Sorry for th previous post outburst. I'm so unpleasant, I know. But it happens.

they said i should come back home ▲▲

Fucking save it if you dont mean it at all when you're asking a person how they feel. You expect them to ask about you &just attentively listen to you babbling away abt your life &hoping they spit some sweetest shit to you to fucking make you feel better but they swallowed all their darkest secrets on an account to see how you figure th deepest facade they're wearing when you wont even put an effort; not a fucking sweat, not a single concern. Don't tell me I've changed, don't tell me you hate it, don't ask me where's th old me because you weren't even there when I needed you. You were somewhere else caring about smth else that is so near to your sight, you've forgotten I was always there when you needed me. You assumed my life is so smooth, so great, so romantic &just so simple &easy right? You wouldn't know if somebody died, if evth is falling so out of place, if I am being nice because I want others to do so, &if reading posts from my blog alone is not enough. I dont think you should try to care because its beyond what you can do anyway. Bless your stressful life. Loved you.

honey, i've been waiting my whole life, i dont wanna do it anymore. ▲▲

Wow my cheeks hurt from a full day of continuous talking, bitching &laughing. And th best part is getting to eat at anytime we want! After 6, I got Helmi to fetch me from school &we went over to town &catch Ugly truth. I wanted IB but I chickened out in th end. I missed nights out; missed th cool wind, th overcrowded places, they made me feel like I'm apart of smth you know. Nevertheless, it was a very confusing moment; I have so many things branching out in my mind, so many people I care about, so many I hate to disappoint, so many dreams &there's so many things I want. I don't know where to start, &I can't let any go so it keeps on stacking up &getting way overloaded. I am blacking out soon. Helmi refused to smoke th whole time we were tgth just now! It was so irritating, I have to practically beg him to! I needed t smell them atleast, idk, it makes me feel, safe?

but we state our vows in blood ▲▲

Nights like these should be festive. Loud &meaningful. Just like New Years, we should embrace th atmosphere, laugh wholeheartedly &not be dubious to show love. On th other hand, there is a short list of approved reasons to leave your feelings to melancholy; which, (besides death), includes having to wear an outfit you hate, having very little kuehs to feed those very hasty, hungry for first-hand-judgments house guests, having very bad skin condition due to scrubbing th clogged up tiles with your raw hands &anticipating th duit-rayes to not fall from effect of recession.

Anw, all of these aren't excuses that are making me a little grouchy &quiet despite th fact that I felt like a modern-day cinderella on some occasions. You know, when you don't have a sister, you tend to prefer spending time w yourself in th close sanctuary of your room then having boyish, bickering moments with th boys. While I'm reminiscing, th guys are tuning in to th Arsenal's match now; cheering &hissing, but I can't exactly tell what they feel. Not Arsenal's performance, i mean (they're winning &they'll win, i know). Anw, they are always noisy; talking or singing at th top of their lungs at home, which always makes me wonder whether they have pensive moments with themselves. I am suppose to be one of those ppl to see them most vulnerable but now, really, what are they feeling? I know what my mum has at th back of her mind; 4 teenage kids, 1 uptight husband (hahaha sorry abah), what do you expect? Besides, sh speaks to me most of th time; sh's like an open book to me, sensitive but expected. My brothers are just plain annoying, only SOMEtimes, brotherly.

I am looking forward to alot of things, partitioning &recording them all in my calender while leaving myself little time as possible to sit &dream of how perfect it would be, so as to not jinx th possibilities of it not to turn out successful. I am very fearful. You should have known by now. Ytd, I've met another quarter of th team, then proceeded to th meeting &realized how much work I'm delivering to myself. I cant imagine th load I'm stuck with! But at this point, its all or nothing. Soon anyway, I hope Fiona is seeing where I'm coming from. Why I'm full of adrenaline &excitement; not why I'm so outspokenly bitchy &mean! Hahaha right now, sh should also understand my state of helplessness cause I think, I think, sh had found her eye candy too! Its been quite a hassle meeting new ppl, but I hope evth will go well!

