-lost-
Are you feeling lost now? I am. I do not know why am I so stress and I just do not know how to relief it. I tried baking yesterday, singing today and watching tv all day. But nothing seems to work. Haiz.. sometimes I just feel like digging a hole in the ground and hide away from the fast moving surrounding. Everyone in University is getting along so quickly. They all seem so happy, adapted to the place and find it comfortable with their new friends. But I don't seem so. Walking to school from city hall mrt, observing the people around me. Friends arrive at school together, chat along the way sharing umbrella on this rainy day. While I walk alone under my own umbrella, feeling so sad in early morning. It is so unlike my normal days to JC, where I have julian in yr 1 to walk with me, deshun, justin and edmund in jc2. Chatting all the way making a good and energetic head start in the morning.
In university, everyone is moving so quickly. Lessons end, people rushing of to meet friends for lunch, some rush to library to grad hold of books the professor just mention. For me, most of the time after settling admin stuff, I head home. Though I'm at home, I am not too happy either. I'm afraid of being left out in school activities. Take for example, I'm learning salsa in university. I really wanted to go on friday, but the learning sessions clash with my LTB classes. While I really want my OG mates to join me on monday, but I guess it wouldn't be fair for them. Especially genie has lesson during the monday session. So I thought I should accompany another guy friend of mine next term since he said his timetable clashes with all. Guess what? all of a sudden, he told me he is going on monday with another friend. When asked, the other friend is a girl, an his dance partner. So I'm left all alone again. Hmm.. you know when I heard it, I cried. Not because I lost my "dance partner" but instead the feeling of being betrayed. Maybe at least he did tell me he was joining instead of leaving me all alone thinking of accompanying him for next term. But the point that he only told me after sending his application and found another dance partner. This incident was like a catalyst to my emotions that I really feel left out in school.
Truthfully, I'm not a person that like sudden changes. Some changes I can adapt fast, but some I can't. Mummy says sometimes an environment forces a person to be stronger, need to adapt in order to survive. I guess it was a wake up call for me to open my doors to make new friends again. All my friends in IJ Punggol, SJC and SRJC I miss you guys lots.
Do I belong here?
-Different Lives-
I woke up this morning, staring at the ceilling. Thinking of Liangshi words the night before. He said I was in the wrong school. People there are all high class, while I'm in middle class and that's why I don't clique well. Hmmm... How true are those words? Is this really the reason i don't make much friends there? Now often my friends would joke how different I am in Univresity and in JC. In JC, more than half of my year-mates know me. Maybe because i was bubbly and smiling everywhere i go. Even greeting strangers are things I do in school. Joke with the canteen aunties and uncles. The cleaner aunties and also the bookshop uncle and aunty too. That's where I got my nick "Apple" in chinese. haha.. But in University, it is so different. Not that I hope that i'll be popular in school but I mean at least have a bunch of friends to lean on. In JC, I have so many friends. That made my life in school so fun. In university, nah.. But back to the point, are Liang Shi's word said to be the reason? I really hope not.
I am who I am. Middle class person who believe in achieve things using my own means. Hardly buy branded stuff, no cosmetics or high heels. Simple jeans, t-shirt and sandals. I don't want to change. But looking at the way of life in University, if I don't change soon, hmm... but i kinda happy being who I am. But I wonder why am I not smiling as much in school? Let me tell you how my life goes. On tuesday, lesson ends at 1145. I'll will make my way home once i settle my miscellaneous stuff. Stay at home, I feel so comfortable. I joke with my mum, type on my laptop and sing the songs i like. While I have friends staying in school, hanging around friends n more friends. Am I a loner? I hope I'm not.
