I think all of us are burning th midnight oil & pulling our hair straight from our scalp.
Seriously, what a baloney! Th situation is hopeless, helpless &shitless. Its like bad politics all over.
But you know whats the one thing that makes me smile even at this period of distress &struggle?



That!
It was a total last minute (thanks to me-.-)
&we struggled, quarreled, perspired, trained, hated each other for a while (more like hated me) &then love each other back afterwards but the main point was that we made it!
Not just made it, made it, but we made it as champions!
It could happen again right?

analyse. ▲▲

I just realized th least I need is less depressing songs in my blog.
Not that I'm always depressed, no.
Writing to me is like magic, it leaks out of my fingertips like water.
Holy water.
Wanting my blog to be abit mellow, is different.
Not that I always want to be different, no.
We're all th same, I know.

full circle ▲▲

fairytales dont exist. ▲▲

sh's only happy when its gray ▲▲

My gradual awakening is seeing myself becoming what I don't want to be rather than what I want; to see what is happening to me, what I'm losing &what may lie ahead.
This is harder to witness because I know exactly where everything went wrong, my difficult influences, my barriers, my company &my decisions. All my other pain is blameless; while this psychic pain of mine is laced with guilt of knowing I didn't do anything to stop it, that I couldn't have comforts in my mind, what more in my heart.

There is nothing stronger than me wanting not to be with you than wanting to be with anybody at all. I know resentment is strong; but me resenting, is more than powerful; it makes me powerless. I'm to blame because I seek to let you in &now, I desperately want you out.
But there you are; accusing me of having standards, of wanting somebody better, of me being all that &belittling everyone else.

How can I possibly have th liberty of feeling belonged when everyone who have set their eyes on me, expect a little something when I didn't even want to offer them anything; not a piece of my story, not even a piece of my heart. Just a few months back; I didn't want to stop talking, I want to share everything I have with anybody I can. But I have stopped searching. I've stopped seeing colours. Could it be that I've stopped having faith too?

Its monotonous; the conversations &th actions we divert each day. Money, clubbing, clothes, the IT clique, insignificant famous people, condos, brands, new hottest trends &what not? Was I unreliable when I said faces were showing insights? Or are they shedding off? Or could they be just stone cold empty?

smooth but rough. ▲▲

Monday

Th ONLY thing I remembered about Monday was that I had complications with autocad or more like; troubles w my precision &it triggered abit of Elias' patience but he let me down gently though,
"You SHOULD do everything over again".
"Are you kidding me? That would take hours! Hmm what if I dont want to?"
"Hahaha (he shakes his head exactly like a grandad humoured by his grandchild). Eh but why is everything so unprecised?"
"Only freaks would zoooooom in all the way to micromillimetres &draw the lines! Haha ok nolah; only guys do that. &I won't cause I am gonna meet my friend at mushroom asap! Please help me!"
We only agreed on certain degrees of aid &then I told th tutor I'm done; w/o telling her I refuse to finish it ofcourse. &Sh didnt even bother to check because sh thought I was one of the better students since 1) I'm sitting upfront(&beside Elias &Sing Hian), 2) Cause I asked enough questions for her to doubt otherwise (:

Tuesday

Tuesday is the best day to skip lectures &come school later than 1. It wasn't on purpose at first, but I went out of my house abit later than usual &so when I reached th train station, I forgot my wallet like pundek so rushed back &back again &woah 4 minutes till train arriving-.- So rather than entering th lt, paiseh &embarrased; I dialled Fran &asked whether sh even went to school.
F "Omg don't tell me!"
N "Tell you what!"
"Nolah nothing nothing; I like it"
"Like what!"
"That you're becoming more like me, sistah!"
"Basket. I havent even explained why I ask."
"Hahaha sorry to upset you darling, but I dont plan to go to school today."
"Can you pretty please accompany me for 2 hours @McCaf?"
"&Then what would I be doing after that?"
"TRY to go to school?"
I did productive studying for an hour; better than stoning in lecture lah! Fran w her macbk ofc.
Ended school late like *********************(this v, v, long vulgar in indian Ivan love to say which ofc I shouldnt state it here to not rouse any ethnic issues-.- hahaha).
Anyway, I'm gonna do this every Tues (not th vulgars I mean; we do tt everyday).