Anw, I'm musing over th ones who used to be around me 24/7. I sit on my armchair &stare at th pictures on my wall &wonder what they're doing. Mugging like lifeless zombies; busybusy like bees while I'm always desperately praying they get promoted &dammit get done w these situations, recurring like an epidemic of some sort. I wish whoever is in-charge give them mercy, I love them, you know. Hoping I crossed their minds too, i just want them to know that I'm trying to soar; like eagles with beautiful wide wings, gracefully sliding over icy mountain tops; I am in th second last stage in trying to soar. That is it. I am th same as I am, four yrs ago. Just a teeny bit different. I guess. But I'll leave you w a convincing stand. So yeap, just a little.

im not th same girl frm your memory ▲▲

Both my hands are numb from th injections; but they ought to be itching too cause I lost my money again, somewhere. I need to find other alternatives to be rich if this is gg to occur on a natural basis! Anw, I can't stop talking today, there's smth about my jaw which should be injected too i guess; but I had fun until someone asked me about my life, I knew sh didn't want to really listen to anth in depth; its just a polite way of conversing; if my life is in th dump, they'd expect me to say, "it's okay", but if life's great, they'd expect to hear, "its alright". We're all sprawled on th floor, staring at each other's faces; I imagined them all in black &white. It's interesting. It was like a scene in Factory Girl, or Ciao Manhattan. Then th girl who asked me this, turned away frm my face &stared at th ceiling. I suppose that hit a nerve as I can't decide what to say when I suddenly heard a voice saying, "sometimes I feel trapped within imaginary four walls. i haven't done anth crazy yet". That was my voice. Creepy. "what kind of crazy are you looking for?" "smth thrilling, illegal or smth. no, kidding" "hmm do you smoke?" "not really." "that means no right?" "yeah" "well, dont. You'll pass th phase."
Crap. I didn't ask her for advice. If I'd needed it, I'd long turn to a counselor wouldn't I?

Labels: contradictions

stand by me. ▲▲

I know I'm only seventeen &being confused has been all that I'm feeling half my life, but despite th constant dilemma, I like how I spend most of my time figuring things out, shaping &reshaping my influences in my subconscious; asking questions &answering them myself, or asking questions &get pissed at everybody who can't answer mine. Being confused should be harmless, &at some point, it makes me feel like a dog; sniffing other dogs &things around; but at others, I usually have hard time swallowing natural conventional facts that might be ugly &then get over them a few days later.

I wish I'm talented at something; anything at all, I get instantaneously jealous at supertalented people who can score a career with their great deal of talents; like idk some footballer who have some insane football skills to show off in every game who btw, can seal some pretty crazy $$$$$ per week, maybe more than I will ever earn per year. Or, if we put aside her drunk life, I could handle Amy Winehouse's gifted package better than sh could; born with a wicked voice &a unique sentiment that captivates me most of my audio time, who gets to kill two birds w one stone when sh entertains.

Now, I love my mother. We all love our mothers dont we? Dad too, okay, somehow. But let's be honest here. You &I both know they destroyed any chances of me (us) having a majestic life. They could've sent me to piano lessons when I was 5; or send me to stage school to develop myself as some great dancer perhaps, or or enroll me in drawing classes so I won't be so amateur in drawing; not squeeze me into any school that would be unlucky enough to accept me, resulting me to work like assholes from th bottom to th top &having similar but puny possibilities of reaching success, like everybody else, who I should include, are so much more hardworking &intellectual than I am. With a person as normal as me; who can't get any shot of fame & big $$$$$ in any circumstances, who resorts being a self-proclaimed critic, whom everybody shuts whenever I start to speak. I'm derangely mediocre; I am plainly good at evth but not ultimately brilliant in any. But I wont recur to self pity no i wont i wont i wont.


