Suzy's Miracles

 Little Suzy is now 12 days old.  In her short life, I have already seen miracle after miracle.  Some of these miracles and blessings are personal and sacred, but I wanted to write some of them here, for her and for me to remember.

• We have had many experiences that have prepared us to deal with various aspects of Suzy's life.  We had NICU experience with both TJ and Jake.  We had PICU/bleeding complications with TJ.  We had birth defects, surgery, and cardiology concerns with Eli.  Our apartment fire in 2018 really taught me how to ask for and rely on help from others.  The time we spent after law school being ridiculously poor taught us how to get through each day by relying on the goodness of God.  None of this makes what is happening right now easy, but I am so glad I have had these experiences to teach me resilience, not to mention lots of the inner workings of pediatric medicine.

• Suzy and I were within an hour of being discharged from the hospital where she was born when a nurse decided to repeat her standard newborn heart screen.  She failed.  If Suzy had come home, I am almost certain she would have died in her sleep during her first week of life.  Instead, we were sent to Spokane to get her heart checked out.

• We were able to drive Suzy to Spokane ourselves.  She was almost transferred, but someone had cancelled their 4:30 echocardiogram, so Suzy was given that appointment and we were able to take her ourselves.  I was able to nurse her one last time and we got to hold her and love on her just those few extra minutes before we found out how serious her heart issues were and she was admitted.

• I stocked up on groceries and froze meals.  This would have been helpful for a normal new baby situation, but it is a lifesaver now.  I know there is lots of food and frozen meal options for anyone who is watching the kids.

• My mom got her flight bumped up two days, even though the airlines originally told her all the flights to Spokane were full.

• Suzy had NEC, which resolved after just one day of antibiotics (the day after our friends and families fasted for her with us).  

• At her 20 week anatomy scan, I watched as they did the up-close imaging on her heart and had a very distinct thought that something was not right.  I asked the ultrasound tech some questions, and she told me if I was concerned, we could ask to see a specialist.  I brought this up with Tyler, but ultimately decided not to take it further.  Throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, I had impressions that something was different, something was not right with this baby.  We never sought out special care, partially out of denial (I'm just being paranoid!  I'm sure she's fine.) and partly out of pragmatism (even if something is wrong, she's fine for now, and we'll deal with it when she's born).  But having those thoughts prepared me, to some extent, for Suzy to have complications.

• Not knowing was also a blessing because if we had known, Suzy would likely have been induced and admitted to the NICU immediately.  Instead, I got to have a normal delivery, and then almost three beautiful, normal days with her in the hospital in Newport.  During that time, I got to feed her and hold her and handle her like a normal baby and I will always be grateful for that time we had together.  Also, her brother's got to meet her!  No visitors under 18 are allowed in the children's hospital.

• Our NICU nurses the last week have been amazing.  We had two nurses who had a child/grandchild who had open heart surgery as infants, and those two nurses were angels.  It means to world to have a caregiver who actually knows what you are experiencing.  Along those lines...

• We have family members who have children with medical complications.  These family members are such a comfort, because we already know and love their children, and have watched them overcome challenges.  It makes this road much less lonely.

• I have a Savior who knows this exact pain.  I have heard testimony throughout my life of pain and sorrow being eased or taken away through His atonement.  All last week, I thought of these testimonies and knew that I could have peace through him.  I finally had my prayers answered and did receive peace and acceptance that I could not find on my own.  I don't feel like I'm carrying this alone, and I can see God's hand in Suzy's life already.

• Being able to stay in the Ronald McDonald house.  It's completely free to us, and gives us a place to stay within 5 minutes of the hospital.  We have a comfortable, hotel-like room, a shared kitchen with our own pantry, fridge, and freezer space, plus access to food and meals donated by the community.  They run a shuttle service to and from the hospital as well, which has been a lifesaver.  Not to mention, the volunteers are the kindest, most helpful people I have ever met.

• My milk came in really quickly and I haven't had any trouble pumping.  I hate pumping, and in the past it's caused some issues for me, but it's gone really well this time.  I'm sure it helps that I have been able to use hospital-grade pumps in the NICU and at the Ronald McDonald house.

