-school term-

I made my choice but I am sad about it. I chose my module over my holiday. Unlike my foreign friends, they chose to live. They are prepared to get a B. For me, I cannot do badly this semester again. I need to get a 3.6 at least. If not, I am dead. How am I suppose to survive? I am inevitable sad, but at the same time I am determined.

choices to make, I made.
reality hard hit
I accepted
but teach me how to smile again.

I back again to the facade happiness existing as a mask.

Pictures of my Holiday

Finally had the chance to arragement my picture after getting from my uncle. hehe.. here are some..

Hangzhou











On broken bridge aka "duan qiao" the place where Mdm White Snake met Xu Xian.. *sigh* never snow.. if it snows, the bridge will mircalously be like zebra crossing.. haha









<-- See that man in blue, he's my uncle.. kept taking pictures.. Guess what was the time? 0630am.. busy taking pixs not knowing my tummy so hungry..



<--see that? it is NOT a dragonfly.. it is a KITE!!!! Flew by this man ..

haha.. empty road.. you know why?Coz.. it is around 0630 only... nobody goes sightseeing as early as us-.-''

<-- Isn't this giantic? from the olden days.. wine cup.. it stand about 3.5m tall..HUGE!!!.. hehe.. Don't dare to stand next to it.. I'll look damn small=p

take my own pix before conquering the pagoda..

see the statue behind.. I kinda of find it funny..

My quest of conquering this pagoda!!!!

Teach me how to SMILE

Yesterday, I cried for half an hour when I was all alone in a Group study Room in school. My teacher had changed our mid term exam to Fri(16/02). And my family plan of going back to Malacca on Thurs(15/02) were dashed. I had been counting down to the day of returning to malaysia and enjoy my holiday is gone for the year. Because of SMU timetable, I skipping my cousin's wedding in march. Today, I was so sad when I went down to the bus station to get refund for my family 3 bus tickets. Initial plans of me taking my uncle car back and parents bus are dashed. My family stayed back with me for New Year. Can anyone feel how sad I was? I had been spending one whole week busy with school projects meeting and presentation. Had been going home at 10pm. The only consolation is the day of chinese new year is coming. Now? what am I suppose to look forward to?

How can my prof do this to me? It is just a final exhibition of our art piece. She mentioned that if i do not turn up, I'll not get a grade at all. In another words, FAIL. Hey bro, thanks for calling coincidentally that day. *sigh*

-a lesson learnt-

Today we had a 45 minutes feedback seesion with my prof. I must admit my prof is a very nice lady who tries to let us know how cut-throat the reality is. Her way of grading serve as with well of no unbiasness- a better method than some prof that grades the student's participation point in the way of his memories of remembering the person. But it is a reality i cannot cope with. I must really speak up soon. I need to survive.

aja aja fighting.

-Glimpse of the Future-

Sitting in my study room and having a little cup of coffee, I suddenly thought of my future. Daddy is going to retire in one and half year time. Nothing can stop me from thinking how am i going to survive my coming years in university. selfish I am, but insecure I am too. The way I spend money, the way I leave my life has always been in comfort. Now in university, I am using my pay before entering university to pay my extra $500 plus of school fee. Should I take up teaching tuition again? Feel like taking daddy and mummy on a holiday next june. Save money save money!!!

I am only year 2 next year. It is inevitable that I am scare to face the future. Life is like drinking a cup of hot coffee. The fear of burning the tongue when coffee is too hot, but if I don't drink the coffee it will turn cold and be wasted. Okie.. enough of this fear. Now my nags..

Argh.. I need to do a 1000 words essay about creativity!!!! oh gosh.. require researh too...haiz... School work is never ending. How I wish I can go shopping at Far East to get dresses.. I am putting on weight again!!! How... so many tghings to do. but no heart to do.. haha.. crap...

The Declaration

I finally total Justin my thoughts for the last time. After two weeks of not feeling right and him hot on my heels, I decided to tell him crudely. Trying to act blur for the past few weeks, pretending that nothing happened and continued to drop hints that I do not want a relationship. But clearly he either acting blur or my hints are not clear enough.

