getting a mani-pedi (and I think I'll paint my finger nails a color even though Dh hates it). I have done a few bouts of modest exercise, made myself some good food to eat, and am motivated to take care of me as well as taking care of M. I want her to be super good to herself. What better way than to show her by example? I owe it to this wonderful little creature who has brought me so much peace and happiness. I owe it to that sweet little follicle who beat the odds.
Last year, on June 10th we got bad news about our impending IVF cycle (attempt #2). I only had one follicle after injecting a ridiculous amount of extremely expensive drugs into my belly. The monitoring appointment where we learned this was, of course, the day we took off from work to belatedly celebrate our 6-year anniversary. I was devastated. I knew then that I had to give up or I'd lose my mind. I hated my body, I hated the situation, I hated that nothing we did had any effect on fixing or altering the situation. I cried really hard for about an hour after we left the doctor's office. And then I stopped crying. I hit that cold emotional state when you realize that you've cried all you can about that issue. It was time to move on.
But to add to the surreal-ness of the situation, we saw our regular and much-loved RE a day or two later. There was one big follicle and two smaller ones by that time and she recommended that we go ahead with IVF anyway. She said that even though there were only a few follicles they might be really good ones and we should go forward in order to see how my body would respond.
And so we did. We decided that since we were so far into the process we should at least follow this one all the way through even though it looked grim.
I want to quote myself here. This is from my post on June 14, 2010, "what a crazy crazy world... if I actually get a baby out of this it would make some sense. Nothing I do ever happens without some "wonky" involved. I sure hope we are passed the worst part of it though."
And the craziness of it all? We were. We were past the worst part of it. My wonderful Madsy was one of those two smaller follicles, one of only two that fertilized, one of only two that were transferred back to me two days later, the one who implanted, the one who survived all of my fear and a CVS test. She was the one who made it all the way to her birth and now to being 3 months old.
That surreal mind frame continues though. Despite the fact that I have gotten up every night for the last 91 nights to nurse Mads, and had some nights that never contained anything that even remotely resembled "going to bed" for me, I still look at her in amazement that she's mine. She's this little stranger who has come into my life. A little stranger that has shown me that mothering her is even better than I had dreamed it would be or dared to let myself fantasize.
It is cliche to say this, but I stand in awe of the last year and how much things have changed. It really is surreal.
Thank you all for the love and support. Thank you for understanding my shout-out for help the other day. I really appreciate all the suggestions and empathy. I have now instigated Feel-Good-Fridays. Last week I had a massage on Friday afternoon and this coming Friday I am getting a mani-pedi (and I think I'll paint my finger nails a color even though Dh hates it). I have done a few bouts of modest exercise, made myself some good food to eat, and am motivated to take care of me as well as taking care of M. I want her to be super good to herself. What better way than to show her by example? I owe it to this wonderful little creature who has brought me so much peace and happiness. I owe it to that sweet little follicle who beat the odds.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I need something.
Do you ever feel hungry for something specific but you can't figure out what it is?
I have that all the time lately. I have it for food and I have it emotionally. I am amazingly happy with Madsy. I love mothering her, and if I had nothing else to do I would be totally happy with that. But when I am not with her I have this "need something" feeling that makes me grumpy and short tempered.
No, it's not that I am missing her (which I do when I'm not with her). It's more that when I am not with her is when I have time to think about myself. And I just am not quite right.
I could blame Dh as I could use something special, like a romantic night out just the two of us that HE plans. Maybe some sex? Although, despite an earlier post of mine, I feel incredibly unattractive and uninterested in sex these days.
I could blame the 7 pounds that I haven't lost yet, as I do feel incredibly unattractive even though I know that it takes time to lose the weight and that I am not actually overweight, I just have a pudgier middle than I am used to or am happy with.
I could blame the fact that I feel overwhelmed by my milk-producing breasts. They are definitely the dominant part of my body these days in terms of size and attention/function, and the limitations they put on my wardrobe are a little frustrating when I stand in front of my closet.
I could blame the fact that I am pretty out of shape, although my arms are getting amazingly strong hefting my 14 pound baby around. But I don't look strong and I am pretty soft all over. Do you remember that scene in Bridget Jones' Diary where she's making out with that younger guy and he starts going on and on about how soft and squishy she is? That's what I find myself doing about myself.
Maybe some new clothes? I bought a couple of cute things at Target the other day, but I really am not in the mood to buy clothes because I don't want to spend the money, don't want to invest in stuff that I don't intend to be able to wear for too much longer. Plus, I am quite limited in options due to breastfeeding logistics and need to have very washable wear (since Mads spits up milk a lot these days, and inevitably it is when I don't have a burp cloth on my shoulder).