Today I saw Joanna(Josh) pictures on friendster. She changed lots. A Les. and even too picture of her and u know.. in bed. Maybe I am too square even though I once tried that kind relationship. But truly, I would never expect a pair to do this. I wonder why she changed so much. How is she doing? All I hope she will be doing fine. Take care my friend
-Sad Truth-
How much do you understand the term "friendship"? I think I get the gist of it. But it is a sad part of it. The sad truth of friendship. Each time we enter a new stage of life, old bonds tend to break and new ones are formed. Currently, I think most of my friends are facing this too. I spent my sunday evening with a bunch of friends that saw me through my hardship in overseas. The Tau family. We sat at the Punggol Jetty for three hours . Wei hao bought a cake and we celebrated our friendship. He made it so sad. But I totally agreed with his view. Forever Friends in only a term. To keep this friendship alive it only requires few seconds or an hour. However, people tends to overlook it. And that is the same reason why I cried during the the movie "Click". Yesterday was an example. Shi hao chose to go out with his girlfriend instead of us. and it is a second time in a row he did that. at Xinyi's birthday barbeque he brought that girl too. And all the couple did was to sit at a corner to tlak in their lala world. At least Kenny's girlfriend socialised with us and we joke lots. Friendship you ask?
I miss liyun and huiting much. haha.. how? are the old bonds slowly facing cracks? Are my new bonds forming? But they are all guy friends=( certain things I cannot really do. Like whining. haha.. which guy would like girls to whine lots? hehe..
I fell in love with the sea. how? hehee Next time I wanna go to the jetty again. Hehe.. anyone interested?
-Myself-
haha.. I'm waiting for my hair to dry. Just came home from an Esplanade play that I accompanied Justin to watch. Conclusion, I'm clearly not an art person. Haha...
so here are some questions about myself. Maybe after few years, these are memories of my 19th year of life.
How old do you wish you were?
Hmm.. 17 years old. To correct a mistake I made?
Where were you when 9/11 happened?
Watching the TV I think.. Hehe..
What do you do when a vending machine steals ur money?
Haha.. simple! people who knows me, i will hit the machine and start whining.=p
Do you consider yourself kind?
Actually nope. I do have an evil side.
If you had to get a tatto, where would it be?
Behind my neck- where my hair can cover it=p
If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
haha.. french^_^ it is a language of love.. that's what I heard
Do you know your neighbours?
Yes, of course.
What do you consider a vacation?
Away travelling to places with my loved ones
Do you follow your horoscope?
Hmm.. certain extent. The part where I'm homely. Truthfully, I like cozy and quiet places.. so yup
Would you move for the person you loved?
I think so.
Are you touchy feely?
Yes, I think I am. I don't really touch the opposite sex but hit! Haha.. For gals, hugs are wonderful.
Do you believe in opposite attracts?
Definitely. Haha.. The people I mostly had crush on were having opposite character of mine but have similar likings
Dream job?
Able to allow me to travel around to explore and help others.. And high pay too. haha.. Coz of my lifestyle
Favourite Channel(s)?
Hardly watch tv=p
Favourite place to go on a weekend?
First thing came to my mind- BEACH. Blow the sea breeze with friends or loved ones
Shower or Bath?
I think is shower.. Haha..
Do you paint your nails?
Yes!! My toes. Coz I have ugly ones=(
Do you trust people easily?
Last time, I do. But after last year, I find it hard to trust guys. Sorry pals. But i do.
What are your phobias?
Meeting Suay lun again. Or meeting somebody like him.
Do you want kids?
Of course. But I wanna spend 1-2 years with my hubby having the little world to ourselves first.
Do you keep handwritten journals?
Yes I do=p For memories sake.
Where would you rather be right now?
In bed sleeping.. hehe..
Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
My family and friends
Heavy or light sleeper?
Light!!! so any prob that u really need somebody to talk to, just call me.
Are you paranoid?
Very. Since that incident.
Are you impatient?
Actually, at times yeah. But most of it, I'm rather patient. Coz I often slow and ppl have to be patient with me=p
Who can you relate to?
Anyone that I feel I can open my heart to and willing to listen
How do you feel about interracial couples?
Nothing much. Normal. But I won't get a spouse of differet race.
Have you been burned by loved?
If "burned" means hurt, yes.
