i dunno if i shld continue doing this. the feeling wasnt same anymore and it seems useless.. kinda?
the past one month was really the period of doubting myself super hard. it was kinda shitty and probably is becuz im expecting something and it didnt happen. and i thought that it doesnt matter to me. its only after then i realise, actuaklly in my heart i really wanted it. thats y the big disappointment i guess. and the qns now is shld i try again? i dunno. i used to be so stubborn at certain things and that now, im really.... kinda given up on it. which was probably why it hit me so hard the previous month.

god knows how much i was going thru that past month and i dont deny the thought did come to my mind. im probably wasnt the optimistic kind but i think i lost it the last one month that alot of things, doesnt seems to matter anymore. i lost interst in alot of things. i dont wanna do it. i dont find myself having the heart to do it. be it anything. the feeling was probably something i didnt felt for a long time. or rather never b4. even if i had, it wasnt so bad. i somehow could manage to recover from the vicious cycle and pull myself together again.
this time round, i dont have the heart to do so. probably is the disappointment that faced over the past years and that probably im delusional that things will be better. but somehow not really. i know its partially my fault that things are being like that. but looking back, i thought that i had regretted. but i think deep down, i dont. cuz at that moment of deciding, thats what i wanted the most. and feeling the feeling of regrets is only when you over think of the what ifs. and in actual fact, what-ifs dont exist. if it exist, there wont be so many people regret their decisions. i think these 2 days, i had stopped myself thinking about the what if in the past. in the future, what if dont exist too, cuz it probably didnt happen. thats why its call what if. right? mayb i dont make sense la. bu ti thought the change of perspective was a good way too.

8:25 PM ·