One year on,
We didn't see any progress
We are still struggling to get by.
I guess all of us are worn out.



When we thought everything was going to get better when the maid came but it seems shortlived.


How do you help someone who doesn't seem to want to help herself.

From the very basic diet and that everything that we tell her to do or not to do.
One year on,
It only seemed to get worse.


I don't know when our relationship broke down.
Maybe it was one too many times that I got lashed out at.
Maybe it was the favoritism.
Maybe it's just me


Haos told me if I want things to get better. I need to start with myself.
Start by living healthy
Giving positive vibe at home
Exercising
Eating right.
Perhaps my positive vibe will rub off my mom.
And looking good will make me feel good too.


With that I decided that I shall embark on a #positivevibe100days journey.


Shall try to exercise and eat right for 100days and see where that brings me.



- Posted from my iPhone

My cancer is me. The tumors are made of me. They're made of me as surely as my brain and my heart are made of me. It is a civil war with a predetermined winner.

The cancer which is made of me is killing my heart which is made of me.

The irony of it all.

Finished up two books "The fault in our stars" and "The pact" which more or less revolves around death.
No I'm not suicidal.
But it did got me thinking.


I don't really want to suffer if I had to go. But looking at the odds. Somehow I just don't feel that I've got a upper hand of some sorts.
Could there be a way to prevent it?

Anyhows. Got me thinking about my funeral. I would really prefer if everybody wore their nicest dress and said/wrote nice things about me. White casket. sunflowers or something nice. I really don't quite fancy the traditional Chinese funeral. Definitely not the music. Something soothing and classic preferred. I would really be pissed like hell if I was sleeping and people played loud chanting music n all.

Maybe I wouldn't know or maybe I would.

Actually I'm quite scared about the cremation coz you literally got burned. It seems like it would friggin hurt. (That's if you are actually alive and feeling something).

Well I'd get it out first.
If I got into an accident, brain dead and all I'd donate all my organs to whoever needs it and fighting to stay alive.

And Id really really hate to burn or drown to death.
Seems relatively morbid topic.
But heck.



- Posted from my iPhone






If you are unhappy about something.
Do something about it.
If the situation cannot be changed.
Change the way you look at it/
feel about it.


That's been my live by quote for a long long time.
But it seems like an impossible task at the moment.


I realized I didn't quite want to write in a diary diary because there's no delete button available and I don't actually want to look back and think of all the stupid things I was feeling/thinking.
Rightsss.


- Posted from my iPhone





Everyday I go through this vicious cycle of anger frustration unhappiness and followed by guilt and trying to come to terms with everything.
And the next day all of it starts all over again.

anger guilt
anger guilt
anger guilt
anger guilt.

Where, how can I find peace?


- Posted from my iPhone










Coz a hotel staycation is overrated.
I guess it would be the least depressing hospital stay ever.


- Posted from my iPhone










What are you passionate about?
What fuels you?


Usually I just switch off the moment I put on my uniform.
Fake a smile and concentrate on getting things done.
Getting myself from point a to point b.
To put it bluntly I just want to do my job and f* off.
Somedays I have fun with people, most of the time I enjoy the peace, the quiet room and my own company and enjoy a good sleep.


Most importanly
It pays my bills.


- Posted from my iPhone