Farewell

And so this concludes this blog. Goodbye to nearly 4 years and over 700 hundred posts worth of memories, and hello to a new start. Here we go ! http://www.psychomotormoron.blogspot.com/

Attacked

Attack of rhinitis that is. No idea why but I always get pretty serious case of the sniffles whenever I get back to Rotorua. Hayfever ? My eyes are not red or itchy. Allergic to something ? I seriously hope it is not because of the cat. Whatever it is, I guess I will have to live with it. I hate it when I start sneezing and the nose runs and all that. Happened on the night of the tramp, and it sort of ruined the night because I was too sick to stay up and chat with the others. Oh well. Looks like the operation when I was young did not cure the sinus problem. _____________________ Anyway, in case anyone is wondering, the war is still on. Some serious soul-searching (?) going on, and I reckon I might be nearing a conclusion. I hope. And despite some good advice (thanks girl-friends, I appreciate it), I think I should not be affected by external influences and just listen to myself for once, which by the way, is deafening enough inside. So yeah, ignore me when I ask what I should do, because I think I am just asking for the sake of asking. It is my life, and no one is in better control than I am. Despite me being such a idealistic control freak in wanting things the way it is planned, it is now a good time to rethink everything and just live in the moment, for once. Heck, perhaps I should just stop over-analysing my insides because it is at the stage where I am trying to take everything apart and the parts do not seem to fit together anymore. _____________________ Studying is nowhere near where I want to be, once again. Genetics is driving me insane because it is reminiscent of "A" Level Math Statistics. Somebody just shoot me. I am such a naive arse to think that I could escape anything numerical after Physics last year. No, sirree ! Why, oh, why must I be such a moron when it comes to numbers ? The only way for me now is to keep hacking at it though, because it is an interesting subject, and I do not plan to get any shit mark for it. _____________________ Just realized I have been home alone for a week already. Time really flies ! Mom will be back tomorrow, and I cannot wait because I think I am beginning to get bored, although my days are pretty short due to me sleeping in everyday. Haha. This also means that I can start baking because at least someone else will be eating what I made. Not to mention the stuff I asked her to get. By the way, my "man" got scratched by the cat ! Bugger ! Now I cannot sleep with my "man" (I know how dodgy that sounds, but my "man" is the Mogu soft toy) because he is leaking tiny styrofoam balls from the 3 holes on the head. Bloody hell. Am pretty upset because I will not be able to get a replacement here, and it seems like my mom could not find a place in Sg that sells my "man" anymore.

Confounded

Yes, that state of mind. The unfamiliar territory, the place where I said I do not really want to go into. Where am I going ? How will this end ?

The head and the heart is waging a war once again, although the heart is somewhere lost in the bottomless pit of my logic. I have always said logic over emotions, because I guess I am afraid. Afraid of taking that jump, afraid of not reaching the other side and hence falling into the deep abyss with no way out. One could say I am a coward when faced with a situation where emotions should take over. Can always trust that logic always finds a way a muscle through everything. Will it, once again, triumph over the heart ?

So, what now ? Learn from the past mistake and run away forever ? Or to try again and hope hard that it does not turn into another mistake ?
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I reckon I should start studying. Have not touched my books ever since the Thursday of the Practical exam. Think I did ok, but as usual I felt that I could have done better. I NEED to study harder ! It is never too early or too late to study.
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For I am a mystery
I am a locked room in a tall tower.

Deciphering me" by Brooke Fraser

Superfluous

Wow. Second day alone, does not seem that bad really. Love the peacefulness and freedom of being alone. It is good to be home. Just gave Faraday a big wash complete with shampoo, wax, vacuum, and I even wiped the windows with glass cleaner. Yum. I love it when my car is clean. Now, what should I do tomorrow ?
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140. I was born on: 20th April

139. I am: a vet student on a path to self-discovery and finding my place in life.

138. My cell phone company is: I wish I owned one, but vodafone and singtel is providing the service for me.

137. My eye color is: Black ?

136. My shoe size is: Euro 42, and whatever that fits that might be a range of ridiculous numbers.

135. My ring size is: No idea.

134 missing

133. I am allergic to: Bullshit, figuratively and literally (refer to a post in Feb), dust and whatever that can be inhaled and causes my sinuses to react. Stupidity.

