"Jangan macam lalang, tegak je. We must be flexible, open and approachable. If this is th character you portray, then its not their fault all of your relationship seems broken & th fact that you guys are not so close anymore."
How can ibu?!
Sh should know whats eating me up, what i had been preserving and these conditions I had tried t deal with.
We were talking about O's and once again, sh keep on dwelling about me not wishing Kak Ara for her ofcourse excellent 8 points.
I wanted to, I swear!
But Ibu should iiiisshhhh(clenched fist)...freakingly know how self-conscious i am with them.
Sh should comfort me, give me strength and basic support not babbling on my sickeningdespicableshameful kesilapan.
Sh too should know i cannot work under pressure.
If not, I'll be you know, focusing on th tension than th exam, itself.
Annnnnnnd th fact that i feel so small.
My cousins, almost all of them are from TKG generation and Kak Ara, Cedar.
I know we used t be so close, we bathe tgth and have th same pj and share our mk&a books and spend th night rolling off your queen-sized bed and pillow fights with 'medan peperangan' and want t share th same akazukin chacha character, although we didn't.
But th ditch between us so damn deep.
Now, it gets different.
I'm proud of you, really.
Infact, sometimes i look up to you as my role model.
Cause yeah ibu always speak about you all th time.
Its suffocating now i'm wondering what would happen in our upcoming bbq.
Sighsighsighsighsigh.



Its funny how people see you as someone you think you're not.
I always get compliment i have good face-offs.
nadrah; maybe you're th reason why i've been working on my acting skills.
Not that i wanna be an actress.
Its just this thing we girl fight about.
Anw, sometimes, i put on a mask because i think its real unnecessary for ppl t know what i feel.
Because, if we can avoid them, why not?
&So i remembered Rohani who keep calling me confident.
Everywhere! On my last testimonial, in class discussion, on my weekly presentation and my final speech.
Yeah, she's th woman who sings "top of th world, lookin.Down on creation& th only smthsmth that i have. Its th world that i found &th since you've been around,blahblahblah."
She's th one i keep looking forward t t every saturday.
Not forgetting Lopez.
No, Izzati, he's not yours.
Th first time he opened th building door, our eyes met for two seconds (which is quite long you know).
&he keep on hanging out at th doorway (i hope) t grab my attention.(&its not my fault i fell for it)
Th first day i registered for lessons, he peeped into class, t see who's my trainer.
&I can't get over him for weeks!
Haha. If you do not know, I like to comfort myself.
I do that all th time. Ask Ewee and Sem.
&All they do, is laugh it off.
But good thing they understand me.
Anw, back t Rohani.
Sh asked me what do i wanna be 20 years later.
&this triggered my conscience.
"Perhaps a director, i wanna show people what they're unsure of. I wanna snap into them real life. Nono, maybe marykate&ashley. Okay maybe Ashley. I wanna be a media face &once i have that in control, i can influence ppl abit more easily. Or should i be an ordinary person? Teacher definitely. I can instill good characteristics in them, for a better future, for th world, for themselves."
That was all i could think of that smack moment.
& sh was definitely hard on me.
Sh said, "No, Nafisah, you can't do that. When you want your dream t come true, you have t imagine real explicit scenes & specific ones. For example, director, you have t imagine you're on th chair, getting all Fucked up (yes sh said that) and scolding them for their egoness perhaps? You can't possibly catch two trains at a time."
Then i started t wonder, i have to make a choice.
I wanna do smth i couldn't get bored of, smth that makes me happy, smth that is incentive t th world, smth, ofcourse which could supply me with lots of kachings!
So, tadda! Psychologist.
But i dunno.
10 years t become a real professional one; like a doctor.
I dunno i can wait that long.
"Course of true love never did run smooth"
True love=psycho.
So lets do this!
:DDD

▲▲

Bare-faced whoknowswho, I don't do hypo.
Infact my facial expressions i let free.
They're self-explanatory, they could never tell another story.

Anw, this upcoming Sunday's Abg Ezad's wedding :DD
I have to go shop for a green BK alr.
& I'm excited about th class's fund-raising aid for poor countries thing if they're just as ghairah as me too.
I mean we can do lotsa stuffs like auctioning or race or fun-fair or contests or selling our hand-made cookies or not carwash!
I mean, its our graduation year, it can be our most memorable one right?
& I can't wait for prom too! (lets hope Ms Tham would put aside all th other problems sh think is going t be a big issue).
& if its gonna be approved, we going to prolly start hitting a chop sign to our futuretobe dresses.
Nolah, kidding.
There is obviously a more concerned issue which is going t result in more impactful, hopefullyfruitful future ahead.
LETS NOT FORGET THAT.
So (sigh), let's work tgth for a relieving grad night.

