Fault Lines

Our flaws are the hidden fault lines, submerged beneath the surface, at which the frictions of life gnaw into implosion. They are also the lines on which God chooses to work, piecing together the bits of us that were broken long ago, and lay broken. So we live on each day, struggling and surrendering, in hope of his mind's vision inching to perfection - or perhaps returning to a primitive memory- that the earth was once whole. That you and I were once made whole. Once, the plates were not fractured, our hopes were not inundated, our hearts were not raw from loss, our strength did not fail us.

Fathers & Mothers

During church camp, I asked God about which church I should be in. It's been an open question for about two years, but being the INFP with the penchant for keeping options open, its not that an uncomfortable position to be in. hehe.

"Fathers and mothers."

Huh? That's all I heard, and I thought to myself it contained the secret to something deeper, but I left it, as usual.

On 30 July during a church service, God finally finished the sentence. During worship I heard him say, "there are fathers and mothers waiting to arise in this church, but the children have left. it's time for them to come home."

Then Ps Gladwin preached about "Abba" - we were on a sermon series on the different names of God. There is a kind of ache which resounds when you know you've hit on a truth. Talking to Tessa last Sunday, she told me about the recurrent messages from speakers all over the world- that the only name Jesus used to refer to God and reveal him was "Father". By no other name did Jesus refer to his God; which must mean something!

The last verse in the Old Testament was also, Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes. And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of children to their fathers... (Malachi 4:5-6)

Have never seen this verse before! SO exciting when God shows you something new that was sitting there all along.

Secrets

Who is the man who fears the Lord?
Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.
His soul shall abide in well-being,
And his offspring shall inherit the land.
The friendship (secret counsel) of the Lord is for those who fear him,
And he makes known to them his covenant.
Psalm 25:12-14

Rediscovering this verse anew. With a thankful, thankful heart.

Wait, hope?

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:29-31 ESV)

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5 ESV)

Wait = qavah.

Outline of Biblical Usage:

1) to wait, look for, hope, expect

1) to wait or look eagerly for

2) to lie in wait for

3) to wait for, linger for

2) to collect, bind together

The word wait was synonymous with hope in some versions. In English they are completely different words. But Waiting in the Hebrew connoted expectation. Abraham waited on the Lord as he travelled to the place of sacrifice/worship, because he didn't know where that place was when he started on his journey! 

He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him. On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. (Genesis 22:2-4 ESV)

He expected God to show him the place. He collected and bound together the the stones and fire wood, and moved in the direction God showed him. As he took his first steps & continued on his journey, directions to the destination were made clearer and clearer, until he looked up and saw it for himself. 

What are we expecting? Hope is birthed in the word of the Lord. What steps can we take to move in the direction he has called us to- knowing that clarity and vision will follow? As we wait on Him, our strength is renewed because we stop looking at what we carry, at the stones in our hands, and look instead into the distance, into the surety of his provision. 

Hope. Waiting. Wilderness.

Feels weird blogging. Guess I haven't done so in such a long time it feels like an alien tongue between your teeth.

So. The week of 28 June 2013 was an exhausting one. Or the culmination of a series of exhausting weeks. Every day there were deadlines; and no time to snatch a breather. But beyond the tasks that needed doing, there was a deeper spiritual and emotional exhaustion. I was crying alot, I guess. In the quiet times when I was alone in my bed, in the shower. But church camp came, and Joseph Chian was the camp speaker. Before the camp's first session started, Tessa sat beside me on the row of conference chairs, and told me that her lanyard contained a promise in direct response to her prayer the day before.
I thought for a little while, and told her the Abraham and Isaac story has been resurfacing in my life rather frequently. My mind is a constant whirlpool of snatches of thoughts; some threads are longer and more resolved than others, some are barely impressions. I did not realize before I told her that, that the Abraham and Isaac story was a stronger impression that the others. 

Joseph Chian started speaking on his microphone. 5 minutes in, he talked about Abraham and Isaac.

But instead of focusing on Abraham's sacrifice, he said, "In the bible, you read: 'Abraham built an altar unto the Lord' in about 3 seconds. But in actual fact, Abraham took days to select the stones, carry it for 3 days, and construct an altar that was strong enough to support his teenage son Isaac. That altar was an intentional act of worship. The stones that formed it were the milestones of God's provision and blessing in his life." Instead of staring at the precious object I thought I laid on the altar, it was more important to realize what it sat on: a foundation of God's certain goodness in my life.

Fast forward three weeks to 3 nights ago. Something happened at camp that jolted a nerve within me; Maybe I became a little unhinged. I don't know what happened but with work and fallen expectations the image in my mind on my soul's condition was of a dry biscuit, with its flattened, flaky layers pressed together. Tight. I cried out to the Lord; crumbling into him, the way the Psalmist meant when he said 'Be Still'. 

What is the meaning of this barrenness? When will breakthrough come, God??? How did Jesus see the exceeding worth of the kingdom and desire to exchange all the world for a pearl of great value? What is the point of this wilderness? I'm so tired. Give me three promises to hinge my hope upon.