I was thinking that a new hand bag might cheer me up, but I'm not really in the mood to spend much money since my budget is much tighter these days with childcare and housecleaning expenses (I have someone clean the house every other week because I was getting really resentful doing it myself -- it is worth every penny these days). And, Dh has managed to never be around when the car needs a new tank of gas or groceries need to be purchased. (We keep separate finances, more out of habit than anything else.) So I don't get much enjoyment out of shopping.
What can I do to get more into homeostasis? Do you have any suggestions for things that might help satisfy the craving for I-don't-know-what?
I have that all the time lately. I have it for food and I have it emotionally. I am amazingly happy with Madsy. I love mothering her, and if I had nothing else to do I would be totally happy with that. But when I am not with her I have this "need something" feeling that makes me grumpy and short tempered.
No, it's not that I am missing her (which I do when I'm not with her). It's more that when I am not with her is when I have time to think about myself. And I just am not quite right.
I could blame Dh as I could use something special, like a romantic night out just the two of us that HE plans. Maybe some sex? Although, despite an earlier post of mine, I feel incredibly unattractive and uninterested in sex these days.
I could blame the 7 pounds that I haven't lost yet, as I do feel incredibly unattractive even though I know that it takes time to lose the weight and that I am not actually overweight, I just have a pudgier middle than I am used to or am happy with.
I could blame the fact that I feel overwhelmed by my milk-producing breasts. They are definitely the dominant part of my body these days in terms of size and attention/function, and the limitations they put on my wardrobe are a little frustrating when I stand in front of my closet.
I could blame the fact that I am pretty out of shape, although my arms are getting amazingly strong hefting my 14 pound baby around. But I don't look strong and I am pretty soft all over. Do you remember that scene in Bridget Jones' Diary where she's making out with that younger guy and he starts going on and on about how soft and squishy she is? That's what I find myself doing about myself.
Maybe some new clothes? I bought a couple of cute things at Target the other day, but I really am not in the mood to buy clothes because I don't want to spend the money, don't want to invest in stuff that I don't intend to be able to wear for too much longer. Plus, I am quite limited in options due to breastfeeding logistics and need to have very washable wear (since Mads spits up milk a lot these days, and inevitably it is when I don't have a burp cloth on my shoulder).
I was thinking that a new hand bag might cheer me up, but I'm not really in the mood to spend much money since my budget is much tighter these days with childcare and housecleaning expenses (I have someone clean the house every other week because I was getting really resentful doing it myself -- it is worth every penny these days). And, Dh has managed to never be around when the car needs a new tank of gas or groceries need to be purchased. (We keep separate finances, more out of habit than anything else.) So I don't get much enjoyment out of shopping.
What can I do to get more into homeostasis? Do you have any suggestions for things that might help satisfy the craving for I-don't-know-what?
Monday, June 6, 2011
When the baby is sleeping
When the baby is taking a nap, do you find that you are so unsure as to whether or not it will be a long one or a short one that you end up not being very productive during it?
I am afraid to start something that will take more than 5 minutes, otherwise I will likely have to leave it undone for who knows how long.
So I don't...
take a shower
exercise
really organize my desk
start doing school work
I wish I could be more productive. Maybe when Mads has a more reliable schedule. For now all we do is nurse, play a little, nurse, hold her while she snoozes, try the crib, leave her in her crib for a little while or a long time (hard to know which it will be), rinse and repeat. I love this time-irrelevant baby world, but it does make me feel resentful towards work when I have to get yanked out to do grown-up things.
And I really probably should shower more. I definitely ought to exercise more.
I am afraid to start something that will take more than 5 minutes, otherwise I will likely have to leave it undone for who knows how long.
So I don't...
take a shower
exercise
really organize my desk
start doing school work
I wish I could be more productive. Maybe when Mads has a more reliable schedule. For now all we do is nurse, play a little, nurse, hold her while she snoozes, try the crib, leave her in her crib for a little while or a long time (hard to know which it will be), rinse and repeat. I love this time-irrelevant baby world, but it does make me feel resentful towards work when I have to get yanked out to do grown-up things.
And I really probably should shower more. I definitely ought to exercise more.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Baby life lessons, 1st edition
When I plan a busy day that is perfectly scheduled around Maddy's naps, she won't nap at all and throws it all off.
When I am super tired and sort of looking forward to that really quiet adult time right after Mads goes to sleep for the night, she will nurse and start to fall asleep in my arms in that beautiful baby way. But then, she will let out a huge poo poo confronting me with the moral dilemma of whether or not to change her (knowing it will extend the going-to-bed routine by at least 30-45 more minutes). (I always change her, but I admit that I do think about it.)
