What a long post.
You can choose not t read it anw.

Ytd night I contemplated w myself that I should wrap in early; furthermore Friends ended &I got entirely sick watching t&l after back-t-back Nigella feast &take home chef. They only left me w that waverly story (which I cannot ever laugh to) &Hannah Montana after. Before that, I stuffed myself w everything edible including two packets of maggie, milo in milk, cheese ommelette, leftover kfc, milk again w choco fudge, a mug of hot tea &lastly donuts. Its like a mental note t put in effort.

1.
But when I got into my room, I suddenly froze &stone for 5 whole minutes before I decided t do some re-organizing &spring clean since my parents insisted they needed concrete evidence of my eagerness t revamp my room before we do that.

2.
Although that wasnt th complete reason why; I was happy enough that I had a reason t rely on, no need straddling empty cause it will only leave me t more stoning.

3.
I first went over t my white cupboard full of stupid enriching assessment bks &textbooks from past O's &dump them beside my door then reminded myself I should ask my dad for boxes th next day.

4.
Still not tired out, I started re-packing my shopping stuffs I habitually throw next t my bed that stacked up like some worthless craps, even though its completely untouched; into two big bags.

5.
My mum didnt let me join them w th rest in th wardrobe cause sh labeled it under poly-clothes &sh knows I have th tendency of wearing them then ask for more.

6.
Still no challenge from my eyelids, I left my wardrobe wide open &stare at them. Soon after, I started throwing things out, telling myself I should combine them altgth &donate it somewhere which reminds me how I hadnt start thinking abt my voluntary works.

7.
Lastly, feeling abit more low, I hunched over t th rack which contains evth of my past &I hadnt notice how much I write. (I still even kept this heart-shape box Fara gave me during sec 2 which held all th stuffs sh gave me!!!) I had tons of diaries &when I started reading them one by one, I felt lighter, they cracked me up, esp those in early sec &late pri days until I found that paticuliar diary.

8.
It was all about him. Imagine how bad my english was as it was since gosh, you know. My last entry was about how I promise myself that I will continue th story until he re-appear because darn, that book was thick w entries; I consistently urged myself t write &progress our stages even though I vividly remembered every single one of them.

9.
I then decided t write atleast one entry that night before I turn myself in, so I digged out a pen &began scribbling. But when I stopped, I realised I wasted a whole page on numbers. I cannot think of anth else except our years. Big deal.

10.
Pissed, I wrote in big letters that I am ending th book, about how insignificant he is now, how I ran out of words &how I ran out of feelings. I was so hollowed out that I literally couldn't find th words.

11.
I eat those words like raisins, a word at a time while swallowing back my tears. I carried out in this vein t what seemed like hours.

12.
This time, it wasnt because I love him too much til my heart aches. It was more like I loveD him. Its becoming so surreal because he was a huge part in my life; THEY were a huge part in my life &as I recited th gist of all our memories altgth, I struggled t recollect myself.

13.
Im not directing t him anymore; he can now burn in hell for all I care, I was talking abt all th ones that were there, that had been apart of my story. It hurts that now we are mercifully shifting our focus t what sound like a new life that I alr felt apart of an ancient history. I have a fear of leaving things behind. But I didnt remember how I'd manage t start over so easily.

14.
Oh well, did I?

Labels: Is there another space for another Roman sun?

Electric ▲▲

I'm in bad shape (both physically &mentally); but I'm not playing th love-card here, so you guys are not in for a some tragic movie-of th-week pitch. I'll do my best t describe just what my converse have walked through for th last few days.
This morning, like every other morning for these past few weeks; I dare not take a look of my full view in any of th mirrors in th house (&we do have alot, man)cause I might as well painstakingly replay th sickening soundtrack of their views abt my state of body.
"Ridiculously scary..What you've been locked up in th cell or smth?."
&They kept on asking me what happened, hoping t catch a flow of some bizarre moments that is taking a toll here in my story. I would like t feed them some entertainment for sure but my creativity instantly leaked out from th soles of my feet &manuevered itself into self-conscious (or self-doubts whichever appropriate).
I was practically saying this all th time, "That bad meh?"
They were just, "Honestly Naf what's wrong? Your bones are all...brrr.. showing."
&To have especially consecutively put up with their widening eyes is abit unbearable.

