I WOULD FIGHT T STAY AWAKE;
when I had homework t do, when I was so eager t be a better person than I was ytd, I wanted t wait for your calls so you'd be th last person that would convince me I needed some sleep, I had about a hundred better things t do than close my eyes &surrender t th unconsciousness, all that when I was around 11 t 15.
I tried t outfox time, th nights &th dreams cause I knew I had better things t feel when I'm alive, healthy, strong &hard on my heels.
But I couldn't sustain my favourite times anymore; reality is annoying th hell out of me.
Now I would curse myself, recides some tough prayers but still couldn't afford t feel my eyelashes resting numbly on my cheeks. I try t get on bed at 2, but I only felt restless at 6.
I was a ferocious fighter; I still am but why is it that one of th littlest thing I wish for, I coudn't achieve?
If only there was someone available in case I'm desperately in need of a companion, like out of fondness or nostalgia, if only that someone is still some numbers away.
This role of hysteria is frustrating; weakening me under simple hopes for light, brisk rests every night, even w/o any dreams or nightmares; I would take it please.
I'm actually begging for a life that celebrates impossible dreams.
Thats it.
YOU HEAR ME?!
No?
Clearly, I dont think so.
Fuck off,

First &last. ▲▲

Th heart was stuttering so fast for a minute I could actually feel it close t bouncing off my chest.
It was like I was sucking all th energy from th sun; fueling me with power I never knew I had.
Something else had took over me; overpowering me into a motionless figure under incomplete sanity. Any more words driven out of his mouth would have given away solid evidence of a ridiculous evolution of monster that I am. That vital minute, I dismissed any idea of our relation.
How dare he thought he have th entitlement on me! He doesnt even deserve any slightest degree of satisfaction!

I could feel th heat escaping from th two openings of my ears &hot breaths being released infuriately through my nose. My fists started t curl into a ball; my whole body numb; vibrating with an astonishingly fast tempo under th soles of my sluggish feet.

Both of our eyes were dangerous. I could feel it because I know how easily guys inflame their ego in direct aid with their emotions, but I was too enraged on being underestimated all th time.
&Bloody hell no (!!!), we girls aren't exceptions of supposed rights do you understand?! It really maybe occured t you that you're a man who was only armed w dicks that you have us, girls trembling for fear is it? Prehistoric times, my man.

I wasn't saying I'm fronting w/o any fear. I was practically scared cause he was physically capable &emotionally deranged. But his expressions; he was completely stunned &speechless; not exactly sure was it from th words I spitted or from th intensity that was parading in my eyes.Th moment I thought we're gonna end up in a frenzy mob or smth, was th moment both of us killed th attacks.

I swear he's not gonna talk t me for a month or smth!
Man, it's gonna sting; so baaaaaaaaaad but I had no conscious sign of guilt.
He was unreasonable, unfair, unjust!!!!!!!
He was belittling me because I'm younger &for some fact tt I'm a girl!!!
Oh, its not my dad btw.

▲▲

Woah, got tagged by Aida!

I actually thought sh had forgotten about me.

Anw, here it goes.

DIRECTION :
lets cut it short.
write 16 random facts,habits,facts about you.
then tagged another 16 random people.
see,easy.

1. Hmmm, honestly, I feel like talking t her all over again.
2. Being normal friends is not a sin, is it?
3. Kyle is not autistic; he's just human made.
4. I forgot t reply Ummu's text &so, havent been hearing from her since.
5. Oh shit, &Luq's. Man, what am I gonna say?
6. I'm craving for Kak Ara's chewy brownies frm eve of cny...Yummm
7. Which reminds me I've gotta bake one of these days than rot &die useless.
8. I'm honestly wondering how's th squad managing?
9. Are they fighting or cowarding out?
10. COME ON GUYS!!! FIGHT!! WOOOOOOOOOOOh
11. I want a night ride again.
12. Quarelled w my parents on manicure!
13. Ewee had been a very good companion til 2am, ytd.
14. I LOVE SPICY FOOOD!
15. Oh ya, everyone realised I'm not really good on junkies cause I prefer normal meals.
16. I'm still not in love, thanks.

so 16 people are :
Ewee
Tiq
Dori
Rahmah
Nad
Adelina
Nurul !
Izzaty
Fays
Hajar !
Fara
Shermaine
Hafiz
Ierfan

▲▲

▲▲

Today I realised I remained silent for purposes that would've given me advantage;

1;
Not t crash everybody else's train of thoughts

2;
I had t be very careful w my words as they might appear t be unessential or less than enough t their pitch of expectations. I'm afraid I couldn't be enough. I've brought people down too much; I'm clearly blurred by how t not do so anymore.

