stop the labels.

if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, i am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. if i havve the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains but have not love, i am nothing.


what does this really mean to me? to you?

i used to think "patience ministry" was really funny, like a biblical twist. until i came to know the patience ministerees- i don't know, okay? suddenly what seemed funny and apt and witty just seems downright mean, ugly, and selfish now. and i feel like a hypocrite, together with the rest- for talking about God's love til the cows come home or more likely til the church empties, and not giving it. not really living it. how many of us reading this can claim to be truly loving others, the Jesus way? i'm trying not to give myself excuses- his or her flaws, my tiredness, my human-ness, ME ME ME ME ME. always in the way of humility. of giving and forgiving. !! "i'm trying to love" is simply not good enough- cos it means i'm just not loving! love is an act of the will. how many times have i heard that, and let it pass me by, ignorant?

patience was never meant to be a bad word. it is now used to connote hopelessness, reluctance, exasperation. why do we corrupt what is good?

arggh you can ignore me just like i ignored what i read in the bible, or just skip this over like i skipped over the sermons on love. it's always easy to ignore these until we come face to face with human needs. i'm not perfect- why should i expect her to be? why do i choose only to see her flaws? why am i not choosing to love her?

love is PATIENT, is KIND. it does NOT ENVY, it does NOT BOAST, it is NOT PROUD. it is NOT RUDE, it is NOT SELF-SEEKING, it is NOT EASILY ANGERED, it keeps NO RECORD of wrongs. It ALWAYS PROTECTS, ALWAYS TRUSTS, ALWAYS HOPES, ALWAYS PERSEVERES.

- to quote someone: "it's been done to death and you still don't get it." i WILL choose to love- not grudgingly, cos love grudgingly is at best an oxymoron- at worst and honestly, it doesn't mean anything. hot air. Jesus came to love those people found hard to love- and he wasn't shuddering when he went into Zaccheus' home, he said with enthusiasm, "i MUST go to your house tonight" and he just loved loved loved him. it didn't make any sense to me, deep within me, until it hit home tonight. until she spoke from her heart and i was cut, not because she criticised me, not because she complained, but just because she was honest and i was not. she was in pain and all along i was so blind.

i dont want to be a white washed tomb, i dont want to see people one-sided and label them. i don't want to clatter about love and not be love just the way Jesus Is Love.
felicia is love. does that make any sense? substitute it with your name, does it make sense to you? God's love is senseless, is ridiculous, extravagantly so.

i dont want to be a hypocrite. watch my words, thoughts, heart and deed. "i will love."

silence

words have left me, the pool is barren
an emptiness of sound
barren of echoes.

pervading silence like a chilly draught
flooding gray through the window grills.

white silence
paves the polished path
for a broken word to
shatter it;
the way a pebble might ruffle
the edges of a pool.

will you drop in
with a note fluttering up a smile?

just one thing, out of this browsing array
of matter and sound;
just one word, and monotony be pierced.

many things to mind

thoroughly enjoyed myself these two weeks. at church camp. it wasnt all high and all, but i enjoy the friendship, the fellowship, the revelations. like Mary, i will hide these things in my heart. i love my groups STOMP and BUBBLES. and my roomies at junior camp: gwen, cheryl and weixin. i can really see each of them growing, im so glad they are so mature, stable, i dunno how to describe it. like each member of HOT has this strength about them- not giggly wiggly squirmy girls but girls with CHARACTER and fortitude and wisdom and peace. aww.

then there was hannah and nikki and gerry. first two in each of my camp groups, and it rocked getting to know them in a deeper way. i think its the first camp i really REALLY made friends with people outside of my cell groups. you know? 2006 rocks. my God boulders! ;p
gerry is in thailand now but she'l be back tomorrow. gerry has more good food than the whole Kota Tinggi Dining Kitchen- stashed in her classic red suitcase. haha. she rocks awesome.

ahlee joined us on day3 and roomed with us. was feeling really dry on day 2 night so i was really glad to see her in the afternoon. friends really pull you out of ditches at the right times. thank you ahlee, for being that kind of a true friend.

went out with luke today! thank you friend for bearing with the phone call and the random rushes to chinatown point and cine and air hockey!? haha. All in a Day's Work. funny how we dont run out of things to talk about. cool i mean.

suyan tungene terence and the other mission trippers are flying off in 2 hrs time to Chiangmai for a mission trip. God open their eyes to see YOU in the little things they do and see. Touch their hearts and use them to be your fingers that touch those around them with a smile.