132. I was born in: Singapore

131. I live in: New Zealand. For now.

130. The last book I read: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Yes I am STILL at it because the stuff is really pretty deep for my shallow intellect, and the lack of time.

129. My bed: has all things blue.

128. Are you happy with your life? Good question. I haven't thought about it. Pretty happy I suppose, I have everything I need.

127. Last person to send you a text message: mom

126. Ever smoked a cigarette: No, and never will.

125. AIM or MSN or Yahoo: MSN

124. Do you email: Yes

123. How is the weather today: Sunny and cloudy at times.

122. Do you have your wisdom teeth: Yes

121. Ever been to Disney Land: Nope

120. My favorite holiday is: one which has a lot of fun and adventure.

119 missing

118. The last three cd's I bought: Last 3 all by Maksim. Awesome pianist.

117. Last song that made you cry: The long goodbye by Ronan Keating I think, after Wackie passed away.

116. Favorite video game: Do not play video games. Period.

115. Are you religious: No. Still trying to find my stand on religion.

113. Summer food: Whatever.

112. Piercing: 4 on the ears. Might get one on the naval if I ever train my abs. Lol

111. What did you do last night: Had dinner, watched TV, and mucked around.

110. Favorite childhood memory: Cannot really remember any fond ones.

109. Cartoons: Huh ? Am I supposed to state my favourite cartoon or give my take on cartoons ? Cartoons are awesome. Yeah.

108. Do you play an instrument: Used to know how to play the piano.

107. Favorite class in school: Biology

106. Speak another language: Mandarin and some swear words in various languages.

105. Do you drive: Oh yes of course ! And I got my NZ driver licence ! Woohoo !!

104. Do you exercise: Yes, if my laziness does not get the better of me. I lost most of my stamina, damn it !

103. Ever kissed someone in the rain: No

102 missing

101. what time is it? 4.15pm

100 to 84 missing

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

83. Love at first sight: Impossible for me, but could be possible for others.

82 missing

81. Fate : the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time. As stated by dictionary.com. A big no to that, but I believe that death is our inescapable fate.

80. God: No. Although I am only halfway through The God Delusion.

79. Aliens: Perhaps, because the universe is just too big to rule out such things. What makes us think that we are so bloody special in this indescribably big universe ? Why only us on this planet amongst the countless billions of other stars and planets ? And please, do not go into the religious argument with me on this.

78. Heaven: The one related to religions ? No.

77. Hell: Ditto to one above.

76 to 75 missing

74. Soul mates: Again, the word "soul" has many different meanings. But not really, unless someone comes along and proves me otherwise.

73 to 71 missing

WHICH IS BETTER?

70. Hugs or Kisses: Both are equally good on different people.

69 missing

68. Phone or Online: I do not do well on phones.

67. Red Heads or Black Hair: Does not matter.

66. Blondes or Brunettes: Does not matter.

65. Hot or cold: I reckon cold, because you can wear more but not less.

64. Summer or winter: Both has its own beautiful moments.

63. Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate !

62. Night or Morning: Night, because I am not a morning person.

61. Oranges or Apples: Whatever.

60. Curly or straight hair: Whatever.

LAST TIME I...

59. Saw someone I hadn't seen in a while: The first day of school, and before that, the day I went back to sg after a year here.

58. Cried in front of someone: Pretty long ago.

57. Grew: Hair doesn't stop growing throughout life does it ? Stupid question.

56. Who is the ditziest person you know: Hmmz.. No idea.

55. Who makes you laugh the most: I think I can find humour in everything.

54. The last movie you saw: 300 in the theatres ! Oh sweet cinema.

53. The thing I don’t understand: There are a lot of things I do not understand.

52. The most unsatisfactory answer I have ever received: Something totally unrelated to the question I asked, or no answer.