Anw, it's safe to say I'm pretty happy. I love A's company no less than when we first met. He is my warmth in this cool. He is so good to me, so wonderful and caring and loving, &a good listener no doubt. Despite instinctively opposing to fundamental examples of a real classic relationship, I get so anxious sometimes I can't breathe when I get reminded tt he's not around me. I feel so attached to him although we dont want to be conventionally hooked to th extent of being tied down. I know its tough; sometimes I wish he would hook up w someone else over at uk, so I have a reason to despise &ignore him but even being a distant is kind of fun, haha. For th time being at least.

I think me meeting him is one of th best thing that had happened in my life. I know most of my friends are worried tt I'll grow too attached &then narrow myself down to spend few yrs to get over him if I were ever to be disappointed but truth is; I dont seek a relationship out of him. Him being present has already awarded me w th only happiness that I could ever feel; which is hope, which is th only happiness I could afford.

Anw, I have a few reasons to smile about lately, which I find weird. Considering myself so rotten &easily irritated; I feel like slapping myself everytime I smile. I tend to smirk when I listen to Demi's catch me (introduced by syaf), or Like a star, or Stand by me, or when I start sketching, or when I wind down th car window &feel th wind forcing open my mouth to reveal my not-so-pretty set of teeth, or when I sleep. Okay I should stop it; but one more thing, I want to share stand by me &I hope you'd freakishly smile when you listen to it. Enjoy.

we're gonna make it, i swear ▲▲

I have been writing &writing &writing &writing non stop.
They're all in drafts.
Some are on my other, a bit more private page.
I'll share soon, i guess.

somebody's nobody. ▲▲

I know everyone (some more like it) is/are concern about what just happened &I'm terribly sorry I didn't tell any of you, only a few, &even tt, it was like a touch &go topic.
But th only reason is you guys are ALWAYS so busy, &cause I know things'll end up this way.
I just know. What's it worth talking over then?
I'll give myself a few days.
I think evth will be ok by then; I am already so used t starting over what right?
I'll be brand new in no time.

i need a little good luck t get me by. ▲▲

I didn't even know why I showed up on Saturday for his farewell party.
I shouldn't even have stayed &watched.
Frannnnn, Helmi, Cas, Shaheidaaa, Mich seeeeeeee!
Whywhywhywhywhywhy!!!
Half th time I want t walk off, th other half; I can't move.
He makes evth go wild; especially th thorns in my head.
I thought it would be easier; just talk, say goodbye &leave.
Was tt wishful thinking?
Now its th only song that brings me t sleep.
But I dont want t sleep.



Now, we'll see each other in 4 yrs time? Maybe not even.
All th best & dont remember me.
You'll be th other. &I'll be your another.
You'll be th other.
You'll be th other.
You'll be th other.
You'll be th other.
You'll be th other.
You'll be th other.
Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhwywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy!!!!!!

Sorry I couldnt send you off just now.
I shouldnt have anw.
You'd receive just enough attention you need there.

sigh. ▲▲

I demand more privacy.
So I'll be turning to another alternative, soon.
Its suffocating in here.

cry baby- janis joplin ▲▲

P.s. I meant it th other way baby. If you need me, I wont be around no.

rain on them. ▲▲

I was in th train, all plugged in, wallowing on my temporary state when I received a shocking text.
I dialed her up straight away &started to balance teardrops on my eyelids as she came up with such a strong front.
Everything I said suddenly had no place t wherever she stands.
I made big fusses over some unnecessary, silly stuffs; where there are some others, like you, Cas who make little deal over a whole world to cry over.
Canceled my plans &u-turned t go over t Redhill.
I saw tracks of tears on her cheek, but I also saw smth else.
I saw a hero.

&Then I got reminded about Zul.
You know, he's stronger than steel.
These are th angels who kept me in a cycle; who pushes me t go forward, who inspires.
Forget that they make me feel like tripe; like a horse or smth because I don't go through waging wars everyday, like they do, but moreover, I knew life offered me a whole package.
They are included.