Malay was manageable. I couldn't say much cause who knows my markah will bercanggah with my opinion. Just as soon as I woke up at 5.30, I got a serious stomach ache, which is an obvious symptom that I was worrying my organs out. Like, during footdrill comp, when we reached th competition place while waiting in th hall, I got this sudden wonders from my tummy. But th ache brought us Champion, so I don't really mind. Not that I'm saying I could get 1 for this paper. But I hope so. Not because of my lucky tummy ache, but because of my own hardwork, that is if there's such thing from me that's called hardwork lah. Okay shit, now I have to go do prop, and design Sem's swirly wirly thing for her new, new room and think of some things to occupy Ummu's new room's wall (I wonder how much space will sh save for me). Oh and Mrs Chong! Oh F***ing hell!



I've decided that I like writing to you precisely because you don't respond. Well, I'm not pretty sure you pass this pathetic web. No, I even wonder whether you're still alive. You're like a dog that way, only that I don't like them because I can't touch them, so I dunno them, so I have no entitlement to any opinions. You're a silent listener. A man's bestfriend.
You're my moving, dark comedy that always makes me laugh at random, inside, out. You bring me to life, varying my roles and personalities, making me skeptical and vulnerable, making me hungry and desperate to find my other half. With you, I see th notion of happiness and love. With you too, I get delirious and angry and cynical and stubborn. I am independent to my fault, this time.
You remember how you'd persuade me to go out with you then proceed to have a serious stall tactic for us to meet when i declined th offer because i was too shy? You didn't know after you left, I have an emotional knockover because you thought I was playing games. You too didn't know I was struck, because you was my first and I was damn young. I didn't know that it will take a hell lot of time, to get over you when, initially I thought, would be by th click of my fingers. It all couldn't happen because you are not patient enough, because you don't know th ways to handle me, because you have a fucking ego. &All I want to do was proving your man instincts wrong, because I wasn't near naive and gullible, because I didn't trust you.
Can't you understand that my life have already been flushed down th toilet bowl? What else do you want to know? I knew you've been waiting patiently/scathingly for this moment when I could admit that finally, this life now suck, without you in th picture. I've always been manipulative, because I want to be strong, because I want to believe that my future could clear, that there's better plans for me ahead, that I would never need you anymore, that you suck too much.
You're another mystery. I guess I underestimated you but I guess you should capitulate because you overestimated yourself. Yeah, so long.

Labels: Time can't erase a feeling this strong.

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I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing.
Th still of th morning, th colour of th night.
I ain't spending no more time wasted.



Today was pathetic. If I've known, I shouldn't have attended school. Anw, there was a school phototaking session just now on th school field! Yes, th field. For what? I dunno. Maybe for some invitation cover for our 45th speech day atau apa-apa yang ada sewaktu dengannya lah uh. Yeah and we were th beautiful BACKDROP (!!!) (-.-) while there were some more important geeks in crispy, hotter(haha!), red blazers forming a formation of idunnowhat. &This shows just how obviously bias th school is, prioritizing specialists nerds who are capable of catering better results for this rich, future school. Anw, it was held like exactly after flag-raising when th bright, yellow, cheerful, blind, sun is rising(????). Dumb. So we were standing at our supposed positions for around 20 minutes while tanning ourselves aaaaaaahhhh when th phototaking period was barely 5minutes! It was schooltastrophy! omg I shouldn't mention.

Oh & Malay O's is only three days away! Th whole week we have MT intensives for two hours but I'm not pretty secure myself, though its just one grade up to distinction! Anw, I could've gotten A2 for MYE but Cikgu minus off 4 damn useful marks because of my menyeleweng-ed karangan! So just now, during th last hour of malay lesson before O's, Cikgu was talking and we were all quite sad. Sh said that we are her first batch sh took for all four years and soon enough, Ierfan said he could start memaparkan his vulnerable side and cry (but he couldn't lah. Haha, that guy only knows how to talk big). Its been a huuge deal for her i guess, and its gonna be tough now that her dad is fighting for his life while sh, herself is shaking her ass, worrying about him, and us, some 29 students from Jurong Sec sitting for a bloody paper. Sh said, sh could only doa for us and that we will be in her mind when sh sees th paper, &if th paper is really tough, sh said sh will melinangkan air mata. Hahaha! What does that show? Somehow or rather it conveys that we are still not prepared and her confidence towards us is not strong enough. I mean, we're all insecure with our malays because according to her, this pathetic batch always speaks in Eng even during MT lesson, that is why me, Nurul and Ierf, sitting right under Cigu's nose, bet each other 20 cents (now increased to 50 since monday) if anyone of us utter one single word of eng. Anyway, I'm not so shaken because I know that being nervous wouldn't help and we have to, definitely sit through it. But I'll do my best. Won't be that bad right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Anywayy, June is seriously booked/packed and whatever words that could come in between. I have mass dance to prepare, plan Appreciation night, be in-charge of f&b with Dori and Sem, choreograph fancy drill for musical, train people in parade, plan some dates, go for study camp, draw this, design that, stress my butts off with tons of birthdays &sleepovers and shopping for th presents, worry for my own, birthday plans while missing someone (whom I've been seriously thinking about eversince I got occupied), oh and not forgetting, mugging for O's. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiizzzzzzzzzz. I'm in deep shit I tell you. But I love being busy:D, okay well, somehow.