Today I decided t put on an electric blue LTD (little topshop dress) with a black converse.
I walked through th overhead bridge, then across th bustop. &Then I came across my bro's friends; &so while we were chatting, I was aware tt th rest of th bunch were scanning me up &down as if I was a property, a thing; like as if I was a slave, a slave t fashion perhaps. If thats what they were even thinking. Maybe they thought I was too poor t have a proper 3 meals per day routine. Suddenly I felt so filthy &then excused myself.
For once in my life I was uneasy under my own skin. Its like I felt naked; completely exposed &shameful. Th mrt ride was better. Music made me feel better. Thinking abt another kind of pain was so much better. But right out at th streets; those kind of glares begin again.
I was like, "Oh come on, in America this is pretty normal you stupid bozos" Not like I care anw.
They were staring as if I was able t disemble myself at any moment, like I was expected t trip over th floor &just stop breathing/moving whatever, like I'm a skeleton given a life all over again.
I started walking tremendously fast over t Tiq's workplace, soon running. I was panting when I met her.
"Hey you okay or not? Dont collapse!!"
"Oh gosh seeee! I am fine, I feel good. Those monsters out there they were looking at me as if I'm gonna die on th spot! I kinda wish I am aneroxic or bullimic or smth t save me from th exhaustion of figuring out what th hell is wrong w me!"
"Go for a check-up or smth.. Who knows there's a worm in your body or smth! Hahaha, yeah but let's hope not. I mean ofc not! But you really cannot deny that th sound of food dont exite you anymore"
Fact is, me &my parents have been thinking about it too, 'this worm-possibility' thingy but they just finally concluded that I was just really being a couch potato whilst having th mentality that im gonna be fine w/o food .........................................................................................................................................................................
when Im biting my nails thinking there's a bit more depth t where that came from; I just couldnt be bothered. Im gonna surivive tho.

Labels: Driving me wild.

▲▲

I promise a new post tmr !
Today I felt guilty bringing Lynn out..
Sh's so beat, sh slept all th way in th bus ride..
But we had fun, it was like our old best friends day out, only sh have sch tmr &I dont.

Shit. Hungry again. Anybody for prata?
Ahahaha.
Where's Sherwin?
My prata where!!!

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▲▲

I have t mention how I'm starting t love silence which confused me because it was so good but so contradicting(I alw find it distracting), I couldn't trust it t mean anything; this gesture might have just been a passing condition caused by sheer disgust& overtire-ness.
All th conversations &th dear expressions in all their faces are just so revolting to me.
Its easy t be vulnerable, yielding &grateful when you're distant from all these ppl, but once you're not, its bewildering.
This opposite mutuality made me hit some kind of turbulence; they expect me t speak up, I just want t remain quiet.
Things do not reciprocate any longer.
Th things that usually could make me happy, couldn't favour me in return anymore.
Th things that I wanna do, arent th things that I still wanna do.
I just didnt expect th fact that sh died could affect me. We weren't even close.
Sh died so easily.
Sh wasnt even given another chance.
Sh didnt embody any stupid illness.
Sh just collapse &die.

I was in trance all day but I couldnt point out what made me paranoid.
Was it that sh still had two kids my age t take care of, or was it th way he sounded when he called early in th morn?
Was it th fact that sh had a contentful of purpose t still live for, but god didnt see past that?
Was it because sh's a wonderful, very nice woman, so meaningful &happy?
Why didnt somebody else w/o any reason t live die?
People who are nasty &bad deserve t die instead.

It was all too sudden. All these surprises are unwrapping itself so hastily.
Th terror is seemingly overwhelming you start t question every single thing that had happened.
Like why are you even here?
&then you begin t realise its not really who you want t be.
It's who you are suppose t be.

While people are dying, I'm right here watching telly w a bowl of popcorn, infront of th computer downloading songs. Its clear that we are taking things for granted.
Every single day, we didnt notice that we were given another chance t be who we are suppose t be but we let another day pass by &become a worthless little soul.
I dont want t be worthless.
I want t be worthy..

Labels: I wish I could've done a little bit more like saving lives.

