Stunning. x
Thursday, August 01, 2013
Love & Lust.
I will never be quite able to understand the reason behind those moments in which melancholy invades my pores- mockingly penetrating my soul too easily, sinking into the utmost profoundness of my chest. I cannot manage to figure out why I feel so empty, as if every emotion that was ever present in me had been drained from my person, leaving an almost empty body where only affliction and nostalgia reign.
If I look around me today, I can say I have at my disposition everything one needs in order to be happy. But hidden, almost impalpable, lies the ever-present question that troubles me hour by hour, day after day: What is happiness, and how is it achieved? It is a concept so abstract and complex that I frequently doubt its existence. Is there in this world a person who can be called unconditionally happy? And if there is, what is their secret?
Not long ago I discovered that lust, like love, could be found in those sad and deserted corners where no one dares to look. I discovered also that they can be easily mistaken for one another, and when that happens, a toxic restlessness is created. A feeling of uneasiness that expands into every particle of your body, that blurs coherent thoughts and weakens you in the knees, that makes you want to jump into the sky and cry at the same time. The endlessly addictive pain of love and lust is probably the most profound and consuming type of pain; but also the most satisfactory one.
And in those moments of insatiable passion I lose my mind. I am yours, only yours. I lose myself in your lips that irradiate vibrant desire and I let them go through my whole body, asking you, begging you for more. I stand marveled, discovering yours, which ignites in me the ardent flame of curiosity. I like to discover every little piece of you, to memorize your essence and your taste, to capture in my memory your expressions that embody pure pleasure, experience the rejoicing of senses that having you by my side is. I enjoy paralyzing you with satisfaction, swooning you with delight, feeling that for one minute, you entirely belong to me. We were never as human as we are in this moment. Never did we let ourselves be driven by this overwhelming desire, immersing ourselves completely in one another. Not thinking about what will happen tomorrow, but absorbing pleasure in its purest and more genuine form, intoxicated by the delirium that consumes us. But that “tomorrow” always arrives.
And for some strange reason you find yourself even emptier than you were before. Even more confused, even more fearful. Suddenly you don’t know what you feel or why you feel it. With every passing day you become a little more broken, a little more swaddled in your eternal doubts that remain unanswered. You start to lose the sense of reality, and secretly you wonder if you are losing your head with it.
So you grasp on to the emotions of that moment of fervent passion as if they were the only ones you ever felt; the dominate you completely and entirely. You have ceased to be the Master of your feelings. This realization, shocks you, it anguishes you. Go away, before the damage you make to your soul becomes irreparable. Go away, before that last cigarette burns out your lungs
(Reposted from: Thought Catalog )
If I look around me today, I can say I have at my disposition everything one needs in order to be happy. But hidden, almost impalpable, lies the ever-present question that troubles me hour by hour, day after day: What is happiness, and how is it achieved? It is a concept so abstract and complex that I frequently doubt its existence. Is there in this world a person who can be called unconditionally happy? And if there is, what is their secret?
Not long ago I discovered that lust, like love, could be found in those sad and deserted corners where no one dares to look. I discovered also that they can be easily mistaken for one another, and when that happens, a toxic restlessness is created. A feeling of uneasiness that expands into every particle of your body, that blurs coherent thoughts and weakens you in the knees, that makes you want to jump into the sky and cry at the same time. The endlessly addictive pain of love and lust is probably the most profound and consuming type of pain; but also the most satisfactory one.
And in those moments of insatiable passion I lose my mind. I am yours, only yours. I lose myself in your lips that irradiate vibrant desire and I let them go through my whole body, asking you, begging you for more. I stand marveled, discovering yours, which ignites in me the ardent flame of curiosity. I like to discover every little piece of you, to memorize your essence and your taste, to capture in my memory your expressions that embody pure pleasure, experience the rejoicing of senses that having you by my side is. I enjoy paralyzing you with satisfaction, swooning you with delight, feeling that for one minute, you entirely belong to me. We were never as human as we are in this moment. Never did we let ourselves be driven by this overwhelming desire, immersing ourselves completely in one another. Not thinking about what will happen tomorrow, but absorbing pleasure in its purest and more genuine form, intoxicated by the delirium that consumes us. But that “tomorrow” always arrives.