******Pray that I get 1 for Malay. Tell me after you did &I'll pray for you too.


Its Cook's season I tell you.
I was damn scared cause Archuleta did a more pleasant performance than him in th finals, so my confidence was brittle.
Th next day, I told Ierfan, should've strongly stayed with my heart.
&All he say is, (I dunno maybe he wanna act profound or shit) "Tulah you just gotta have a little faith"
Haha, PUI AHHHH!
Anyway, its a rejoicing moment.
Luckily I didn't lose 5 bucks to th bet cause he was to kedi.

OH AND THIS ARE MY FAVS :D

Labels: Take one step at a time. No need to rush. It's like learning to fly and falling in love. If it's gonna happen then its suppose to happen.

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Lemme hit you once and make you cram about your future now then regretting later okay? Revelations and pain reminds us that we're still alive. Our weaknesses and failures also is doing their part in implying that we're not superior beings. And this, all th more will make us work harder and walk on Earth with humbleness, not with arrogance and conceit. Its okay if you fall so hard, you found yourself sprawling and in pain for a moment with no aid, no one left. Success is about one's fighting spirit, their attitude in picking themselves up again; little about their weaknesses. Its all about winning it over with individual, unique strengths and you should be lucky you ever had a downfall, because no one could be stronger than you are. Th future is so damn near but nobody could have a taste of it, nobody is entitled to any opinions referring to our state cause they won't know our plans ahead. Th recipes are with us, techniques, planning and all are our only stall tactic left. Nobody could go th easy way, if they're lucky, than so are you. But being lucky is cheap and temporary. We're capable of much more than this freaking fate we're in, so we won't blow this up and be such a bad loser right? Even everyone says so. But heck about everyone else. Compete within yourself and then we'll see how you could sail through some easy, face-smacking proof. YEAH BABY! I'm so damn ready. Are you?


Sh's damn good &I love her. Original modern 60's with raw talent.

Labels: I smiled when you said you want him back cause I once used to.

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Oh I'll too take this opportunity to make a clear cut to some bitch whore slut and more cheap, guy bitches (being a bastard is not well-deserved for you, you should know). So please you bitch, what are you?-raised by some monkeys? (which ofcourse could not successfully infer people's emotions). Maybe you're trying abit too hard- to be what?-on top of th list?- what?-hottest person on Jurong Island?WHATWHATWHAT? You go around with your tiny little teeth and some perfect warm smile equipped with a total-turnaround eyes that display your not-so well-planned motives. Its too bad you do not have a good range of lifestories to talk about and decided to be super inexpensive and not-mentioned weak and typical to let some jealousy and intimidation crawl over your spine to th tip of your itchy fingers. You're such a lousy pretty girl, what a complete waste. You miserably chose to be again, yeah on top of th list, for desiring to be th best girl with th most inobvious enemies. I'm sorry for you and again did I said that your plan didn't work?-that my heart was never ripped up into pieces?-that so sad for you, you made me even stronger?-that you had stooped so low and risk your image?-that it backfires you & THAT REVERSE APPLIES?!!!!!! Oops I bet you didn't.
Oh and which guy, goes around playing with a wrong, young woman's heart by flirting secretly and being obscene with mush disgusting words? Actually, nobody is ever suppose to belittle and underestimate what a girl can do BECAUSE IN THIS 21ST CENTURY, WE RULE. So pack up your mouth or even flatten your hair, you pathetic hardgay-what were you thinking when you cheated on my very, very good friend huh? Perhaps you were being a horny ethiope that is in desperate need of pleasure? Or are you just trying to be cool because cool guys get alot of girls don't they?(did I mention without ACTING?). I've been dying to get across to this stinking humanity, again that by being themselves, could be cool enough (only uncool people would think its uncool). Is it also another century that human kind are racing for popularity, fame and wealth but not happiness? Where's our sensitivity? Where's our heart? Where's th thinktwice thought? Where is th world that we know of? Okay bullshits again. I'm sorry but I was damn upset and my heart infuriated. With sub-zero coldness in your freaking heart, lemme tell you, you sink in th lowest form of human chain. &Keep your dignity please. Damn important.

Labels: So what if th world is black and hearts are cold? That didn't matter.