51. The one thing I plan on doing this summer is: I just came back from summer break ! No idea what I am going to do next summer though.

50. The thing I am looking forward to most? : No idea. I do not plan too far ahead.

49. The thing im not looking forward to doing: Packing up and leaving at the end of the year.

48. Today: was alright.

47. This summer: I was plastered with crap.

46. Next week: Will be coming soon.

45. The person who knows the most about me: I think certain people has bits of information about me, but darling knows the most I guess.

44. The person who can read me the best is: Reckon no one ever does.

43. the most difficult thing to do is: admitting to mistakes and claiming responsibility for fuck ups.
42. I have gotten a speeding ticket: Not yet, and I plan to keep it that way. =P

41. missing

40. The first person I was/am in love with: Does not exist.

39. The first time you had a crush: Years ago.

38. Last time someone said what you were thinking: Must be pretty long ago, because I cannot remember.

37. Right now I am talking to: Yf.

36. What is your dream job: Something to do with animals and travel.

35. First job: First ever job was selling school uniform, but I reckon I would rather state the job at the zoo as my first one.

34. I hope: to experience and learn as much as I can, and die peacefully.

33. The worst sound in the world: Hmm...

32. The person that makes me cry the most: No one person ever did.

31. My boy/girlfriend: Does not exist.

30. Florida or Hawaii: Whichever.

29. My favorite piece of clothing: something comfortable.

28. My favorite sport is: Triathlon I guess, the ultimate test of endurance.

27. My best friend(s): is nuts. Haha !

26. My friends are: great to hang out with.

25. My computer/laptop is: an amazing piece of machine, but on its way to decline though.

24 missing

23. Last person I got mad at: Seriously mad ? No idea, but I got pretty mad at this stupid driver who nearly made me collide into her.

22. My worst drinking experience: Never been seriously drunk but I puked though.

21. The all-time best movie is: The Lord Of The Rings

20. The all-time best thing in the world is: Knowledge and logic.

19. Last thing you ate: apple

18. The most annoying thing ever is: babies crying for no reason and cannot be stopped.

17. The most annoying person you know is: I shall not offend anyone.

16. I lose all respect for people that: do not lead by example.

15. The movies I have cried at: LOTR when Gandalf fell

14. Last phone call: mom

13. TV shows I watch: CSI, CSI:NY, Bones sometimes, House

12. I want to be: happy and successful

11. The worst pain I was ever in: hip joint pain maybe ? No wait, must be the application of this Chinese medicine on broken wounds. Yowza !

10. My favorite phrase: something I say often ? Swear words maybe. What the hell ?

9. My room is: messy, and full of stuff.

8. My favorite celebs are: do not really care about celebrities.

7. My top person is: I don't play favourites.

6. My favorite color is: Blue, and might I add dark colours ?

5. My weakness is: Laziness, impatience

3. Who broke your heart: Try to break a muscle. How is that possible ?

2. One thing that makes you feel great is: achieving something I set out to do.

1. I filled out 140 questions because: I have nothing better to do after cleaning my car for nearly 3 hours.

Discovery

So I have been told I cannot speak Mandarin to save my life. Haha. Awesome. One year here and my Mandarin degraded to nowhere. It was alright when I spoke to my father and grandmother when I went back, but when I tried to talk to my Chinese friend here, I could not find the right words to say. It is as if someone turned off the Mandarin switch while my mind desperately tries to fumble around, getting words from the closet in pitch blackness. Now I really wonder how I managed to get a B3 in my 'A' level Chinese. There goes my status of being bilingual. I used to dislike Chinese lessons, often doing something else or skiving off, but somehow now I reckon it could be useful to be able to speak Mandarin. Now what ? Maybe it would get better when my mom gets back and I could speak to her in Mandarin.

