And now I'm entirely hollow, I've spent time drawing & the process brought me to a whole peaceful spectrum where even the voices in my head thrives to stay low, but then when its done, when its done, I, I don't know what to feel.. Well I guess I expected to feel whole, or like full of accomplishment or bliss or something, but, but the drawings or the portraits of people I sketch stares back coldly and creates this vacuum of right, nothingness. I don't feel tired or drained out or sad, just.... what now?

Have you ever had moments when an image of the love you lost remains cryptic when you need them the most but pops out in the darkest nights, taunting you in luminous favor? Like they're the goddesses of surreptitiousness who decides when to show up and leaves whenever they feel like it and offer no reason to you whatsoever, like destiny or fate, who keeps asking us to wait patiently to understand the full picture. For fuck's sake man.

I've known a person who stays numb on drugs, who believes in god, but continues taking drugs because he feels like god doesn't believe in him. he has done every righteous thing in his pathway when met with choice and loved every being like his own brother, but still doesn't get it what he has been doing wrong. this is the time you need an answer, a guidance, or just a little ray of light enough for you to build your faith on, like the fertilizer on the base of the soil that keeps the flowers empowered and pretty.. cause when you don't feel rewarded, you don't actually feel the vigor of pursuit, of fighting when every of your willpower has been used up..

A kid I am counselling is a truly amazing kid who is enthused by the same factors kids get excited about. ofcourse she's intelligent and speaks english better than kids her age does but she has been bullied since primary school up til now because of reasons she and the bulliers don't even know of. her face? her accent? because she's mixed? because she's straight? what??? seriously.

no, seriously.

I know sometimes we don't have the answers to things too infuriating for the current us to understand, but really, it's not fair that some, that some just gets it easier than others do, especially when the suffering is often among those easy getters.

yeah everybody is suffering in their own way for pete's sake now, they're just worried that they haven't watched the latest episode of gossip girl...