wrestle

I can sit here and throw a pity party for as long as I'd like, or I can say "no regrets. because at one point that was exactly what i wanted." and move on.
what is it like to let go, with no bitterness, no baggage? it would almost seem as though the memories would have to go too. but that's not what release is. i'm so fragmented that catching my reflections through different scenarios in a single day scares me. the PR mode where its all fun and dandy, the excruciating struggle with myself in the quieter hours of the day, the acrid rant against existing circumstances, fomented by discontent. and the reaction to that - the desire to be the heroine, not the victim. to exact peace, not wallow in a puddle of prescribed misery.
GOD! God. How did you get through Gethsemane. What did you cry?

Abide.

Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. (John 15:3, 4 ESV)

This verse hit me in a fresh new way. "how can I have the mind of Christ? How can I love someone impossible?"
It was a direct answer. Abide. And you can and will bear fruit.

Also, thinking about the oil of anointing in left hand of the priest to the forehead of the leper; for cleansing.
"Already you are clean." hmm. What is this cleansing thing all about?