let the magnitude of the cross
be realised in me.

furnace. +you

just feel like this is one of the modes to dwindle myself upon when i am reluctant to do anything else.
i should be working now.
i should be happy..?
i should be motivated.
i should feel like i have friends who can fully understand me, and whom i can count on.

why does it seem like all the natural orders of things- the should-bes of things, are all falling apart?

its been a rollercoaster of a day
the essential question on my mind being,
am i happy? are you happy?
but happiness is not something you can grasp so tightly to
because the moment you do, it collapses on itself like a
worn, old fabric, and disintegrates.
there are so many challenges to happiness-
and so the brave face of happiness is always 'In Spite Of'


skin sore, red, with the sting of
salt, acrid, raw.
no more wiping it off,
no more scratching the itch,
or it will show-
through the thinly veiled smile,
that trembles before it breaks into tears,
it will show.

it is strangely liberating to realise
that it is nobody's job to make you happy.
happiness is self-taught, and self-appreciated-
like the tasting of wine, gently savoured.

there may be instances where persons come along
and light up your life,
but those are bonuses, not rights, not privileges
and once you stop expecting,
perhaps, then, you will stop hurting.

but all this talk is on the axis of man;
christians are always concerned about the vertical dimension,
and should be. too.
smile, though your heart is breaking
smile, even though you're aching
used to be purvis' favourite song, he'd sing it during lit class

funny how the most bitter of my teachers, the most atheist,
would have the most enduring impact on me.
when it crumbles and your eyes dissolve in the blur,
rejoice in the Lord.
rejoice, an act of will. rejoice, even when your hormonal
imbalances threaten to discolour your world with innacuracies.

you, i cant say how much i appreciate your support
especially when it comes at the most critical points
you seem to know, and understand
even if i dont tell you. and you really are one of
my best friends in the world, as well.

you, i dont know how we drifted apart,
and i doubt you will even visit here actually, but part
of me wishes i never let the crack first occur
unwatched, unmended- because i really wish
there were no such things as cats or rats- like in genesis,
when the lions ate grass and all were friends.

you, i dont know if you think i take you for granted
but i really hope you dont. because you are so, so important
in my life, the constant source of stability and trust
someone who never fails, someone wise, giving, comforting.
i didnt mean that the date of departure was unimportant, it
came out rather wrong;
i simply meant that its not something i'd want to remember
because it is just nice to know that you are close by
and i am reluctant for that to change.

you, seem to be with me through it all, through the highs and the lows
and youre right, we're not the heeimissyousweetiepie kinda friends
and im glad we arent, because the sweet stuff in friendships
arent laced on the outside thick like artificial icky icing, (no offence,hah)
which most people swipe off on their napkins
but it is a deeper essence, like a fragrant aroma, or a delectable faint
tingle of the tongue. i'd like to think we are friends that way.

you, i would like to make you happy. you, whom i think i love, and would
like to know how to love more. sometimes it is not the special days, socially manufactured,
candy-coloured that i deeply appreciate, it is all the in-between days where
i get glimpses into how happy we can be. all the other slits in between, those
empty or cutting, i try to forget, always thinking that the closer a thing gets
to the heart, the deeper it drives, and the more potential to cut. like an electric
blade, skinning off the artificial waxy sheen of green apples, which we both like,
glinting, faster, slicing closer to the heart of the matter. and occasionally the
shave causes you to bleed. there are definitely better days than these,
you and i both know. i am praying for more of those; because i think you know,
you figure so much in my prayers and thoughts.

and you, the divine, who holds everything together.
apart from your hand, pulling me up, taking me in,
i would scarcely stay together. i rest in you, now. hush.

i am better acquainted now with weakness than with strength
with sorrow, too, perhaps?
i dont like being a melancholy sort, and would try not to be
but sometimes my many faces impinge upon me,
and are too variant with circumstances-
it is time for constancy, for solidity, for peace.
not the waffling kind of innocence, unchallenged and unspoilt,
but the supple kind, tested, thawed, trialled, and
victorious.