3;
T listen intently t their certain perspectives as it could drive me towards a different direction since I have t start anew; which pretty means I need t start absorbing things that could mould me into smth I didn't fear t become, into someone my inner strength could handle, into everythhing that I wanna be after these 16 years.

4;
I was frantic t find th voice in my head again; th one that was afraid of th waves of silence as they lapped me up, washing away th gravity of my thoughts t desperate needs of delapidation. I couldn't keep up w what I lost anymore; I knew I've misplaced it but could I find them back? Would my mistakes for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime? Would god still wanna lend me a hand or does he wanna punish me &let me pursue my path on my own; giving me less than significant dyi things t begin w? Is getting dumped in th dirt; flat on th face, not enough for a proper infliction?

5;
Over &over again, I only wanted t believe that this thought lowdown is only leading me into a more calm, collective &reserved girl. I have long gotten used t th creep that had lost th trail of th voice of reasoning &th voice that once encouraged love, that I didn't afford t push myself any harder because I'm confident I'll get lost in th end anyway. I didn't know this effortless struggle could pull me deeper in th ruins, t what I ended up t become. Th way I died set aside some left over courage &strength t figure how I wanna offer myself this time.

6;
I had starved myself, pretending t be someone so high up, fearless &fearful but I let myself fall &fail only t figure myself creating an evil sucker who drain love out of ppl because I didn't believe in it & I couldn't find it, feel it. I was so selfish, but thats not what I intent t be, which hurts. Letting my loved ones feel neglected &low makes it stings even harder.

7;
Day by day, life uncovers t show hediously how incompetent I am. Vulnerable &weak. Hadn't you wish before that you wouldn't have t deal w th onotological cruelty of sucking at th things you love most? Its th least dysfunctional a person could feel. But being broken is very compelling t push you t walk this Earth w less conceit; but w humble, &concern.

▲▲

Labels: I'm getting older and I need smth t rely on.