And for some strange reason you find yourself even emptier than you were before. Even more confused, even more fearful. Suddenly you don’t know what you feel or why you feel it. With every passing day you become a little more broken, a little more swaddled in your eternal doubts that remain unanswered. You start to lose the sense of reality, and secretly you wonder if you are losing your head with it.
So you grasp on to the emotions of that moment of fervent passion as if they were the only ones you ever felt; the dominate you completely and entirely. You have ceased to be the Master of your feelings. This realization, shocks you, it anguishes you. Go away, before the damage you make to your soul becomes irreparable. Go away, before that last cigarette burns out your lungs
(Reposted from: Thought Catalog )
Thursday, July 25, 2013
So, many people must be visiting this site a lot less.
Well, i used to be so engrossed in having an online site and trying to be liked on cyberspace.
I guess things are a little different now, i find validation in the ones i love most.
Real people, Real feelings.
I have matured a fair bit since im hitting the big TWO ZERO this year.
LIKE AHHHMAAAGAAADDDD.
20??? I USED TO BE A KID WRITING THIS BLOG. HAHAHA.
Well, i instagram alot more than i blog.
And recent updates, changed my majors from marketing and management to banking and accounting.
Hopefully, change is good in this instance.
Well, i have a private blog of course but that said.
I will update this space....every now and then.
Well, i used to be so engrossed in having an online site and trying to be liked on cyberspace.
I guess things are a little different now, i find validation in the ones i love most.
Real people, Real feelings.
I have matured a fair bit since im hitting the big TWO ZERO this year.
LIKE AHHHMAAAGAAADDDD.
20??? I USED TO BE A KID WRITING THIS BLOG. HAHAHA.
Well, i instagram alot more than i blog.
And recent updates, changed my majors from marketing and management to banking and accounting.
Hopefully, change is good in this instance.
Well, i have a private blog of course but that said.
I will update this space....every now and then.
Friday, May 31, 2013
'
The way your sweet smell lingers when you leave the room
Stories you tell as we lay in bed all afternoon
I dream you now, every night, in my mind is where we meet
And when I'm awake staring at pictures of you asleep
Touching your face
Invading your space
They're part of the list
Things that I miss
things like your funny little laugh or the way you smile or the way we kiss
what
I notice is this
I come up with
Something new every single time that I sit and reminisce
Oh
Will you live in my memories forevermore I swear
and you live in my memories forevermore I swear
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
" All or nothing ".
We chose the sad fact of nothing.
I will cut away the ties which bound me so closely to you once.
I will make it the most painful separation for myself.
I want to remember this pain in my heart forever.
They day when i turned from a believer into a complete cynic.
We tried so fucking hard for the second time.
Amid harsh criticism from unknown people, friends and family.
Only to see it slip away from something that i thought could be fixed.
You told me you loved me and would never give this up as long as i was still holding on.
But, you gave up on me eventually.
You gave up on us.
Because of all those reasons you felt we couldn't work despite me calling them " minor issues which needed time and didn't require a reason for a break-up."
Every time i offered you my hand, pathetic and stripped of my self-dignity, i was faced with the recurring answer of " No."
I only have myself to blame for the way things turned out.... you told me that.
Every action i do is wrong in your eyes, from the way i behaved.you, to the friends i had.... to the very core essential person i am,
Every. Single. Action.
Of mine irked you.
Maybe i should thank you for breaking me into a million pieces because right now, i don't even know how to fix myself or anyone for that matter.
I cried alot over these past weekend, more often than not, woken up in the middle of the night with a restless heart and a wandering mind.
My thoughts always drifted towards you and how you were doing.
I guess i'm no longer of any importance or placing in your life, M.
So, i'm leaving your life and disappearing to make yours easier.
I was the mistake all along, never you.
Sorry for being inadequate.
Sorry for being so flawed.
Sorry for other things that needs an apology from me.
I wish you happiness and love found beyond me.
I will always love you and know that you're my soulmate.
Nothing can ever change that till the day i close my eyes forever.
We chose the sad fact of nothing.
I will cut away the ties which bound me so closely to you once.
I will make it the most painful separation for myself.
I want to remember this pain in my heart forever.
They day when i turned from a believer into a complete cynic.
We tried so fucking hard for the second time.
Amid harsh criticism from unknown people, friends and family.
Only to see it slip away from something that i thought could be fixed.
You told me you loved me and would never give this up as long as i was still holding on.
But, you gave up on me eventually.
You gave up on us.