• I set up a summer routine for the boys right after school got out.  They are already familiar with it, so it's a comforting thing that provides consistency to their days even though their primary caregiver has been changing.

There are so many little things, too.  Things that may seem insignificant or coincidental, like a friend of mine sharing a picture of her (now 1-year-old) baby in the NICU with a UVC line.  Suzy had a UVC line, and just knowing that was a "thing" took away some of my shock at seeing it.  Friends and family who've had babies in the NICU here and know all the ins and outs of hospital life.  Small things that make this big, huge thing just a little more tolerable.  

We love Suzy.  I am grateful and humbled I get to be her mama.  I am astonished and humbled by the blessings and miracles that have surrounded her life.  The Savior has been very close to us this week.

Susanna Rose Smith

This little girl has been a roller coaster from day one.  I found out I was pregnant with her just two months after I stopped nursing Jake (to be fair, he was 18 months old).  It was a hug surprise and came when we were in the midst of renovations!  To say we were overwhelmed is an understatement.  After several months of adjusting, we were both overjoyed to find out that this little bonus baby was a girl!

As my pregnancy progressed, she measured a week to two weeks behind.  This was new for us, considering I'm used to growing strapping boy chunk babies.  Toward the end of my pregnancy, it was nice because I never felt as huge and miserable as I felt with Ash and Jake.  

The downside of her petite size was that I didn't dilate early like I did with the other kids.  Around 36 weeks I was 2 cm and I sat there until my very last OB visit.  Knowing that, in the past, I'd dilated anywhere from 3 to 5 cm before starting labor, I was feeling so discouraged.  My doctor did a membrane sweep but I was not optimistic it would help.  I was very wrong!

I had a membrane sweep with Eli and had almost no discomfort or bleeding.  This time around, I bled quite a bit and had persistent pain through the night.  The next morning was Wednesday, June 28.  I started the morning weepy and overwhelmed, having some very intense but totally sporadic contractions after a bad nights sleep.  I finally decided to lay down in bed.  I didn't nap but it was a good rest.  After 45 minutes or so, I was having pain even lying down so I got up and puttered around.  

After I got up, I started having intense contractions every 2-4 minutes.  After only three of these, I told Tyler to call his parents and ask them to head out (they live about an hour away).  The intensity built rapidly from there and within minutes I asked him to call our neighbor, who had agreed to come stay with the kids if we needed to leave urgently.

I had a quick talk with TJ reminding him of some things we'd talked about before (helping with Jake, getting lunch items, etc).  Eli and Ash were happily playing a board game and were totally oblivious.  TJ was a little freaked out and Jake was extremely upset, having witnessed an intense contraction during which I was throwing up and making very scary scream noises.

Our friend arrived super fast, which I will forever be grateful for.  We started the drive in and I asked Tyler to call ahead and tell them we were coming and I WANT AN EPIDURAL.  I was hoping that, since it was my fifth, and a small hospital, they would take me seriously and get the anesthesiologist there and ready.  Contractions were so painful, and I really didn't want a repeat of what happened with Eli.

Tyler dropped me off at the hospital entrance and a nurse came over to offer help but I couldn't talk through my contraction.  She brought out a wheelchair and they wheeled me back to the maternity ward.  

I went strait in and the nurse told me that to get the epidural, she just needed to listen to baby, check my cervix, and get an IV in.  Unfortunately, my contractions were so, so painful and I couldn't stand anyone touching me.  She was really nice about waiting until I was between contractions to get me in the bed, but once I got in the bed, I started pushing with contractions and all my hopes and dreams for an epidural went right out the window.  The nurse broke the news and I looked over at Tyler and said, "Not again!"

The next few minutes were the worst, the contractions were so painful and coming so fast.  I labored leaning over the bed and that helped the pain quite a bit, but I couldn't push her out in that position.  There was also lots of crying and "I don't want to do this again" and "Is there anything you can give me for the pain?" (no).  

