black holes &revelations

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black holes &revelations
FACEBOOK MY TUMBLR - - "make me crazier"

Shadows	profile Save a little more for me in your memory.		links Aida Aisyah Afiq Ariffin Awaliah Adelina Adilla Ash Aynn Azeemah Beng Yew Celeste Charmaine Constance Dorisa Faiz Farahin Faraliza Fiona Gary Hajar Hairil Hidayat Hidayah Hui Ying Ierfan Izzah Jessie Kathy Likha Lynn Man Wei Min Ming Min Nadrah Pei Ling Rahmah Soffiah Syafiqah Syafiqah N. Tiara Xin En Ying Yan Zhan Teng Zul		articulate ! archives May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 December 2010 March 2011		Sunday, November 23, 2008 6:59:00 PM ▲▲ As I walk these times, head first, without any disruptive counter parts, but w a clear mind, it's been easier. Although it means that I have t start anew, it seems that I'm being more appreciated day by day. I knew I couldn't keep lying to myself any longer; of what I hate &what I want to keep close. &Finally, after all these while, I start t know. Most I will choose to lock it up in my big treasure chest, but I'll throw away th rotten one's that's been clouding up my years. Suddenly I had no idea how I'd managed to convince myself otherwise. About th people &th memories that I continue to welcome back although they were th devil of my future- like I was a fool, pretending that things would be different, that they will change, instead it only made them consistent in stabbing my spirit &pulling me down. Only that I didn't die. It was as if a bright light was shining into all th dark corners of my life that I hadn't want to look before. I don't think I'm gonna lose anth; not any opportunity or not anybody, cause I mean exactly nth t th ones I'm leaving behind, nor do they do to me. I'm not gonna waste my time w any flaky layabouts, that includes you, you bastard, &I will spend my time wisely giving myself some unconditional devotion(if that sounds correct). Anw, recently things are different. I used to swear alot right? Until I was quite close to Shi Min whose 2 yrs older than me, but seems v paticuliar abt anth or anyone vulgar. I would wish to see her slapping ShanQi when he sweared fuck you to her. Come on, even he was scared after that. Th thing is, I think I ran out of my bitchy hysteria, and be abit more dignified cause I'm still a girl after all. &My patience have been built, like a tough wall, made of marble, not resently ending anymore (I hope anw). But my body's been a weakling, I wake up v early everyday but th rest of th day you'll find me lazing ard, which is def no good. Anw, Starting tmr, I'll plan out th things I wanna do, as I'll make it a week's exception of work hunting. :DDD Labels: I feel good. Saturday, November 22, 2008 10:23:00 AM ▲▲ Sorry lor. You think I always have to give in to you? That I have to only help pamper your fire &not look at my own beliefs? Sorry you're stubborn, &sorry that I am. Doesn't mean that you stand strong in your fuck & I couldn't right? Sorry in trying to change your mind lah, it didn't work then sorry lor. Fed up siak. Mother f. Anw, I have to always look at 3 positive things, not th rotten stuffs no matter how dire it is. So, 1) Nadiah got 252 :D (Omg great or what!) But sh still wanna go TKGS -.- 2) I'm starting to know Singapore inside out. (ask me how t go geylang also I know-.-) 3) I've known some great ppl (not including th flawful Singaporeans; how their true colours overpower their personality) I guess that's alright for now; altho I need more. Maybe I need some shopping after one week. (; Labels: YOU DON'T LIVE ON EARTH ALONE PLS SO DONT EXPECT PPL TO REVOLVE ARD YOU Wednesday, November 19, 2008 7:45:00 PM ▲▲ YOU THOUGHT WRONG. Everyone's grad night is exactly this bloody, chilly night! I'm freaking pissed; mostly because of th fucking work &this news don't make me feel any better. Yan &Sakilah sounded abit enthused, until I told them about my horrific grad, then they tried to sound neutral..to only make me feel less dreadful. Atleast they tried...all of them are very nice actually. Only th job's another tough bitch. Javionne was talking abt th great depression in th prime meeting early in th morn. He said it's happening exactly after 100 years which is right now. &He drew th graph &taught us some stuffs abt th stock market. &We have some cheering session &some pitching exercises... Welcomed th newbies, &Javionne continued his spitting periods. He said that if th economy dropped further until th limit line, it will drop all th way to th rock bottom, which will be th GD. GD is when ppl commit suicide; exiting from top floor windows, flying above th sky but dropped soon later, or climbing over th white tigers' den &let them pounce on their neck(!!) So now, is th time when ppl are fucking stingy; where they make sure they don't withdraw any single hand from their pockets, or make sure their wallets are full, so only they can survive in th upcoming tough times. Stupid recession! Well, th point is, he continued; after th GD, th economy will strive up, higher than how it is right now; which is th end of th tough times. "TOUGH TIMES DO NOT LAST. ONLY TOUGH PPL DO" But that really don't make me think twice of not quitting, cause I am, just waiting til th end of th week. I really want to stay for th Christmas party, &bonuses, but I don't think this job suited me. I hate it actually. Even Eryannah quited. Although Shimin, YueFang, Justin &all was nice, nothing's gonna make me stay, unless it's money :D So, trynna find another job. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiii Now I miss being a kid. I'm not so old what right? Am I? Labels: What don't kill me only makes me stronger. Sunday, November 16, 2008 1:11:00 PM ▲▲ The rules & regulations: 1) Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself 2) People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird things/habits/little know facts as well as state this rule clearly 3) At the end, you need to choose 10 people to be tagged & list their names 4) No tag back. ************* 1) I like to be alone in my bus rides home. 2) I like to imagine myself, onstage, singing while strumming th guitar. 3) I am a wallflower by nature but I dream of being in th limelight. 4) When I don't agree w what ppl say, I'll stay quiet &keep widening my eyes everytime they get ridiculous. 5) When I get attacked or tickled, I use my legs to counter. 6) I don't really tell my friends everything; I just spit alot of unnecessary things to entertain. 7) I am most comfortable w an outfit that has pockets. 8) My hands don't really like resting; so I put my hands in pockets &fiddle w them, or play w my hair. 9) Most of th times, really, I don't like talking; altho I do alot. 10) I giggle most of th time, at really random acts; even when I'm alone to strangers. People That I've Taggged; 1) Ewee 2) Amalina 3) Nadrah 4) Atiqah 5) Shima 6) Hugh 7) Aaron 8) Dorisa 9) Nurul 10) Aida Labels: Life hasn't turn out quite th way I want it to be. Friday, November 14, 2008 11:03:00 PM ▲▲ Ewee asked me to do this. Damn you 1. What Have You Been Doing Recently? -Finding a job, &not sleep. 2. Do You Ever Turn Your Cell Phone Off? -Haha, yes. 3. What Happened At 10am Today? -I was trying to sleep anw. 4. When Did You Last Cry? - I don't really know. 5. Believe In Fate/Destiny? - I think I want to. Do I? 6. What Do You Want In Your Life Now? - I dunno..I'm deluded. But I want a job. Badly. 7. Do You Tend To Make Relationship Complicated? - I'm not only th capable one okay. 8. Are You Wearing Anything You Borrow From Someone? - nope. 9. What Was The Last Movie You Caught? - Can't remember. But I'm watching madagascar 2 tmr. 10. Does That Person Know You Like Him/Her? - I do? 11. Who Always Make Me Laugh? - There's Ewe, Nad, my mum.. Hmmm, there's more I guess. 12. Do You Speak Languages Other Than English? - Yeah. 13. Favourite Website(s)? - Deviantart 14. What Are You Doing Tomorrow? - Movie! Shop! Food food food! 15. What Do You Think You Are Like? - A bitch. &A similar human. 16. Who Will You Choose To Die With? - I dun wanna die I dun wanna die IDUNWANNA DIE!!! 17. Where Have You Been Today? - PayaLebar, Lavender, MarinaSq, Esplanade. 18. What Game Do You Play Often? - I play? 19. Who Are You Missing Right Now? - Maybe somewhere, somehow really deep inside? Alot of ppl i think. 20. If You Have To Choose Between A Friend And Love, Who Will You Choose? - Friends. 21. What Are You Doing Now? - Chatting 22. Which Primary School Are You From? - Yuqun, Merlimau, Lakeside -.- 23. Name Three Colours That You Like. - Black, Red, Green. 24. What Emoticon Do You Like To Show? - Stone. Best. 25. What Is Life To You? - Another bitch. 26. If You Have Something Troubling You, What Will You Do? - Chill. Lol. Take 10 deep breaths &watch Friends. 27. Who Did You Last Chat With On MSN Today - Ewee, Wafda, PeiPei. 28. Who Do You Admire The Most? - My mum. 29. Which Month Were You Born In? - June. 30. How Are You Feeling Right Now? - Excruciating. 31. What Is The Time Now? - 11.21 32. What Kind Of Person Do You Think The One Who Tag You Is? - I turn to her w my most awful flaw, &sh laughs at them. Sh always offer her most qualified ears. I think sh's lovely. I think sh's th best. I think I love her :D 33. What Colour Would You Use To Dye Your Hair? - Light brown or brunette. 34. Why Are You Doing This Test? - Ewee kan asshole. 35. What Do You Do When You're Moody? - Read &shut myself up frm real world. 36. At Which Stage Do You Wish To Get Married? - I don't even think there's th one. OMG. 37. Who Is More Important To You? - All th ones I love. 38. If Today Is The Last Day Of Your Life, What Will You Do? - OMG! Call everyone up &tell them why I love them. Letters would take too long. 39. Who Is/Are The People/Person You Trust The Most? - No one? 40. Do You Believe In Seeing The Rainbow After The Rain? - I somehow always do. 41. If You Have A Dream To Come True, What Would It Be? Where's my one?- 42. What Is Your Goal For This Year? - Damn O's. To turn my life from miserable to hopeful. 43. Do You Believe In Eternity Love? - Do I? 44. What Feeling Do You Love Most? - Being needed. 45. Do You Really Think It's Global Warming Now? - What th hell you think? Duh. 46. What Feeling Do You Hate The Most? - Sick. 47. Do You Like Doing Quizzes? - Kinda. 48. Do You Believe In God? - Ofcourse. 49. Who Cares For You The Most? - I dunno. 