What's your favourite pick-up line?
" Miss me?"
What's your main ringing tone in your handphone?
Arashi- Wish
What are you doing at midnight last night?
Doing FA homework.
What did the last text in you cellphone say?
"Thanks for accompany to the play. Sweet dreams to you too"
Whose bed did you sleep on last night?
Duh.. of course mine!!!
What colour shirt are you wearing?
I not wearing any shirt.
Most recent movie I watched?
"Click" and I cried.
3 things you have on you at all times?
bra, panties and clothes
What colour are your bedsheet?
Browish yellow
How much cash you have on you now?
None
What is your favourite part of the chicken?
No preferance. But never the butt
What's your favourite town/city?
Actually none. I like the country side. serenity and peaceful
I can't wait till:
I be a successful woman and have everlasting friendship with everybody
What you have for dinner last night?
Corn soup
How tall are you when barefoot?
1.54?
Do you have a gun?
lol.. is water gun considered?
What you prefer to drink in the morning?
A glass of warm water=p
What is you secert weapon to attract the opposite sex?
I dunno, u tell me?
Where do you thinkyou'll bein 10 yrs?
Lol.. Married and have a wonderful family.. Haha..
Last thing you ate?
Tau Hua
What songs you sing when bathing?
Can't stop falling in Love with You
Last thing that made you laugh?
The thought of someone
Worst injury you've ever had?
Falling down a rough slope. Having my knee caps scrape of flesh and skin. Now scar is quite visible
Does someone have a crush on you?
Hmm.. Being love is a nice thing. But I think currently nope. Who's interested in a short, round and loud girl? you?
What's your favourite candy?
no preferance=p
-The new Life-
Do you know how much I miss you guys? Maybe i'm an emotional person. I really missed my friends. Like yesterday, at the end of convocation, I saw Shu Hua. My first reaction was to hug her. Not that I forgot my best friends, but the thought that it is so hard to meet an SRJCian in SMU.. It has been 1 month since I last saw her. Can u believe it? During this weeks, new friends, new interection and new style of living. Mugging isn't my cup of tea. I miss LHS. So much too. So sad, on weekend parents dun allow me to stay over!!!! Crap.. it is so difficult to let them be less strict with me. Haiz.. Wanna know the number of things i did behind their backs or against their will? learn to kayak, rollerblade, rockclimb, trekking, swimming, gave my first kiss, eat too salty preserved food and stay out late at night etc.. To others it may be normal stuff they do, but my parents certainly don't allow these. Why? Cause of my medical history and duh.. last year incident. Can you believe, since school starts I have a curfew? Time 11. -.-'' I understand muumy's concern, but i really wanna spend time with my friends. Even if it was an hour, it means lots to me.
Have my friends in our University moved on? Or it is only me still stuck at where I am? Yearning to spend them with them. Sometimes just thinking of it, tears will just roll down my cheeks. I read samuel's blog last night and today. Learn alot of stuff. Almost similar as him, my dress sense is weird, don't like to shop aimlessly and rather sit at a cafe or sofa just talking about life. Hmm... life.. He says he's a boring guy. Am I consider as one too? I dunno. Andri in melbourne, andrew going for overseas training, Liyun and Huiting soon being with Lab work, sylvia with A levels and me projects and more projects. When do we get to really sit down and talk?
Haha.. enough of depressing stuff. i'm still having the damn nightmare. Arghh.. why can't he stop bugging me?
My eye rings are get more obvious. Haiz..
Here's a little quiz I done on Samuel's blog.
The Five Language of Love
Your Primary Love Language
Quality Time
Your Secondary Love Language
Act of Services
Results
Quality Time 10
Act of Services 7
Words of Affirmation 6
Physical Touch 5
Receive Gifts 2
After doing it, I realised I dun yearn for lots of touch except hugs and maybe a little peck on my forehead. Perhaps after that incident, i had unknowingly equate touch = violence. Gifts are the same thing. Giving a gift to seek forgiveness or please the partner becomes very wary topic to me. Haiz..