Because of all those reasons you felt we couldn't work despite me calling them " minor issues which needed time and didn't require a reason for a break-up."
Every time i offered you my hand, pathetic and stripped of my self-dignity, i was faced with the recurring answer of " No."
I only have myself to blame for the way things turned out.... you told me that.
Every action i do is wrong in your eyes, from the way i behaved.you, to the friends i had.... to the very core essential person i am,
Every. Single. Action.
Of mine irked you.
Maybe i should thank you for breaking me into a million pieces because right now, i don't even know how to fix myself or anyone for that matter.
I cried alot over these past weekend, more often than not, woken up in the middle of the night with a restless heart and a wandering mind.
My thoughts always drifted towards you and how you were doing.
I guess i'm no longer of any importance or placing in your life, M.
So, i'm leaving your life and disappearing to make yours easier.
I was the mistake all along, never you.
Sorry for being inadequate.
Sorry for being so flawed.
Sorry for other things that needs an apology from me.
I wish you happiness and love found beyond me.
I will always love you and know that you're my soulmate.
Nothing can ever change that till the day i close my eyes forever.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I was looking in the mirror a few days ago at my mom’s house, because being in a different house with different mirrors — full-length mirrors, at that — really helped me see where I’ve made huge strides in losing 23 pounds since February. I actually see a fitter girl now. I can physically see a skinny girl coming together. And you would think that would make me feel overjoyed, freaking amazing, ready to run a marathon because I’m so excited by the prospect of finally being where I’ve always wanted to be. And to a certain extent it does, but there’s another part that looms saying that prospect is scary.
Terrifying, even, because of one thing. I don’t know how to BE a skinny girl.
And that sounds weird to say. There shouldn’t and isn’t really a way of “being” a skinny girl or a fat girl. You just develop your personality the way you develop it, and for some that means different things than for others. But the thing is, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t overweight. I started gaining a lot of weight when I was about 12, and went up and down throughout the next 10 years of my life. I got used to being the fat friend, the fat classmate, the fat family member.
And those weren’t all necessarily negative roles to me, I just adapted to them. I learned to accept the fact that I would never fit into clothes at Wet Seal, where my 4’11″, 95-pound friend could shop, or any of my other naturally skinny friends. I learned to accept that I wouldn’t get hit on at the water park or restaurants, or get asked to dances. That’s just how it was. I had pretty good friends who accepted me the way I was, a family that loved me the way I was, so why be that invested in changing it? Too much work.
But my personality developed around those roles. I learned to use sarcasm, self-deprecation and dry wit to gain people’s affection, making them laugh. I learned nuanced details about friends that others didn’t take the time to do, and I was always, ALWAYS there for them. I learned to seek out the misfits like I felt I was, and let irritation and jealousy take over when it came to the girls I secretly wanted to be more like. I learned to dislike them for their popularity with boys, for the way their clothes would always look better than mine, for the bikinis they wore all summer. I would never be those girls, so I might as well hate them (though hate is a strong word… I just strongly disliked them). But now I’m faced with the prospect of being one of them, and I have no idea what that means. I find I don’t know how to shop for my body anymore, because it’s so different, but not yet where I want it to be. I don’t need to shop exclusively for shirts that don’t show my stomach. I don’t need to compensate with my boobs so much. I don’t have to shy away from tank tops and tube tops and shorts as much anymore.
But that isn’t how I’ve ever dressed my body, so it’s all completely foreign. How much can I show off without being at goal weight? Will I ever feel okay wearing a bikini? How short of shorts are too short? Will people think I’m slutty, like I used to think of some of those girls? God, I was a judgmental little jerk. How can I not feel like a hypocrite if I turn to this lifestyle? I know I’m over-thinking it all. I know that it’s not about all of this — it’s about being healthier, happier, more confident. And all of those things are happening. But the tangential feelings still matter, and they’re still scary as hell. It’s like getting to know yourself all over again. But at least, so far, I like the new me. That’s a positive step as well.
From Thought Catalog.
Terrifying, even, because of one thing. I don’t know how to BE a skinny girl.
And that sounds weird to say. There shouldn’t and isn’t really a way of “being” a skinny girl or a fat girl. You just develop your personality the way you develop it, and for some that means different things than for others. But the thing is, I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t overweight. I started gaining a lot of weight when I was about 12, and went up and down throughout the next 10 years of my life. I got used to being the fat friend, the fat classmate, the fat family member.