Tossed and turned in bed. Exhausted but couldn't fall asleep. It was past midnight, but I kept tossing, as questions surged through my mind. At 1:28am, in the dark of my room, I felt the atmosphere alter. I felt the Lord enter my room. My lips started trembling, then my whole body started shaking. My first thought was, 'Oh God.. you're here, you're here..! I'm so scared. This is scary.' I didn't dare to open my eyes. I was just consumed with the thought: I'm so unworthy. Oh God, what should I do? Or say? I  kept my eyes shut and quickly knelt on my bed, still shaking, and didn't dare to move... "speak Lord, for I am listening..?" At that very moment I received Nicole's text. I told her, "God is here.... Please pray with me!" Then I felt led to go to where I left my bible: John 1 - "He said, "I am the voice of one crying out in the wilderness, "Make straight the way of the Lord," as the prophet Isaiah said." (John 1:23 ESV)God spoke into my heart that this was his calling upon my life. Wherever there is wilderness, there is opportunity to point people towards Jesus. He would 'wake me when it was time'. I had never before known what my calling was. Was it worship? Or help? Or encouraging? (John the Baptist is rich material for me to dig further.) I was so overwhelmed, I cried. God continued, "None of your tears are wasted. I collect them in a bowl." The weight of his presence lifted, and I stopped shaking. 

After a while, his presence came thickly again, and I started shaking & breathing very quickly. All this while my rational mind stayed with me - I remember thinking, I'm not imagining this, am I? I tried to stop myself from shaking, wondering if it was because I lay in some weird posture and the lack of blood circulation was causing some bodily reaction, then I finally told myself to stop being stupid and yield to God. I received in my heart 'Isaiah 41'. Turning to the verse, I was deeply convicted again. It was like God was taking a tuning fork and doing a deep work of re-tuning within me; or shouting into my heart.

But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, the offspring of Abraham, my friend; you whom I took from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest corners, saying to you, "You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off"; fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys. I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water. I will put in the wilderness the cedar, the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive. I will set in the desert the cypress, the plane and the pine together, that they may see and know, may consider and understand together, that the hand of the Lord has done this, the Holy One of Israel has created it. (Isaiah 41:8-10, 17-20 ESV)

This was a direct answer to my question, 'What is the point of this wilderness?' An assurance that he would strengthen me; and that the wilderness is a place that he transforms; such that all who sees the transformation knows that His Hand has done it.

After the second encounter, my pillow drenched with tears, I knew that his presence would come a third time, with a third promise. I waited, and sensed Him saying, "I want a people of praise." Then his presence came down heavily again, like a blanket, and I started shaking and convulsing once more. "Hebrews 8:13", He whispered into my heart. It read,"In speaking of a new covenant, he makes the first one obsolete. And what is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away."

I had never seen that verse before. I read the preceding passage: 

They serve a copy and shadow of the heavenly things. For when Moses was about to erect the tent, he was instructed by God, saying, "See that you make everything according to the pattern that was shown you on the mountain." But as it is, Christ has obtained a ministry that is as much more excellent than the old as the covenant he mediates is better, since it is enacted on better promises. (Hebrews 8:5, 6 ESV)

For he finds fault with them when he says: "Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will establish a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah, not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt. For they did not continue in my covenant, and so I showed no concern for them, declares the Lord. For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. And they shall not teach, each one his neighbor and each one his brother, saying, "Know the Lord," for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more. In speaking of a new covenant, he makes the first one obsolete. And what is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away." (Hebrews 8:8-13 ESV)

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The wilderness was the place where Moses first met God. It was where Moses led his sheep, to Horeb, the mountain of God. It was where the burning bush appeared, and God said, "As a sign to YOU (Moses), that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on THIS mountain." Why would that place be a personal sign to Moses? Unless that place was of personal significance to him. It was where he brought his sheep; not for grazing (you wouldn't bring sheep through a wilderness to get to the mountain, where grass was probably scarce and the journey fraught with challenge) I believe it was because Horeb was the mountain of God (=also known as Mount Sinai), and Moses wanted to meet with God. It was his secret meeting place with God. Guess what? I went to research the meaning of Horeb. It means 'wilderness'.

The Wilderness is also Mount Sinai - the mountain of God - the place where God is found!! 

I believe God wants to renew his covenant with His people. I believe we're entering into a season of promise where individuals will come to know Him intimately; he sheds his gifts abroad. His church, the communities we are in, will be His people of praise. We will belong to him solely, singly and unreservedly. There is so much to unpack about what the Old Covenant was - the one God made with Abraham, and with Israel under Moses. Then there is the New Covenant which Jesus mediated by his blood. How is it 'much more excellent'? What are the 'better promises'? How does God write his laws on our hearts and minds? 

I asked God, 'why Hebrews 8 verse 13? Why not just chapter 8?' I read the verse again. "What is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away." Then I just wept buckets; because of that un-uttered question in my heart; that only two of my best friends know, about closure. What is irrelevant now, being emptied and hollowed as a carcass of a thing past - that, too, is ready to vanish away. 

Let us enter into all you have conceived, Lord. Let us consecrate ourselves and walk into the wilderness, and meet you there. 

God, you're just so amazing. Thank you, with all my heart.