im going to JB tomorrow for a shopping trip! yay! leaving the house at 9am. well, that's reason enough to sleep now. especially since there's inexhaustible stuff to update. it has been such a compressed week full of stuff to digest, internalise, reject, pack, unpack.

i want to come up with a poetic line about NOW. but words fail me.

when ends meet

i would go back,
i would return
to where the gray was water
and the pages fresh white
like newly soaked linen in air.
return to unseeing ignorance,
to the dry path before the rain
speckled it as it fell in torrents.
walk backwards down the trodden path
like mimicking faces in a rewinding black and white film
retracing the cobbled and crushing steps.
return to empty glass bottles
before they were shards
before they were filled with sand
before things became mementos
before words were written and said

Hour-glass, breathe up your sands;
Pages, flip not to the thin, worn, end;
Rain, the skies make roomier palaces
on vapours to spend. please, do not descend.


why do all things splatter when they fall/ hitting the cold hard real ground/ i can't run from the rain metaphor/ how does it feel like as the raindrop headed for the brawl?/ i suppose when all things thaw/ there's always the wall to break your fall.

gorgeous glorious.

oohlala. pavlova! erica just left my place. she said something about it fills her with a quiet, meditative zen feel. like she'll go and take a long, solo walk in the woods kind of thing. haha. is it the silence due to the lack of vehicular traffic or human traffic? i think i want to write a book called "The Chronic Silence". hmm. chewy thing to think about. in the meantime, :) feast your eyes on pavlova with a halo. (while i feast my tastebuds.)

can't go cycling/ blading with studio 8! sadness. :( hope after the camps n before xmas i have some time to spend!

ima zoo.

?!?!?! i told you i was battling a moth? i hit it with newspaper after it buzzed into my face about 26 times and it died. NOW a Cat walks in! at 2:52AM into my living room!! its white with a black tipped tail hahahahaa oh my gosh i feel like im in a zoo, or im The Animal in the zoo and all these creatures are coming in for viewing pleasure. thank goodness it walked out again and i hurriedly shut the door my gosh. CAT?! excuse me?? this is surreal ahaha. i so do NOT like bunking with cats. 3am is a scary place to be.


chocolate pavlova tomorrow with erica!! no idea what it is, but since it sounds so exotic, she should know what to do about it la. haha.

dear God, please keep them creatures away. it's okay with me if you decide to populate heaven with them later on, but for now, please keep them at bay.

mothballs, anyone? i'll throw it like hail.

suggested poster for USP Xcite! bazaar to be held next feb. (yah, the poster sayeth so) took me 5 hours. haha any comments? hmm. slept 3 hours today in the afternoon. before that i had a publicity meeting for this abovementioned poster with jian and eevon, and then i went for my driving theory evaluation. next step: theory test! driving is such a bore. maybe the theory aspect of it la. but given my next-to-being-blind navigational skills, im not sure the practical will be much better. haha.

erica's coming over tmr!!! :) :) havent seen her in ages. we're gonna make accessories and if they're gorgeous i'll show them at figeaters.blog and sell em! lala. topic of the day: life after exams- restive or festive? i say.. neither. STUPID BLACK MOTH!!!! it keeps coming right at me 1! RERUWwER ACCK!! shiver and shudder GO AWAY. okay sorry for that interruption. its still fluttering near me! so i can only type a few lines and run away from it then come back and type somemore SO disruptive! SG#!RFDR@!!

eeyer im in no mood to blog already. i miss woh woh. i miss having time to spend for my own without having to carve out time all the time for things i dont want to do. ok la. i'l go mope. haha. night.

look out the window and breathe

EVERYBODY HEAR THIS. I-AM-FREE!!! every ounce of me gets rest! gets to eat in peace without rushing! gets to run and swim and tan and bake and draw and play the piano and sing sing sing without feeling guilty! gets to shop and talk and go out without feeling its a waste of time! gets to wake up in the morning as and when i want to without setting an alarm clock!!! yay!!! i can breathe now, i can see clearer now the rain has gone. hahah.

just came from cheryl seah n junen's house. spent a short time there, after my parent's cg were held at their place. haha. cheryl is so witty, amusing, quirky, honest, so refreshing. love her to bits. i asked her whether she wanted to do carolling at the zoo on 24/25 december, and she said

her: "nah! i can't sing for nuts, my brother knows that. only a bathroom singer."
me: "that's how it starts!"
her: "..that's how it ends."

hahaa. good conversations are rare. i appreciate it. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!