▲▲

Sometimes ppl forgot to ponder how would they be if they're in another's shoes.
& me, I suddenly choose not t be bothered as much anymore.
I know its important, whateverthmeaningoflife, but what's more,
it had betrayed my usedtobebeliefs and therefore,charred my faiths.
Sometimes we don't feel appreciated, you know.
&according th numerology book,
3 rarely reap th credits they deserve.
Abit sad. Alot i mean.
Giving in to please, i thought could help me relight th spark in my heart.
But again, it backfires.
Is it just life?
Or is it just them?
My incentives are worthless now t think about it.
&Th hypocrisy in this planet is so obvious, people actually, tend t only care about th one tinyoutofplace hair and their precious reflection.
&Sometimes too, you can't blame ppl for being judgmental because you have no clue how they had climbed upon, then fall sprawling and be patient enough t try again but landed flat on th ground and in th end found that earth, is not a place of reciprocal determination & trust.

&If you don't get it,
Then don't.
I mean, its nothing t crack th mind about or whatmakeabigfuckoutofit.

What if i do not have much time left?
& what if you do not know?
So what now can you do?

▲▲

1. What do you think of the most when
you are alone?
-Significanttobeother & some joyous
too-out of th world occasion.

2. When it is a rainy night, what do
you do most of the time?
-I hide. In my room.

3. When was the last time you were
out?
-Just. WM's Coffee Bean.

4. What do you do when you see a full
moon?
-Glare & at some desperate times, wish
real silently, its such a cover up;
people think i never play hopefuls.

5. Would you rather swim in the lake
or dive in the ocean?
-Lake.

6. Who would be the best partner you could cry on?
-Amalina, Ummu, used to always Nad. Sometimes I do on my own.

7. If you'll ask yourself a question
now, what would it be?
-What can you do?

8. If certain things in your life will
fall apart, what will you do?
-Either save them, or move on & make th
best out of it. Some I just don't care.

9. Favorite month/s?
-Junes

10. When your friends forget you, what
will you do?
-TRY not to get so personal or
judgmental about it. But usually, i get abit temperamental.

11. Do you talk to yourself?
-

12. Is there anything that you are
craving for right now?
-Th need t be needed.

13. Would you like to have a chocolate
right now?
-No.

14. Ever cried over something stupid?
-Who hasn't? But i believe when you cry
over smth, its not stupid in your life;
more like very important.

15. Do you like anime?
-I really have smth against them. Maybe
just some prospect of some disgusting
issues. Or i just like th idea of having
real actors than some unalive ones?

16. How about Japanese music?
-Ummu introduced me to it..or more like forced me to listen t them..
But I like Korean's better.

17. Do you have a girlfriend?
-Many.

18. First thing you do after watching
a movie?
-Wondering what would I do if I was in it..

19. Do you wash the dishes in your
house?
-Sometimes..

20. Can you last two days without a
bath?
-Haha, if i put my mind to it, sure,
Ofcourse! But why must I?

23. Still go to the mall with your
parents?
-Sometimes.

25. Are you brand conscious?
-Idunno.

26. Ever fell in love?
-Iguess.

27. What time is it?
-10

28. Where are you?
-Hall

29. Is it in you to kill someone?
-Haha, its what i verbally favour to
say. You know like, "Hiiish, feel like
slaughtering &then hang his head
somewhere back in th japanese occupation
over at th overhead bridge". Its very
dramatic but people seemed to understand
th prologue. But yeah, now I feel like gg on
a killing spree..maybe another halocaust.
Haha, no kidding.

30. Daydream a lot?
-No, not much. I have tough realization of life.

31. Happy with your life?
-Maybe.

32. Favorite place to eat in a mall?
-Depends.

33. So, what's been on your mind lately.
-some soul search and time and life and my future.

34. What makes you happy?
-I appreciate things quite easily.
(really, really). &i like th idea that
people are concern about me; like how
Celeste was th first one who searched
and hugged me for our west district
loss. It really touched me alot t think
that i was first in her mind.