▲▲

One of my favourite song :D

Morcheeba- Enjoy th ride

Shut the gates and sunset
After that you can't get out
You can see the bigger picture
Find out what it’s all about
You're open to the skyline
You won't want to go back home
In a garden full of angels
You will never be alone

But oh the road is long
The stones that you are walking on
Have gone

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

If you close the door to your house
Don't let anybody in
It's a room that's full of nothing
All that underneath your skin
Face against the window
You can't watch it fade to grey
And you'll never catch the fickle wind
If you choose to stay

But oh the road is long
The stones that you are walking on
Have gone

With the moonlight to guide you
Feel the joy of being alive
The day that you stop running
Is the day that you arrive

And the night that you got locked in
Was the time to decide
Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

Stop chasing shadows
Just enjoy the ride

Critical Acclaim ▲▲

My neighborhood brings this certain sense that I still love. Like how it closes in &wraps everyone tgth in a bubble, away from other humans, who not only talk alot, fuck pretty much too. I dont like carrying th whole world on my shoulders, but I do that often just because I find it very tempting &necessary I should say. Everytime my mind starts t wander off abit too much, th Earth seem t start shaking &rotating in this crazy axis as if it's trying t escape from a ticking bomb planted right smack in th core. But we're just itching our pretty little asses; having pointless conversations about that pathetic girl being pathetic, that bitch being a flirt, that guy's a gay &that he shouldn't have been(what a waste) or throwing our money away on new restaurants or that gorgeous biker jacket or smothering each other on behalf of valentines day or like an Isrealis, thinking abt which other bunch of ppl t kill. Humans being unaware, careless &carefree make every single one of us almost as vulnerable as an ant; defenseless to th bigger force, yet still we may think that only money makes th world goes round &through it everything is in our hands. What bloody insights.

How can I get back what you cant give out again? ▲▲

Always a dreamer, sh had never been folly enough t believe her dreams.
But how come they always say,everyday before th night ends, tomorrow another door opens &a new hope will flash right at your footstep.
Every new year before th last day uncovers itself, they said, next year will be brand new, equipped w much prosperity &luck, make your best wish.
It kept repeating for 16 times now, not tt I remembered of th first 5, but I'm starting to believe they've always been deceived by what they wanted to come true; not that it did anw.

Maybe in a different lifetime, a different story, in another universe, people were sealed w a more relentless fighting-spirit &belief.
That soon, their story became beautiful, too beautiful.
&These stories were only told as tales because it never happened again.
It couldn't, because it's farietales; &there weren't faries anymore

Labels: How can I look in th mirror and try t love again?

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I saw another bike accident today.
&Immediately my mind raced off directly to who else?
Friggin irritating!!!


My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson

No piece left for love. ▲▲

To win, we fall. When faltered, face it. Through fear, we could rise. Only if we dare figure things out then fix them.
I didn't want everybody in th world t turn into fighters; but I wish you guys were. You couldn't call it fighting if it's not difficult, treacherous &fucking demanding, you see. Underdogs, now its really believable. Sigh. Honestly what else could I say? I've been exhausting myself spitting words of encouragement, lousiness &praises yet nothing seem t work. &On th day itself, I didnt friggin know where t start. Do we deserve this? You bet we did. We failed as instructors t pass down well every single thing we know. We suck at teaching &handling newcomers. We have no skill whatsoever t build you guys into th champions we know of. All I can say is tt th walls that are put up t hold you guys back, will fall down. They might be bigger, but we're faster &never scared. You can walk away saying we dont need this; but there's smth in your eyes says we can beat this. &W these, I'll end it by saying, I still believe. Do you?