And yes, I am a potato. Or a banana, whichever you prefer.
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Easter break is finally here ! Do not really want to think about the 2 crazy tests I had, just hope I did alright in the worst case scenario.
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Tramping to Sunrise hut was awesome ! The tramp was relatively easy, and my only peeve was that there was this huge random group of 19. But hey, it was not all that bad because for a while I was tramping alone, which I quite like because I could enjoy the sights and sounds at my own leisure. The views were absolutely breathtaking, as we were on a high point. Caught the sunset the day we arrived and the sunrise just before we left. Amazing. Never knew I could wake up at 5.30am to catch the sunrise, that is so unlike me. Haha. And while on our way there, the car I was in broke down halfway to the reserve. What a bummer. Should have volunteered my car or something, at least Faraday is more reliable.
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The random day trip to Wellington was great as well; we set off pretty early in the morning, had ice cream, viewed the Egyptian exhibit (yay ! I had wanted to see that for a long time) and some wildlife exhibit at Te Papa museum, mucked around for a while and then headed back to Palmy.

Now I am back in Rotorua, after a 4.5 hours drive. Could not break my previous record on the Desert Road though, because the road was rather busy. Oh well, at least I am still alive. Drive was alright I guess, except for a few idiots who pissed me off. Scenery was as gorgeous as always, and I counted 34 roadkills. Haha. I reckon there are way more, must have missed them every now and then. I love driving, while blasting music. So I will be in Rotorua alone for about a week, I suppose I better be productive.
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"Whoa, you have a heart of stone."
Mag.

Drowning

Right. I should just keep my mouth shut and not ask people how much they got for their results. Because it just makes me feel like crap. Period.
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And so it begins, hell week. Presentation tomorrow, I have no idea why I am pretty stressed about it, but I am. Will try to calm myself down tomorrow, because it is just a presentation right ? How bad can it get ? Animal Science test on Wednesday, contributing to 10% of the course mark, and Anatomy practical exam on Thursday which they pushed back (thank goodness!!).

Will be heading off to the Ruahines for a tramp to Sunrise hut on Friday, and going back to Palmy on Saturday. Then it is off to Wellington for Te Papa museum for the Egyptian exhibition (woohoo!) on Sunday, and thence back to Rotorua on Monday. Mom is currently back in Sg, and I really hope she could get another pair of glasses for me because the pair I am using now is just crapping up my eyesight even further. Cannot wait for the week to end !
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Need to keep charging on, cannot afford to get any more lousy results. Oh and I apologize for the angry post before, but my statement still stands that I am pissed with myself.

PS : I am definitely not hinting at you people to send me stuff.

April Fools' day ended uneventfully actually, did not get tricked and I did not trick anyone. Haha. I am good this year.

Back to my books I will go.

Awake

Finally woken up from my slumber, I hope. Got back my results for the Genetics test last week. I am an arsehole. I swear. That was a slap in the face to tell me what a lazy bum I am. People are getting full marks and what not, here I am, not being able to get above 30/40 for one easy test. Did I study hard enough ? I guess not. That better not be the best I could do, or I am seriously in deep faeces. Need to hermit myself up once again for the next few days, because I absolutely hate getting the results I am getting now. And I will be beating myself up harder this time, for I am so sick of wanting so much and yet not being to get there. All the grand plans and high aspirations, all fell apart because of my stupid, insatiable need to play. Sure, I want to enjoy university life, but heck, I am spending shatloads of my parents' hard earned money and yet not doing the best I can do. Guilt, that is what it is.
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Have learned to not expect anything from anyone anymore. The more I expect, the greater the disappointment will be. Am sick of hearing lies as well, because I have an almost uncanny knack for sorting out the logic and seeing through the lies. You know what ? I frankly do not expect anything for my birthday, let alone be sent stuff. So yeah, I guess I will go about with my life, not having expectations of anything, except high expectations of myself. Damn I hate disappointing people and myself. So please, do me a big favour by stopping all the lies and big talks.
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In fact, just leave me alone. I need to freaking sort out my thoughts and studies. Guess the week alone at Rotorua would do me good. And no, this is not the hormones talking.
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Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