35. So really, what can switch your bad
mood?
-Food &music. If you try and put humans infront of me,
it'll only make things worse..

Labels: I'm really dying.

▲▲

We wondered what's th most suitable name for each of us if we were born white.
I got Hilary (hopefully because they could somehow relate me with Hilary Clinton or Hilary Swank in freedom writers, NOT someDUFF?!).
Oh speaking about this, I'm a 1 & 3 in this numerology thing.
One's a leader and Three's a urghhh, shit i can't remember.
Anw, i'll specify more about this some other time cause i forgot t take Syaf's book home.

&Sometimes my eyes, they go weary-er,
Sometimes my laughs, they were th only thing that could rouse me.
&Prolly my facials, they betray most signs of puffiness.
Maybe i don't look lost but i'm in frantic search of sheersomethings.
& just maybe too, I really am afraid to opt choices.
Some rewarding moments, i know they're pretty meaningful,
But they stay for awhile.
Still how sentimental they are, their reliability issues are 10 to none.

Anyway, anyway Naf,
should stop emoing man!

So, Ms Yeong,
Swensens, Pizza Hut, Seoul Garden, NewYork2 or BaliThai ?
You can choose, but no Mac or kfc or Lj :DD
Haha, abit bad.
But 100bucks from each teachers not bad what huh?
& Fine, i admit you did help me in a certain way.
Haha, but still, don't run away from my my ONLYLITTLEPERSUASION ah.
Its no biggie to our mounting effort.
What's more, you did opt for disciplinemistress than your own cca .
So, th leasssstt you could do is, spend a little (:
Kidding. Stupid JSS put you disciplinemistress!

Oh &tmr flag day.
Tired shit.

▲▲

I am honestly pissed.
But i don't really think i should let it get me.
But i am just seriously F***ing pissed.
Whats up with people suckinguptoyourbutt then beingthkilleramongthunnoticed?
I mean, okay i'm alright with people sucking up but not having speculative intentions that discomforts you to hell!!
Sigh, i won't let it get me
Breathe in, out. In, out. Okay good job!

Actually i got alot to say.
BUT ALL TH MORE, I SHOULD KEEP IT TO MYSELF, RIGHT.
Thanks for damping my mood.

&thanks also for letting me know th world is fair.

▲▲

I woke up feeling this TINY(only, yes) bit guilty for not doing my malay homeworkS.
I mean i am definitely serious about th upcoming O's but NOT because some malay teacher who exaggerated our not doing her supposed 4 homeworks given, shefeeldukacitaabout.
Okay i understood why you cried, then stormed out of th class, then come back again because i think you really got bored with just sitting at th toilet bowl, prolly staring at th mirror, asking yourself how could they do this? type of thing.
&probably too it sedar-ed th rest of th class, but i am just not impacted.
Though i was th one who wrote Maafkan kami on th board &all, it was merely to make you feel better. I hoped i was still in HMT so i do not need to sit through her lessons, unconvinced we're going to get distinction for malay.
I MEAN COME ON!

& so after school, waited for Sem with Ewee, Tiara &Arf.
I love Tiara cause sh talks alot of crap.
But entertaining ones; well some people don't succeed in doing that.
&I love her psychology-ustazah thing.
I mean when you love a person, either you see th chemistry or you guys share some similar interest or you guys each knows how t have fun tgth or etc etc.
& I love Ewee too! ( Bet sh knows why)
& I love Sema alsssooooooo (Obviously sh knows why)
& Syaf and Arf and itwouldtakeatleast1hourtolistall.
And THANKS SEM FOR TH LETTER :DDDD
You're everything i could ever have in a bestfriend you know, :DDDDDDDDD

Okay so now, i decided t finish my malay & just give myself some deserved quality time after th hectic start of th year :DD
Sem do knows why from her letter.

Oh and perhaps i am being over-sensitive and selfish.
Haha, yes all my fault.
Well, always my fault.
But please you fuckingbastard you think you innocentmonkmigratedfromChina you gayirresponsibleactcute you think youbroughtthvictorytothschool you asshole shit!
I don't give a fucking tuck what you feel.
So think back and figure why we hate you.
And recognition?
Find your own!
&wanna know more?
Just be prepared cause you can't bloody win.
Have a nice remaining year.