Soooo, th day was spent w a bunch of people I love. Not all (:( ) but it worked.
They are people I am akin to, ones that are familiar w th way I view th world &ones that respect my wierd train of thoughts &grown t not question them or give those cynical look that meant t crush you. I'm a host of imperfections &I'm glad they see past all that. My love, or should I say, my heart was never altered from th beginning. Ever since I recommenced picking things up where I left them, I had developed into a more private person( I was naturally one originally anw), but now abit more wild &carefree. Its harder t love me, they knew all that.
16 years is tough, &to love, its not easy as it may seem.
I had found beautiful ppl along th way, bt none really ever did etched any purpose of me still surviving. I know I should still feel lucky that my windpipe, all th way t my lungs could still accept sufficient amount of oxygen, but I couldn't help feeling that I should be th one dead instead. I am th one who eats animals &delicious fatty things such as french fries &steak, who didn't dare t swallow any medication yet willingly expose herself t ridiculous danger, who had alr a chance of 16 years t live, who's maybe a little bit bitter &who's maybe a little existentially irritable than a normal human being is-who just days ago would have welcomed a little poison in her veins.
You're taught t believe in causality. If you act up, you'll get punished; if you're good, you'll get a star. If you eat an apple each day, you'll live t 82. But that only works in pre-sch. If it works now, I'll be th one having surgery or better, dead.
Again, I can't help t wonder whether there are certain criterias t be dead, exceptional of illnesses &th purposeful killings (oh &old-age); is there like a list of pointers before god make up his mind that we are suppose t die?
Anw, I'm hungry.

Labels: Full Circle

You're one &only. ▲▲

This is how my bloody blog url comes in handy;
SUCKITPLEASE ALL TH QUESTIONS, motherfuckers.
That was my last straw, man. Im going solo. What th hell am I?
A game t all of you? Bloody hell! &if I see anth tmr that I hate t see, its not gonna be pleasant for any of us, I swear.
You wanna apologize, you wanna comfort, suck all of it.
Leave me alone.

Labels: No one else.

Insomnia ▲▲

Its 5; no wink of sleep but a whole day out there tmr.
Life's gonna be so great.

A little renewed. ▲▲

I always thought there are many different times t be polite &gentle w people.
&I know I'm practically a girl with repressed anger flowing through her veins
but this acute symptom of being so sugarly nice is patronizing or should I say extremely entertaining.
Nad reminded me of karma a few weeks back; just when I wanted t rebuild myself (roll eyes).
&Soon after, I had tried th tactic of being more condescending, refined, gentle, whatever.
Oooh &honestly, I like Ms Skeptical better. Its as if pampering people's feelings are stacking up all my sins cause I have t shadow what I really feel &tell them lies.
Yes lies esp nearing this stupid valentines. (Oh &do take note I hate guys who go clubbing.)
&Since everyone said I slap ppl very often(not literally) (i dunno how anw), I have t find another alternative route t be honest, less immediate &less painful.
Now &then I do have th tendency of wallowing on my mood swings but for my lover's sake, it tends t disintegrate t patience (&I esp love th feeling tt gives me this clarity).
&Soon enough, being cordial is stimulating me t become a tougher fighter (less temperamental &impulsive).
But I have this wrong idea coming out from people who once knew me.
They get a little flushed out about me going for a different approach; its like whatever I say or do is critically unacceptable just because I was once erratic &hotheaded.
People like this I tell you........................................
ARENT YOUR TRUE FRIENDS.

Labels: Too close for comfort

Now its me against th world ▲▲

These tears are gonna fall over &over again without me knowing who's been hurting me or what (in my case) since everyone's been spectators on th stand; touching nothing of mine; not daring t say anything t me when they knew things better; only they thought I did.
Its been so weird when I tried t come up w a fusion of reasonings that would point me t what made made me furious.
Ppl along th way had scrutinize a way t th back of my head, but no one is succeeding.
&There it is, exposed, wounded, disoriented. Apart of me had simply gone missing. Died.
But its taking way too long for me to reconstitute all over again.

I'm mad cause you're having a life, for moving on w/o even telling me how when who, for saying that you love me when you dont, for always acting like you care when its those absent-minded ppl you're asking ard, for showing up w/o even taking any risk of mending things up, or putting absurd things at rest. You're a total goner, man. No wonder my friends hate you.
&Thats where it is, it hadnt been you all these while. Its me. I hurt myself.

I've been mad because I didnt tell you any single tidbit of me when you've been wanting t know everything. I didnt even say a word of love when you said many. You've been patient, persistent &curiously waiting when all I wanted t do was t test you.
Could it be that I'm th one suppose t patch things up? Ohmy.