Eventually I had a break and was able to turn around and lay down.  Pushing that way was way more productive, but my contractions kept shorting out.  I'd push her right up to the precipice and then my contraction would quit and I'd have a minute of down time.  It was so frustrating.  I was completely off my head when the contractions came, it was just completely instinctual.  I had no control over the noises I made, whether I was pushing or not, my body just did it.  In some ways it was a relief when the pushing started because it was beyond my control and the contraction pain eased.

Finally I had a contraction long enough that I was able to push her out, and thankfully, she slipped all the way out.  No second push for shoulders needed.  They put her up on my belly but I was so, so tired and a little bit shocked to see her.  It took me a minute or two to be like, "oh, hey!  My Baby!  You're here!"

She was born at 10:42, weighing 6lbs, 9oz, and 19.5 inches long.  It was around 8:30 when I got out of bed, and I started logging those fast contractions at 9:08, so labor was a pretty quick two hours.  I was not expecting her to be so rapid!  Mentally I had prepared myself for a longer birth since our starting point was only 2 cm.

She was so much smaller than any baby I've had.  She was also more alert - she was awake, squeaking, nursing, waving her arms, for two hours after she was born.  Finally she fell asleep and I did too.

I was very grateful that the staff were incredibly kind.  When I had Eli, nobody listened to what I was asking for, the doctor was really brusque, and it made the whole thing worse.  This time, they listened and were kind and patient.  They let me labor the way I want, and offered suggestions when I realized it wasn't working.  My doctor was so kind when he did my repair.  My nurse stopped monitoring the baby every time I asked (during most contractions).  It made all the difference to feel like they were on my side.  I had some worries about delivering at our small, local hospital.  To be sure, things weren't quite as smooth and seamless as I've seen in bigger units, but I was happy to trade that for a supportive team.

Around 1 in the afternoon, Tyler went home to get the boys and bring them back to meet her.  TJ has been hoping for a sister for years and he has been so excited about her!  He was eager to hold her and just loves her.  It is so sweet.

Ash was also very excited and interested.  Jake was more interested in the good snacks he found in my hospital bag.  He was very sad to see me holding a baby but we made up for it with cheetos and gold fish.

Eli is still mad that he got a sister instead of another brother, but he loves babies and he won't be able to resist for long.  He refused to hold her, but by the end of his visit, he wanted to be as close to her as he could be without actually holding her.

I expected to be discharged the next morning, but as the night went on, Suzie just lost interest in nursing and suckling in general, and by the morning we couldn't get her to eat anything.  Her glucose was down so we spent the day monitoring and doing assisted feeds with a syringe. 

Tyler and TJ came to pick us up from the hospital but since we couldn't go home, they stayed for a little visit.  Tyler and I used the time to settle on her name.

TJ has been suggesting flower names from the beginning.  Rose wasn't his idea, it was Tyler's, but it's definitely a tribute to TJ's early suggestions of "Daffodil" and "Lily."

1 month of Jacob

 

Jacob is one month old!  At his appointment today, he weighed 11 pounds, 1 ounce.  He's 22 and 3/4 inches long, and his head is 39 centimeters around.

Sweet little Jaker just loves to be held.  He's becoming more awake and alert.  He loves staring at the blinds on the windows, and is usually mellow when we go outside or take walks.

He's sleeping about as well as you'd expect - not my worst sleeper, not my best.  He's really prone to fussiness if I don't hold him upright for a few minutes after I nurse him.  As dumb as it sounds, it's really hard to get him to burp so we've had lots of fussiness over retained air that ends up coming up 10-15 minutes after he eats.

Besides that, he generally has a sweet, mellow disposition.

Our neighbor gave us this cute little Easter outfit for him, but I didn't get any great pictures.

If we're holding him, Jake will just conk out when he gets tired.  We've started to pay more attention so that he goes down in his crib, but also... we just hold him alot of the time too.

Jake hates getting put in the car seat, but once he's in, he's content to watch out the windows or go to sleep.

He loves baths.  We bathe him every night before bed, and the routine is good for him and us!  He takes his longest sleep period after his bath. We bathe him anywhere between 7 and 8:30, depending on when his naps fall for the day, and he's been sleeping until midnight or 1.  After that, he's up every two hours most nights.

