I said I never felt important to anyone when Tiq continues talking abt her, celebrating her anni on 28th.
"What do you mean?"
"No doubt you've forgotten"
"Come on, don't play mmind games pls"
"How could you? I booked you &th rest on 28th!"
"But your bigday is on sunday!"
"Yes &I alr planned it out didn't I? With you?? My friends got me for 29!"
"I***, look sorry, I guess I was abit packed"
"Yeah no thanks to your love"
"I was kidding, come one!"
"No, I soooooooooo got your tone!"
Then we hung up.

A few minutes later sh texted,

"It was so hard to hear that you said you never felt important to anyone.
I love you.&don't think that because of one silly mistake, th love is altered.
For example, when your friend said sh have tuition doesn't mean sh don't give a damn.
How could you not feel that we care? Could we have been bad at loving you? Or could no one love you enough?"

"Maybe my mood have been flying miraculously these few days, but babe, actions speak louder. Their eyes, their words, their reactions."

"How much you think you know a person, nobody could go deeper to whatever sh has in mind. Sometimes words that we should say, is kept on tight, but words that are not meant to be heard, are permit to fly. You have, all your life, been thinking too much"

"I wasn't!"



Th only way to begin again, I thought, was to calm myself, and stop thinking!
I always felt terrible in being quiet or stay emo, but sometimes it rocks alot to not have to talk. I quickly found a way to justify my state, to rationalize what I knew I had been weak, what had simply been wrong. I wrapped it in a flag of mental breakdown; that maybe th attention at home &in school is too brittle, that I had too much things to do, that I thought I was alone because everyone close to me alr has a significant other, that O's is affecting my habits and my way of life, that I start being more delirious and stubborn and curious and restless and tired. I told myself it was no one's business; about all these that's playing in my mind, not even yours, Tiq. I said this is part of th phase, so it had nothing to do with anyone.

I'm tireless. Tiresome too, but sometimes, I tell myself everything I do is for a worthy cause. In this case, I have to find myself, and be able to fly again as soon as I take that other step.

▲▲

I thought I had change;
so much more than what words could describe.
But th more I feel myself being different,
th more I see my roots, th more appreciative I get,
th stronger I was growing.
&Then soon, I realised I'm not changing, I'm evolving;
I was slowly becoming what I want to be,
what I should be.





GOING ON 16.


I'm a sicko, a bloody idiot in situations where it concerns failing. I have a whole junk of attitude I couldn't kick out yet. I press people for answers and details when I know they're wrong, arrogant and overconfident because life was just as harsh for me. Since I started exposing to life, I've always been ambitious &driven, and nobody ever did whole-heartedly encouraged me; cause they didn't want to see me thrive, to see me as someone else under th light of success. In this way, I haven't change-but what I want has. I might want someone/ something easier, someone who wouldn't judge me inside out but someone who takes me as I am, someone who could make me th center of gravity &something that is straight ahead for me. Which makes me wonder whether there's something else behind my own demand.

&Eversince I stood on my own feet and find my own strength, life gets tougher. My bravado is my own success, no thanks to anyone. Its easy to finger this all on time, that "Alah, its no big deal", but its a freaking HUGE deal. I feel my unburied resentment and I think its behind my insistence on being strong. It's a test of my patience, devotion, strength and my future. Once my trust is broken, I'm pulling th plug & everybody knows that. But they too know that I'm easy to go forgiving, that everything would be okay. They thought wrong. Cause everything that happened to me would decide a different me.

Everyone is entitled to change and chance. Responsibility offer opportunities. Opportunities make chances. Chances on th other hand, provide plans. And th responsibility is yours. Responsibility to change is yours. If you’re not going to help yourself then don’t bother planning to help others. And I believed that’s where I went wrong too. Look at yourself now, at every inch of your skin, at all your lines on your palms, at how it all is where you are now because it will transform. Why? Because I remembered how I looked at myself ten years ago; so confident that I would be someone and something that is powerful but when I looked at myself now, I was demolished because I wasn’t even near what I thought I would be. Every time I come across my baby pictures, I realized how fast it all has been and I told myself I won’t want to waste anymore time. Because I came into this world as someone life believed they could rely on, someone more than a girl, someone more than something that would be expired when sh dies, someone that could be atleast significant to one, someone more than love. Someone more than th future itself. And I tell myself I’m ready to be that someone I came into this world for. What kind of someone you think you are?

▲▲

When I said keep th yesterdays, I mean I'm seriously done with you.
But when you said, we're over, I dont believe you cause you're trying so bloody hard to prove smth (yeah what is it again?) that I'm starting to feel intimidating to you.
Okay fine I love our past, so? Doesn't mean I'll love th future.





Today was th fun sucker of th hols :DDD
So towned with Sem then went to youth park to support my brother &his band in th finals.
They were seriously impressive and yeah come on man, I will never bring you down! :D
Actually, I'm proud of you (:
I love th drum beats th most, Sem love th fat pro guitarist (LOL)
Oh &th first song was almost like herewegoagain; cause i find myself grooving to th music :DD
Neop-ed while waiting for th results & stuffs.
Took more pics at YP and result came in but they didn't win.
Yeah but I think its good enough to be top 10 in th whole country; its hard to make nice original songs, ya know.

Labels: I SAID I'M STARTING A NEW VERSE, you get it?

▲▲

There's too many things on th list that I wanna say with th lack of time for blogging and dadadada.

I havent talk about camp,
or Mrs Chong (feels damn good to hang up on her)
or coming to school from 8 to 6 (June has been tight that everytime I got home to use th comp, I tend to find myself snoring)
or Nad's, Ummu's, Yee Hui's BigDay sorry I've been a dumbshitpigmonster and if anything's not enough, you know I have a whole heart and my two legs :D
or Atiqah having a boyfriend :( can't say much; I'm just so lonely &its not fair! We've been having boyfriends tgth and though itoldhertowaituntiligotmine but sh kicked my ass for that(!).
or global warming please realise th abnormal sun, world. TY.
or Ressa injuring her meniscus Told you not to curse me to turn black due to trgs right! Kidding, you'll recover soon(I hope) &Hey advantage; ATTENTION!
or th day I went out to town and tumbled almost on everything, everytime wasn't on friday 13th though
or all my outings lah
or me hitting th maturity level with th progress of thoughts (I'll EE soon)
or me controlling my emotions and be calm (wah yesyes)
or th choosy brother who alr has a girlfriend of close to 2 months now :((
or father's day (!!) (wait til I tell my story)
or Mr Kris transferring out of school
or Don't Go To Th Musical
or I had fun on th wheelchair :D
or my bro's band got into finals for th ORIGINAL comp at youth park
or I cutted my hair
or th ghost stories with Dori &Sem
or that I'm tired so I'll tell everything on some other day :DD

Bye folks.