architecture

if the rest of this term is gonna be like today...



well...





i'm loving it. (:

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lots of drawing, no math. but aiyah, math will come sooner or later. but the amount of drawings to do will soar exponentially then i'l be glad [?] that there's math to do as a break from the pencil. ?? hopefully.
first usp module tmr- Mind by Favareau.

eh you should try singing a praise song in the morning like humming it- on the busride to school. it is such a joybubblingoverpickme up because God is raining down the smileys as he hears it. da dum.
Jesus, thank you thank you thank you.

the spooky darkness.

lectures start tomorrow! and i wonder where the initial enthusiasm dissolved into. i don't really know the people in my design module group, and i sure hope they're friendlier than her-i-shall-not-name i met on friday- that really freaked me out. i need more smiling faces and replies to questions man. i think what has happened is i dunno if the tutor will be a dirtball that just disses and never appreciates, or THAT tutor that totally freaks me out with his voluminous eyes, or hopefully someone really nice. you know? and all those questions bursting in my head have only one night left to burst around cos tomorrow afternoon all the bubbles shall be bursted and extinguished, and so many questions shall be converted into answers by 1.05pm.
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i dream of having aptitude, of being delighted with what i do, of being good at what i'm supposed to do, at being good with the people around me, of being motivated and disciplined, and i want those to be more than dreams. so God.
please.

help.
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i told gerry everything in church seemed to be slipping, and she said, is it because right now we are in the position not to make it slip, not to let it slide, that we feel right now that things have to be changed?. we are the change we want to see. gum to chew on. i shall survive this week, MORE than survive, i shall live to tell you how it went. humpf. much prayer coveted. :]

dreams of red

today's a sunday, that means its a monday tomorrow, in exactly fifteen minutes time. monday means its school time- the inauguration ceremony. things with long names like that can only mean one thing- bombastic boredom. bb. like boring brother. last weekend i was feeling really stretched, all the silly admin matters, the editing of the posters in .eps format [which didnt work, jpeg rules for me.], its like they make mountains out of themselves, i don't make anything out of them- i just try to shovel the molehills into the email account to be SENT out and it doesn't work. then it explodes. along with me.
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i had something very important to say, and then i forgot.
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sharmaine brought me strawberry ripple waffles today! and kit kat chocolate. then wohwoh went to swensons for the most delicious fries and topless 5 icecream you've every tried in your LIFE. and before that we had an interesting MSG session cos Jac's sister Sharmaine came n shared with us her life story. the gist of it is that - God knows your secret dreams n desires, and he wants to work with you to bring those into fulfilment. and that struck me because i just told zhonyun that i had alot of dreams for the music ministry, for the youth service and slowly i feel them dying, because the reality and vision gap just looms ever larger the deeper i walk into it. AND the amazing thing is that during music ministry meeting, Tee spoke on the same thing, that before he met Christ he had alot of these dreams [like watching a live NBA game, scaling mountains] and God brought them into being later on- and he was touched because God knew him, his inner longings, LONG before he ever acknowledged God in his life.
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i REMEMBER the important thing i was going to say! That sometimes its so easy to be cynical and disbelieving about so many things, its so easy to criticise and so much harder to appreciate. Criticising a movie, a writer, another person is like building a wall around your face, because you no longer have to risk being poked at, you don't have to fight to preserve something that's good. Like if i say the movie sucks, my friend who sort of enjoyed it normally wouldn't dare to honestly voice her opinion- "i thought it was really good actually, especially the romance part" because i would just diss it again "What?! that was the worst part, so draggy and korean melodrama." you know? Every 'appreciation' you say is liable to attack, every good thing you say is a potential loop for some cynical bummer to come along and tear down, and cast doubts on your taste/judgements. it's so much easier to criticise, but it's so much more divine and earnest and brave to admire. To say:

"i like this, it's really good."
"i like your singing, it encouraged me."
"i like the design you did."
"i like his leadership style."
"i like you."