Jake is still my best nurser!  I got a plugged duct last week, and after a day or so, Jake actually cleared it.  I have never, ever had a plugged duct clear.  It always turned into mastitis!  For that matter, I've never had a baby reach one month old without getting mastitis before.  I'm so grateful that nursing has been easy this time.  It's a blessing that I can already pull off one-handed nursing while walking around.  With my other kiddos, we just struggled until 4 or 5 months.

All the kids love to hold him.  Asher is constantly running up to me yelling "I want that!" (meaning Jake) and holding his arms up.  When Ash holds him, he likes to show me Jake's body parts, especially Jake's nose and feet.

To me, Jake doesn't look much like our other kids.  His face is very round, and Eli has a very round face too.  Jake also has dark hair, so I feel like he's going to look more like Me and Eli, while Ash and TJ look more like each other and Tyler.

We don't have any pictures of Jake really smiling, but he has been doing little smiles at me, Tyler, and Eli.  He smiled at Tyler first, and still smiles at him the most!

Jake is always really calm on the changing table.  I think he likes it because he always knows what is going to happen when he's there (compared to everywhere else in the house where it's chaos and who knows what will happen).

A little half-smile Tyler caught

Jake is a light in our life, and we're so glad he's here!  He gets schlepped around alot because our life is busy, but he's a good sport and I'm grateful for it.

Jacob Aaron Smith

Besides the first trimester, when I was a sick as I've ever been, this pregnancy has been my best.  I've felt pretty good throughout and, thinking it may be my last, have savored all the best things about growing a baby.  Feeling his sweet kicks, watching my belly grow.  

Around 36 weeks was when we had the big snow that shut down our power for several days.  During that time, I started having tons of braxton-hicks contractions that were uncomfortable and sometimes painful.  They would go on and off for a few days and leave me feeling so tired and worn out!  At the end of that week, I had my regular Ob visit.  I was 3 cm dilated at 60% effaced already.  I went ahead and scheduled an induction for 39 weeks, partially so we could make plans for the other kids, etc, and partially because I was so physically and mentally exhausted after a long week.

The contractions continued for the next few weeks but I didn't make any progress or dilate any further.  It was making me so tired and crazy.  Even though they didn't accomplish anything, the contractions left my uterus and cervix feeling sore and achy.  Thankfully, during my 38th week, they stopped completely.  I felt as good as I have ever felt pregnant that week, and it almost made me want to cancel the induction because when I felt that good, I didn't mind being pregnant a little longer! 

On Tuesday, March, 9, I hit 39 weeks.  My dad drove in from Albuquerque to stay with the kids, and Wednesday morning we left early in the morning for my 6 am induction.  It felt surreal driving through the dark to go have our baby!  On arrival, I was still only 3 cm and 60%.  I was hooked up to pitocen around 7, and it gave me more of the same painless, useless contractions I'd had at home for weeks.  They upped the pitocen once or twice, until the contractions were somewhat regular.

Around 9, my doctor came in to break my water.  I was 4 cm by then.  Internally, I despaired (only 1 cm in 2 hours? This is going to take forever!) but within minutes of her breaking my water, I started having real contractions.  They scaled in intensity really quickly, and by 10:00 I was ready for an epidural.

Right after they placed the epidural, I had a really powerful contraction and started shaking.  I told them I was pretty sure I had hit transition, and sure enough, I was an 8.  I messaged my sister at 10:39 to tell her I thought we were getting close to the end!

The epidural took a few more contractions to kick in - it numbed my right side completely, but took a few minutes to get my left fully covered.  I had a weird triangle of uterus on the left side that didn't go numb until right before I started pushing.  My epidural was placed by someone who was supervised by another anesthetist - maybe she was training? - and even when she placed it I could tell it was off to the right side.  After they turned it off, it took hours before I could move my right leg again.  I've never had a weird epidural like that, but I was still glad I got it!

About 10 minutes after that 8cm check, my two nurses came back in (one was being oriented as a new staff nurse) and said that baby's heart rate indicated I was probably complete.  I hadn't felt any "push" yet, so I was dubious, but they checked and said I was 10 cm. The next contraction I had after that came with the urge to push!