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I saw a flasher. He flashes that thing. That thing where his pant's zip is. That thing ohmygod, that thing which every guy has. Oh goooooooodd, what was he thinking? It's so damn disgusting arrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh.
Let's go slow. We were in th middle of Bugis waiting for th bus, well thats when I realise this normal-looking Singaporean old Chinese man, in between th two billboards at th bus stop who kept on staring at th four of us. So i stared back at him, in his face, nowhere else (I swear). But he still persistently look at all my best friends' faces who are deep in a convo, while moving his eyes up& down. This was my inner voice, "Eh isn't this th guy just now? Why's he here now? Shit he's staring at us....Oooh nice specs.. Eh let's stare back. Okay no," &I said out loud, "Why is that guy staring at us?" Ewee turned immediately &went,"Ohmygod" and turned back at us "Don't look don't look". Th more sh says that, th more we wanna find what's wrong. So I was screening him from th top of his head and zig zag to toooooooooooooooooooooot~ &I jumped back startlingly. "OhmyfuckOhmyfuck" &My body went numb while laughing and panic like shit. Then suddenly a guy walked from my back and I jerked back and hid behind Syaf. This, I swear inflame my hatred towards guys. I'm purely disgusted. Suddenly that flasherfuck guy disappeared &we were damn paranoid. We told th story to Fara at KK &sh said, "Eh I wish I could see! You know if I'm there I'll be pointing at th toooot and go, Eeeeeeee look!" Hahahahaha. We wish man. Eversince, we reminded ourselves to look straight up & learnt that CURIOSITY really KILLS TH CAT.
Anyway, life goes on. Haha. Fara don't look sick though. Only her severe breathing difficulties.






Oh we mugged for a quality time for Maths today then went to eat at Pizza hut :DD
Hell who cares about however th paper is gonna be tomorrow. Prelims, wait I'll come :D
&O's, I'm ready to impress! Okay, as if.

Somedays, I feel like leaving my life behind and pack my bags. Th world looks so tempting, too inviting but what th hell right? I do have this impulse from time to time. I'm good at resenting interruption, in my life i mean, &soon developed my brain into a hard rock. My life is in th toilet. School &Love graciously let me, some nobody from th corner of Singapore into th magic kingdom & I blew it. So I'm here, stuck on Earth, surrounded by stinking humanity while I'm suppose to survive this freaking life. Mediocrisy kills me. It's my biggest, menacing fear, next to losing my loved ones lah. I'm a train wreck in th morning , I'm a bitch in th afternoon. I'm indignant I tell you, esp paranoid when indolent-headed people who reluctantly ask for essential help which they know they're not potential of doing and then inappreciatively take for granted all th other's hardwork, when people goes around seeking attention while thinking th human kind revolves around them, when people who're fuckingly rude to everybody except for themselves, when they think they're bigfuck, when they make fun of people with words of a fool while thinking they're perfectly flawless. Shit, I'm falling for life's cynical &cynicism again. I'll look at th brighter side, alright. Okay, bye.

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Alright. Maths P1, Eng P1, Malay, SS, Chem done.
Still, Physics, A-maths, Maths P2, Geog & Lit are killing all my senses!
Maths P1 was killer; cause well maybe I didn't study adequately enough.
SS was neutral. Chem was calm cause I love Chem :DD; not that I'm gonna ace it though.
I'm so not bothered by midyears at all, & I didn't know what's taking over me.
Mrs Chuah said I was very promising beginning of th year but I lost it overtime.
Lets see it this way okay folks, we are meant to flunk midyears. Haha, nono won't go psycho you guys. Oh & I'm supposed to mug for A-maths now but no I won't.

&I was shocked to receive th news that Fara's in KK.
Sh was absent since th first paper &gonna visit her tmr.
Her severe asthma issues came back but, sh won't be taking midyears(!!!!!)
We were saying that we would choose asthma over exam :D
Clever huh, Fara.
Kidding, kidding. Anw, take care hor. You will recover very soon but in th meantime, go revise since you have th free-est time a person could have on Earth.
I'll pray hard for you man.
Oh and can't wait to see you in th hospital pj's.