50. What Do You Think Is The Most Important Thing In Your Life? - Work. 51. What Will You Bring When You Fight? - Th cops. 52. What Have You Regretted Doing In Your Whole Life? - To love &to believe. 53. What Do You Do If Nobody Cared For You Any Longer? - Commit myself to work. 54. What Will You Do If Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Two-Timed You? - What an easy guy! Just easily let go lor. 55. How Do You Feel Now? - Hungry &dizzy.** Labels: This will be my last feeling for you. 9:55:00 PM My thoughts I can't decode. ▲▲ I survived more than 48hours w/o sleep. Why &How? Hai... I wanna sleep. I wanna get unconscious for atleast a little while. I wanna stop thinking for as long as I could. But, why can't I? I finished a book in 2 days. But I wish it didn't end. I wish there's more depth in Melissa's &Jonathan's romance. I wish they make it into a movie. Or a series. I wish I was Mel. But, why am I not? I'm starting another tonight. I had four job interviews just now. One at Paya Lebar, one at Lavender, one at Waterloo &th other at Mile Centre. Orientation for PL's on Monday, while th one at Lavender's on Wed. I wish I will get accepted for PL's &not for L's. I wish my bank account will erupt w money soon. I wish I will get occupied getting my head &heels on work. I wish I didn't have to try. I wish it makes me happy. I wish it offers me a meaning to life. But, is it going to really happen? Labels: Shut up and let me go. Thursday, November 13, 2008 4:20:00 AM ▲▲ Its 4.20 am &I'm accompanied by two heroes; Ewee &Afiq. I'll tell evth tmr. Right now I think I'll be safer in my room. Good night. Wednesday, November 12, 2008 11:45:00 PM Gotta Be Somebody ▲▲ This time, I wonder what it feels like To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of But dreams just done enough So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene Straight off the silver screen So I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with Cause nobody wants to be the last one there Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares Someone to love with my life in their hands There's gotta be somebody for me like that Cause nobody wants to do it on their own And everyone wants to know the night alone There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere There's gotta be somebody for me out there Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight And dammit this feels too right, it's just like déja vu Me standing here with you So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end? Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with Cause nobody wants to be the last one there Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares Someone to love with my life in their hands There's gotta be somebody for me like that Cause nobody wants to do it on their own And everyone wants to know the night alone There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere There's gotta be somebody for me out there You can't give up, (when looking for) a diamond did erupts?? (you will never know) The wind shows up, (make sure you're holding on) Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on Cause nobody wants to be the last one there And everyone wants to feel like someone cares Someone to love with my life in their hands There's gotta be somebody for me, oh Nobody wants to do it on their own And everyone wants to know the night alone There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere There's gotta be somebody for me out there Nobody wants to be the last one there Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere There's gotta be somebody for me out there Labels: OLD WOUNDS REALLY NEVER WILL HEAL. 12:12:00 PM ▲▲ To me, th whole sphere of my adulthood is a mystery, but not that I need some ammunition or requiring any intervention of an interpreter; cause I can so deal it on my own. I do certainly want to tackle th rocky path to enlightenment, alone or not, cause I'm certainly not a girl who gets anything sh wants without a fight. Well, even now, I'm fighting. I obviously want to find th meaning of life, tho I know th meaning of life was created from its beings, but I want to be fed w a different; simple but a different meaning. I want to know what's out there in store; not just for me but for everyone else, cause th conviction of knowing th meaning of life is how truly unique it all had been settled out for you; that everyone is special &if we catch evth at different angles, it would be wonderful. Only, just not now. I couldn't allow myself to contemplate w th alternative of having a pretty good; simple but pretty good life. I mean, come on? How much does it comes to me? Yes, I want to start life all over again. Ytd, while I was on th train alone, everything that'd been happening in my life started to crawl out of th corners of my brain, &haunts me too much, that I'd put away my Twilight &decided to upfront an abrupt convo w this lady playing w her toddler. Well, not that I'd initiated it anw. Sh was talking about her son at first, then over to her mother-in-law, then to her career &finally to my age. Sh said I looked like an 18, then I said; thanks, not certain