My doctor showed up pretty quickly.  Once she was in the room, I got teary and excited because we were about to meet our new baby!  I was so, so excited.  

Pretty soon it was time to push.  What I remember most was being so excited, and not being afraid.  With all my other babies, I was always a little afraid during pushing because, even with an epidural, there is some pain.  I just didn't feel afraid this time, I felt like I could do it and I was ready for it.  

Pushing went pretty quick - I don't know for sure, but I think it was under 3 minutes?  It was fast enough that, according to my doctor, he smacked his face on my pelvis on the way out.  He was born really purple, especially his face.  He cried quietly and was breathing fine.  He was born at 10:52, making the whole birth process about four hours!  

I held him for a minute, but his face stayed really dark, so the nurse took him to the baby cart to pink him up and weigh him.  She finally brought him back over and explained his face was just bruised from the pelvis-smacking, poor thing!  The rest of his body was pink and healthy.

I delivered the placenta and got one small stitch where my episiotomy scar tore, but that was pretty quick!  He wanted to nurse immediately after the nurse gave him back to me.  He latched on and nursed and nursed and nursed.  I've never had a baby do that - Ash latched about 20 minutes after delivery, but he only suckled a little bit.  This little boy stayed latched for almost an hour, and after I handed him to Tyler, he wouldn't settle until Tyler let him suck his pinky!  Jake has continued to be my most hungry little newborn, nursing for long periods and already trying to cluster feed on his second day of life.

The surprising benefit of his vigorous nursing was that my uterus shrank up beautifully, so I wasn't subject to the painful "uterus" spinal massage I had to endure with all my births.  Of everything in about labor, that was the thing I was dreading the most this time around!  I was super happy I didn't need it this time.

Once we got moved to recovery, the nurse had a hard time taking his temperature.  She took  him to the nursery for a quick check.  After about 30 minutes I finally pushed the call button because I was wondering where my baby was?  And a few minutes later a nurse came to tell me Jake was running cold, so they had him under a heater.  Thankfully, he just needed a little help getting cozy and was fine after that.

Overall, I think this was actually my favorite labor experience.  Having it scheduled took so much of the chaos, worry, and panic out of the delivery.  I knew my kids were with someone who loved them. I still got to feel some of the labor part, which was important to me, and I got an epidural in time (also very important!). 

For a little while after he was born, Jake did have a hard time keeping his temperature up.  He spent a little time under the heater in the nursery and after that he hasn't had any trouble!

They also happen to be doing a Tiny Texans/Dallas Cowboys promotion during our stay, so we got a little outfit and cowboys swag and they took photos that supposedly will be used promotionally during the NFL draft this year.  We shall see. 

We brought Jake home on Friday, March 12.  I was so excited for the boys to meet him!

Eli was the first one to hold Jake.  He was so, so excited.  Eli has a naturally nurturing heart and he was just as tender and sweet with Asher when he was born. I love seeing this side of him.  When Jake cries, he will run to check him and tell him, "It's okay baby Jake!  It's okay!"

Ash has been really great with Ash - don't let the face in this picture fool you!  He wants to hold Jake constantly, and has developed a bad habit of following around whoever his holding Jake and screaming at them for a turn.  He's had a hard week adjusting, especially because it was spring break (when TJ is home, Eli plays more with TJ and less with Asher).  I was really worried that Ash would be resentful of the baby, and while it has been an adjustment, he's more frustrated with mom and dad.  He loves Jake and gets so excited about Jake's tiny nose and fingers and hair.

TJ is, once again, the sweetest oldest brother.  He loves holding Jake and will sit and talk to him.  I couldn't ask for a better oldest child - he's great example for all his little brothers.  He's also the only kid I fully trust to hold Jake without me keeping my hands on the baby.  With Ash, TJ would often help out by feeding Ash a bottle at dinnertime, and I'm sure poor TJ will continue to get saddled with extra baby chores.  Thankfully he's really sweet about helping!

And now, we have FOUR KIDS!  

I'm so grateful Jake is here and safe.  We love, love, love this little man.  I'm so grateful I get to be a mama to a fourth little boy.