i'm not.

sorry i've been obstructing your word Lord!
God's always speaking, its up to me to listen.
i was just reminded of this on sat worship. its often the simplest truths that i miss out sometimes, though it just slaps me point blank in my face.

"how can you say you're alone, and that you're weak, when I have looked over every corner of your life, when I have watched over every detail of your life and lifted you in my hands? I am the one who sustains you, and I have got all your corners, your fragile pieces covered."

"I will wipe away every frown on your brow,
I will wipe away every tear on your face,
and I will put my Spirit in you."

"Not a spirit of timidity, but of love, power and self-control!"

"you asked to experience my love, I will love you to overwhelming."
--
i understood what he meant this morning, when i just teared on our way to joshua's house. i cant explain fully what i was feeling then, a strange heated mixture of convoluted emotions. i felt really stretched out, by the fund raising, the sewing, baking, typing, reading, learning, the DOING, the cell-leading, the difficult cell member, the constant expectations i'm bombarded with.

sometimes when trying to juggle too many things, it may be better just to let the balls fall.
into God's hands.

so now im just gonna leave it to God. His sheep. his will. his conviction. his dai ji. i'm just gonna rest in Him, cos His yoke is light! apart from Him nothing really matters.
i'm not alone, i'm not defeated, i'm not destroyed.

the middle arc.

today they gave us the difficult decision, that uncle allan will be going with us to india, not david ho. [we call him uncle david but my tongue is still unused to the calling] sigh. i never understood before the complexity of a methodist church, the fragile complexity, the stiff brittleness that holds everything together, that if one committee were to block the go ahead everything below would just halt. david's been trying really hard to bond with us, and his expectations regarding the trip, leading us, planning dpf since its conception- its really hard giving up a child as a parent, even if its a brainchild. not just just a brainchild.
-
conflict on the mission trip is inevitable. we need your prayers! leaving to india on first feb. felicis's first feb. :)
-
silly amanda keeps asking me to get a boyfriend hahaha. as if they grow on trees. reality never matches up to expectations you know? yet we are all human, why the superhuman demands? nah, maybe its just the biding patience, that skip a turn card to wait for what comes next. but its more than just a card game, and the stakes are a life, or memories of one.
-
you know, i cant make up my mind about uncertainty. haha the irony. it kinda makes everything exciting doesnt it? not knowing for sure what surprises may slide alongside? yet so pensive and aching too. which explains the curiosity surrounding fortune telling and horoscope astrology.
-
hockeypockey. gerry got into hockey! :D woot. i look back and feel quite sad, its like the exciting part of my life is now over, and i now look on, graying, at the little kids who are enjoying their brief turn. ahaha. ok, maybe not graying. but it feels so.
-
maybe next season my fav color will be gray. the colour of ranges, of uncertainty, of truth. truth is often found in the middle. did you know that?

fiddlesticks. task this week: say out what you really MEAN inside to someone.

dee pee aff.

what am i doing huh?

what is God's purpose?

what is my ministry calling?

what are my ministry principles?

what are my ministry gifts?

what do i want to learn from God?

am i integrous?

sometimes questions are more telling than answers can ever be. ?

haha. ask away, and i shall receive! *

right now, i just long for You Lord, i ask that you make the longing deep, eternal, always and ever.

*ron pesky taught us today that 'lepers' is not P.C. which means, non-politically-correct. SEE? i cleverly said practical criticism! schmuck.

*human loneliness is fundamental. it is raw, palpable, and non-erasable. it exaggerates itself in a crowd, distracts itself in a couple, and haunts when alone. but it is always there, a God-shaped void.

maiden appeal

today i reached clementi mrt at 730, so since the last shuttle bus is at 745, i went to buy honey ice blended bubble tea and strolled back. then after waiting for some time i was wondering what took the bus so long, so i glanced at the person next to me, who was conveniently wearing his watch facing me.: 8:33pm! shock horror! -
-then after checking my phone in disbelief i realised he set his watch 45 minutes early. FORTY FIVE minutes!! whoever sets his time so much earlier? whats the use of a watch ?! i feel a TV media ad inside me..

it's not five, it's not ten, it's not even thirrty/ ITS... FORTY FIVE! [wide eyed grin]

oh boyohboy.

i sound kinda bored huh? actually no i was kinda stressed today, talked to a frustrated and frustrating cap-maker, tried booking JETSTARASIA tix to india and Uncle Blue aint allowed to come with us, and alot other unfeasible and frustrating details about fundraising/

and then i remember jesus is jehovah jireh. our provider!

-today was quite unkind also cos Christina, the maid they fired from my granny & mentally impaired uncle was brought here by her agent/ she was made to stand at the gate, the agent scolded her for losing one key in front of all of us.. they just treated her llike garbage you know? im so disgusted. how can any human do that to another? sicksicksick. i snuck round the back door to the gate and offered her justea, but she looked too afraid n reluctant to take it. poor girl. argh. no wonder they go around killing employers you know? its inhuman!

-we are writing to sponsors to support dpf mission trip to India. God loves a cheerful giver! haha/ we really really need your help anyone everyone. my first mission trip!

+.maiden appeal

i live to love you.

i have just given God my costliest gift yet: a job i would love.
now i just ask that he is blessed by my gift, and that i would be pleasing in the giving of it.
help me be a cheerful giver, Lord, not to hurt, or to hanker,
but to be at peace.

here's what helped change my mind:

here in your courts where i'm close to your throne

i've found where i belong.

vertebrates, celebrate!

"if you are allergic to something, it is probably a good idea not to put that thing into your mouth, especially if it is cats."-a series of unfortunate events

hehehe. TODAY i painted my wall in stripes! alot of work you know. not all fun and play. you know, in order to get a TRUE straight line, you have to attach string to a plumbline so it uh, becomes a plumbline, then you lower it from the top of the ladder [with you at the top i mean, not attached to the ladder] and you -thiack- the chalked string such that the chalk leaves a perfectly straight line on the wall, which you then masking-tape. repeat process twenty times, and you get striped masking tape.

like this:

cool right? like a photo pro. ahaha.

why do people write new year resolutions?

something ive been thinking about. like, a gazillion people know they wont keep it, but they write it anyway. why not write a mid-year resolution? mid-month? or one-a-week resolution? what is it about a New Year that gets everyone all excited and iffy? haha. sometimes a two month break can really trick us into thinking up a fresh page. a temporary release is all humans need to hope again.? the sense of newness, like new books, stationery, faces, friends, school, class, combination [for students].. but for adults? how new can a new year of work be? apart from the calendars on the staff desks it is quite unlikely that anything much, anything real, has changed. perhaps resolutions are a mix of conviction and expectation- they congeal to indulge a -everything is possible- mindset like

: i Can change and start sitting up straight
: i Can be different this year and do quiet time everyday
: i will be more interactive and friendly to others

then somewhere along the middle of the first month the enthusiasm of a break from routine, or the sense of 'newness', collects dust and crumbles away. so that is it huh? the end year holiday season provokes a celebratory attitude, one that challenges and dares change, one that awakens desires to be more alive, live more fully, to realise a hope. but once these notions give way, once the powerful engines of routine kick in once more, it swamps half-grown hopes of change and stifles it in the cradle. so, my resolution for this year [heheh] is to keep resolved. is to freshen expectations and live life in moments, celebrating each moment for all its worth. seriously, like the greenness of the grass, the upstairs neighbour that plays the piano during a blackout, my striped walls, new and shoes, nice-smelling shampoo, how my neighbours are pet-less, how my breakfast is baked just nice and unburnt, and my room is spiderless or lizardless!.

come celebrate with me (: