It didnt really occurred t me that you were slowly showing signs again.
&How i wish so bad i didnt catch it, because everytime i did, it fades away.
Your signs...they would just disappear &chances of you appearing right in front of me, are slim.
When I vowed not t write another entry again, I chanted, it would be like you never existed.
&It felt like you didnt. But everytime I close my eyes, th memories race t my conscious mind &it brought me fear. &Because of you, I was afraid t even sleep.
Since you nvr existed, I wouldnt call it a memory, it was more like a nightmare.
It used t be comforting but this time, I swear I want you outta my life.
So you must be wondering why I want you back.
Its time.
Its time t really show you who you are t me.
You are absolutely nothing.
&I remembered how you told me it hurts when I looked at you as if we're strangers all over.
I'll do tt again. For your sake. I'll show you how much it hurts.
It wont even compare t th degree I was put in.
I've been wanting you in my subconcsious &there you are, finally.
Stay or go further back. Cause I dont need you anymore.
Thanks for making me a fighter but its time I have a life, w/o you in it.
As far as I'm concern, you're just another picture t burn.

Labels: I have my pride and she got you

▲▲

Supergirl ▲▲

i.

"i am going t make every person
around me as happy as i can,"
I bravely said it out loud t you,
staring intensely at an old woman,
picking out cans from th rubbish.
I expected you t say smth.
But you didnt, you leaned forward
&squinted your eyes t mine.
"What?" I laughed.
"I was only kidding!"
you either thought I was serious
or that I was drunk.
but I never drink.

"you should get a job," you offered,
and i scribbled a heart on a useless brochure
and say that making people
happy will be my new job.

"hey, I'm serious!
you should get a paying job,"
you clarify, and i folded th paper into planes.
atleast I wanted it t look like it have wings.
it didnt turn out like its suppose t so i just
dump it on th road &watch it get crushed.

you don't need money if you're
dead.

ii.

you said abt gg t medical sch t be a doctor
because I couldnt.
then, you joked tt actually you just
wanted t keep me alive
because you thought I would've welcome
poison in my blood if I failed anymore,
down th road.

i joked abt doing some nice deeds,
so ppl will write kind things
abt me on my obituary page.

we laughed at our own,
but neither of us think th other
is particular funny.
its only funny why today we couldnt.
have you been reading my blog,
Tiq?

iii.

we were having ice-cream while watching
gilmore girls' dvds when you asked on a lighter note,
"did you really mean it, abt making ppl happy?"
i said ofcourse not, like i have nth better t do.

i thank u for not questioning me anymore
so that i dont have t tell you th ppl i wanna make
happy are th ones i dont care abt.

so tt way i wont feel as bad when i fail.

second, i wanted t give myself a way of mercy.
i can nvr seem t get thru myself.

Labels: We're all in tears for a world thats broken

Th world will turn ▲▲

Its just, times like this, when th waters are still, faces are old, hearts are empty, you'd long for an opportunity, you'd want t take risks &enjoy them.
Its funny, its weird but it happens.
I have a temptation t give my all, give &take, come face t face w danger, stalk my fears, try t be anything but me.
Dont laugh, dont question, dont look at me as if I've been possessed by a dark force, dont try t talk sense cause sense is th last thing I wanna hear.
Sense have been all that, all my life. I needa break.
Yeah its a rough phase, some would say, but omg this phase is actually what Im looking forward to, what I needed.
I still have th plunge on th forefront of my mind, my heart's still true tho it might not be pure as before. I still know whats right, whats wrong.
How can you doubt me?
I just needed a leap, alright. Wont be extreme.
I too, need you t have faith.
In me, in my senses &in th damn future.
I will be fine.

Labels: if you're ready or not

In sanity, still, dont worry. ▲▲

I need a smoke.
Or whiskey? Beer? Vodka.
Some sedation perhaps.
Drugs could work, too.
Just dont give me anymore red bull.
Anybodeh?

Labels: Compassion screams louder than desperation.

Everybody please. ▲▲

You know what?
Actually time doesnt mean a thing if you're nvr really attached t someone at all (&a few strings doesnt count ok; sometimes a 4 yrs friend dont even act like one)
Ppl confuse durations w th real lowdown of relationships.
Its th chemistry, its th scintillating presence of how both of you glide through that rocky mountain knowing its th climb that matters.
Its those invaluable conversations you share, its th unexplainable strong tie of fondness tt brings these ppl you love so close t you; like honey t bee.
Its not how much arguments you fell into; but how much lows you wade through, tgth.
Its how you alw come back because you cant get his/her image out of ur mind before you sleep.
THAT is REAL.

&You know what's not?
Mouthing things so easily like a pretentious habit, just out of some hidden intentions you have, just for th sake of it.
Sometimes I thank you for doing so; for just merely acting, so that we wouldnt drift apart, so that we could work things out whenever circumstances are more in th grip.
But I couldnt take it when so many ppl prefer this instant act than being really concern.
Why must it be so crystal clear its superficial?
Why must relationship or f/s be so vulnerable?
Why cant we hold on, for a second or two (??) who knows we might actually make it.
Its not how shallow or tough a r/s is, its how sincere.
I would nvr say 'i miss you' if I dont, Im not that kind. I put into a lot of thought, maybe years before I actually find it true 'i love you'.
Please be sincere.

Labels: I cant love you.

STILL. ▲▲

Note; I 've change my number. So if you still wanna keep in contact, do ask.
Cause 1)I've lost so manyyyyyy of your nos except for my bfs which I can rem.
2) I dont wanna mass send t ppl who're not interested aka sombong.
Thanks (:

Anw, lately life(My) have been painted in black &white. I told Tina its not an understatement; its more like an inference sentence where you explicitly need 2 different point of views; which, either one, I ended, is (hands down) bloody hell right.

1) Black &white is beautiful. Its like way back t th 60s w Audrey Hepburn, Edie Sedgwick &Janis Joplin; where women were real icons, where people were REAL &men (???) (just darn norm). B&W is a pioneer effect w an enhance base way before any other colour. They are pure, significant & strong. When things are said/ are painted B&W, ppl derive it t be very simple; but through simplicity, it demanded more appreciation. It always tell a story behind it not everybody could understand. They need a different eye t celebrate this display of less variations. Most take it as a sultry work of art; very moodily preoccupied whereas some find it transforming t a prospect; a different way of seeing things; like a culture.

Oh well, back t life being B&W, t me, I'm starting t have my senses growing a momentum of adverting away from my fear; th so called painting defines strength, &w it, I could ever taste my bravado again, while I have th satisfaction of putting up a pretence that my life is gonna end up just fine. Its like a very tiny part of my life is on display while th rest, is behind th wall, somehow. You know, similar t chalk zone, where there's a whole other life behind those concretes?? Anw, all I need is a brush, you know, &some colours; whereas, I'm th white paint (water, eraser, whatever). I can choose t hide away any flaws in th lines, my choice. Whaat's th hands? You would ask. I dunno, &I dont care. I just want th fucking picture t end up beautiful.

2)Again, back t th second point of view, it's th less variety thingy, you know? Lacking of diversity &all.. Too monotonous/ mundane, whatever.

Wouldnt I want my life, painted more colours?
1) Definitely yes, in a way anw. I'm desperately in need of more expression. I'm down t only two now; anger &hunger(not of food).
2) No, cause that way, things are never too far away from th fathomable, th pavement of expectations. I dont want having th disorder of being confused &questionable all th time. It makes me insecure, irritable &cranky. Nobody wants that. Nobody likes me being like that. They would be on a queue t run (more like sprint), like they alw use to, whenever I'm that. But they aren't suppose to. I dont want them to.

Labels: Come sit stay.

"I AM STILL BREATHING. ▲▲

........
Isn't that a very appalling fact?"
I asked almost everyone online two days ago &all of them got pissed.
"What th fuck is your problem?"
"I got no problem that's why!"

From time t time, it seems my dilemma was ever a mysterious force; contrary t my heartbeat which is alw calm.
Anyway, unlike my confetti-happy brothers, my very extraordinary best-friends who are inclined t normal daily dealings, I vowed at an early age that my pain should remain as my own; that then I started hardening t a piece of rock/steel.
But it was a few days ago when I started learning that I'm only a poor subjugated girl, enslaved by her own misery, her own promises.
Me being difficult, I thought had always flowered me w th advantage of finding truth &depth in everything; only t find I am drowning in a melancholy of deep waters.
&Honestly, I do not know how t START OVER.
It pains me that I do actually need help.
I need help from strangers that would give me th liberty in finding back my base; th littlest &simplest things that would push me &make my heart beat faster.
Does it ring a bell why I'm too afraid to start th semester in a foreign land?

Situations like this, just make me grow emptier tho I struggle as much t think of three positive things no matter how dire it is. But sometimes I just cant &it becomes twice as hard when ppl expect me t be dignified all th time. &So, tt's how pretence ends up being very normal. Nth much right now can shock me. Nobody can love me. &I can never be enough..for anybody. Nobody.

Labels: Gives hell.

I need extraordinary. Thats it. ▲▲

It's so hard t have strings attached t every single part of me.
I felt like a lifeless puppet; in sync w th heavy chanting in my brain.
Reconstituting is bullshit.
It never worked. All that has changed is me being desperate of attaining th best.
&When I dont get it, they will create a hole in my chest; rubbing in my face how pathetic, incompetent I am.
Even my bravado is slipping away (which is gonna leave me w nth t start off w).
But dont get me wrong; I have no intentions in pushing you away.
Infact I want t draw you closer, bt th current is lolling me from change.
They insisted me on saying no. Yes is impossible now.
It takes more time.
More time, more time.
Much, much, much more.
Infact, I like time.

Ohmygod.

Labels: Th ones who's alw strong for others are th ones who are more fragile

▲▲

I don't think we can force anybody t stop caring/loving, whatever.
It comes down t a conclusion how impossible it is.
Maybe for a little while, I seemed t not give a damn, but it's inevitable how I couldn't stop.
&I realized I couldn't force you to, too.
Because after all these years; despite how many times I let you down, you're still persistently coming back, tgth w a trail of hope.
You still had that smile, still had that similar light in your eyes.
You just couldn't change.
&Secretly, even though how painstakingly difficult I am, I don't want you to.

Once you love a person, its unalterable, it'll only reshape into another form.
&This time, I wish you were here.
But all so differently.

Imagine ▲▲

This cover of Beatles is th greatest!!
Pls mind th nothingness in th video..

Fated. ▲▲

I was watching 90210 ytd because I tried t prevent myself away from th computer.
Right before I decided t scroll t other channels, I came across;
"There's another way t see things"
"&That is by your intuitions"

I wonder how intuitions play a role.
How do you know whether t trust it or desert th consciousness?
Is there such thing as a strong &weak intuition?
I searched under th dictionary &this is what I found, "direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.

I think intuition is an immediate feeling that looms above you that turn into both curiosity &doubt.
Sometimes they save you, sometimes they get you into trouble.
Whenever I have an intuition or just merely a feeling, I have this nasty dilemma because I was told every now &then that there is such thing as thinking too much kills &plainly premonition, itself.
I will only forsake things if it doesnt mean much t me, other than that, I will try t decipher it in any possible way I can.
But I dont think, "Thinking too much kills."
Its more t whether or not thinking too much is necessary or vice versa.
Anw, then there's this other thing called fate.

Fate is harder t decipher.
Is it a human condition, as natural as hunger, t leave things in th hands of fate; in a sense that things will only happen if it's meant t happen?
This illustration can burst me into tears cause some tried t even tell me fate is in my hands.
How can fate be in my hands when evth is alr planned out for me?
I know sometimes in th recesses of our sweet heart &hard head we believed that we're inclined t stop taking a seat back / watch how fate is transforming our lives BUT just be aggressive &more active. Cause, they said, whatever things you insist on doing; its still in th name of fate.
Its like your whole life is fated.
So what could possible go wrong??????
Oh my goodness!
I need a peace of mind!!!
Guys? Some help here!!