▲▲

1.
I wish I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before; I didn't have t try, th last time. Th growing emptiness is nagging at my mind &making me think of things that would cause me pain. I want t remember th warmth from his hand, th forbidden feeling that once left me breathless, &th explosion of eagerness &nervousness when he's around; when he cracked my favourite smile, when he forced me t talk or laugh, whatsoever. All that I was allowed t remember was how I shuddered at his image, how I felt my eyes filled with hot tears &th ache around th edges of th hole in my chest; being my best friend (or foe anw). Its been far too long now since I've been straddling on empty air, digging my healed skin, over &over again t want t be reliefed on finding that hole again. I wanted th damage t be permanent &irreversible; t remind me that I had once loved & been loved, that I wasn't alone &I shouldn't be. I'd rather be taken on an onslaught; his onslaught, while dealing w th pain of wanting t see him again than having t live w his non-existent &starting t lose consciousness over not finding him at th forefront of my mind anymore. I don't know which one I feared more, t think of it.
2.
He had taken far too much time, that I dont wanna surrender th reluctance of doing repetitions of this, w many different others. I dislike th idea, very much. I thought I like being normal again, but I'm only left gasping th nothingness in front of me; unaware of what I'm missing. Oh well, there comes a point right? When you have t accept ppl change, you change &life have t go on. We'll always love each other, but it was just too hard. Love should be easy. Life is hard enough.
3.
When is school starting?! Th daily routine of going out til late at night is becoming such a lull(!!!!!!!!!!!) ( I thought I wouldn't get tired of it). I need t start doing something new before I grow old again, &apparently telling ppl I'm 17 this year isn't much of a pleasure.
"So, this is your no?"
"Yes."
"Your age, pls"
"16"
"This year?"
(Raise ayebrows, acting pretty confident, fronting him as if he dare doubt me)
"Uh huh"(my voice suddenly dismuffled)
"Well......"
"Fine, 17. urghh"
Cause c'mon, 16 sounds like you're more allowed t be dismissed by any mistakes or immaturity (or stupidity anw) from th grown ups. As in, it's more accepted; like we still can be forgiven &given chances because they have less expectations on us. But nearing 17 is when they start on building some prospects of us ending up in whatever their hopes were, where we have t start t decide &apprehend on our own t what's out there in life for us &how t handle things aggresively mature no matter how we catch life at its best or worst. There's like a new &different type of weight that we have t carry on now, not only about O's but more t Uni, degree, career, money, house, old ones getting older, then t starting a family (but its still eeeeeeeeeeee for now). Blurgh, yucks.
4.
I wanna meet alot of new ppl, t be on a lighter spirit than getting pulled down on an emotional debris. I wanna new chronicle of my days; where each one begins &ends w a dodged or undodged bullet. I wanna laugh real hard again til I get hiccups &start kicking around, til my eyes start t water. Mostly, I wanna love &be love; th feeling's nice isn't it? Well, is it?
5.
Oh &this post gonna hold for quite awhile which explains why I write so much. &Theee blog's getting pointless since I dunno what I'm writing about or who th hell's visiting &reading cause it builts such irony when I said initially I didn't want ppl t even read. Writing online just gives me th satisfaction itself, then. Now, I think I want t write for a bigger purpose, t reach out t anyone, &give them an edge of my perspective &give anybody some voice. But since I dont think anyone's reading (blink blink), it defeats th purpose. I think I should just turn t black &white. But maybe I shouldn't touch it, no.
6.
Peektures before I finally decided t chop my hair.....

Labels: Nothing's gonna stop me anyway.

▲▲

Ewee's making me laugh in th weeeeeeeeeeeee hours of th day!
Padehal, we were just talking about random stuffs, then accidentally touched about him, then sh fed up then sh was like,

HollyMorganMcFreidrich; HIDHERMYA.!;D 'awaliah whats yer name?' wtf. love is just another 4 letter word next to fuck. my Opheliac says:
dia itu jantan sudah pegi punya

But really, sh's one of my bestfr tt can make him look so smaaaalll &kental, mcm kacang (or however they use it).
Now, I wanna go cooook cause I barely ate today, I starved myself like a duck(!!) cause I'm not in good terms w mum.
Anw, did I ever told you I think I was manlier than any of these men at home??
Oh well, found out long time ago, but today confirmed like pundek.
&"pundek" suddenly reminds me of Yh's fav malay words which is kentot &katil, &her fav phrase which sh learnt frm me during my close outburst of trg &her irritating questions was, "Saya mahukan ketenangan!", &so eversince, sh surprisingly use it in correct moments, w less than correct after effect.
Idk Dori's tho. Gotta find out! Haha.

Byyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(so super high)

▲▲

Woooohoooooo!
Evth's so fucking fantastic!

Anw, shopped quite late w Nad at Vivo ytd, then went on t accompany her t meet her friends, &finally, otw, saw Farahin working!!!
Oh ya, I'm not gonna tell her(Nad) I think I'm growing more &more materialistic because eversince we had this fight abt who's more materialistic, we've been so trying t prove each other otherwise by wearing brandless stuffs &investing on cheapo bt gooooooooood, goods.
Honestly, we're not m. Honest. We're just fine buyers.
Okay then met him for awhile, just for a teeeeeny while.
Then sent me off on his new bike.
Chatted w Amalina til veryyyyyyy late.
Getting abit excited for her band's gig. (Oh, anybody else wanna go? 12 bucks, Art house, 1st Feb)
&everyone's begging me t get a new-er phone so maybe today?
Hopefully~

Are you getting big-headed?
You never called t ask me how I even settled in on my choices or how's evth gg on.
You only wanted me t care abt you, hoping you do not need t do th same.
That is so bloody fair.

Labels: I dont care abt clever I dont care about funny

▲▲

Anybody interested in doing?



