I Hope You Find Yourself

Hey, how are you? How was your 2017?

Love it or hate it, I wish you had done your best. Whether you feel stuck or feel the most growth, I hope you'll always thrive for more.

I hope you'll find the strength to do what you think you should do and to fight for what you really want/need for yourself. If you're confused, take time for yourself and try to identify what matters. Life is very creative when it comes to bringing people down. Be mindful and surround yourself with the best people.

Expect contentment, joy and a lot of good times. You will realize that you are enough for yourself. You will give up on people that don't want you back and don't want to be fought for. Stop killing yourself because the phone won't ring. Your time is equally worth with those who can never make it, and you know you can have better company. Call them. Or mum.

Beijing Diary: Kroaaaakkkk... cuh.

"I'm going to Beijing."

"..Why?"

I was frowned upon by basically everyone whom I told I was going to Beijing for holiday. China is not a popular destination, Triggered by (mostly) bad stereotypes, I am determined to see this country by myself. So here's my thought on few things:

you have to see this yourself

Country
You can't go anywhere in Beijing without the government knowing. Boasting 5000 years of culture, as well as the fact that every corner in Beijing is monitored. The country is not shy about stalking its people. You'll encounter many things like this:

Was 2016 So Bad?

Trump is elected president.

The rights are on the rise.

King Bhumibol is dead. Fidel Castro is dead.

So is a lot of celebrities, writers, journalist, and huge guys in 2016. My favorites weren't as significant as Prince, Muhammad Ali or Christina Grimmie. It was Harper Lee and Umberto Eco. When the time comes, we feel like it's never enough.

But some people are luckier and still have time in their pockets, they are the dearest of my hearts.
I'm fortunate because they're alive. My parents and brother are fine, my grandparents are okay, my friends are confused (but alive), and I am doing well.

I'm grateful I still have time to help people around me, making my parents happy, taking care of my boyfriend when he needs me. Those things matter. And I'm blessed to have opportunities left before they're gone forever.

Being drunk and not getting hangover, impulsive holidays, weekend getaway, getting job done before deadline, a cup of morning coffee, comfort foods delivery, technology that keeps pampering us, living in Thamrin, romanticizing Jakarta past midnight drive, enjoying bus ride on a rainy day with my earphone on, John Mayer, having someone to cuddle, payday, Hamilton, they're all great.

I'm thankful, so thankful. So, was 2016 that bad? No, not so. But may next year will be better.

Gagal LPDP Dua Kali

"Zi lo bisa ikut LPDP lagi tahun depan, satu kali lagi."

Begitu bunyi pesan pendek yang gue terima tadi malam, dan gue cuma punya satu tanggapan dalam pikiran, "Ain't nobody got time fo dat."

Jadi gue sempat mengajukan beasiswa untuk kuliah magister luar negeri LPDP dua kali dan gagal dua-duanya di tahap wawancara. Pertama di bulan Mei 2015, kedua di bulan Agustus 2015. Gue menyiapkan dokumen sejak setahun sebelumnya, baik surat rekomendasi, essai, IELTS, SKCK, tes kesehatan (untuk bulan Agustus 2015), surat ini, surat itu, surat blablabla dan tentu saja dan Letter of Acceptance dari universitas. Gue mengantongi 2 unconditional LoA dari University of Leeds dan University of Southamptons. Ahey.

Kenapa gue gagal? Wallahualam. LPDP tidak memberitahu alasan mengapa masing-masing calon awardee gagal. Jadi semua yang akan gue tulis kemudian adalah konspirasi dan asumsi gue semata, oke.

Meragukan Kesaktian Tuhan

Semua temen gue tau kalo gue males ngomong tentang keimanan gue. Bukan soal agama gue loh, keimanan merupakan sesuatu yang terlalu pribadi untuk dibagi ke sembarang orang. Gue masih yakin kalo Yesus itu Tuhan, tapi yang mau gue omongin bukan itu. 

Di abad 21 ini gue jarang nemu orang beragama yang tersinggung karena agamanya diomongin. Karena gue emang ga berteman dengan mereka. Yang sering gue temukan adalah kami yang saling menghina, atau karena gue adalah pihak penyinggung, dan yang tersinggung bergeming tak mengurusi urusan duniawi layaknya martir syurga.

Sudah menjadi pandangan umum bahwa agama itu urusan masing-masing pribadi sama Tuhannya. Mau muja Yesus kek, Leonardo di Caprio kek, pohon kek, sama aja. Apapun kata gue mereka akan tetap menjadi Tuhan setidaknya buat lo, dan gue yakin kesaktian mereka ga bakal berubah karena perbuatan siapa-siapa. Mereka akan tetap sakti, apapun yang isi bumi katakan tentang mereka.