EDITED
Actually, (hahahahaha) I think we(or I) confused ourselves(myself) claiming certain things are fate.
We ( I) have t start seeing th bigger picture.
When smth bad happened &when we pointed out that its fated t be that way, its definitely gonna be depressing. But ofcourse it's still fate, only, if you choose t take a different turn t be a better person or still choose t maintain things th way they are, then that is how fate is in our hands.
&Until evth happens, then we could label it as fate.
If we foresee things as a primetime headline of fate, then i think we're only fooling ourselves.
Cause guys, we have t make th best out of every second we have.
&We do, still have a grip on our chances.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
&I had a total blast today!!!
Omg I couldn't laughed like that in ages!
I didnt think I could find bestfriends like this in million years!
How am I suppose t start from scratch in a foreign place?!

Anw was watching He's just not that into you.
Man, it was more depressing than entertaining!
There's this guy sitting on my right who laughed at all th wrong moments!!
Worse, most of th audiences had similar psycho views like him!
Once, Ben Affleck in th movie, was talking abt how marriage is bad because, "Why is there a need for some costly show(wedding) t certify our friendship?" (or smth like tt)
&This guy eating cheese dipped nachos (which stink along w his some budget perfume cum cigarette smell), was like, "True".
I turned t him, my jaw dropped, almost mouthing "pundek betol".
Then turned t Amalina &we were like, "Siak ah, how can that be true?"
I think he heard cause during th rest of th show, he was mimicking every single move I did(like crossing my legs or leaning forward or adjusting my hair!!!)
&Theee show's conclusion was how only a bunch of exceptional girls will end up w a great guy!
&21st century fact: Guys are real jerks!
Haha, how not depressing!

Labels: They tried t love me but I was like steel

SIGNS. ▲▲

This is awesome!!
Do catch it.
It only takes a few minutes of your life.

Labels: More than words. More than love. More than a girl.

Breathe ▲▲

Did you heard Amy Mcdonald? Especially Run?
Sh's AH-MA-ZIIIIIIIIIIING!!
Sh's under folk-rock &its pretty cool cause I kinda realized I have alot of country music in my itunes; so can't deny I'm a huge fan!
Even Snoop Dog turned country recently; which is what my bro told me.
He's a great guy(I mean Snoop, lol, yeah he's a friend) but I dont think he can earn his revenues here; it's like two extreme ends; rap to country! Massive!!
I mean come on, there's a reality in ontological cruelty &its always seeming how we suck at th things we love most, crossing our fingers, sowing th seeds of ultra-belief t help you overshadow this flaw of yours.
Well, I've passed mine.
But know; risking things only mean you could either flaunt it, or break it &sometimes you need a tight slap t only find out our incompetency.

The little voices in my head have been sounding very skeptical these days which explains why I remained quiet most of th time.
If I keep this up, I think I'm entirely qualified t be an elf (or elves since I'm bigger than them &they can actually cut me up into their desirable sizes &produce atleast two or 3 of them?).
I dont know about you but since I was 5, they built this picture at th back of my head how they are little evil creatures, very quizzical &irritable. Know?
They're always quiet because they didnt believe what Santa believed; &Santa's a good guy which is why they didnt want t upset him w their point of views.
It's like, if they ever speak up, they might just get too overrated &blow up t pieces; being aware of their temperamental issues.
I think we share a common ground; I think we believed too much before (maybe during th early stages of our lives).
Perhaps I'll be Puck frm Midsummer's for a change!
There's always a reason why Shakespeare created him anw.
Altho dubious &playful; did you remember how at th end of th play, he seemed abit more dignified, reflective &less cynical? &Even though he was very mischievious, we didnt define him as being obnoxious because we kinda liked him for bringing some humour &enlightenment into th scene.

Anw, suddenly discussing abt Puck made me missed lit &Ms Phua &Ewee's ridiculous theory of why Shakespeare is bald(!!!) &my signature drawings of hedious characters &chasing Dori all ard th library, smacking each other's asses &how we sneaked our winter melon in th room &how we pretend t not catch th nude scene on th screen(hahahha, memorable!!) &how we all scored really well for lit in th end! Man, it is stinging right now.
Everybody's saying they're missing Jurong, esp th ones who started off w jc, bt fact is, we're gonna get over it; we're gonna slowly think that life up ahead is gonna be just fine &then we're gonna stop chasing those memories &our friends &tadaaaaaaaaaaaa we're history!
I dont want it that way. Pls dont forget t remember all of th little things that balled up into who you are today. And me, thank you (:
Dammit, I miss you guys!!!

Labels: A new way t be human