Anw, started New Moon.
So far, Cullens are migrating, leaving Bella cause of what happened during her birthday.
Could it even be possible for Edward t say tt he wont come back(???) when he actually was thinking of killing himself if eventually Bella was t be killed by James??????????
He doesn't make sense.

Labels: Carpe diem

We will not grow old. ▲▲

I've been thinking of deleting friendster, facebk &this rusty blog cause I cant seem t find any inspiration t share my pics, write, even t talk t temporary attention given by online humans (i do th same, dnt worry).

Anw, life's been great, but intriguingly weird.
I'm faintly stronger; but it's like apart of me had withered, &til now, I'm not sure what, why or when.
Uncomprehending, I know, but I seem t like it all better now.
It's like I'm new; w no shadows overcasting my sky; it's like my music interest has changed, my interest &passion is taking its turn too, this may sound weird bt I even felt that my skin is shedding off; like I'm metamorphasising, t th extremity of shining up, like th Cullens on sunny days-only not.
Oh well, whatever I'm talking about, I'll just wait &see.
I know I'm a girl of contradictions, bt I always write what I feel in th moment.
Th feelings may change soon after; but as it all is, accept me, FLAWS &ALL.

I may come up w another post today, let's see if i see th neccessity of reaching out t you.
I may let it go or I may start taking things in my own hands.
But honestly, there're limits t everything.
&Things do end, impending or peaceful, its not your choice.

I'm scaring myself; I dont usually~
Nevermind.

Labels: Still thinking of ending it (s).

▲▲

Wait, so JC, MI or Poly?

My words are failing me now. ▲▲

I cannot seem t find a burning desire t do things that I wanted anymore.
I cannot sleep. I cannot find my appetite. I cannot listen t songs.
I cannot scold my brothers. I cannot feed on others happiness like I always did.
I cannot read. I cannot make a decision.

1.
Novels demand some concentration &tell me for what? People &problems that are non-existent; imaginary situations which made you fight over fantasy &reality, wondering whether you're suppose t sow th seeds of ultra-belief or forget it &stab your eyes t see where exactly in hell are you here, on th perfectly round Earth (obviously not among th stars or flying beside angels).
2.
Magazines are trivial &garish. Th grinning models, millionaires &over-successful assholes (who once were not) are just asking for it; they make me wanna pull out every las strand of their hair t baldness, bt th ones alr bald, I'll go over t their body hair or their teeths. All that superbeauty &happiness-how dare they! They think they're nobel &kind &have enough money t have th upper hand; but they're just some stupid similar humans that just dont have enough problems.
3.
There are not alot of happy people around here. Everyone's either serious or scared shitless; which is fine since that way I dont feel like mutilating them. But I neeeeeeeed some good vibe dammit!
4.
CANT PARENTS STOP YAPPING like some very old birds whose not offered anymore choices so they are only able t condemn a very dear little girl's tangled up, shrinked mind? Can't they just understand that my happiness doesnt lie on THEIR happiness! I dont wanna do bussinessssssss!!
5.
My friends have been very great. I'd like t bring them t Spain one day; if I'd finally chosen a course(tt I wanna go), &get a diploma, hopefully continue on w a degree then excel in my field. But I wish they would stop asking. Then I could settle in on a passionate course then I can have a successful career then I can finally fly all of ya'll t Spain! Okok, cut it. As if. I would rather turn t my top scorers (ehem ehem) t treat me t a vacation instead! Dori!! Lum!! YeeHui!!! (coughs).
6.
There's one girl who is skating on thin ice, very thin ice. Th first thing that pissed me off so deeply was how emotionless she was. Stoning, acting as if sh was cool abt it all, just wanting t be there for her friends; give them hugs, encouragements &shedding tears tgth. Pls, it makes me wanna puke. If this is th empire you're dealing with, you should fret cause you have nothing in mind &your future is bleak just like a black hole. You pretend as if every single thing will be under control &little elves will help you settle your future when actually, you're on a marginal last straw hanging on your clueless passion.
7.
Oh wow. That girl's me.
8.
Anw, feel like cutting my hair abit more shorter like
Should I? Or chill awhile until my hair grow abit more longer when it goes unkempt then do it again?