"Talk" by Coldplay

Weird

I think I am finally beginning to care more about people, by the way I reacted when someone tripped on the stairs. Would use to laugh or try to stifle a laugh while trying to ask if the person is alright, now, I am really concerned if the person is alright or not. My hall mate was like, "you are supposed to be laughing at me, not asking if I am alright !" So, is that not the usual response you should give others ?

Reckon I am losing my old craziness though (ask old friends what I could get up to eh ?), perhaps it comes with age. My sense of humour and wit seems to be missing in action as well, that cannot be good. I like making people laugh actually, for I totally agree with the saying that laughter is the best medicine. It is just nice to see people smiling or laughing, rather than being depressed, angry, and what not.

Sometimes some nonsense is just what I need to get me through the day.
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Just found out a little more about the private lives of the people around me. I know it is none of my business, but it makes me wonder what different people think about different issues. Me being here resulted in me being more open-minded about certain things, but I wonder if I would ever change into something that I used to think I would never be ? Would I do something that I said I would not vehemently a few months ago ? Would I be seen differently if I did something that seemed to go against what I said ? Do not know really, but I guess the opportunity to test my views would not present itself anytime soon.
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Really not looking forward to next week. Have not finished my slides yet and have not started studying for the 2 tests next week. Am I in deep trouble or what ?

Boredom

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Detached

Somehow I have always let my logical mind take over everything, because I felt that logic was the safest and most stable form of my personality. I must admit, I did not really like what happened when I let myself go and liked somebody the past few times. The embarrassment, the uncertainty, the certainty of ridicule if the other person found out, and all that jazz. It all seemed so juvenile and naive, now that I come to think of it. But something from the unfathomable depths is stirring, I suppose, because I cannot really tell from the cacophony of the logical mind, blocking everything else.

Do I need such complications ? Do I want something like that ? Now even if I had sorted out that part of the thinking, perhaps I was not meant for such things at the moment. Some people seem to change partners every now and then, I have seen a few new couples at my hall this year, and sometimes this made me wonder what is wrong with me. It seems as though I am the only one among my friends who has not piqued the interest of the opposite sex. Am I not pretty enough ? Or is my personality too weird ?

As much as I like my single life and freedom, somehow this catches up to me sometimes, and I have no idea why. Hell, it can be pretty annoying when I think about stuff like that when I know I should be focusing on my bloody schoolwork, which is sliding off an acclivity like a rock tumbling off a mountain. And no, I do not think this is a sign of desperation, because I do not need a man to be happy, and I am certainly not prowling the streets in search of Prince Charming. But perhaps I do yearn for romance, although I would hate to admit it. Heck, has anyone seen me so emotional before ? I think it's the hormones talking.
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Speaking of things that gets to me, another thing is being surrounded by smart and hardworking people. Here I am, goofing around and blogging, while others may be studying their heads off and what not. Came back really early from anatomy lab one day, and saw my classmate head back to Ferg while I was on my way for a run. That made me somewhat guilty about neglecting my work and not having a passion for what I am learning. She actually made the effort to stay back and ask questions and acquire knowledge, while I was trying to get out of the lab as soon as possible, and not giving a care to things that are not stated in the lab manual.

Reckon I am going about my studies the wrong way. I am just learning for the sake of learning and passing examinations. This is not that I want, I should be learning because I want to learn, and have a passion to learn, in preparation for the future as a veterinarian (I still cannot believe that I am going to be a vet). I am still searching for my motivation to learn, and am still trying to stop myself from lazing around and gallivanting.

So, tell me once again why am I bothered by emotional stuff when I have so much to think about ?
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Wit is educated insolence.
Aristotle