Words of wisdom: Always remember that you are the responsible one but you are not in charge.
Just when I think I have everything going smoothly and am feeling all proud of myself, especially out in public, that's when Maddy has a poo poo blow out. Inevitably I don't notice until it is all over me too.
Just when I think I have everything going smoothly and am feeling all proud of myself, especially out in public, that's when Maddy will freak out when we nurse. Her arms flail, the blanket I am using for modesty at first looks like I am hiding a wild animal under there and then gets tossed off completely exposing how Mads has managed to remove the vast majority of my shirt, she snorts and grunts (adding to the wild animal effect), and milk goes all over both of us and sometimes even projectiles onto nearby objects. By this time there are always at least three people watching me in horror. By the way, she never does this at home. What gives with that?
Words of wisdom: Never be too proud or too confident.
Mads has discovered that it is totally awesome to suck her thumb. The problem is that her thumb is still attached to a wild animal that she has no control over (her arm and hand). This poses some problems for her. Similar to when she was a newborn, her arms can still keep her awake but now out of thumb-desire frustration whereas before it was because they would bang her in the head unexpectedly. And now, when she is kind of tired her arms flail around even more, making it even harder to get that thumb in her mouth when she really needs it, making her more frustrated and more tired, resulting in even more arm flailing. It is a vicious ironic auto-catalytic cycle.
The other day she suddenly went into that oh-my-god-I-am-definitely-dying cry during a thumb-sucking-crazy-fest. It took me a while to figure out what happened and where the little bit of blood-tinged saliva came from. Turns out she scratched the inside of her mouth from the extremely enthusiastic thumb sucking (which often entails the entire hand being shoved inside of her mouth). Poor thing. I couldn't help but laugh once I realized what she'd done.
If I can keep her hands from going crazy I can often times help her fall asleep. This is very similar to the need to swaddle her as a newborn. While she doesn't do the night time swaddle anymore, she does still appreciate a good swaddle when she desperately needs a nap during the day.
Words of wisdom: He who controls the hands controls the child.
When I am super tired and sort of looking forward to that really quiet adult time right after Mads goes to sleep for the night, she will nurse and start to fall asleep in my arms in that beautiful baby way. But then, she will let out a huge poo poo confronting me with the moral dilemma of whether or not to change her (knowing it will extend the going-to-bed routine by at least 30-45 more minutes). (I always change her, but I admit that I do think about it.)
Words of wisdom: Always remember that you are the responsible one but you are not in charge.
Just when I think I have everything going smoothly and am feeling all proud of myself, especially out in public, that's when Maddy has a poo poo blow out. Inevitably I don't notice until it is all over me too.
Just when I think I have everything going smoothly and am feeling all proud of myself, especially out in public, that's when Maddy will freak out when we nurse. Her arms flail, the blanket I am using for modesty at first looks like I am hiding a wild animal under there and then gets tossed off completely exposing how Mads has managed to remove the vast majority of my shirt, she snorts and grunts (adding to the wild animal effect), and milk goes all over both of us and sometimes even projectiles onto nearby objects. By this time there are always at least three people watching me in horror. By the way, she never does this at home. What gives with that?
Words of wisdom: Never be too proud or too confident.
Mads has discovered that it is totally awesome to suck her thumb. The problem is that her thumb is still attached to a wild animal that she has no control over (her arm and hand). This poses some problems for her. Similar to when she was a newborn, her arms can still keep her awake but now out of thumb-desire frustration whereas before it was because they would bang her in the head unexpectedly. And now, when she is kind of tired her arms flail around even more, making it even harder to get that thumb in her mouth when she really needs it, making her more frustrated and more tired, resulting in even more arm flailing. It is a vicious ironic auto-catalytic cycle.
The other day she suddenly went into that oh-my-god-I-am-definitely-dying cry during a thumb-sucking-crazy-fest. It took me a while to figure out what happened and where the little bit of blood-tinged saliva came from. Turns out she scratched the inside of her mouth from the extremely enthusiastic thumb sucking (which often entails the entire hand being shoved inside of her mouth). Poor thing. I couldn't help but laugh once I realized what she'd done.
If I can keep her hands from going crazy I can often times help her fall asleep. This is very similar to the need to swaddle her as a newborn. While she doesn't do the night time swaddle anymore, she does still appreciate a good swaddle when she desperately needs a nap during the day.
Words of wisdom: He who controls the hands controls the child.
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