cynicism is very much a rebellious streak derived from growing up pangs, as though by poking holes through other things we can show we are invincible, better-than-holey. isn't it? why do we curse and criticise more than we encourage and affirm? but there comes a point when skepticism becomes immature, and we only become more of the persons we truly are beneath those walls with some brave, searching honesty.

why the red tape?
now, if you'll excuse me, i have a date
with God.

i hate eps i hate it i hate it i hate it its just about the dumbest thing ever invented. i started editing REREREediting the sow posters at 1145 and the time now is 127am even though the editing just took ten minutes the STUPID format made me wait and wait for hours just to SAVE frickin SAVE and just to ATTAcH it to the email to send to the printer. and after i painfully attached the three images after half n hour the stupid page just flicked onto searchmail and i lost all the "Compose Mail" data and i had to sit there and watch and unmoving screen do the same thing all over- and i had 6 hours of talks today and i am so tired so frustrated so tired so agitated i cried over the computer screen. but doesnt matter cos ive been wanting to cry for quite some time just to vent these transition emotions of angst or sadness or loneliness or alienation or rejection but the ducts been dry so now i have a trigger to VENT. i am so tired.
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and if you are somebody who reads this you can just keep quiet cos venting is already an outlet i dont need the poor you sympathies cos i'd rather let it pass thankyouvery much. ARGH!! now i know why @#%^%**(~@%(@#$ is so often used in comics for vulgarities in this kinda mood words are too slow and all you need are angry symbols senseless rage outlets like hair standing on end and gritted teeth and clenched fists and.. i'm not angry. i'm just accumulated emotion.

foreign crush

oh what have i done, what have i done! was talking to kevin moe at 3rd level on sunday and when i told him i was in usp [and he knows im in archi] he said: what have you done to yourself! oh no!. not very optimistic, is he? then he proceeded to tell me about his usp friend who stayed up the whole night without sleep just to submit her essay and how usp has ALOT of essays to write: for example, The Role of Mathematics. mighty interesting, huh? And then he told me about how his architecture friend was also dying, camping in the studio almost every night hugging AUTOCAD to sleep, eh. no, the autocad bit was joelneo. [see, they are ALL telling me how i will die. like some chanting ouija board. haha.] so i figured since i'll die on either side anyway, and i cant die twice, it shouldnt matter right? ... i wish i could believe that.
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before this i WAS looking forward to school, you know.
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orientation week starts tomorrow on the archi side, so howdy doo i wonder if this will be the last of my recent spurt in blog entries. i'm quite glad today i have no appointments planned, so i can stay home, read, run, make a necklace, plan my time for this week -it's all a mess, overlapping orientations n all-, but now i have cleverly gone and dunnit: booked a practice session for driving.! out of guilt, really. cos i have left it hanging for oh so long already, wonder why im not so keen on driving. its like whats the point of shoes if everywhere else is a maze and everywhere else to be isn't necessarily a better place than here, beneath my feet.
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in the crowd of the foreign,
in the elbow jostle of pressing heat
in the hushed singleness beneath the hum of activity,
where faces peer in the window, but no one knocks at the door,
i only wish, on an eyelash,
not to be crushed.

invisible war

sitti navarro's lovely. lovely. funny how jazz lyrics can be so simple, so direct and still so beguiling.

Invisible war, seems we're fighting an invisible war

Strained manoeuvres, keeping silent score

In this invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
Both wishing it was like before
In this invisible war

Talk about a fine line between love and hate
We've lost more than our direction of late
Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends
We've never been lovers and now we're not even friends

In this invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
In this invisible war

It wounded deeply the scar is here to stay
Opening up at all the little things I do and say
You always want things to be as before
So I make you angry and you bleed a little more

Want to go away (I still love you)
Got to go away (I always love you)
Got to be away (Time heals all wounds)