Its funny how sweet 5 hours can be
& Its normal how bitter th rest of th day feels like
So how can I offer my own ending?
Cause I'm stuck,
In a time where revolution don't take place,
Where deeds don't come round,
Where th unworth is worth,
Where ugly hearts are beauty.

Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

Its like th promises were paint red.
Its like there's an angel tonight.
To turn my life inside out,
Turn my world upside down.
But I was wide awake only to find,
I'm th knight in my own shining armor.

(don't mind th bad composition-learning you know)

Labels: I'm in a bad dream.

▲▲

1) I'm watching F1 w Abah.
2) Today's Aida's 17th, (I hope you love th bangles &th dress) *Sorry I sound dead.
3) Syaz's driving here, pick me &have midnight supper at Tom's Pallete @beach road.
4) I think I've decided on TP or NgeeA, never JC. (Regretted not applying for dpa)
5) Ibu bought alot of different Olay whitening creams for me to return to my original color since there's no more trgs.
6) I think I'm gonna hate next month.
7) When is he dying?
8) I baked a cake.
9) My room's in a mess.
10) O's in 93 more days. &I'm not studying.

Labels: I cracked my mental stability.

▲▲

I guess everything has its own limits.
From being patient, to th joking tones, to work, to help, to being vigilant, to be attentive, to show passion, to friendship &love. That's why NOTHING LAST FOREVER or why its called EARTH, not HEAVEN or bullshits like that. I'm freaking sick of everything that I'd figured my heart did actually shrink in social science, because I DO NOT WANT TO CARE. I let it flow, I let life pass me by, I let people talk about me, I let my brothers eat my food (usually I wont), I let my dad to change th channel when I'm watching FRIENDS, I let my phone drop &pick it up 5 minutes later, I let people embarrass themselves, I would let anybody to slap me, I would even let robbers slip away; I JUST DON'T CARE! But there's certain things I still do, it just won't be obvious, I guess. Ummu said I'm actually (!!) nice only its so bloody deep to dig to find that I am.

I asked YeeHui for a badminton round just now. I did this everytime I'm low, yes Dori, or emo-but not to YHui only lah-to anybody that lives nearby. I eat words like raisins, a word at a time, but digesting nothing, nothing at all. Sports, walks at night &novels gives me a sense of purpose &completion without burdening me with knowledge of things I can't do about; like Maths or O's. & It does reduce th strain on my neck, or enlighten th weight on my shoulders, or pulling out some pins in my head. But still, I'm just living for today- until I see some light, some love, I'll start living for tomorrow.

There's this one special thing about friendship-which is trying extremely hard to battle anything negative about th person &see it in another light. Obviously you're not, you just fuckingly go on being unhappy about it. &I don't see why as a friend you couldn't find this one single spark of content for me, &it hurts. Its not about th whole glory or th fucking recognition because I could even toss it all out in th drain if it makes all of you feel better. I wasn't chasing anything at first, &with all these emotions, I really do not know how I should be tackling th damn bloody thing; be happy, grateful, guilty(??), deserving (????), wretched because some others want it (??????), convince th teachers I shouldn't get it cause everything was so damn unpredictable (????!!). I was neutral &yeah I guess that's not good enough too. Friends is an easy title but to know whether a friend needs it alot, some or a little is th most crucial thing. &In th end, th one who's taking your hands &pulling you up to your two feet, is th true-st. There's no use for me to try-to try be your friend, to try to feel what you feel, to try to understand, to try to be selfless, to try to punch myself &make me feel so low, to try not to feel th sense of what I'm suppose to feel, because in th end, you won't appreciate everything that I'm doing, because you love to bring me down all th time, because you're selfish, because you have a bloody pride &everything else is horrible under your eyes. &I couldn't change that. &I'm capitulating, I'm surrendering what's left, I'm washing my hands off. &I hope it th best. I hope this is what you want, for me to give up.



"Strong Enough"

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed,renewed, and find forgiveness find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again

Labels: Never felt so low.

▲▲

I am;

Motionless.
Sedated.
Impervious.
Indifferent.

Please shut up. Thanks.




