on loop

hi blog, haven't blogged in the longest time. to the extent that i spent a good 30min trying to figure out my email/userid and password. really miss it. looked through the posts and realised i kinda miss my blog. things are so different now. i'd definitely want to go back to 2 years ago where everything was so new and simple. and well, nothing mattered that much to me then. friends were great, we led out own lives. people were nice. i don't know if it's with age or whatsoever, i'm getting so tired and jaded with life. and people's been asking how come i seem so different/tired/aged all of the sudden. i usually just tell them "really? i don't know." but i guess the person asking me probably knows the reason, i know the reason, but there's nothing i can really do about it. i think i thought i found a purpose, a purpose that people tell me is clouding my vision. i don't know, maybe it really is. sometimes i see it, sometimes i don't. i just don't know what to do anymore. and just sit there and hope that there is still goodness in people and everything will solve itself and become better.

today, my uncle asked me how am i going to sustain my life style. i froze for a moment and tried to shrug it off by saying "i'll worry about it next time." but i couldn't stop thinking about it since then. i need to think of a way soon. at least before i graduate. guess my parents really pampered me too much. knew it was going to be a prob soon or later.

today is suppose to be a happy happy day. but somehow, i still feel mildly depressed. one lil sad/bad thing can ruin an entire an entire world of happiness. oh wells...

i am still very very very grateful for my parents giving me what i want (most of the time) and giving me a big big christmas/new year prezzie, exactly what i wanted, kinda. and my super "cool" haircut, no one laughed at me so far, other than receiving some jaw dropping kinda stares. and getting act cool shades at last. hahaha. exams are over. getting a fat ang pow from my grandpa for a fully sponsored trip by my mum. my dad giving me another sub card of my choice. life should be real good for me now. but strangely, i don't really feel the joy of it. i mean i did grin spasticly to myself for maybe 5mins or so today, apart from that, i just felt blah all day. bleah. am i sinking into depression or what.

just wondering what exactly is enough?
trying your best? doing all that you can? or, what you think it's worth.
sometimes i think i tend to try too hard. trying to put everything together. so that everyone will be happy. some how, it just collapses on me every now and then. when i think that things are finally going well, it just comes crashing down again. it's probably something that's called reality, btw if you haven't heard, she's a bitch. this is getting too tiring. too tired to carry on, yet i care to much to let go.
some times, even your best is just not enough. and no matter how hard you try. you just fail. lessons have to be learnt. the heart will be broken(repeatedly). tears will be shed. face overwhelming disappointment.
but i'd still like to believe that, there can be no rainbow without the rain. and only in darkness, can you see the stars.

what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. but then again sometimes i really wish it did...

sigh. studying just makes me think super depressive thoughts. and i'm probably a bit hormonal too. oh wells.

can't decide which version i like better. hmmm. but i know for sure, i don't like the original version. hahaaha.

some things are just way beyond my comprehension. i wonder why some people behave this way and some behave the other. i don't get the rationale behind it. maybe i'm still an egocentric adolescent or sth. haha. i just don't geddit! it's puzzling. so puzzling to me.

just a thought that's been hanging around for a while.

ok back to studying.

feel like going to nyu for summer prog alone next year! think i'm going mad. but i wanna do it!