Labels: Dont forget t remember me.

Floating &scooping down low. ▲▲

Right now,
all I can say is me &my parents are not on th same page.
Not because of my points (they said they are happy, whatever it is) but wait, are they entitled t meddle w my choice (???)

▲▲

Cutted my hair.
Zzzzzzzzzzz.
More like ohmytian (don't ask me where I learnt this from)
Anw, its pretty short &straight.
Gulp, kinda still stun &abit heart-wrenching but I love flinging it ard tho &touching it &smelling it.

Anw, we're having a story-telling session now in th chatting room w Dori, Lum &Ewee!
It's been gg on since two days ago; so shall we create a name first?
Haha.

Its time t FORGIVE &FORGET.
I wanna forgive you, then th otha step will come on smoother; which is t forget you.
SO EASY!
Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
-.-

Labels: Miss my hairrrrrrr

▲▲

ONE KEY to start off a relentless journey of teamwork is;
BITCH &BOND (such a perfect kick start)
Come on, look at all of us?
What do we do best?
How did all of us get tgth other than ________?
&You guys thought there's a more sophisticated secrecy.
Fine, besides loving each other's company &supporting one another as a TEAM, what else?

We were even wondering whether you guys _______ behind our backs cause our main highlight after every training was ________ our seniors or th old birds or both.
Okay, how bout initiate off w teachers? (this is seemingly wrong to illustrate such outrageous idea but it seems more wierdly terrestial if you dont _____)
Like V**** for eg.
Sh just took over &sh was talking to me like some _____ who've known RC all her life; well who acts as if sh've known me even longer than Ms Norita has, who has no due respect for someone who is more experienced &who solely is a young adult who knows how to think for herself &her juniors(!!!!!!) (how th fuck do I manage my squad anw? B!)
Anw, not th point.
These trgs, sincere santa gifts &damn confrontations are heading to an empty review, to a more pissing situation.
It seems, it seems that nobody have a goal in mind.
Maybe all of ya'll do, but its a bloody huge difference in setting a goal as a team compared t an individual self.
But we kept on hissing, trying t peeve you guys in any manner possible t pry open your very heavy mouth for some opinions but your response was ultimately pathetic.
Its as if we're threatening you guys w a knife at th side of your throats while expecting for a decent answer.
I don't really know how t work things out anymore.
But at th end of th day, it's your choice; not much of our responsibilty although I won't give up, still, if you guys can't help yourself, there's nothing anyone can do t alter any circumstances.
Even though i think competition being on Valentines is abit blood boiling; you have t prove too that its worthy for us to sacrifice that holy day t support.

Anyyyyywaay what's th point of babbling w/o proper solution.
So there's a few options :
1) CAMP! (perfect soln, trust me)
2) Games day (altho we've had plenty, it's not working, is it?)
3) An organized, enjoyable Day Out? (how bout a normal movie-junkie?)
4) Get ditched in a catastrophe tgth, so you'll fight tgth????????????????
5) Or nomal, traditional heart to heart trash out session (Its time dont you think so?)
6) Enthuse on a certain project tgth or smth lah. (come on, fancy would work)
7) Get tochered so you guys have some common ground just like NS? (Wth this is getting more more ridiculous!)

Aiyaaa I'll just come over on Fri or smth &see what I can do. (this time w Dori ah, Dori)
Damn sad case.

Anws, Ewee wanted out t catch some movies or more appropriately, a movie, but Dori, YH &Lum want their hair cut when I've been wanting to eversince?
I just don't know which style t venture on cause obviously I want a more versatile, &different look tt could reflex another personality of mine.
So opinions?
1) Rihanna's?
2) Victoria's??
3) Nicole Richie's?
4) Britney's previouspreviousprevious short hair?

Labels: We're emptier inside.

▲▲

There's a bunch of things to welcome &recreate.
But firstly, before anything else,
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!
Been wanting to shout out since I've been a mean bitch,
&Well, can't rep msges.
Hmmm, but I've finally completed these personal letters to my favourite ppl!
Namely,


Okay I'm gonna update w more peeektures &more entries tomorrow when some kids go to school at 7AM!!!
AHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHA!

Labels: I love you..