I had enough of such emotional torment. He called me again and again. Msg me to call him once I reach home. I ignored.People told me to ignore and he will get the vivid hint. But I felt not right to do that, so I replied his msg one day later. I told a lie. I don't feel good too. I said I left my phone at my friend's house the night before. Guess what is his reply?

"aiyo.. I thought what happened to you. Last night I did not sleep well."

At that statement, I had goosebumps. All I answered was-'oh, sorry' what am i suppose to reply? Then came the msg, "you free tonight, we go out for dinner?" I lied again. Saying that I am going to my friend's house again. But I added this sentence-"hey, i think I know what are your intentions. But I still we will be better if we stay as friends."Guess what is his reply again?

"Do you think it is really impossible? I really had intentions for you. you must understand I am in army."

After reading it, I never reply or do not even intent to reply. It is really impossible!! can't he see it, I only treat him as friend. I know who he likes and what kind of girls he like. What do he see in me? When that statement " you must understand I am in army" left me with the impression that he is desperate. I am not saying all army guys are desperate but I know if they ever look for a companion, they are bored. My university guys told me all their thoughts during army. Girlfriends are object that they use to boast, sex story are bedtime jokes.

Maybe many still think that I am that Sophia in JC. Hoping to find love. I no longer that girl. I am ready to move on and be my career woman. I don't hope to find love or settle down so soon. Now my guy must be able to provide for me, have a stable income and love his family. How many can nowadays my age guys can do that? Being crude, I am not surprise my future hubby is 10 years older than me. hee...

On a lighter note, a little joke to share. Yesterday morning i had a letter for me once I woke up. It was in red. I thought it was new year card, but not. it was a letter for Weiliang. Teaching me how to protect myself from dogs. really thank him for his concern. haha.. I think I'll try his steps the next time. But why red, I thought was another love letter. -.-'' but it is not to that extend, he tell me he knows that he is not very romantic but he is trying his best to impress me. Telll me to stop losing weight coz it hurts him.. haha.. Ending with wishing me with "Happy valentine!! Then he wrote, "I know you will find your sweetheart soon. And I know it is not me =p"

While reading the card with the "heart pain" and "color of the card", initally I was afraid. But when I read the last sentence, I know he was trying to cheer me up. Thank you. the card made me smile the whole day. haha..

An attempt to dress up.. argh...

A night of Fears

Today was having a gathering at Liang shi's place. After BGS class, Ian sent me there. So sweet of him. I think if wasn't for him I would have cried tons too. But the night wasn't so good. Ian was back home, and I went to get a cake for the birthday people. Lost from yishun, walked eight bus stops along yio chu kang and got scared by dogs barking and almost fall into the drain. Ran, cried, shivered, kept chanting wanting to go home.

Tears just streamed down my cheeks. I was so scared. Haiz.. when the dog chased after me, though there was a gate, the closeness freak me out. I cried. Suddenly my chest tightened, so painful and I cannot catch my breath. Heart seems so pain. so I cried my heart out, nothing can fully describe the fear and hope I just won't get nightmares again.

Dreamt of suay lun again. The nightmares are never ending. like why can't it just go away. Perhaps I cried was also due to the tiring day 0730 out and 0000 reach home. Two lectures, rushing here and there, getting lost, heart crashing down. Now, project meeting. Gosh. what a life. haiz.. I am so tired. sweet dreams

Reflections

Envy and more envy. Returning to SMU this sem, I am pretty atonished by the people returning for the new term. Many people had went to do a make-over. Make-up, straightening of hair, dyeing, highlighting and new dress style. Guys, girls , everybody. Me? Hmm.. after 2 days, I decided to stick to who I was initially. Simple dressing. Comfortable to last me through the day.

But inevitably I will envy why are the girls so gorgeous, slim and attractive. Like some guys or most guys, we all hope to catch some people attention in a nice way. I think I am like that too. But at the same time, I just want to be a quiet girl through my 4 years in SMU. What am i suppose to do? Haiz.. should i do a make-over or should I not?