▲▲

I really don't see th rational in violence.
I believe its dumb.
I believe its childish, immature, exaggerated & well, too sissy.
You might think that you can get away with this with some few witnesses lies now.
But karma will do its cycle; just maybe it's not patrolling your sins now i guess.
But believe me, karma's not blind.
We are not too :DD
You've turned my perception on you to sub-zero coldness.
So much for feeling good about what you're doing.
Sigh, why? why? WHY?!
You are on fault, you know.
Why cover th truth?
Afraid of just?
& you know too he's never on th guilt.
Hands down.
I can't crack your whateverseemingjoke you're smiling about.

&this is just how genocides in Rwanda immersed.
Because of people with no brain with no complete control of themselves.
*Sigh again.

▲▲

I'm still th happiest girl in th world.
Okay, maybe with th rest of th squad.
But you know what makes me this ecstatic?
Th victory shows that no matter where you stand, whatever your background is, how smart you are or how hard you had fell to th ground before, these are never th criterias of winning.
When faith and hardwork works together, it knows no bounds.
Impossible is nothing.
We've proved it.
&this had made me stronger.
It makes me believe in myself like never before.
Yes and I am very proud.
Of myself & my other beautiful squadmates.
All of your hatred towards me paid off, those never-ending drenched trgs, those fights and unhappiness against each other, those sometimes sweet and often too sour moments are legend.
WE ARE LEGEND.
&I love you guys for making this dream come true.
(not that i won't love you guys if we didn't, but yeah, literally you know)
Thanks for putting in th best effort& help me out to lead and finish th choreography.
Esp people like Peiling, Syaf, Celeste, YingYan.
&th rest too for persisting through and endure.
We want thank our welfare who give us th best support &care!
Kathy, Fatimah, Man Wei &Sema :DD
Th seniors, for giving us unconditional time, attention, full support & th extended help we ever need.
Th teachers for much vitamin c's and door-locking/unlocking chasingout experience.
We're grateful.
Thanks for th wishes, from th juniors as well as th ones outside RC.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

▲▲

Okay lemme keep myself tight for awhile.
Anw, i'll guide you through th day we've been praying for.

Abah sent me t school today at 6.30 &th anticipation was rising damn quick.
Our hearts were beating multiple fast, our muscles wouldn't stay still even a wee bit second, we were dancing all disgusting moves that our body could think of but th best of all, we were treating each other as a team. More than that actually.
We tried a few rounds of fancy before boarding th bus &nothingcommendableatthatmoement.
So we prayed hard. It was so intense everyone(almost) was staring out th window emo-ing or for better usage, in deep thought.
We got there grinning, because, we want t look as intimidating as possible.
Haha, you know t live up t our standard.
We even got spies from other schools &what more there's news gg ard saying ours was very spectacular way before today itself.
Spies; explains it all.

Anw after preliminary round, results was heart-breaking.
We didn't get west-zone champ &everyone was silently crying.
For 6yrs imagine, maintaining our name.
This year didn't make it.
But we got into Top 8 with Cedar,RafflesG, Evergreen, Unity,TKS, St Margs and one more.
So to th finals.
Everyone was moodless and empty with red eyes.
I was too but i figure it would won't be worth it.
So buck them up, lift their spirits up high, &carve into their brains th significance of being confident which was th beauty of any performance.
& according to YHui, when sh saw how fierce i was executing th fancy, sh did it too.
And i guess posture was waaaaaaaaaaay better for th 2nd round.
then everyone was emo again cause they thought they did worse so no hope of winning at all.
But me &Yhui were just entertaining ourselves by convo-ing.
&I was pretty neutral about it all, i mean th comp.
Then parade cum result.
They announced th 8th to 4th position when we predicted to be called.
No name, &so tears weld up.
3rd was good enough.
But then still no name called.
It was Cedar.
& i was breathing so dramatically Dori could hear.
Then 2nd was RGS!!!!!
THEN i started crying.
Yes crying. In th squad in senang diri position under eyes of audience & judges or whatever important or non-important people there.
WE'VE TRASHED CEDAR & RGS & UNITY!!!
WE'RE TH NATIONAL CHAMPION!
YES, OVERALL CHAMPION! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
FINALLY! JURONG!
After 10 years, we've proven ourselves.
MYGODDDDD! ITS STILL SO DIVINE.
See i told you guys victory did taste so sweet.
&So we're GOH for World Red Cross day :D
And Mrs Chong hugged me -.-
Everyone else hugged everyone else.
It was my best day guys.
Thanks for making it possible man (:
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
I'm still in awe.



