Everytime we get a little bit more older, there's a bundle of expectations that were tied to us- just like balloons and candles that keeps on increasing every year. We've all entered this world with similar chances of success, happiness &love. Our life is actually a cross relationship between nature &nurture. I am a normal, natural teenager with repressed anger flowing through her veins, a teenager who might have welcomed poison in her whenever sh's at th brink, a teenager who has not much competence but still wants much more. Breaking th dawn, sh cried out to the world as a vulnerable being- who had no idea how sh got here or how much trouble sh had been destined to but who was alr armed w a pomegranate coating that protects reality from seeping through her heart. I'd like to believe I was born on a rainy day, as a fighter &all th positive things between literal lines. But if I was born a fighter, everyone else was too, since luck doesn't exist do they? Luck couldnt exist cause if not, it only shows that higher power is playing a game of bias-ness; smth that shouldn't be cultivated here on Earth. But then again, is life a random game? Couldn't be could it? &Then again, fighters were nurtured, not nature-d with.

Pain becomes truly overbearing when it is especially not yours. These are th wild array of emotions you have to deal with when you stumble into a relapse of seeing someone you love, hurt. All these years you tried to imagine what real bad news sounded like, but when you actually hear bad news, it simply makes no sense; it's like being told th definition of a black hole by a physicist, or being told that th world is fair by a sinner. Its different if it is a bad news about you, cause you know you'll manage- you wont just turn a handgun towards your head or jump off a 20 storey building- cause you know you'll have that composure, that cunning thing of telling everyone else its gonna be alright so it wont hurt them much either. But you wouldn't know how somebody else works their life's tragedies cause they might be more corrupted &poisoned by this world of scum than you are. You only wish you could protect them instead-like a canopy of leaves blocking away sun from blinding eyes. You wish you could suck all th poison away from their tender brain, attack all those retarded fuckers who had attacked them &keep them at a safe hideout you built under childhood influences. Although feeling so desperate as I am, I can only whisper prayers; that their strength can sustain through difficult times, that they'll get over it &get back up on their fucking feet.

Labels: im rly not alw so emo ok., ps

soft murmurs, i wish you can hear me. ▲▲

Sometimes when it's raining, we'd like to believe that heaven is crying- atleast along w us. Life sometimes feel like a dark, unfathomable vestibule that can't stop smelling fishy enough, you'll feel intrigued &suspicious. I'm still raw, all th way to my bones-sometimes I feel brand new, at times, I looked down to th palm of my hands to search for any signs of excessive age-ing, but there's not even a spot of wrinkles. I envy faces that under imponderable circumstances, still bolt under full relays of melancholy; its smth I'll never learn to grasp. I want t find a key, any fucking key that will lead me to another alive dalai lama who will tell me its worth it to smile, to make someone else happy even when you're not. As a child, I learned to fall asleep talking to th wall in the darkness of my bedroom, thinking it would be the same splendour speaking to my sister, if I had one. I only dared to talk to my mum when I'm happy. I buried my childhood &my memories deep because everybody is already facing reality- I didnt want to look foolish to them cause frankly, I don't know where to start. For some strange reason, I walk aimlessly through crowds to make myself feel claustrophobic &frustrated at th fucking fastlane. I get so pissed off, at th human traffic, th obliviousness, I think I should point a pistol to th sky &scream for everybody to slow down! See, these are th kind of things that get me pre-occupied; the vague plans of changing history, the pretense &th possible outcome makes me feel safe enough for me to move on. I know I need to go. Somewhere, anywhere. Bring me. Save me. Please.

undiscovered ▲▲

A year ago, I believed in true love.
Im a non-believer now.
Bullshit, but sorry.

shadows. ▲▲

Its just th first week, yet I feel so dire- as if all my juice &gusto have been wringed out from me; leaving me w nth t parade ard with.
Slept in lectures, woke up 15 minutes l8r thinking I've preciously &satisfyingly spent an hour- then I looked ard catching a glimpse of Ivan laughing at me which took me awhile t discover tt I looked like a skeleton just awoken up from its deathbed! Thanks ah.