And those weren’t all necessarily negative roles to me, I just adapted to them. I learned to accept the fact that I would never fit into clothes at Wet Seal, where my 4’11″, 95-pound friend could shop, or any of my other naturally skinny friends. I learned to accept that I wouldn’t get hit on at the water park or restaurants, or get asked to dances. That’s just how it was. I had pretty good friends who accepted me the way I was, a family that loved me the way I was, so why be that invested in changing it? Too much work.
But my personality developed around those roles. I learned to use sarcasm, self-deprecation and dry wit to gain people’s affection, making them laugh. I learned nuanced details about friends that others didn’t take the time to do, and I was always, ALWAYS there for them. I learned to seek out the misfits like I felt I was, and let irritation and jealousy take over when it came to the girls I secretly wanted to be more like. I learned to dislike them for their popularity with boys, for the way their clothes would always look better than mine, for the bikinis they wore all summer. I would never be those girls, so I might as well hate them (though hate is a strong word… I just strongly disliked them). But now I’m faced with the prospect of being one of them, and I have no idea what that means. I find I don’t know how to shop for my body anymore, because it’s so different, but not yet where I want it to be. I don’t need to shop exclusively for shirts that don’t show my stomach. I don’t need to compensate with my boobs so much. I don’t have to shy away from tank tops and tube tops and shorts as much anymore.
But that isn’t how I’ve ever dressed my body, so it’s all completely foreign. How much can I show off without being at goal weight? Will I ever feel okay wearing a bikini? How short of shorts are too short? Will people think I’m slutty, like I used to think of some of those girls? God, I was a judgmental little jerk. How can I not feel like a hypocrite if I turn to this lifestyle? I know I’m over-thinking it all. I know that it’s not about all of this — it’s about being healthier, happier, more confident. And all of those things are happening. But the tangential feelings still matter, and they’re still scary as hell. It’s like getting to know yourself all over again. But at least, so far, I like the new me. That’s a positive step as well.
From Thought Catalog.
Thursday, May 02, 2013
Little bit lost and...
A little bit lonely
Little bit cold here
A little bit feared
But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can
Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am
Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a good day
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Forever x
I love this picture of us :')
You suggested that i flipped your picture so we looked like reflections of each other.
Just know that you complete me, moses.
I want to be with you, more than anybody else in this world.
We tried lovely thai food at S & T thai gourmet restaurant yesterday! (Guys if you do visit perth and crave thai food, you know where to gooooo!)
The tomyum soup is zeee BOMB...so damn good and authentic!!! I could have finished it all on my own if he wasn't there xD
It had generous servings of scallops, mussels and mushrooms!
Liked their red curry too! Needs more heat though.
Pineapple fried rice was pretty ordinary though :/
Us after 10 hours of studying.....
Thank you for buying bubble tea, snacks and being my source of support through the uni assignments :*
The fact that we both have part-time jobs currently means we can treat each other and that makes our dinner dates happen more frequent now.... I love it.
Well, i have been busy with spending time with M, school / uni and work work work or if not, the gym.
Thats how i spend my time everyday :-)
Yeah, boring ole' me. But hey at least i'm happy with my life now!!
Come july, it would have been close to a year since i've known M.
A year feels like only the start to greater things ahead.
I don't really celebrate monthsaries with M like how i usually did with all my old bfs.
I guess being with M changed me alot and i'm so damn grateful everyday to have a person who has seen me at my worst and best. I truly truly love him.
We have had our fair share of shit thrown at us ( Well, we deal it together everyday) but i guess one thing is clear: We both know that we NEED each other.
I was always one to be hesitant about love and not giving 100% but with M, he made me know that he is mine at the end of the day and he loves me more than words can express.
For the first time in my life, he could actually possibly be my hubby or something i see going far.
I think people will say i'm crazy but how would you feel if you felt like you met your soulmate?
Someone whom you feel like you could connect like never before?
It is so hard for me to explain in words.
You would have to feel it to know it.
I'm just glad that everything worked well between us and to naysayers, I want to tell you that it has been more than a month since we got back together. Take your shit and scram.
I love him more than anything else in this world. Thats all that matters :)
Him and Me at San Churros.
Like what i said on my instagram:
My favourite things in the whole world:
My Boo and Chocolate ♥
Love the fact that you surprises me by buying a milk chocolate fairy wand (HAHA HOW CUTE IS THAT) and my fave chai latté with an extra sprinkle of cinammon ( just the way i like it).
