Counting Blessing

Life has never been so down for such a long time. Traumatized by things that went out of control, worried, frail and helpless. Couldn't just snivel about this surreptitious problem or it was the consequences of the opportunity squandered in the past. Haunted by the helplessness yet I couldn't just morosely weep and this shouldn't be an impasse in my life, no matter how flummoxed I feel, I know there is always hope, and hope comes in different ways every time. 

Its Christmas today and I feel so blessed to be here surrounded by these wonderful friends that helped me greatly during low time. I never expect to receive Christmas present other than getting it from gift exchanging party, I believe there is still so much hope in life as long as the faith remains. 

I used to think I am a kind person but I couldn't deny at sometimes it is tiring, it felt worthless and I hope occasionally these people I been kind to pamper me too. It was recently that I really meet people with big heart, it was from her I see how selfless someone can be, it was then I know how small I really am. It difficult to try to count blessing but today I learned counting blessing is the root of happiness. 

I probably should stop thinking how people should be kinder to me, there is nothing wrong for others to be selfish but it is wrong to put expectation on others. 

Thanks for all the Christmas presents I received this year, that was truly a blessing and I am thankful to have you in my life. 

有你真好~

Of life and coffee

I remember sipping my first cup of instant coffee given by my roommate during matriculation time, it tasted so bitterly horrible and that I had to gulp it down, naively believe that it can help me stay up that bit longer to study for exam, soon realized it to be the worst coffee experience ever - vomiting right after.
And from that bitterness, I had this hatred towards coffee, I never understand why someone can be so addicted to something bitterness level ranked right next to Chinese herbal medicine, I have this impression that I am allergy to coffee, if I drink coffee, I'll vomit. I have been constantly having this narrow mindset for a long time until someone buy me my first Frappucino.

So my Starbucks story begin, my regular visit to this said to be overrated expensive coffee shop. Soon I realized it more than the coffee that attract me, its the people. I somehow have this intuition that Starbucks people are so highly enthusiastic and very passionate to coffee and their job. Not long after that I got myself a part time job at Starbucks at my hometown, then joined them at the opening of a 2nd store there.

Needless to say, its one of the best experience in my life, getting my first coffee tasting, being tricked to eat coffee waste, black coffee is still bitter. Days at Starbucks are celebrated by having Frappucino everyday for the first month, until I gained more weight and suffer bad menstrual cramp. Soon, caramel macchiato is a favorite to replace the freezing Frappucino.

Having coffee tasting every now and then in Starbucks, as coffee tasting means you drink black coffee, French pressed, then share the taste and thought. I soon begin to taste more than bitterness in coffee. Coffee starts to have weight, sourness and different aroma. And from that caramel macchiato to now that I can't accept tasting sweetness in my cup of coffee. It is almost a year since I first started to work at Starbucks and quit few months after, my impression towards coffee changed so much and how this black liquid manage to add colors to my life.

Life is like coffee, you think it is bitter, hence you add many substance to enhance its flavor, its vary from milk and sugar, caramel, cinnamon, chocolate or vanilla - the choices are unlimited, until you then notice it is better without it and realized that its not only about the bitterness, every cup has it unique flavor, it is more to explore beyond the bitterness.

Human and its complexity.

The more people I meet, the more I love my dog. -Mark Twain.

Humans are actually pretty scary creatures because of its complexity, and for everything that is complex, it is hard to explain and hard to understand. I dream of a simple world with less schematic people but then I realized that my world is so complex because I think in such complexity and that caused such extensive suffering and evaporating happiness. And the greatest enemy is in within, perhaps is the way I think that caused me so much misery and I trap myself in such agony.

Maybe I should ask, "Do I need to be happy in my life?" or I am actually so insecure that making people around me happy is the only way to make myself feel remotely happy? and I am actually so fearful that escaping is my only solution, giving infinite excuses to support my getaway yet soon realizing that escaping is never a solution, I end up escaping from reality to another momentary fantasy, stuck and trapped.

I soon realized that the mean and sarcastic part of me is a just way to conceal the insecurity within and the complexity of it is boundless, needless to say that feeling is such subjective thing that plays such important role in life yet why do I put such essential thing on the hands and behaviors of other people in my life and react so pitifully? But how do I control such subjective thing to enhance the happiness?

Life is a learning process, you never make mistake, you only learn from bad example and experience.
So don't make promise when you are happy, or if promises are made never held too much emotion on it.