Sunday- 13 July, Ames' Birthday Celeb.
Cameraman: Naf.











































If you have a chance to go wherever in th world, where &why. (Write less than 5 mins)
Mostly, everyone around me weren't hooked to go to Paris for shopping haven(what?) or Eiffel tower(double what??), or desperately yearning to crawl over th city for some fairytale fantasy coming through. I'm not saying it's wrong, or typical (okay maybe abit), but can somebody just explain to me why th hell? Okay, back to question, I'll love to go to Rome, a more romantic, beautiful, tranquil, inspiring &friendly, friendly paradise. Just look at Cheetah Girls2 or Lizzy McGuire Th Movie, I was too captivated for words. &I grew up not to have a materialistic chase, cause its temporary,so in a way, I'm trying to shadow my bliss. Rome just have this certain magic I could not have seen in Singapore. Okay fine, I've seen everything just on th screen (&who doesn't always try to bluff, advertise &exaggerate a place, yadayada) but i bought it & whocaresabouteverythingelse? Singapore is another fastlane, minding-an-own-bussiness-island, unclassic, low-heritage(okay can't blame em uh), westernized, busy, hectic, chaotic, crowded, you name it. Rome is different. It's a place where life paces down, where every curve is a perfect angle for a photograph, artistic, eccentric architectures, beautiful culture, demure language, gorgeous people with inviting &ravishing smiles, amazing entertainment, rich in history, lovely food, good music, nature friendly, in short, it's like a fairy world, only humanized. Its somewhere I would want to migrate to. Somewhere my happiness begins. Its first on my list when I start my another chapter of adulthood, next to having my own apartment &car. &If I could, I would come back to Singapore (&be successful enough) to shape it to another place of bliss &love.
Enjoy~

▲▲

My best friend turned 16!
&Sh was all so cool about it, which makes her cooler :DD
Hope you love all our presents &th wishes &th poster, alright.

Now I guess I have to stop having plenty of fun (&sleep).
It like every weekend, I'll be finding my feet somewhere at th shopping mall, or having dinner, or even r&r-ing while having lazy chit chats, or bending my back to take a perfect photograph, or luring myself to take a nap in class. I want a bloody future but I'm here shaking my careless ass off, waiting for someone to help me start. But just as I told myself to bust my butt in all these mug sessions, there th exhilaration begins! Soon enough, I see th imminent bleakness hovering my future, so I tried to try but trying's not good enough I guess. I'm slowly coming to my senses now, okay if that helps. -shrug-

Everyday I have a different personality. Its funny, its weird, its me(thats what Ummu said). This morning, I felt really calm & sentimental, but still, indiscreet(I believe). Syanaz said though, I'm not indiscreet. Sh said sh think I care too much until I get so sick of it because th same treatment didn't go round in a polite way so, I'm kinda trying to not care. Then I said, If I'm trying not to care, why does ppl asked me to? Sometimes they said I'm so freaking careless, that they think I turned mean. Last week(if I'm not wrong), Sherwin &Fara was disturbing each other; he was snatching her phone, sh was complaining to me about it &so I just said, Can you stop being a childish idiot, grow up &give back her bloody phone? Then Min asked me, Why are you so cranky today? I said, Aren't I always cranky? He, Urghh no? Naf, Okay thats weird. Hajar said, I guess you're tired of evth?

On th otherhand, everybody says I'm sensitive, so if I am, it should be a two way commerce, that I should be sparing multiple thoughts for others. But am I(?) or am I not(??). Or does it mean that being sensitive don't always work that both ways? I WONDER.............................................................................. But my mum told me, For th moment, I think you're indignant &that's pretty dangerous.
I went like, Awwwwh man! Damn. I was hoping to be a better person since 16 is a new beginning of adulthood but again, it's mind over matter ¬ everything is as easy as words from th thoughts



My mum said, that when I was still very young, I was a pathetic soul(!!!) because sh said I used to think I was invincible &that I would feel safer blending in with everybody else. But sh told me too, that that wasn't what I wanted. Sh said I always wanted to step up &stand out above th rest but I was too shy-that I was too afraid to being let down &mocked at-that I didn't have th courage back then. &Then sh said, sh started to see me change when it was almost th end of sec 1 &that now sh's ultimately proud of me. Sh said sh was glad I'm becoming more of myself &that sh could see my future so bright. Then sh went on, "So don't disappoint me with your O's" Yeah, Ooops didn't see that coming. But that motivates me alot. So no, I won't.

A thought for change.
Its miserably easy to change for th worse, I once did. But you didn't know it was actually lamely easy to change for th better. Follow your heart; not abit(cause it won't work) but alot with th whole jest and stuffs &in no time, it'll be spring! (or summer)(or winter if that makes you feel better).

Demi Lovato- This is me
don't mind th bad quality. Anw, from Camp Rock.