-Adaptation-
Usually when people hear this words, we think of animals adapting to their emvironment. But for me, it is plainly a human thought. Ihave problem adapting to SMU life within the first few days. who goes mugging everyday far school? Who has test every week. Not one subject but for every? Goodness. Tell me something that will cheer me up? I can tell you i was super depressed for the past few day. But a good news was i was going to stay over night at huiting hostel supposedly tonight. I was super happy. a day where i get Girls Talk. But the happiness was postpone. Liyun had diahorrea. But next week i can't meet up as i have 3 assignments due date on fri. I miss hui ting and liyun so much. I was so depressed that i really missed them so much. I do not know whether they experience it before, but talking to those ppl, I feel quite stupid. The terms they used and stuff. I was depressed.
But something brighten my day. Andri called me last night. Haha.. i was so happy that he still called me. haha.. miss him lots too. Baka!!!! haha.. spoke for an hour!! Can see how much i miss him? Haha.. We spoke till it was 12midnight in Melbourne. haha..
S13, Andri, LHS especially I MISS YOU guys. Love you lots!!!!!
-feelings-
Have you ever felt real lost before? I had. Many times. Always between the point of making a decision, and know that one party will eventually get hurt. I started out this quest in the beginning of year. I was suppose to make a choice of university and course. Knowing what my parents like me to pursue and the one I dream to is totally different. I ended up in SMU Biz. Is this what I want? I don't know. I've been drawing and designing clothes, items, anything that comes to my mind. I guess that will only be my hobby. As I see one by one of my friends entered university and study life began, I feel so lonely. I do not have friends like oxy have seok min and becy, like seow sian have melinda, like liyun have joanna, or huiting have sally. When night falls, I always wonder how am I going to survive that 4 yrs. Da jie say if from the start i dislike the school, I'll not excel there. I just dunno. On saturday, I'm having convocation and S13 class gathering. actually I only look forward to the class gathering. That's when I can be Sophia. Haha.. Really. I miss all my friends so much. There's so much to say but too little time. I wrote another letter to liyun but again I nv post it. Guess gonna pass all to her that day.
University life start turning bad even before school starts. Tmr my camp group is having a dinner gathering at mache, I told diana(female organiser) i can't make it. But just Julian(male organiser) remind me of the outing, when told him, he told me Diana actually say everyone can make it so they make it tmr night. -.-'' i'm tired. really. Why is life so tough in SMU even before it starts?
Am I that detestable? or am I seen as a pest to girl? I don't know. I'm only Sophia.
Sophia.
-after thoughts-
Opps.. been two weeks since I last updated. Just came back from camp on wed. Broke camp at 1520. Luckyily, aunty fely came to campsite to pick me up. haha.. Did not know Melvin was a leader there. Worst he was my kayaking instructor and I don't recognise him. He changed so much. A year since I last met him. Haha.. Everyone thought I was his girlfriend!!! As we both stayed behind to wait for aunty fely. Haha..
Overall, I had after thoughts after going for the orientation camp. Though there are still doubts, but yep, not as many as before I guess. Made new friends, embarrass myself and stuff. Haha.. Truthfully, till this point no guy have truly attracted me. Hmm.. wat's wrong with my hormones? SMU is a fine school. But do I belong there? I don't know. Can you imagine a row of cares driving into Changi campsite by our seniors? You have a range of cars. From BMW to mini cooper to mercs. For my group, most of them stay at Farrer Road (Bukit Timah), Steven Road, East Coast and some high end estate. They wear bikinis at camp. Haiz.. Besides that, their topic and I have no link. BOYS? HANDSOME? RICH? SHOPPING? U know me. Am I like that? I miss my JC class. Miss everyone so much. But one thing for sure, anything happen I can always fall on Melvin. Haha.. Now there somebody who promise to watch over me as I go thru my uni. A famil friend.
Thank you for giving me a wonderful JC life. Thank you.