Wednesday

Our course had a change of name &modules starting from next year, which is focusing more on marketing tgth w hospitality &tourism!!! Riot-plan-scare didn't work on th course manager tho.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Wanted to meet AndrewTham for maths but he wasn't free so I was in time to meet my brother at Jp to get more Famous Amos &yoghurt.

Thursday

Which is today. Facom quiz left all of us clueless. Anw, try saying Facom emphasising on th FAC; pretty cool for a module name no? Haha. Oh Rebus project after that; we have all been procrastinating on calling the(or A more like) banker; none of us could proffessionally pretend we had millions to spend while sounding like an adult. Will try tmr. Should be a huge joke. I think viewing condos over th weekends (???) altho other groups had been alr visiting showrooms-.-

you can't fight fire w fire. ▲▲

I think I need to try harder.
Somewhere, somehow, something is going wrong.
Maybe you need to tell me you're trying too.
Wanting is not enough is it?

Real estate has been a pain in th arse/neck/toe/eye/ears/nosehole/head/heart/chest &whatever in between. I'll put th project aside since all of my parts(as written above would tinge &hurt hahaha ok -.-) but what we (girls esp) cannot bear to sit still any longer is how Raymond kept talking about property; real, pretty, luxurious property in both tuts &lects companied w irrisistible (much photoshophed pictures which definitely is a charming marketing strategy) to let us (again girls) drool over worse than catching a glimpse of a new hermes bag or setting a sight on MK's wardrobe! St Regis lah, good class bangalows at Bt Timah lah, Dunearn Rd lah &what not, Sentosa cove (aka Miami in Singapore)(30-50m ok; lu jgn main-main hor!). The more properties we see, the more desperate we get! We have all some very unproductive, vague plans on getting atleast a condo before 25; &HOW you might ask! Hehehehe what else? Hook up on some rich bastards along th way. Th kind where he needs to always be on his heels for business trips &won't be in Spore most of my life! Hahaha unless I really like fell in love w him, that would be painstakingly sickening than not having a condo to live in!

Which brings me to Franscesca that bimbo/bitch/a matchmaking failure! I am so disappointed, Frans. Luckily I blocked him from MSN (not yet deleted), still he thought I was just too busy to be online since he rang me up some good 5 days ago to "catch up", he said (-.-). Met Frans at Whitesands since sh didnt wanna show up for sch &th first words tt came out of her mouth was; I've got good news!! Like a child, I got pretty excited &I became all jumpy &jittery &what not! Skali sh said; I'd like to meet you w my friend. Fuck her &all her social circle! Sh'll take it as an insult when I call them th Richies but I have all th reasons in th world not to! Th last time sh tried to pair me up w (name wont be revealed haha) this mly guy which looks like a chi, I have to always find 101 excuses to not want to webcam w him! I mean its okay if know, ppl wanna get to know you, but that was way too pushy man.
Guy "You know, I dont play hard to get nor do I believe in reasons why ppl do so"
Me (-.-) "Oh well ok; so what would you do if she is?"
Guy *silence much.
Me "Hmm zzz"
Guy "You know why are you making it complicated when we both know we like each other!"
Thats a real epitome of a high end ego, OR, much commonly known as a jerk.
I swear I do not like him &I swear I wasn't even emitting any single wrong signals!!
I totally dismissed him after that; saying this wasn't going anywhere.
That Saturday I asked CJ why he's like tt &I freaking found out that he's driving a freaking lambo lah!
Me "You know if I had known earlier, I could've exploited his money much"
Ummu "Hahahha yeah you should've like endured til your birthday or smth"
Me "Yeah I want th red chanel bag so baaaaaaaad!"
Ummu "Naf, who are you kidding! You wont do that"
10 seconds later.
Ummu "But what I am afraid of is how you easily pity ppl"

Awww but nooooot gonnna happen!
Anw, Frans, you know who I want ^^
Hahahahaha seriously WHO AM I KIDDING!
:(

P.s. Its been 3 Fridays.