Love how we cook together:
Remembering how you love Porterhouse steaks /
and i would buy it before you sleep over so that we can cook it together, hehe :')
SO glad to have met you, Moses Danesh Ganesan.
You are the love of my life.
You are the love of my life.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I tend to get especially pensive at night.
I guess i like the night a lot better.
When there's less people and less noise.....when the whole world dies down and all you hear are your thoughts and yourself.
Its like someone turned the off button on the world momentarily.
I'm at a juncture of my life where everything involves taking a risk and not knowing if it works out.
Be it my studies, what i will be in the future, my relationships, etc.
I just pray it all leads to something good.
Another night and i have an assignment due this friday.
Working and gymming and studying...life is a routine for me.
But i kinda like routine sometimes...at least nothing surprises or throw me off guard that much.
I quite like it.
I guess i like the night a lot better.
When there's less people and less noise.....when the whole world dies down and all you hear are your thoughts and yourself.
Its like someone turned the off button on the world momentarily.
I'm at a juncture of my life where everything involves taking a risk and not knowing if it works out.
Be it my studies, what i will be in the future, my relationships, etc.
I just pray it all leads to something good.
Another night and i have an assignment due this friday.
Working and gymming and studying...life is a routine for me.
But i kinda like routine sometimes...at least nothing surprises or throw me off guard that much.
I quite like it.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Her body is like calligraphy
All smooth hard lines
And you wish you could
Paint the words you want to say
On her skin so it will
Seep into her veins and
Go to her heart so she
Will never forget that
She is the most amazing thing
You have ever seen
And as you listen to her breathe
And as you listen to her breathe
You can hear the little songbird
In her rib cage is flapping about
And beating its wings against the
Inside of her chest
And in little bursts of joy and excitement
You can hear it sing
“I love you”
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Hello guys, i will be arriving back to Singapore on 2nd July with my dearest b, Moses!
Yes, we decided to drop BKK and we did consider Melbourne but we missed our bakchormee too much that we settled for SG.
Plus, we know what's good already. HAHAHA.
I'm so glad that im his girlfriend, his world, his sweetheart, the one he showers his affection upon.
Everyday, i wake up being grateful and feeling utterly blessed and contented to be this wonderful person.
Though our r/s is one of the most trying ones out there, i really wouldn't have it any other way.
yes, it would be nice if his friends or his family liked us being in a r/s but i guess, time will only tell if they really see that i do love him too and this is not some kind of a ride im taking him on.
Moses is my soulmate and i have NEVER been loved so deeply and in turn, love as deeply as i did.
All my past relationships and who i was when i was with xx or yy was all so different.
I guess thats how life is.
you are like a piece of clay, constantly getting moulded by experiences you get through daily, monthly or even yearly. It is these small moments that define your character and in term to come, your values.
Being with Moses opened my eyes to what truly was Love.
Being with Moses makes me feel empowered and protected at the same time.
No one can EVER give me the happiness and love he has given me and i know that for sure.
All i know is that this is something worth the fight. Every time.
Moses, if you do read this, you know how much i love and i'm IN LOVE with you :')
Yes, we decided to drop BKK and we did consider Melbourne but we missed our bakchormee too much that we settled for SG.
Plus, we know what's good already. HAHAHA.
I'm so glad that im his girlfriend, his world, his sweetheart, the one he showers his affection upon.
Everyday, i wake up being grateful and feeling utterly blessed and contented to be this wonderful person.
Though our r/s is one of the most trying ones out there, i really wouldn't have it any other way.
yes, it would be nice if his friends or his family liked us being in a r/s but i guess, time will only tell if they really see that i do love him too and this is not some kind of a ride im taking him on.
Moses is my soulmate and i have NEVER been loved so deeply and in turn, love as deeply as i did.
All my past relationships and who i was when i was with xx or yy was all so different.
I guess thats how life is.
you are like a piece of clay, constantly getting moulded by experiences you get through daily, monthly or even yearly. It is these small moments that define your character and in term to come, your values.
Being with Moses opened my eyes to what truly was Love.
Being with Moses makes me feel empowered and protected at the same time.
No one can EVER give me the happiness and love he has given me and i know that for sure.
All i know is that this is something worth the fight. Every time.
Moses, if you do read this, you know how much i love and i'm IN LOVE with you :')
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