So yeah?
We did CHAMPION TALKS all th way.
& we do not care how public look at us when we share our stories loudly.
This is once in a lifetime, worth training for, worth bragging about.
No words could describe my mood :D
So smiles would do.

▲▲

I'm in health &fitness club!? It says because i'm underweight.
"Haha yeah like what am i gonna do? Eat a gourmet every recess time?" Naf
"Serious, serious. They will provide food and maybe drink those you know, fattening milk"Mr Lee
"Right, why? I'm fit man! " Naf

Sighsigh. As embarrassing as it gets, I think its freaking enviable :D
If they are going to succeed in making me normal, i would be thankful i step into JSS.
&I tried for my whole life &nothing worked!
So good luck there.
But its not as if i'm starving myself or going on this self-inspired diet or anything related.
Infact, Ewee says it'll be a miracle if there's one point of time i wouldn't be hungry.
&I have muscles in my leg cause i march and i run and i do frantic movements that automatically help myself stabilizing mywhatyoucall? underweightness!
&so i bet Jurong really do not know how else to spend its 5million bucks by being th futureschool of Singapore.
I mean, you can give us prolly 200 each because we're th one who brought th whole school to a whole new name.
&we can't experience whatever renovations thats gonna finish like 2yrs later?
Like indoor sports hall and tablet for everyone or crashing down Jurong Town for more futuristic classrooms or innovative studios!
All they could think of is supplying underweight theythinkpoorlyfed students.
Sucks to be a Jurong huh.

Okay anyway,
7 MORE HOURS!
& Nerve-wrecking, intimidating, anonymous HORROR!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm scared.
No I'm excited.
Nonono, more like panic-striken.
Or maybe petrified?
Okay, shaken.
Nevermind, its scared & terrified & anxious & jittery & charged & OKAY CALM.
&now i have a slight fever.
BUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

SERAM NYER!!!!!!!!!

▲▲

This week is th common test week.
I DID make a deal with Abah.
I said I wanna lappy. But everybody else contended my bet.
Shit brothers. Just because they will be getting theirs only this year.
So I switch it to urmmmm an ipod instead?
Nevermind.
Anw, Abah just bought a new canon camera.
A silver one.& i can't wait to lay my hands on it :DD

I never ever get to set my mind on th study mood.
You know although i want to, but i cannot drive myself just focusing on whatfreakingwordsinblackandwhite! & those unalive things.
Th extent i went was memorising 5 pages of written geog&ss crap in my notebook.
I only enjoy doing lit tests, okay for today only.
Why? Because i was so serene and unconstrained because i had put my brain into th ready-mode for lotsa love impression that i could let free on th paper :D
Though i get sick of th love theme, i was pouring out my opinions whole-heartedly.
&I was freaking frustrated with Ms Phua!
She had always been listening to what i wanted to say about Shakespeare or stupid Helena with bastard Demetrius!
But today, when i spoke to her my conception, she wasn't giving a listening ear.
& everyone was laughing cause th way i got agitated with her ignorance was well, overated.
*roll eyes.
Just maybe she wants th class to quieten down before i deliver my insignificant views.
Well, thank you!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I forgot how i could lose myself to laughing out loud & surrender to th delirious mood.
I remembered it back today :DDDD

▲▲

You know somethings changes for th better.
My life did(abit atleast) &i hope it'll be brighter though you know, i know, we know things come&go, rise&fall, fight&make-up, smile&frown, found&gotlostalongthway.
I'm worried damn much about my future.
How i had change is just a pretty good example.
I mean, change isn't in our hands
But th options are all ours to control.
Catastrophies that had happened to me is forgoodnesssake! so not idealistic.
&i swear i didn't see all of that coming.
I mean, how people prospect me or just treat me th way they do, is out of my remote.
But instead of cursing&dwell on it, man! Look on th bright side!
I know it took me atleast 10years to contemplate on everything, but everyone else can realize it now & learn from others mistakes.
Life, it had made me stronger.
My hope, they ever got lost, too much of a time.
But i could, every single time trace back my steps & recover my faith.

But could you now?
Before its too late?
C'mon! snapsnapsnapsnapsnap out of it!

Anw, Pictures of CNY eve. (some taken from class blog:D)
&More with Fara.









Yesyes, HAPPY CNY!
15DAYS minus 4days so, 11 MORE DAYS TO go!
:DDDDDDD
To th Chinese, i mean.