Work has already start to pile up. I am real stressed. Argh.. but gathering is coming again. Sometimes I am afraid that my class guys will not turn up as the girls are always holding a gathering whenever we are free. Haiz... I wonder this time who many will turn up..

Lessons

More lessons and more lesson on saturday. My school term started one week before any other university and so my monday and tuesday classes are all burnt due to the New Year and Hari Raya holiday. So in order that the students don't miss any other lesson, we are given make-up lesson on Saturdays. Today I am given Analytical skill make-up lesson till 2pm. Urgh.. How I wish I could slack at home, hiding under blanket and sleep my satuday away.

I had a tough week. Lessons and more lessons. All i wish is just to be stronger. And I promise I will. Pull together all my strength and run towards the finishing line for this term. aja!!
Next week will be worst. More make-up lesson, more energy burnt.

But I at least have an outsource for my stress. Gym and blogging. Hehe.. A little picture of my gym kakee..

He looks much older in person. Sarah says he looks like a pervert. haha..

Here's a sentence that I use to cheer myself..

No matter what happens, life goes on. Instead of putting a gloomy face to go through life, SMILE! The day will be brighter and life will seem so much better. Ellyn.. hope you're doing fine now. We are all in the same boat I guess. Let's jia you together!!!

-A New Term-

Two days into starting of this new school term. I already met some hmm.. but I told myself to bear with it. Difficult modules but I am just going to be more determine to do well. I have 7 more sem to prove it! aja aja fighting. Felt like crying yesterday when people who did so well but still complaiming about their poor performance. What am I suppose to say?

Today had statistic lesson. damn tough! Bought all the required text I need and I cost me S$109 in total. Argh.. I gonna so burn my own pocket. Make-up lesson are all post pone to 13 Jan. Argh.. I just planned a gathering on that day and I only can make it after 7. Stupid term. 6 modules, 5 credits. working hard, sophia!!

On a lighter note, I had a funny thought while leaving the book shop today. Carrying so many books in hand, I suddenly had a crazy thought. Books that weigh at least 5 kg. my laptop weighs 2.8kg. Total I had 7.8kg on hand. I thought how I wish I had a boyfriend. Haha.. to carry this pile of books, pamper me and console me of this stupid situation I am in now. Crazy thought yeah?

Are girls that vulnerable? hee.. how can I have such thought when I need a person immediately next to me. selfish? hee.. just a little crazy.

Okie.. time to do homework. Tata..

-Quick Updates-

Let's have an update of my days in Shanghai, Hangzhou and Suzhou. Had fun. Lots of pictures but only can update when get it from my uncle. Haha.. Okie.. Let's say, there is three days I did not enjoy myself. I found out about my results. GPA 3.0 out of 4.0. I called home to cry, cry to sleep in Shanghai and just dazed. (Gosh! the hp bills sure is high!!hee..) Then Sarah told me this,"You have 7 more semester to prove yourself. For some people, they are not even given a chance."

For a moment I realised how stupid i was. I can always try harder in my next sem. Many things can be done. Ask my profs, study more and look on the bright side more often. Many times my heart is not with me as I dislike my school. But I am wrong. It is also because of that, I don't do well. I am no difference from the girls in school. Just a little low esteem . So Buck up! Haha.. Decided not to ruin my hols, so I played hard.

when to Sig's 21st birthday party on a yatch!!!! Damn cool. Here's some pictures..

the S13 gals (missing Ag due to CO)..

The triplets with tee..

With birthday MAN!!! hee..

S13 2004-5

Nice memories that I will have with me all my life. another gathering on 13 Jan for Ting and Sig who's leaving for taiwan at the end of the month. Haha.. Sig's mum said that I am the most chio girl in S13.. Hohoohoo.. must be see wrongly=p

School starts in 3 hours. So excited!! Not to see those B**** but a NEW semester to prove myself! Here I come..

Ellyn, if you read this, just wanna let you know.. S13 gals will always be here for you. The guys and gals are all thinking of you. Life may not be smooth, but there is always a light. Going to a new environment takes time for us to adapt, give yourself some spaces to breathe k.. I know at the end of our journey, we will see the light!!! Love you. Aja aja fighting!!!

Back to school..