Days are getting tougher than usual. Prolly cause we grow older &our brains tend to think deeper than when we're 7. You should know things that are thrown to us are things that life believe we can handle. Only we didn't know that. Its okay if we whine for awhile but somehow you HAVE to pull it through alone, cause nobody can make your choices attributes. How much you want someone to understand you, they only can afford to feel what they can, but not till your most detailed, most deepest emotion, because they're not you. Human nature tends to be selfish, jealous, intimidated &insecure. How much you put your trust in a person, it will be shaken. Nobody is so obsessed to figure and infer all your intricate days &nights of adventure.
Rohani ever said to me, "You're only given a little spark of madness. Don't lose it." I only grinned to her because I was too shy then, &I wasn't ready to open up. Eversince then I wonder why'd sh say that, cause til now, I have no freaking idea. Anyway, how much I can, I want to be there for you, be your pillar of strength, be your security &be your sunshine. I only want you to be a better person. Now you wonder why I'm hard huh. I don't give a damn about anyone who walks past me saying things that are meant to kill, or freaks I don't like & don't love because they have no right to judge me nor do they have th right to alter my life. &I couldn't be shaken how much they try to bring me down. I only want to go deeper to your puniest thought, be you, feel you. But I'm still good, though. With or without you.

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Close to 3am now &yeah I'm prolly th only one awake in th house.
I feel like writing because that's th only thing that could calm me down.
Maybe having a morning stroll too, but its way too dangerous.
True enough, I'm distracted but I dunno why or how. You're not true, that one I do know.
I suspect my motives, don't you? My desires might be impure. All these feelings, all these vengeance, all these catharsis, all these search for a new flame is just more than what i think it is.
I maybe making use of this state, never realizing my intentions, but hell who cares!
What's more to? Everything's so confusing these days it feels like there's a huge snowball rolling down a hill behind me, getting bigger and bigger, &rolling faster and faster, &sometimes I'm in th front trying to outrun it and sometimes I'm at th back trying to catch up with it before it flattens someone else. Life is crazy, sometimes you care so much, sometimes you're aware you're being damn wicked, sometimes you're still praying for hopefuls even when you know things couldn't fit in sweetly to your own liking, to th dream you've been smiling about all these days your memory starts working. &I soon get to realize that these emotion that's overpowering is just a cover up. True enough (according to Afiq), I want to be in love just to experience it. Many said they would love to see me in love. Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. &Guess what Nurul came up with, she said she thinks guys are scared of me. haha, damn funny.
"How would you know? You're not a guy"
"My suspected instincts should be true"
"Yeahyeah, cause why?- I'm a leading woman who is emotionally strong right? I know they're afraid of confident ones"
"Yeah right."
"True what"
"Not in your case eh"
(Meant to be a light-hearted glib okay,)
Anyway, yeah so I was abit distracted and I decided to ask around.
They say that ain't true at all. But I didn't ask th guys at school ofcourse, sungguh tak perlu.
Haha, yeah they say I'm entertaining to talk to, not that I'm scary though, but I like to try one day how to(be scary i mean). Lol.
I should feel free. Cause that those guys suck big time. Sometimes when I travel on th bus, I always wonder to th couples passing by, like how &why girls could surrender easily to guys crap, like why don't they understand that love is never meant to last, that this thing they're giving in to is an unreliable issue,that one day they have to hold their own broken heart in their hands? Guys' love declarations are meant to be a joke. They are so untrustworthy. Soon, to create emotional debris and excessive hurt &upsets and remorse that couldn't change any single possibility.
GIVE IT UP MAN!

Labels: Hook me up.

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This labor day is suppose to be a GREAT day grabbed for studying ^^ -.-
I wanted to but because my family invited to go out shopping, I willingly accepted this break.
Padahal, setiap hari, setiap saat, break.
I think I'm gonna flunk midyears so bad its gonna be a freaking tight slap to my face back to reality. I hardly use 1 hour per day for revision & I still could sleep at 2 in th morning watching House &LA ink. I know I don't deserve flying colours because there's plenty other people mugging 24/7. So, its pretty impossible for me now. Let's welcome another break then! But just now, while my brothers were trying on new Levis, I asked Ibu, "So, another bet?"
"Bring it. Its not as if you're gonna get it. Look at your last times"
"Dahlah takpe". Cause I know I'm nowhere near her expectations.
"Okay, B4 all, 200 bucks. B3 all, 400"
"How about C5 & B4 200"
"We'll see how."
I'm not really in need of money so I couldn't care less. So motivation tactic failed.
I dunno what else could bring my mood up. I know lum can but she's pretty busy lately.

Anw, I ate 2 tomyums just now but both wasn't amazing.
Oh & Mother's day is coming! Ibu already bought gifts for all th other mothers but I couldn't see it cause sh was so darn free, sh alr wrapped it all up.
My brothers got their own plans for Ibu; my 2nd is baking a cake with his crushcrushcrush :D, 1st buying her Bonia, last, i'm not pretty sure.
I was planning to cook &try out a new recipe from Nigella Express.
But I'm not too sure now that there's a gathering on 11.
Maybe I'll try on th easy marshmellow dessert to bring it there.

Oh 2 more things;
NADRAH's BIRTHDAY's coming! Exactly in one month's time.
Oh, & Malay's O's ; 26th.
WHYWHYWHY???!!!

Labels: My hard head hates guys.