These few days, my bravado has been showing its stripes- my rebellion streak, at its best.
I'm thirsty for danger. Hungry for something different. This isn't a state of queer notion that have left me straddling empty air. I can be happy &be like this at th same time too. Way before this I was so afraid that I am defying my gravity of nature- preposterous to what I used to be but I found out, I'm preposterous in nature itself; I'm like that, so there's no need to worry. I just wanna know if consistent temporary bliss compiled tgth can seem to be in sync w permanent ones? Or maybe th statement of permanent bliss doesnt exist because how can you be always happy when misery is perpetual? Then again, how th hell do ppl afford to always place a smile on their faces w/o backing down? Inhumane, but I take a bow :)

On a random note, I think stereotypes are actually quite fun. Besides surprising myself, I love th look on people's faces when I tell them smth t th contrary. Likewise, we ownself build impressions on first hand flairs that we observe- but when we were proven otherwise, we were sought to reconsider our flow of thoughts &accept th surprise forthcomingly. On my first tutorial for psychology, Marion, our tutor, who looks totally chinese-like, brought forward this ice-breaker where every each of us needs to say 2 facts &1 fiction, then th rest of th class have to vote on which one they think is fake. Apparently, th lesson of th day is to observe &make assumptions on concrete evidence physically. Semi-shockingly, sh is not a chi at all. When it comes to my turn, I said, 1) I dont really like to eat, 2) I like sports & 3) I love surprises. Only two girls voted that no. 1 was fake, th rest thought it was real. Everyone else went w no. 2. Then Marion interrupted &said I was dangerous, somehow. Sh started murmuring out loud abt her theories &then gave up. We continued w some lessons then, somehow knowing how to tell better lies.

Th rest of th week, sucked, sucked, sucked. Bt i love gatherings :D

Anws, conclusion- I love surprises.

nobody. ▲▲

At th end of th day what do I seek?
What do you seek out of me?
&Who will I see before I shut my eyes when all else fails?

teenager ▲▲

i dont love you like i did, yesterday. ▲▲

You re-concealing your disappearance &jump back begging for love, to me was like sin begging for forgiveness (heard it frm somewhere). My strengths were more incorporated as scars that healed by a little touch of time &everything else that others were willing to offer me. What you took back, th reason you hesitated &all th glorious emotions you exploited out of me shove th dark clouds away &showed me a sparkle of revelation &th existence of karma. You shouldn't have found me because I didnt want you back. You missed all th things I wanted you to see- th witness of my growth, my victory & my pain but you nonetheless, were non-existent; you were only a creation I develop out of sheer boredom &hopelessness. Th other part of me that was facing reality knew you were meaningless, following me like a shadow that never cast on any surfaces I passed through. Perhaps you are a carcass, residing from our time, our history. That never one goodbye stings you doesn't it that it is echoing so loudly in your head like a chant that haunts you to this very day. You were readily leaving because you knew you wanted smth else ahead that might excite you more than having to wait for a girl who couldn't give what you wanted. I'm just so glad you found many others, but none that was near my figure of memory. Thats how I leave my mark, that is how you have to remember me by.

stairway t heaven ▲▲

Updates by this week, I swear.
For now, I can't bring myself t reminisce &allow tears t form.
Th team were like stars that crossed my sky but Singapore's been a bitch.
Everybody cant stop dropping bombs on me back here!
I'm tired- I need some rest, need some composure, need evth t get tgth before I explode into million pieces.
Give me some mercy pls, I'm not perfect i know.
But you arent too, you should have known.

wet blanket ▲▲

I am 80% steel, 20 % jelly-like substance.

Laos. ▲▲

I'm sorry if I hadnt inform any of you that I was going t Laos- that I am now at Laos alr.
Anw, its been 4 days, I presume; I dont keep track of time here apparently, but hours do seem t pass so fast even when we have t stall our butts for 3 hour journeys to &fro from province t province or from waterfall t waterfall. We hadn't consume red meat for days which makes us, lifeless-airheaded-supposed very appreciative kids, not very productive lately. Th only halal place that we discovered is a 5 star hotel nearby, which we haven't have a chance t visit, since, since we are very busy people who, seemingly have time t go bowling instead. There're stray dogs all over you know, bodied w totally pitiful faces &bony outlines; you can't help but stare at them as if they're humans starving. Cows here are abundant &their smell fooooooh~ so captivating! But watching them chew on th grasses while travelling past those stick houses &lowly-lit streets with photogenic villagers just carve a satisfying smile on my face; not having red meat in my stomache is worth it, for now.