Nono. This will never gonna end if I keep on bringing things back up. Everything is too much; &you dont even know. You're too much &you will never even know. This gotta stop. &Similarly like Nurul's situation, "when will be th correct time if not now since circumstances alw come &go?"

In life, love allows us t enter, be enlightened, share &appreciate th revolution of lifestyles tgth w th strength they bring. &Through it all, you encouraged me t be more mature, accomadating, flexible &broad-minded (bt you dont even know). Love is suppose t enhance experience, not distort it. So this is it. When properly reined, this past is gonna be a valuable asset; but its time I let go &search for my future instead. There'll be no more crying again, no more coming back, no more forgiving you, no more thinking tt somehow th sum will be different. I'm gonna dismiss this, &I will only look back if I have to (not want to). Dont come back.

Labels: I gotta know what made me unbeautiful

▲▲

I am pretty well aware that everybody have gone everywhere &felt everything but me.
I know th Earth is spinning round its norm axis &I'm standing rooted like a dead tree w/o reproducing any sickening good news(or news at all) while everybody have some girlfriend boyfriend somewhere, working seeking for money which leads t good life, meeting back old buddies, starting off jc, kissing hugging whatever it is, shouting screaming cheering at th top of their lungs at th beach at th soccer court at th theme park, everywhere feeling something; either getting dumped or being in love or even getting wedgie, being excited or low.
Everything is something &nothing is me!
Woooooh!

Labels: SHOOT ME

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OH YA I SO HAVE T REMIND MYSELF THERE'S GREY'S ANATOMY TONIGHT.

Thinking out loud ▲▲

Its a combination of circumstances that enlightened me today (from 12 midnight onwards).
At times I used t shrink back with certain ppl's approach; even tho I seemed pretty comfortable, I felt cocky &irritable.
&Thats just when I realised that it is this type of ppl that made me insecure &low all th time &they are th ones that dissuade me from emerging underneath my shield; hindering me from taking those risks that could've been prominent t me.
I didnt say this before but my new year's resolution was t be bold &courageous plus being a little bit of edgy (which explains vaguely my haircut), yeah &apart from bertaubat-ing (whatever it is, only Amalina knows, completed w a whole list), but I was suddenly wondering whether that is how I want t potray myself when i'm right in front of whoever.
Is is 1) untouchable(?) I'm looking for or 2)respect (?) or could it be 3) fronting t be dauntless with absolute confidence &outgoing(????)

1)I dont want t make myself look untouchable for sure. I dont want ppl t be scared t befriend me. I want them t see there's more t me than skin &bones & more than th air of presence btween them. I'm nothing near arrogant completely.

2) Ofocurse respect right. Who doesn't want t be respected?

3) Right that day when I see th way he wanted t approach me; directly I felt a tinge of guilt &uncertainty. He clearly thought I was smth else. He thought I was th one he wanted. Appealing, bold &fresh. But I'm not. I'm vulnerable &timid. &I'm nowhere near fresh; my past haunts me everytime &I couldn't honestly say that I ride head first w/o strings attached cause fact is, my past had been th key driving force of my whole world. T be honest, I couldn't have made it w/o it. &That are practically th reasons why I didnt want t come back. I didnt want t let him down. I didnt want t shimmer some hopes then push him down right off th cliff w a crash landing. I didnt want t risk things. &Thats what I am right. Just a stupid bloody coward.

Labels: Couldnt erase th image

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If I allow myself, I could've cursed all th way from th second I left th room :(
Only that I knew things dont come around so easy.
But I could practically feel th whole of his powerful frame of his kinetic energy that leapt right at me, as though th stage were a springboard.
He licked my eyeball so quick I hadn't time t blink.
What if only I did what Amalina told me t do?
If we came back, would it make a difference?

How come I have friends that believe things would alw work out for me when I dont?
Pretty annoying.
&Nurul, come on, I give ppl enough chances.
Haha, but its really cute how you're concern.
Things'll settle out in th end; just not now :D
&Sem, you really got excited for no reason.

Oh butbutbut, ytd's gig was awesome!
Seem did great !!!
I'll post th vid soon too, but for now, enjoy theeeee pics.
Enjoy.
Bye.

Labels: I DIDNT GET EXILED T TEMASEK