whether it's a compliment or not. Then we lingered on th matter of teenagehood; relating to finding jobs, &evth in btw. I was defending my type, ofcourse (but because I was out for a job too). But that was only in th beginning, until I found out I was criticizing my own kind, forgetting I was actually one of them. Sh was laughing when I was impersonating my mother, but I got back to my tone when I realised I'm still talking to a stranger. When we separated, me to dhoby gaut &sh to kallang, I was wondering whether was it in me to be gullible &naive to expose myself out there, wearing my heart on my sleeve &knowing my vulnerability was out on th loose? Wait, had it been always that way? Have I all these while been risking myself? ~ Then there's this chinese lady asking me how to get to dhoby gaut, then to sengkang; so I merrily guided her along w me, cause its not as if its a heavy duty or anth. Then we did something that's called chatting (again). I'm in th mood to do so, as I got th hang of th momentum, but if they accidentally catch me in th wrong vibe, then I'm prolly worse than some serial killers, okay no lah, but you get it. &That was when I realized what I wanted to do all these while! I want a job that allows me to talk; meet new ppl &just, talk. So, I dismissed on th idea of dreaming being like Meridith, &meeting Shepherd while saving lives. Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Anw, here's Paramore's Decode, Twilight soundtrack. &Can't wait for Twilight!! Labels: OLD WOUNDS NEVER HEAL. Sunday, November 9, 2008 8:21:00 PM ▲▲ &If there's any justification to your unpardonable shadowed behavior would be how you're torn apart, or neutral and how you get sick of having to juggle different faceshift at th same time. But I didn't ask you to tip to any side, or be consistent in helping my ass, cause I've stopped trusting you. Other than that, I don't think your revulsion is psychologically credible cause wait, who am I to you? That, you should know; cause if not I won't second guess &I'll choose to stop wasting my time to further uphold this crap cause it can only be either pure, or not. &Honestly, I dunno anymore. I don't know what you are, I dunno what I want. I was indignant, abit hurt but my impetuosity controls &direct me more wisely. You should always know that I don't wallow too long on th drama cause I'm be known to real life &sour heart. &You should know too, I'm very capable in standing on my own. People told me to scale down my judgments, cause they know I'm prone to irrational decisions, that I could be led to strong sensitivity to different degrees. But to tell you th truth, I'm sick. I'm sick of being self-deluded by our weak relationship &get distracted by what's true or not. You said you're true, but you think I believe you? You think I love what's on th other side? My doubts &my uncertainty? No, I don't. &I wanna stop this. I wanna know what's true. Labels: Things are suddenly making more sense now. Friday, November 7, 2008 2:04:00 PM ▲▲ Now let me have some sleep. Lit took a bloody lot out of me. Oh and, I had maybe by emma bunton just now :DD Which made me Tired like a Temperamental Titania.(Lol, lol.) Bye you Bloody Bluster. (Thats called alliteration bdw. Excessive one) Okay, I'll shut up. Bye. Tuesday, November 4, 2008 4:26:00 PM ▲▲ I've always been hooked on th phone in th middle of th night these few days. So I'm trying to say I'm power lah, cause I could survive minimum 2 hours per person &sleeping at 3 almost every day. Sometimes we'll study over th phone, but most of th times, we chat. &According to Christopher; chatting is practically spoken topics that aren't connected at all, where ppl say things to each other which aren't questions or answers. Okay anw, it's been relieving to have great friends, ones with which you do not need to second-guess what's been on your mind, when even a silent sound is a train of comforting words, when you just spit out vulgar &impulsive breaths of letters yet still have a good laugh, &when they would patiently wait for you to utter th things that'd been disturbing you cause they know how your stutters have hidden meanings planted in it. I'm grateful, I really am. &This adds on to how much I'll miss secondary days. Anws, Ummu said I'm lucky when I think th word does not define me in anyway at all. Sh said its unfair how ppl always turn to me &tell me stuffs. I asked, what stuffs? Sh said evth that other ppl wants to know. Its nice, somehow. But at a different context, you can say it's as if they're exploiting me out of my brain cells and my sincere concerns for them w my pretty long speeches cum advices. But I didn't say I don't like it. Infact i do. Alot actually. Because its as if I'm doing charity; that if I can't help myself, I should always open doors to help others &try to make them happy in any possible way. It would be th best thing, next to me being blissful, but even that sounds impossible now. So th least anyone could do is help me forget abt myself. Or my past. Or my future. Annnnnnnnnnnd O's havent end yet all my days have been booked. I CAN'T WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIT! Okay, fine I'll wait.

thank you.