We reached here on Sunday but few of our luggage just arrived ytd; didn't care what happened but we forced ourselves t totally forgive th responsible party as th sueing thing won't work. For days, we were wallowing on not having precious clothes &undies &facials &chargers &seronding daging (azeemah's) but we knew too well that it was a good idea t exploit money from anybody at all, who felt responsible. Hahhahah. Though shopping here is damn cheap, we're clueless on what t get for ppl at home except for ourselves. Haha.

Omg there's alot more going on &its crazier everyday! Having THESE girls around me all th time is such a blessing, really &th rest of th team were rly funny &outgoing. We watched Mama Mia a trillion times on HBO almost every dawn &night breaks &we are apparently shitting everyday too since there's nth edible but veggies ard here. Nabilah is semi-consciously snoring away while having her mp3 blast out loud in her ears. Azeemah is comfortably asleep also so I practically should too.
Anw, there it goes; a lack of update.




"AZEEMAH IS AWESOME I LOVE HER SO MUCHHHHHHH OMGZ SHE IS THE BESTEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I THINK THAT THIS TRIP IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME BECAUSE AZEEMAH IS HERE WITH ME ON THE TRIP!!!!

(sighs happily in content)

Anyway, today we said we could sleep early for once, but it's nearly midnight and I am still fascinated by Azeemah's awesomeness! How can I sleep when I have Azeemah the awesome beside me!!"

*sh wrote this when I hesitated t show her uhm, stuffs. Awesome right? azeemah, azeemah.

wanted. ▲▲

Everytime I get homesick or lovesick, I tend to have no appetite, which escalates concern from others (which is sweet, yeah alright) but they make me want to stuff tissues down their throat. You know, I love t talk, but I hate questions &noisy conversations. Questions meant 2 things; ppl are interested to know you better or they are out of topics t touch on. Either way, I have always hated instant undertaking. I'd like everything to be more practical than theoretical. Yeah despite leaving destiny in th hands of very capable chemistry, I personally prefer people to slowly decode me, cracking &fixing my shell &get graved into similar emotionally linking situations rather than me having t tell them who I am. It can't be define by a few weeks, months, even years of exchanging words anyway, right? Maybe you get a few pieces of th puzzle right &some can round up to different perspectives of how they oversee you but I never ever intended t hurt anyone in th process, (maybe one or two here &there, depending on how much their memories have th potential of scarring me randomly, putting me into vague plans of resentment, but it never really last anyway).

I write most of my time so there's always an element of what I feel at th moment, but feelings never stayed too permanent. I just want to remember. I am an overly excessive sentimentalist in th making so thats what I do. Knowing I tend t notice little things, discovering ppl are so afraid &cornered when they're around me are just absurd &ridiculous. Tsk. Self-esteem issues I suppose, which reminds me that Azeemah directed us t take a survey that touches on th most real &apprehensive situations among our society nowadays. Despite th fact that I had a culture shock when I was transiting from secondary sch, I am th kind of girl who'd want kids to take their time growing up, I am th kind who walks home from school wondering why some people are so mean &racist, not why kids should be mature faster. Soon enough, th age range of teenagers would be from 10-17? Great.

Anws, hailing &only recently figuring out what I really wanted t do; I think I'm getting a little bit too obsessive. I wrote a letter to Tina on my progression as a depressionist (yeah, no such word btw) as I missed alot of initially targeted chances of little, baby steps t success. I always fall t Earth back down with a thud whenever I try t find heaven. But some told me too I can find a little piece of it, here, in my hometown, here, with humans. I said I knew, I believe them. Then they told me only lucky ones will find this true meaning of bliss. That, I didn't believe them. I said; only lucky ones get a taste of hell &sail through them, then proceed to appreciate th wonders of life &start t think its heavenly enough. I want t be that person, I guess. Right.